How to avoid the lets just be friends axe
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How to avoid the "let's just be friends" axe

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,

I’ve been dating this guy for 4 months. Then he got very busy at work and after 6 weeks of spotty contact I told him my feelings were hurt.  I emailed/texted him multiple times a day asking what had happened and when could we talk?  He sent an angry email saying he was working 14-hour days and couldn’t deal with this right now and that all he has to offer is friendship.  Am I pathetic to hope he might want to be with me after things calm down?  If he does, should I expect an apology for the lack of communication or should I apologize to him for being needy?

-Liz


Hi Liz. I see you are confused.

One minute it’s all gravy and the next you're being demoted to “just a friend.” WTF?!

Lets break this down and play the last couple months for you in slow motion so you can see exactly what happened and how it can be done differently in the future, with different results. 

In the beginning he digs you. He loves to see you happy and he loves that he can make you happy. He’s excited about this relationship. Then...
 

Out of sight and out of mind

He gets busy at work and you fall out of sight and out of mind.

Women are brilliant at multitasking because we have 8 times more connector cells in our brain than a man.

Which means he is brilliant at slaying the dragon right in front of him (work) and less brilliant at writing a shopping list at the same time (pursuing you.) It’s got nothing to do with how much you mean to him and has everything to do with how his brain functions!!

Since he stops pursuing you, you naturally feel rejected, unloved and unimportant.

You take his absence personally and you’re feelings get hurt.

Totally understandable.
 

What NOT to do

But then…dun dun dunnn…you tell him about it! This is that critical moment where things start to go south.

While you’re sharing your feelings with him as an act of intimacy and through a desire to connect, he thinks you are blaming him for not being a good enough boyfriend.

He's upset that you're no longer happy and upset that he cannot DO anything about it!

You send countless texts and emails demanding him to answer for his neglectful behavior.

...This behavior is interpreted as "nagging" and it pushes him away.
 

It’s not you, it’s him. Really.

At this point when he gets your messages, he will not associate your name with fun memories and sexy times.

He will associate your name with the guilt he is feeling for not calling you, and the irritation he is feeling because he's trying his best and obviously failing at making you happy.

He responds with an “angry” note because he is frustrated.

He's frustrated with his situation, NOT you.

He's working at max capacity trying to succeed in work and in this relationship and you've shown him that his efforts are not good enough.

He offers friendship to you because he hopes he can succeed in being your friend and that he will no longer disappoint you.
 

Somebody needs to apologize

Which brings us to where you are today. Do not expect an apology from him.

He tried his best. There's nothing to apologize for.

But there is something that YOU can say that can make a big difference in saving this relationship.

Send him an email saying,

Looking over my letters to you I realize I was being a little needy and demanding. Sorry about that. I didn’t really understand how hard you were working and I took it personally. That was wrong. Now I totally understand and I want to thank you for your patience. When work lets up, I’d love to spend some fun one-on-one time with you again. Let me know. Love, Liz.”
 
Then give him space and wait for his call.

But remember these words are just words. He will not trust you if you do not back them up with actions: no more hurt feelings talks, no more nagging, no more demands.

Change your ways and he will change his response to you.
 

How to successfully avoid the "let’s just be friends" axe (in the future ;-)

It’s natural to feel neglected and unloved when a man gets busy and you drop out of sight and out of mind.

But rather than tell a man your feelings are hurt, tell a girlfriend or write it down in a feeling letter (for yourself.)

If you want to connect with him because you miss him, don’t send a million messages asking him to connect with YOU. Instead, connect with him by sending him updates on your day, little “FYI’s.”

For example:


I went to the grocery store today and ran into my high school math teacher…small world. I'm going to make meatballs for dinner.”

Tada! Imagine him reading it and you’ve got yourself a connection!

This is the same advice I give to couples in long distance relationships. When a couple cannot spend time with each other, this is a great way to maintain intimacy in a positive way (not in the nagging, throwing a fit for attention way).

Once you learn not to take a man’s silence personally, you can, with a good attitude, put yourself back into sight and into mind by sending him these friendly undemanding “FYI’s.”

He will be so grateful that you've given him the space to do what he needs to do and he will see that he is enough to make you happy. At this point, you can be assured that the minute things calm down he will call you and want to go out with you again.


But for now…

Send him your “apology” email and wait for his call. Your mistakes are not necessarily irreparable.

Love inspires forgiveness and flexibility every day. (Tweet that!)

Opposites attract but we sure do confound each other along the way!

With love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!
 
What is an FYI you could send to your man TODAY to initiate a connection? Leave a comment.
 
