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DATING ADVICE

How to win a girl's heart when you're not the only one vying for it.

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
I’ve had a crush on this woman for about a month. We’ve gone out several times, and we seemed to be hitting it off. Then she starts to back away. I decide its best to completely back off: no telephone, no Facebook, no texting. I still run into her because we’re in the same social circles. This makes it hurt more. Then, it comes to my attention that I’m not the only one who’s interested in this woman, there’s another. I’m the good guy, the safe guy; I don’t feel like I fare well in these types of competitions. I don’t want to risk my heart any more than I need to trying, but I hate to just give up. Should I go for it, or should I gracefully exit?
Greg
 
Hi Greg,
 
Mixed Messages
 
It seems to me, based on your actions, that you’ve already given up. No telephone, no Facebook, no texting! What message do you think you’re sending this woman; that you’re interested in pursuing a relationship?
 
She’d have to be psychic!
 
Right about now she’s probably having the “Is he just not that into me?” talk with her girlfriends or perhaps she’s writing a “Dear Lauren: Is He In His Cave?” letter.
 
This woman is trying to find the right man for her. She wants someone to sweep her off her feet and make her happy. By not consistently showing your interest you have confused her AND put yourself out of the running.
 
By god man, if she means something to you, stay in there!
 
 
Eeny Meeny Miny Moe: How women really choose
 
It’s important to keep in mind that she probably doesn’t know what to do about her multiple suitor situation either.
 
Lets see, eeny meeny miny moe, which man will make her the happiest?
 
No, that doesn’t sound right.
 
A woman may have a genuine attraction to a guy but at the beginning, it’s fragile. Where men are like gas stoves, women are generally more like crock pots. A man’s attraction flame is lit very quickly. But a woman takes longer to warm up to a guy before her ambivalence is traded in for attachment.
 
You only put in a month before her ambivalence sent you packing. It’s NORMAL for a woman to be ambivalent. Do not take her ambivalence personally. If a woman is overly attached in the beginning it could be a dangerous sign for the relationship. 
 
You say you’re the nice guy like it’s a bad thing. But dude, its not high school anymore. You don’t have to ride up on a motorcycle to get the girl.

She will choose the man that shows her he can make her the happiest.
 
 
How to win the fair maiden’s hand
 
You wanna know how to win the fair maiden’s hand?

You want to know how to make her choose you?

You want to know how to show a woman that you’re the man who can make her happy?
 
You have to earn her trust. You have to be consistent with your affection and attention.

Consistency and persistence build trust and attraction. (Tweet that!)

I’m not saying come on super strong and text her every 5 minutes. I’m saying: listen to her, be there for her should she need your help, show her that you want to make her happy. Put your best foot forward: be chivalrous, kind, considerate, and thoughtful.
 
Be patient. Take it slow. Do nice little things for her like: bring her a rose for no reason, surprise her with her favorite coffee order, remember something she said days ago and refer to it in conversation.
 
Damnit man, sweep her off her feet!!!
 
You’re persistence in pursuing her (not stalking!) will help her to work through her ambivalence.
 

Being a “real man” means…
 
Risking your heart for love.
 
The biggest complaint women have about the dating scene today is that men aren’t men anymore. They’re passive, lazy, insecure “boys.” Women are looking for a real man. Being a real man means putting your heart on the line and pursuing the woman who peaks your interest.
 
The biggest response men have to this complaint is that it’s not fair that all the responsibility of the pursuit belongs to the man. Why can’t women pursue too?
 
Remember when we talked about women being crock pots? When a woman is ambivalent, how do you expect her to pursue?
 
She can’t. It doesn’t work with a woman’s attraction process. But when a man pursues a woman, builds her trust, and shows her his interest, THAT’s when she can connect with her attraction, affection and attachment for him.
 
Even if you do everything right, you still have to consider that you may not be the guy for her and that it’s just as hard for her to say no to you, as it is for you to feel hurt and rejected.
 
Ask her out anyway.
 
You say you don’t want to risk your heart but the reality is: love is a numbers game. In sales you pitch to 25 people before you get a taker. To expect a sale each time you pursue a woman would be setting yourself up for sure disappointment.
 
C’mon man, no pain no gain. No risk no reward. Put your gloves on and get back in the ring! We’re all rooting for you!
 
-Lauren
 
Now I want to hear from you!
 
Guys: What’s a move that won YOU the fair lady’s hand? Have you ever changed a woman’s ambivalence to attachment through persistence and charm?
 

Ladies: Do you have a story about how in the beginning you may not have been attracted to your special someone but they ultimately convinced you with their charm, persistence and confidence? (I do. ;-)
 

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read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Lauren Gray
     12/1/2013 4:51:55 PM
    It was a great article Wildbill562. I even shared it on my facebook page a few days ago. But when you want a woman and she's ambivalent about you, pulling away and playing coy is not going to get her to chase you; it's going to help her move on from you and onto another guy who is interested. This is fine if you're ambivalent about her too but when it's a woman you actually want, you should be consistent with your attention and let her know you want her. She may decide she's not interested and that's a risk you take. But when you put yourself out there and make an effort, she can learn to trust you and can connect authentically with her own growing attraction to you. If all you want is a woman who will chase you and pursue you, there are plenty of those out there but read this blog so you know the risks: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/stumped-at-being-dumped...
  • Lauren Gray
     11/25/2013 1:25:54 PM
    Mark Blasini, What a great point! Thanks so much for sharing. I discuss a similar point in this blog here if you'd like to check it out ;-) http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/the-one-move-you-need-to-up-your-game-with-the-ladies
  • Mark Blasini_71281
     11/24/2013 7:54:54 AM
    This is a great advice. I think one thing that Lauren didn't really expand upon that every man should take into consideration when vying for a girl's heart is that a girl wants to feel as if she is special and unique in a guy's eyes. This is something you have to show her through paying attention to detail. You can't simply do nice things for her - you have to do things that tailor to her unique personality. Consider it this way: let's say you're an Eagles fan, and someone buys you a Cowboy jersey. You may consider it a nice gesture, but it isn't tailored to your specific interests. Women are very similar. They want individualized attention. What this means is that you can't just go in and try, try, try, hoping that by putting your heart out there she'll bite. You have to use intelligence. Pay attention to her, what she says, what her friends say, what she likes on Facebook, her movie or jewelry collection, etc. Don't stalk her to get this info, but do notice her and invest interest in her. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     7/16/2013 10:31:43 PM
    As I said, love is a numbers game. Keep putting yourself out there and you'll find your sweetheart. ; )
  • RTorres
     7/16/2013 6:23:48 PM
    I am in the same place i did everything Laurend said n it didnt work