Are you too clingy?
I think I might be one of those “clingy” guys and I definitely don’t want to turn anyone off. I am in a relationship and I am always doing things for her, buying her flowers, stuff, toys, etc. I don’t get moody or upset when she goes out with her girlfriends or is away on business. I do get upset when we are both in town and I don’t get to see her except maybe once a week. I have been waiting for her to ask to see me, is that the wrong thing to do? I really care for this girl and don’t want to chase her away. How do I determine if I am a clingy guy and if I am how can I get help and learn to stop this behavior?
How to tell if you’re clingy
This is a great question for anyone in a relationship to ask themselves, male or female. (Because it’s just as unattractive in either gender…trust me.)
It is always okay to ask for what you want. (Tweet that!)
How you respond to your partner saying “No” to your requests determines if you're clingy or not.
If you pout and guilt-trip her when she says “No” to you then you are a clingy and needy partner. At this point, she is more likely to say “Yes” to you because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings than because she actually wants to spend time with you.
But I don’t think you are “one of those clingy guys,” and I’ll explain why:
To call or not to call?
I want to put your mind at ease about what you are getting upset about. It’s alright to want to see her and it’s alright to miss her when you are apart. This doesn’t make you clingy. Time apart makes the time together that much better. Your sex life stays passionate, romance remains a priority, and it’s damn hard to take each other for granted.
When you want to see her, you should call her. You should ask for what you want. Do not wait for her to call you. She may be busy, she may not be that into you (yet), or she may be waiting for the phone to ring thinking that if she called YOU then you would think SHE was needy.
The sad truth is the female sex has a nasty reputation for being clingy. Those un-clingy women sometimes question their every move so that they may avoid being grouped in with that stereotype.
I understand how confusing this is for men. I really do. Women want to be pursued but we lose attraction when a man is clingy. When does pursuing a woman morph into chasing her away? When does the knight-in-shining-armor become that creepy guy who can’t take a hint?
The subtle (yet crucial) difference between creepy and romantic persistence
It’s all in how you ask her out and what you do if she says “No.”
Rather than saying, “Lets get together” or, “I’d like to spend more time with you,” (which can come across as needy) ask her to attend a specific event with you that you think she will like.
Look around, do some research; see what bands are playing locally, what sports games are coming up, check out if there are any art gallery openings or festivals going on. Even something as small and ordinary as a farmers market is okay. Just as long you PLAN SOMETHING.
Occasionally go one step further and buy tickets in advance for something you would like to do and think that she would like too. Let her know you are going and would like her to join you.
If she says “No,” don’t be upset. Just let it go and bring one of your buddies. That way later on, you can say what a great time you had and that you missed her company.
This amplifies the impression that you are fun to hang out with. It’s human nature to undervalue something until it’s lost to us.
When she hears what a fun time you had, she will be intrigued. Next time she will be more likely to say yes, not so she doesn’t “reject” you or hurt your feelings, but so she doesn’t MISS OUT!!
By calling and asking her out on specific dates, you are not cornering her or chasing her away. You are merely showing your interest in a way that flatters her and gives her plenty of room to make her decisions. This persistence without the weight of emotional obligation is extremely attractive to a woman.
Attention Boys and Girls!
It is ten times more important to plan dates than to buy a girl presents. (Tweet that!)
So put your wallet away and get creative.
Ask for what you want and no matter how she answers, have a great time anyway.
This is a technique that both men and women can use in order to not be seen as “clingy.” So hurry up and share this with your friends right now so they can stop coming across as desperate, needy, and clingy when they’re really just cool people who want to have fun.
Now I want to hear from you!
Do you think you’re the “clingy” type? If so, how will you use these techniques so that you avoid the label, get what you want, and respect your partners boundaries?
Challenge: 3 times this week, ask for what you want even if you might get a “No.” Practice asking just on the off chance you’ll get a “Yes.” “No” becomes a lot less scary of a word the more hear it.
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7/24/2014 1:44:49 PM
Hi Newportpup, you're doing everything right. He got the message that you'd like to see him again and you're leaving him alone to deal with whatever it is he needs to deal with. Give it another week or so and then you can ask him out to a specific even that you're going to (with or without him ;-)
7/15/2014 8:11:44 AM
Dear Lauren, I think I'm the clingy one here. I have a new 3 week relationship. Things were moving fast between us because he came on very strong with the i love you's and such. Then all of a sudden, he had a home issue followed by feeling sick and it's been about 3 days of no calls, no texts, nada. At first, I texted like hope all is well can't wait to see you. He kept in regular contact and said he missed me. Then it came to a screeching halt. No contact for 3 days now. Right now, I'm just leaving it alone. I'm worried that my initial reaction may have made him think I'm clingy and ruined things. I really do like this guy and hope that it can be salvaged. ...