If you learned something from this article, please Share it! Click to Tweet: How to avoid the "lets just be friends" axe. #datingadvice http://ctt.ec/5I0ie+

read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Dotty
     9/16/2014 6:39:59 AM
    I am currently in a similar situation and have learned to take a step back as soon as the self-doubt steps in. You really do have to believe that when he says he is busy he is busy. It's really tough but rather than sending "I need to talk to you" style messages, I keep in touch with "good morning" or "thinking of you and sending you a kiss" very short messages but never more than two a day. If I don't get a response, it doesn't matter. I know he has read the message and he will contact me WHEN IS ABLE TO. I still get frustrated but as I'm in a long distance relationship (that's another story!), and one where he claims he doesn't want commitment, the softly, softly approach is more likely to be successful. Give it a shot and don't overthink it!...
  • maymay14
     9/3/2014 12:18:31 AM
    I am getting a chuckle out the fact that I forgot I responded to this post last year! Am in a new relationship and seem to be experiencing the same issue. Last one turned out to be just wrong guy. Your answer to etteJay was spot on. I am back at that point of deciding what do I want. New guy - 3 months in and long distance - totally disappears. All is fine and then literally no communication for 6 weeks! So I think that my conclusion is he just isn't the kind of guy I am want - lacks thoughtfulness, ability to be honest and open about why he wants to end it etc. I am not struggling with how do I achieve closure? Any thoughts. Just moving on without wanting to say something to him is proving to be hard for me. ...
  • RebeccaL
     8/3/2014 2:00:21 AM
    And I need to just back away for a while and see if he comes to me. give him his space to achieve his goals. But I am afraid to back away, because I have done it so many times already, in a huff and frustration 'flight' mode that he will just take it as me repeating my patterns and think i haven't changed. but i would want to be backing away as to create some fresh air between us, not that I am running again, but fresh air that I want him to contact me when he is ready, instead of me always contacting him to open the doors of communication. Him send the little FYI note to catch my attention... I don't know which way to go......
  • RebeccaL
     8/3/2014 1:55:07 AM
    My friends think i need to drop this whole situation, but he was in my life for so long, I did feel the love for him deep down inside and something would feel weird in my life when we wouldn't talk. But slowly, I think i am getting used to this feeling, that it is never going to be the same, it is never going to be as solid as it was. But then I don't want 'flight' to win I want to fix what happened over the years and be better and show him I can love him through thick and thin. I have apologized to him a few times with him not responding too much unless I change the subject to something else. I don't know if little FYI texts will be a stepping stone in the right direction and how long to give it if he shows little interest, or if it is so over?...
  • RebeccaL
     8/3/2014 1:54:15 AM
    He feels almost not like a friend anymore. He is working in different countries again from week to week, I ask for calls, emails, texts, anything to know what is going on in his life, he says he will when he gets time... but it has been months. My flight is starting to come out again, he is barely there. I have toned the disappointment texts down and have held back (probably still not enough) and tried to explain that I appreciate him working hard, and that he is tired and busy, but that also I would like to connect with him because it makes me feel good when we do, and I start to feel bummed when it has been soooo long since we have talked, because i really look forward to them. He is available for emergencies to help me out but that is all basically, those are the times we 'connect' now. And even then it feels like his help is dwindling. if he has a pic to send of work he has done on his house something random it is usually only because I texted him something, and I ask a few questions about it because he gives very little description behind it. He drops the convo after a few of my questions of interest and a congrats on what he accomplished. He doesn't ask how i am doing. I am 31 he is 29. I feel like if I lay really low, text happy little messages it could possibly build up trust in me again. But I question to myself how long is he going to be so busy for, this is his job, he says he will change it when he gets a serious relationship so he can be more available for the woman. I would like to be that woman. Our convos were so strong, for about 5 years before I flipped out about his week off. We were really great friends before we dated also. I do want to get serious, but I know with him it will probably take extra time, I keep thinking to repair what happened, but then I keep thinking, just start fresh with him, clean slate. Or am I beating a dead horse? My friends think i need to drop this whole situation, but he was in my life for so long, I did.
  • RebeccaL
     8/3/2014 1:53:22 AM
