Love, Romance, and Relationship Advice from John Gray

Dear John,
After moving in with my boyfriend "Fred," I one day logged onto his computer and found evidence that he looks at homoerotic internet sites. I confronted him about this, and Fred confessed that he had a homosexual relationship when he was much younger. He tells that he is ashamed of that past experience, and that he loves me and he wants our lives to continue together. He swears he wouldn't go out and have an affair with a man, but he likes to fantasize about it. Fred is willing to go to therapy and work this out, but I am so confused. We now fight all the time because of this. I love him, but I think that he is just using me. What do you think?
--The Beard, in Los Angeles

Dear Beard,
I don't condone snooping through someone's computer. It demonstrates a prior lack of trust on your part. We all have things in our past that we'd prefer to keep to ourselves. It takes a truly understanding partner to love us despite our past indiscretions. You should also know that both men and women look at pornography in order to stimulate their sexual desires. This doesn't mean that they then seek sexual liaisons outside their already-established relationships.
That said, the true issue is whether the possibility that your boyfriend is bisexual is indeed something you can live with. True, he may not be gay, or bisexual. Only he knows the answer. Even if he is, he may not be able to confront this issue as of yet. He has tried to reassure you that he loves you and wants to stay together. I've always believed that actions speak louder than words, and we should give our partners the benefit of any doubts. Then again, if he has indeed strayed, or you've come to the conclusion that his past be such a turn-off that you no longer love him, by all means move on. That would free you both to seek partners you can love and trust.

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