7/4/2014 12:41:08 PM
Hi Minnie, always beware when a guy comes on too strong. He might be more in love with the idea of you than the actual you. Take things slow so you can build real trust and intimacy. This way you won't feel bamboozled. :-)
7/4/2014 12:39:37 PM
RyanMH, Believe what you see and feel in person. She's busy. Respect her boundaries and this will build her trust in you. You did the perfect thing! Great job!
7/4/2014 12:38:04 PM
Erik-santino, Great question! I'm stealing this one for a future blog post! If you haven't already, sign up for email updates so that you can get your answer as soon as I post it. :-)
5/23/2014 10:49:25 AM
dear lauren, i was dating one guy from usa he came to saty in our hotel he saw me in gym and was after me everyday everything was great but he didnot informed me before going he just left although he promised me he will see me twice a year and want to spend his life with me but he just left without informing me when i called he is not picking up i couldnot understand why he did this to me i feel shocked and dishearted
5/8/2014 12:16:16 PM
Hey Lauren! I might be in the need of a bit of advice along the lines of this blog. I'm a 31 year old professional ready to settle down. I've gone out with a girl 4 times in the past 5 weeks. She's an amazing girl and fits what I'm looking for to a T! In the past girls I've really liked, outside of a few relationships, failed after 2 or 3 dates. I believe part of it was me coming on too strong. I've made it a priority not to do that with new girl. When we're together, everything is fantastic. We've gone out to dinner a few times, made dinner at my house, and kissed multiple times. Everything seems incredible, except when we're apart. She isn't very communicative through text or phone calls. And in between dates it can be 4 or 5 days without speaking. She's very busy. She moved last week, changed companies last week, and has her MBA semester end tests next week....BUT I still think I might be losing her. On our date last Sunday, she was very forward about hanging out together. She brought up a couple ideas even. Over the last week though and a half, I haven't been able to get her to commit to another date. When I asked if she wanted to hang out Saturday, she said she would be studying for the MBA test. I respect that, but I figured she'd give an alternative but she didn't. Do I take what has happened in person over how I feel from her texts, or lack of? I just told her to let me know when she has more time after the MBA test and I left it at that. I'm so confused by the mixed signals and I don't want to be clingy! Help! :) ...
4/26/2014 2:05:19 AM
Hi Lauren! My fiancé is very clingy, I tell her all the time that she is beautiful and give her attention and love. She also says that I am the best man in the world. She is very happy with me and I'm also thrilled with her being my girl. but we have one problem, and that is she is very clingy. When I'm with her, she tells me stay with me 10 more minutes, and when I do, she can't let go after it, she says 10 more minutes. etc. I tell her she is beautiful almost every day, but when a day goes by and I don't tell her she's beautiful, she gets upset and tells me I'm not into her. And this is very frustrating. She has very low self esteem and I can say that I have high confidence. What can I do to stop this problem. PS: spending more time with her isn't possible, because I'm a very busy guy. She feels that we spend little time together, but I don't. Thank you...
3/26/2014 11:45:40 AM
Thank you Leyla! And sure, say this: "I'd like to go out to dinner tonight at (specific restaurant) and then go out for icecream at (specific place). Would you take me? I'd love that." Be specific. If he pushes for pizza just ask again like it's the first time. Show him the kind of things you like to do by inviting him to comedy shows, concerts, plays, sporting events, dancing clubs (whatever you're into.) As time goes by he'll learn what makes you happy and get more confident about asking YOU to specific things. ...
3/20/2014 6:02:41 PM
I enjoy your blogs so much, Lauren! So, my guy calls all the time telling me how much he misses me and wants to spend time with me, but he never plans a date. When we are together, we sit on the couch watching television and eating pizza. Occasionally, we go out to a movie. I love him, and he is nice to be with, but I'm getting kind of bored. Advice?
3/16/2014 5:49:54 PM
Your welcome Lady_Bella! That song is from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. And I do indeed enjoy chocolate. Love your friend's quote... I'm stealing it! Controlling your jealousy and your clinginess has a lot to do with your own self-work, confidence, and your ability to take me-time. I can absolutely think about it for a future blog. :-)
3/16/2014 12:11:52 AM
Hi Lauren! Love this blog and video and I loved the little "song" at the end :) I can see how much you love chocolate. It reminded me of one of my friends who always says,"I don't share my men or my chocolate!" :D Anyway, reflecting on your blog, I think I can easily get clingy, especially when I feel that I don't have enough time with my partner. I also am (unfortunately) the kind who easily gets jealous, especially when there are other women around my guy and that tends to make me even more clingy! Maybe one day you could do a blog for women who have trouble controlling their jealousy towards their partner, that would be great! Thanks for your awesome advice! ...