    Hi, Wow I REALLY WISH I would have known this advice 3-4 years ago. A few comments and this story fit my story exactly. Quite a few months into relationship. Man gets extremely busy with engineer job, long hours, also long distance (Germany-Canada). Slowly messages and responses back, to me, get delayed. I don't understand, I multitask and look forward to connecting when extremely busy... take it hard when he delays, and as you say 'Dun dun dun', let him know that I am taking it hard.... and one week discussing a possible vacation to meet somewhere in the middle and see each other after doing some planning and wanting to share these ideas and excitement with him, it blows up in my face because he says he needs the week off to himself in his home town. I give a suggestion I come there, he says he just needs to chill out and not 'entertain'. And I flip out completely, assume relationship is over right there on Skype, because he doesn't want to see me.... I regret so much to this day how I didn't understand, and how from there on out our 'relationship' never was the same, even from before we dated, the friendship broke down. He even tried again slightly to connect, but i was so hurt from previous and not healed I took my previous hurt out on him some more. We are 'friends' to some very weak extent now. I would like to have faith that it would develop but i think i have hurt him over the years with my reactions and off and on meanness of not healing properly before, that I don't know if he will ever come back to liking me the way he did to be in a relationship. I feel like I am holding onto something that will never be anymore but I have a tendency to flight when I feel I am about to get hurt. Is this a time to endure the storm, persist and keep working on myself to heal and be kind to him to prove I am here and not going to run away when things get tough. Or am I chasing a dream. He feels almost not like a fri
  • ElvenSpirit
     4/2/2014 7:35:28 AM
    Hi, my story continues: the guy because of whom I had the previous question and who I have been dating for 2 months works now 16-18 hours a day and told that currently he cannot commit to a serious relationship but he is happy that we had that great 2 months and that I am in his life, he just does not have time and resource to be in our relationship as extensively as in the first 2 months. Currently we still keep some contact and meet once a week. I know that he is really busy and it is not just an excuse. On the other hand he stepped out of a 10 year old non-working relationship because of me and I know that his ex girlfriend is still nagging him in text messages continuously. He partially admitted that besides much work it was also the constant push from the exgirlfriend which made him feel exhausted and giving up on our close relationship. What should I do in this situation? He usually answers the daily FYIs but recently does not initiate, he is just reacting. I also do not know about his future plans, whether he sees us as a possible couple. ...
  • ElvenSpirit
     4/2/2014 6:32:22 AM
    Hi, my story continues: the guy because of whom I had the previous question and who I have been dating for 2 months works now 16-18 hours a day and told that currently he cannot commit to a serious relationship but he is happy that we had that great 2 months and that I am in his life, he just does not have time and resource to be in our relationship as extensively as in the first 2 months. Currently we still keep some contact and meet once a week. I know that he is really busy and it is not just an excuse. On the other hand he stepped out of a 10 year old non-working relationship because of me and I know that his ex girlfriend is still nagging him in text messages continuously. He partially admitted that besides much work it was also the constant push from the exgirlfriend which made him feel exhausted and giving up on our close relationship. What should I do in this situation? He usually answers the daily FYIs but recently does not initiate, he is just reacting. I also do not know about his future plans, whether he sees us as a possible couple. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     3/28/2014 4:05:10 PM
    Elvenspirit, one daily should be just fine. :-)
  • ElvenSpirit
     3/28/2014 7:12:55 AM
    Dear Lauren, thank you for your answer. The thought of breaking up comes from an old experience (90/10 rule) where the guy got out from our relationship after one year dating by simply disappearing from one day to another. I would like to do things right and I might be overthinking it as my wish is to know the exact recipe, eg. is a daily one FYI too many, too few etc.
  • Lauren Gray
     3/26/2014 11:36:21 AM
    ElvenSpirit, FYI's do not require a response so it's fine that he doesn't respond. Send him a message whenever you think of him and want to connect. Not sure what happened prior to him pulling away that makes you think he might be breaking up with you stealth-style so I can't really comment on that. Most times a man will pull away during stressful times and then come back. There's no one size fits all answer. If you'd like to work with me one-on-one to get more clarity and share more backstory you can here: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm...
  • ElvenSpirit
     3/26/2014 1:54:34 AM
    Hi, should we expect an answer to these FYI messages or is it OK if the guy leaves them unanswered? Should I send another update if he did not have any reaction to the previous one? After how many days of not reacting at all should I consider that he might just broke up and took the easy way out by disappearing?
  • Lauren Gray
     3/17/2014 11:46:31 AM
    TexMex098, I'm sorry things went down like that and now he's closed the door. I'm happy to work with you one-on-one to get some clarity and come up with a plan of action. Here is the link to my work with me page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm. :-)
  • Texmex098
     3/16/2014 11:14:33 AM
    Hello Lauren!! So I met this guy at a party about 2 weeks ago. We just made some serious eye contact but neither one of us started a convo. The next day a friend of mine told me that the same guy I was eyeing was interested in me and wanted my number . After we exchanged numbers we held conversations over the phone and and texted each quite often . We were both very much interested in each other. He showed me through his actions that he really liked me and arranged for a date. He picked me up from my hotel and we headed out for dinner. Everything was going great. The same night that he took me on a date we ended up at a club . As we walked into the club he held my hand and made it known that I was with him. I felt very safe with him. We got very close and danced in sync with each other. We even made out. Everyone at the club could tell that we were really into each other. Everything was wonderful , But I made the worst mistake one can possibly make on a first date. I drank more than usual and I became very intoxicated . I have never done that before especially on a first date. What was I thinking ? This is something he told me that he hated during our first conversation. I don't remember leaving the club because I was so drunk. We constantly had to stop on the side of the road just so I can throw up. I even threw up in his car. Yikes ! He helped me back to my hotel room. Even though I was drunk I was still alert. I felt him touching me inappropriately and I told him NO!! He stopped. The next day I called him and told me that he was very much disappointed in me because I was better than that(I got drunk the night before ) . He told me that I turned him off. I apologized but he didn't respond how I thought he would. A couple of days passed and I sent him a text about how we should start off on a new page. He insisted that we just be friends. I am crushed. Why the sudden change? I thought he liked and was interested in me. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     3/14/2014 11:56:52 AM
    Bethbradley, this sounds like whirlwind. It's no wonder he's taking some time and I think it'd be great for you to take some time on your own as well. Just let things cool down. Go for some solo walks, journal about what you want in life, be silent and hang out with yourself, dance, sing, make art. Get grounded in who you are again without a man. Otherwise you'll just be falling into relationship after relationship without ever taking the time to reflect and get clear on what you want. If you'd like to work out a script of something to say to him based on what those reflections reveal, I'm happy to work one-on-one with you. You can learn more about that here: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm...
  • bethbradley
     3/13/2014 6:14:08 PM
    Hello Lauren, I hope it's not too late to leave comments on here. I've been friends with a great guy for a little over a year. I always liked him and thought he liked me but we were both in relationships so I didn't dwell on it. However, 2 months ago he broke up with his girlfriend and after a drunken night out he tried to kiss me. I apologised explained I had a boyfriend and he was very gracious about it. In an attempt to be "just friends" we began texting each other a bit, and because he lives with a close friend of mine we saw each other a couple of times. Finally i admitted to him that i did have strong feelings for him and when about deciding what to do about my boyfriend. A week or so later me and my boyfriend have a massive argument and i (terribly i know) end up kissing this other guy. The guy says is very pleased that I'm interested but wants me to make the right decision, and we agree to "see how it goes". Unfortunately a "friend" leaks to my boyfriend about the other guy. The boyfriend is understandable v angry and leaves me. I am shook up, but don't want to lose the other guy so we carry on talking and spend some completely innocent (no kissy-business) time together. As the situation has gotten pretty intense pretty quick. (within 2 weeks!!) So i thought me and the guy were on the same page, HOWEVER. 5 days ago he stopped talking to me (something which he was doing every day) and so after 2 days i sent him a nice laid back message about an in joke we have and he responded nicely but thats been it for another 3 days. I know the situation has happened very quickly but i dont want to lose him before it has even begun. There is a big birthday party in a few days that we are both attending. Should I say something to him? or be laid back and see if we can rekindle things at a later date? ...
  • Hunny
     2/25/2014 12:24:23 PM
    I'm sure I did sign up for the emails :-) It's been a whole week now I've not heard form him so I guess it is time to forget him.
  • Lauren Gray
     2/23/2014 3:45:53 PM
    Totally understand Hunny. As long as you're signed up for email updates you'll get tons of free advice to rebuild your life and love!
  • Hunny
     2/23/2014 10:52:46 AM
    Thanks for that Lauren but I'm not in a position to afford that right now. I left an abusive relationship of 22 years just over 2 years ago and have not recovered from the financial 'fall-out' yet. It's unfortunate I have fallen for a guy with no money either. At least we both know we're not after each other's money ;-)
  • Lauren Gray
     2/23/2014 10:27:41 AM
    Hi Hunny, I'd be happy to work with you so that you can get some clarity and a plan. Just click this link to go to my "work with me" page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm
  • Hunny
     2/23/2014 6:17:53 AM
    Part 2 - I messaged him again later to say I had just finished working and did he feel like a chat. He totally ignored my message. I was feeling really hurt so hours later told him that feeling ignored was another confusing signal for me. He said he's tried to Skype me. Turned out he had - 6 times.... (why he didn't text to say your Skype is not working is beyond me but I'm assuming that's a man thing) Next day a few messages were exchanged including him admitting he missed me. He called that night and we talked for hours about nothing. No relationship talk at all, just random chat and laughing. And that was the last I heard from him. What strikes me as odd is that, having been told that days of silence leaves me confused, he has proceeded to ignore me for the longest period ever. My instinct is to accept it is all over. I have not messaged him as I don't want to chase him, if he wants me he'd come after me stress or not. Am I right?...
  • Hunny
     2/23/2014 6:15:15 AM
    Hi Lauren, I've been seeing a guy for 8 months now and have not heard a word from him for 5 straight days. In the beginning he would visit me every weekend and call me every day. Plus he'd send random texts asking how I am. Before Christmas he said he was really stressed about money and the contact was no longer daily. I night not hear from him for 2 days at a time. We live about 1.5 hours drive from each other so money problems stopped us form getting together so much as we can't always afford the fuel. I did not say anything about this or complain, other than to say I really wanted to see him around Christmas time. We had a great weekend together just before Christmas, and then we didn't see each other until Valentines weekend just gone. During this time we talked rarely and the messages were scarce but at east every couple of days. I said at one point that as the distance wasn't working and because we were just friends with benefits we might as well call it a day and both meet people more local to us. He said we were more than FWB's and a convo took place where he said we were a couple and we were exclusive. Valentines weekend was great and on the Sunday we ended up talking a bit more frankly about things. I admitted that I felt I was getting confusing signals from him and sometimes I thought he liked me and sometimes he didn't. He asked what I meant so I said as an example if didn't hear from him for several days I felt as if I was possibly being dumped. He told me not to be so stupid. Before he left we hugged and talked about being a couple. All seemed well. He even left some clothes here. On the Monday I didn't hear from him, so as a carry on from our convo I sent a message saying that another confusing signal was being in a relationship but not getting a 'good morning' from my man. He said he'd been busy. I messaged him again later to say I had just finished working and ...
  • CaliStClaire
     10/30/2013 9:15:58 PM
    Thanks so much, Lauren! Oh, I already read that blog. And I cried. Literally! Ha, well, it's okay, thanks for sharing the truth with us. It can just be so hard to accept. So I am just keeping up the connection with him, after coming out of denial... anger... etc, that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend currently. <3
  • CaliStClaire
     10/30/2013 9:08:28 PM
    Thanks so much, Lauren! Oh, I already read that blog. And I cried. Literally! Ha, well, it's okay, thanks for sharing the truth with us. It can just be so hard to accept. So I am just keeping up the connection with him, after coming out of denial... anger... etc, that he doesn't want to be my boyfriend currently. <3
  • Lauren Gray
     10/30/2013 12:49:19 PM
    Hi CaliStClair, So glad you're enjoying the blogs!! In answer to your question, FYI's can absolutely be sent without getting any response in return. When it comes to your particular situation where your guy has articulated that he doesn't want a relationship, this is the blog for you: "Is he into me or not?" Check it out here: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/is-he-into-me-or-not-im-getting-whiplash-here
  • CaliStClaire
     10/29/2013 10:02:10 PM
    What if he has already said he "isn't really looking for a relationship," before he gets into work and becomes scarce. Not sure if I should bother with FYI messages. Also, should a woman wait for a response from him or just send the little FYIs regardless? Thanks for your great blogs!
  • Lauren Gray
     10/29/2013 3:41:18 PM
    Lilly1027, Thanks for sharing your story here. If you'd like to receive one-on-one advice, I can help you through my Email Advice Package. http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf
  • Lauren Gray
     10/29/2013 3:39:26 PM
    Maymay14, that's awesome! Check out my response to etteJay for another perspective on the mixed signals thing. In the meantime, sending those FYI's and practicing patience helps you not only for this relationship but these skills and perspective will help with all future relationships with men. These skills last a lifetime. I'm so glad you're trying it!!
  • Lauren Gray
     10/29/2013 3:36:10 PM
    etteJay, the power is always in your court. If this arrangement no longer meets your needs because you don't see an end in sight then it's time for you to end things and find a man who has a more flexible schedule. My advice in this blog isn't to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy. My advice is simply that if you want to make things work with a man who is temporarily busy with a project, then FYI's are the way to go. Nagging him will only poison the love. But if you are not satisfied and you are prepared to move on, do it. You don't need to wait for the love to poison as an excuse to move on. It's always a balance of the question, "What do I want more: This man or (this particular aspect of a relationship)?" You always hold the power. :-)...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/29/2013 3:30:51 PM
    Hi Jade, I'm sorry it didn't work out. Just remember your Mr. Right is still out there! Check out these blogs to help you move on: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/how-to-get-closure-in-8-simple-steps AND http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/does-mr-right-really-exist-1.
  • cyndipn
     10/29/2013 9:39:57 AM
    Wow..glad to know I'm not the only one with the flakey guy problem! What a cop out. The last time I heard this, I got to be the friend alright...friend forever more. Not allowed to be seen with him. Not allowed to do anything with him that I planned. Not allowed to do anything even remotely "couplish" in public. Constantly reminded we are not in a relationship. And I must add, only contacted when he is in between "interests". I didn't see anything in your article about this. As a "friend" I am no longer the girlfriend...HELLO!!!! Why?! Because I'm just a friend, remember?! He is free to find a new official girlfriend!!! Yep, my take is that if I agree to be just friends, then friends I will forever more be....
  • Jade1211
     10/28/2013 11:39:14 AM
    Hi Lauren, This is a follow up from my previous post of few months back. I gave my boyfriend plenty of space, and did not pressure him any. On our last date together back in early September he expressed that he felt like he was being a bad boyfriend and would understand if I wanted to break things off. I thought it was odd he said that, since I was being understanding to his situation. Then he proceeded to tell me that his son is now starting a traveling basketball team and would have even less time to spend with me. I expressed my sympathy and then let it go. After thinking about what he said I really felt like he was looking for me to break up with him. I called him the next day to discuss my feelings and he said he wanted to still see me, but wanted to take a step back. I agreed, and two weeks went by with no contact. I decided to send him a text just saying "Hi" and tell him about some good news I received. He responded the next day in a text saying he was suffering from a bad cold, and said that was great news. Three days later he called me and asked me if I was mad. I said, "no" and changed the subject to lighter things. 10 minutes int the call he got a call from his boss and said he would call me back. Thirty minutes after that call he texted me and told me he would call me later and he would talk to me soon. It's been six weeks since that call. I texted him a "Hello" a few weeks after his call and he never even responded. I guess I need to move on. Its heart breaking because we had such a great time together....
  • etteJay
     10/28/2013 11:18:54 AM
    I am currently experiencing this situation w/ my bf. He is always maxxed out both energetically and with his time. I'm not opposed to doing what you suggest, however I don't think that doing so is going to fulfill my own personal needs and goals. Suppose he stays with this job for years. Am I supposed to always be patient and understanding even though I'm feeling neglected? At what point is it reasonable for me to become a priority?
  • maymay14
     10/28/2013 10:09:41 AM
    Reading this blog was quite timely. Encouraged me to send a "fyi" text. Thanks for the challenge. Now for the wait game. Getting so many mixed signals so it is super hard to tell what is going on in this relationship. Thanks for the advice and look forward to seeing what happens next! Am working on my patience.
  • Lilly1027
     10/28/2013 8:41:35 AM
    (continued from below) the amazing night where we got so much closer) he tells me that he's not ready for a serious relationship. That he appreciates how respectful I was of what he had going on, but he doesn't want to let me down and can't be in a serious full-time relationship now. Said he likes me, likes spending time with me and we have lots of fun. He says that while all that was going on and he was dealing, that if he was really serious he would've still wanted to see me all the time while dealing with the bad stuff. Now, having read your dad's books and some other books, I don't believe that necessarily - because of how men are one-track minded and they withdraw and don't want to be around anyone (which he'd said - not even his bro who lives with him). So I didn't argue - just said I was confused and that I wasn't wanting serious yet either and not sure why he thought I was. I had been overwhelmed by how into me he was - like over the top into me - missing me constantly, always wanting to see me, SOOO "happy to have me with him"... Etc. It really is like a 180. Then yesterday - on my birthday, day after this convo, he posts “Happy Birthday, sweetie!! Hope you have a great day and enjoy it – you deserve it!" and converses through posts. THEN texts me about getting together to hang out and also we need to celebrate my birthday. I don't get it. I really don't. I've never seen such a switch - even my guy friends are baffled. And then his talking about getting together after the day before I think we’re done?? ...
  • Lilly1027
     10/28/2013 8:40:03 AM
    Lauren, I didn't realize it cut off my post. So to paraphrase the rest as best I can. That night, after he got choked up, it seemed we got so much closer – NO SEX, just connected more than ever. The next day I was hanging with a friend and he stayed in his hometown for his bro's b-day –all pre-planned and normal. The next day (Sunday) was time with family. I saw him that night and he seemed really down. Said that his visit with his parents wasn't great. I didn't press - he'd already shared that his dad has addiction issues similar to a friend of mine, and that his mom is at her wit's end and they may be divorcing. Still we had a nice night, but he was quiet. Next morning, things were fine – he was sweet and attentive. Even texted during work which he can’t always do. He went back to work after vacation and they'd made some changes for the worse while he was gone. That evening I was hanging with a friend, but he and I spoke on the phone and he seemed more down than the day before and told me it was home stuff and work was bad. Next day - work got even worse with further changes and he said he was going to find a new place to work and would actively pursue a new job. He apologized for being distant but said he was so angry and just had to focus on that. This wasn’t surprising as I knew already some of the possible changes they were making. I gave him lots of space, but he would still text me every day, and I'd reply something short but encouraging – so a couple times a day we’d have small touching base. He thanked me for my support and prayers. That weekend I was going out of town for a girls' trip. He told me to have a great time and be safe. He even liked FB posts of our stuff we did. Then another week started - he texted a few times over the week and “liked” FB posts from DAYS earlier - as in, he had to be on my wall scrolled WAY DOWN to see them and not as they happened. Saturday (two weeks from th
  • Yram
     10/27/2013 1:08:42 PM
    IF HES NOT THAT INTO YOU HE WILL FORGET YOU EXIST UNTIL HE NEEDS EITHER COMPANY OR SEX KEEP YOUR SELF RESPECT IF HE DOESN'T REPLY TO ANY EFFORT YOU MAKE TO CONTACT HIM MOVE ON TO SOMEONE WHO DOES CARE AND WHO WILL TREAT YOU RIGHT HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT AND ACT ON IT YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU BETTER
  • Yram
     10/27/2013 1:07:16 PM
    so in total i have not seen or heard from him in over 7 weeks and i'm not bothered i have moved on i'm dating i'm happy i told him i was resuming dating and was no longer exclusive with him his colleagues have told me he puts me down alot and says things that will get me in trouble with the boss he still has my things which he can keep I have blocked him on everything including twitter and linkedin taken back all reccommendations and I am happier why did he call me abnormal and act this way ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH NOT BEING ABLE TO MULTI TASK he had been married for over 30 years He had just gotten divorced = rebound He asked me out to feel good His friend now ex friend and now my friend says he was used by him so he could get near me He was so set in his ways he is not going to change for anyone He has arguments and then ends the conversation with thats my opinion! He accused me of lying and sleeping around and when he found out it was not true he never apologised as it was his opinion. He wanted to see me whenever he wanted to never when it was convientient for me I was expected to change my plans but when he said i didnt have to as he wouldn't for me i didnt change them and he pouted and sulked saying he now had to jump to my command He wanted someone he could boss about and treat like crap and when he found he couldnt do that he went quiet using lots of excuses he was tired he was working he was preparing for work he was seeing his daughter he was seeing his friend LADIES IF A GUY DOESNT CALL OR TEXT OR EMAIL OR ANYTHING FOR WEEKS AT A TIME HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU MOVE ON THE MINUTE YOU MOVE ON HE WILL WANT TO KNOW AGAIN WHICH SHOWS HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU. DONT LET GUYS GET YOU DOWN FIND SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO TALK TO YOU WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO TAKE YOU OUT WHO ACTUALLY WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR DAY MEN CAN MULTI-TASK AND MEN CAN CONNECT BUT IF HES NOT THAT INTO YOU HE WILL FORGET Y...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/21/2013 5:31:54 PM
    Hi Lilly, your comment got cut off but the first part of the story sounds so romantic! Congrats on your BEST KISS EVER! ;-)
  • Lilly1027
     10/21/2013 2:06:59 PM
    I've been seeing a guy for about 6 weeks... Things were going really well. He's great and has treated me properly the whole time. I actually made a list after my last boyfriend, at the suggestion of my counselor, listing what I want in a man. He is EVERY SINGLE THING on the list. Kinda freaked ME out a little when I looked at it and realized. We have fun together. I was adamant that we both have space and we were not seeing each other every night of the week, even though he said he wanted to and sure tried. He was on a stay-cation (had to use days so he didn't lose them) a couple weeks ago, and he even stopped by to see me at work because he missed me. Said he had gotten used to seeing me a lot. He's been very sweet with me. My last boyfriend was not trustworthy so I've had a hard time letting myself trust this one and even letting myself really like him. I've met his family and spent time with some of them. A week and a couple days ago (Friday night at the end of his vacation) I went to his hometown for his high school's homecoming football game (the third we'd gone to this season). It's a small town. After the game his cousin invited us to a bonfire at a cabin in the woods nearby. It was a great time. During that party, it seemed we really connected and that our connection grew exponentially stronger and we got much closer. A song that is special to me came on. I was listening to music and watching him talk to friends. The song came on and he stopped talking and looked over at me, held up his hand to his friends and excused himself, walked straight over to me and took my head in his hand and leaned me back and kissed me THE BEST KISS EVER. He said he was so glad I was with him and he was so happy. He kissed me through the song. He stopped and stood up, and I looked up at him. He had tears in his eyes and choked. I asked if he was okay and he replied, "Just being here with you, and kissing y
  • Lauren Gray
     8/6/2013 3:03:30 PM
    Pheanixs, I think it's clear from his action that this man is not ready for a relationship. He may be available for occasion no strings attached sex with a woman he genuinely cares for but anything beyond that right now is beyond him. My advice to you is to keep to your word and not sleep together again. You care about him so it becomes harder to have no strings attached occasional sex without any expectations. It's best to not be available that way to him until he is in a place where he can pursue you with the purpose of making you his honey. Don't give a man the perks of being a girlfriend without have the mutual agreement that you are his girlfriend. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     8/6/2013 2:58:08 PM
    Jade1211, It's really common for friends to be "over" protective and give that kind of advice. But their hearts aren't on the line, your heart is. You have an understanding about men and how they work that your friends don't have. You are the one who needs to make the choice: do I work with what I got, honor his differences, give him space and ask for what I want? Or do I take my friend's advice, criticize him, give him an ultimatum which will probably end the relationship? The real question is, are you getting enough of your needs met so that this relationship makes you happy and enriches your life? If not, then it's not the relationship for you. But don't let your friends sway you from what you know in your heart. ...
  • Jade1211
     8/6/2013 7:52:27 AM
    Hi Lauren, This morning I was feeling especially miserable about my boyfriend of 9 months being less attentive to me, especially since he got this new job and he is putting in numerous hours of driving and work time. I have read Mars and Venus on a Date and Getting to I do, which both talk about being the feminine energy in a relationship. For the most part I have tried very hard to be the feminine energy in this relationship and wait for him to call and ask for dates. I never have given him a hard time about being less attentive the past few weeks. We have limited time to spend together as it is, since we are both single parents and have joint custody. In the beginning we would see each other once a week, but now it’s down to once every other week since he started this job about six weeks ago. We have not spoken in a week now. I contacted him on last Friday via a friendly text, and he called me back on Saturday morning but I was retained when he called. I was able to call him back that afternoon. I just said sorry I missed his call and hope he was having a nice weekend with his son, and three days later I have yet to hear back from him. My friends keep telling me that I shouldn’t let him treat me that way and that it’s not that hard for him to send me a simple text or short call just letting me knows he is busy and thinking of me. They say if he really cares about me he would take the time for a call or text. I tell them that giving him a hard time will just push him away. They again tell me I am not being respected. Both my friends are married several years and have good marriages. Part of me wants to take their advice and let him know that I am hurt by his actions. They feel it lets him know that he can’t treat me like that, and I am being to “nice.” However, like this article says, men don’t even realize that this can seem disrespectful and hurtful. He also has not yet told me he loves me or introduced me to his son. My one friend is also p...
  • Pheanixs
     8/6/2013 12:12:32 AM
    Dear Lauren, I’ve been friends with this guy for 30 years. At age 35 he wanted to date me but I wasn’t ready. After several years we reconnected, he became very affectionate & wanted to sleep together. We did once but he was still hoping to get back together with another woman, so I suggested we remain friends. I was having feelings for him now and he respected that. He moved away for a year then contacted me saying that he & his 15 year old son needed a place to live. I had a basement suite available so they moved in. During his year away he got over this other woman. We flirted but he made no moves on me, so I told him I was feeling attracted to him. He said he felt the same but that he liked the way his life was and that he didn’t want things to change, but the next night he came over & we slept together. He initiated it! Then I went on holidays and the night before I left he came up & we had a wonderful evening together. When I got back I made a big mistake! I told him not to make plans for Saturday night as I was going to make him dinner & give him a massage. The next morning he cancelled, said he was not into socializing because he had a deadline to meet and he was too stressed. He is a computer programmer and is working on a very intense project, working 17 hour days! He then started to avoid me, I spoke with him about it & he reassured me that he wanted to get together but not until his project was done. After three weeks I told him I felt disrespected and asked him if he was avoiding me because we had been intimate. He said “most likely”! So I told him that the dinners, massages, sex and intimacy were over and asked him to be respectful. He agreed & was much friendlier. Then after a couple of weeks he withdrew again. I approached him again saying that I felt bad because we weren’t even friends anymore. He once again said it was because of this very intense project he was working on, he told me he wanted me to be happy and that he would make some contact w.


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