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My girl has pulled away, what does this mean?

Lauren Gray

Hi Lauren,

I started a new relationship 2 months ago. We’ve spent a large amount of time together in bliss and we both seemed to really enjoy the attachment. My girlfriend has recently had out of town family members come to visit and between me and them had little time for herself.  Is it appropriate and healthy for the relationship if she indicates she needs time apart from the relationship to take care of herself?  It also seems on other occasions when she wants to take time for herself she pushes me away.  She may say things that are hurtful just prior to or during our time apart.  Is this normal?

-Mitch


Hi Mitch,

Yes, it can be healthy for the relationship. And while it’s not as common for women to go into “the girl cave,” it definitely falls under the “normal” umbrella.


Men don't have a monopoly on "The Cave"

Usually when we speak of “the cave,” the man is the one pulling away to regain his sense of self and independence. Which is no surprise since Martians love autonomy and Venusians love community.

But this doesn’t mean men exclusively love being alone and women exclusively love being in relationships.

Sometimes, women feel the urge to pull away from a relationship when the intimacy gets too intense too quickly or the couple spends “too much” time together. At this point, SHE needs to reassert her sense of self and independence. And here’s why…


Why women pull away

It feels wonderful to a woman when a man is attentive to her needs, when he takes care of her and makes her happy. He is literally sweeping her off her own two feet. But without solid ground beneath her, a woman can get lost in the strength and comfort of the arms holding her up.

At this point, the danger lies in becoming dependent upon her partner’s love for her.

She loves herself through his eyes, and forgets to do the work to love herself through her own.

Because he makes her happy, she becomes dependant on him to make her happy. With him taking care of her, she forgets to exercise the muscles she needs to take care of herself. At this point, the man has no room to make mistakes or pull away because her sense of worth and happiness is tied up into how well he loves her.


How HER cave time, benefits YOU

Let’s be honest, no matter how perfect you are, you are going to eventually make a mistake, have a bad day, say the wrong thing or pull away for your own cave time.

And when that happens in this dynamic, shit is gonna hit the fan.

Nobody wants that.

So it's a woman’s responsibility in the relationship to create a sense of balance so that she can be receptive to your love but not become dependent upon it.

You are lucky! You landed a woman with a built in alarm system. At the times she gets a little too comfortable with you holding up her weight and her “self-love” muscles start to weaken, a little alarm goes off in her subconscious. Uh-oh…the beginning of dependency is rearing its ugly head…BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!

The moment she hears her alarm go off, she jumps out of your arms and lands on her own two feet, determined to strengthen the muscles that have weakened through disuse.

She pulls away to reassert her joy in taking care of herself, her capability to fulfill her own needs, and to remind herself that she is more than just a relationship: she’s a full exciting person with lots going on and lots to fall back on should YOU ever pull away. Or you know, to continue the metaphor, should you ever drop her!


Why she's such a b-i-t-c-h 

The reason she's so bitchy about pulling away is because she doesn’t yet understand this need or her alarm system. She’s in the moment with you, feeling shmoopy and intimate and suddenly she gets whiplash and has to get away from you. WHAT is going on?! So she lets little things you do get on her nerves so that she can justify her bitchiness, which in turn PUSHES you away.

Tada! Mission accomplished! She has time to herself!

It certainly gets the job done but it’s far from graceful and it leaves you very confused with a little lingering whiplash of your own. There has to be a better way!


A better way

Instead of lashing out, it’s her job to set her boundary by asking for what she needs: time and space.

At the moment, she doesn’t have those tools and she probably doesn’t know what’s happening to her. On a surface level it appears you’ve suddenly gotten more annoying. But that’s not really what’s up. So it’s your job to have her read this blog post and initiate the conversation of finding a good way for her to set her boundary that works for both of you.

I recommend her saying something like this (with a smile and a hug,)


“I am so enjoying my time with you. But I need to take some time for myself. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you, it’s that I need time alone. I love it when you make me happy and I also love making myself happy and right now I need to indulge that part of me. I would really appreciate if you respected this boundary and didn’t call or text me for a while. I promise to let you know the minute I’m ready to be close again.”


The most important thing you MUST do

You need to respect her boundary.

If you pout, show any signs of having your feelings hurt, if you try to talk her out of it, or become needy and follow her into her cave, you will pay the price. She will do one of two things:

1. She will never trust you again as you have shown your true colors. She asked you for what she needed and you didn't respect that request. She will apply this to the future and probably leave you.

2. She will feel guilty and will sacrifice her own needs to make you happy. This is not what a woman does for her man; this is what a mommy does for her son. She will lose attraction to you and you can kiss your sex life goodbye.  

So handle her with care, sweep her off her feet until she feels the need to walk on her own. Then let her go. Just remember, the more balanced she feels, the more confidently she can fall in love with you. (And the more freedom you have to make mistakes!)

With love,
Lauren

Now I want to hear from you!

Guys, have you ever experienced feeling intimacy with a girl and then suddenly out of nowhere she pulls away or starts acting irritated with everything you do?

Ladies, do you enjoy taking time away from a relationship to reassert your autonomy and strengthen your self-love muscles?


If you'd like to learn more about how to get me-time and how me-time supports you and your relationships, take this quick survey HERE.


If you enjoyed this article, please SHARE it with your friends. Click to tweet: Why women pull away in relationships and need "me-time." http://ctt.ec/eHUco+ 

read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • tonypony
     9/14/2014 11:44:58 PM
    Hi Lauren. I am glad I found your article. It kinda puts ease to that anxiety like us guys are messing something up. In a nutshell, I met a girl 4 weeks ago. We'd been on many dates since then. Learning about each other, first kiss, first 'sleepover', intimate stories and secrets - it really has gone very well and has taken me by storm. I can confidently say the same for her. 5 days ago she approached me saying that she's fallen pretty hard for me. I was pleasantly surprised as I felt the same. Whilst nothing is official between us, and we've never had THAT discussion, there is a mutual agreement to take things as they are going day by day. There is no need to label this, or force something as everything was just going well. This was my point of view. However, since she came out with her feelings of 'falling for me', she's seemed to be very different. We spent Friday Saturday and even Sunday together but there was none of that 'honeymoon' phase where she was completely infatuated with me. Not wanting to make a scene out of nothing Ive quietly observed these behaviors hoping there would be some sort of change. We've been sexual with each other so I learnt that she has been on her period since her confession with me. But I dont think this is the reason. Where I can relate to your article is that since she has met me, she has derailed a lot of her routine to accommodate her new desire in me. She's politely told me that she needs to get to sleep earlier in the week. Her messages to me are less frequent and less emotional. From being absolutely amazed by me it has retracted to shorter direct answers. I am still confident she likes me, and likes me a lot... From meeting her parents, to her friends, being her +1 to birthday parties, etc, this girl really wants me around. My question is how do you suggest I go about my actions? Should I continue being the 'infatuated guy' I was the last 4 weeks? Or should
  • Blueorchard
     7/17/2014 11:08:27 PM
    Dear Lauren, I am dating a girl for the last 7 months, we are both married, but we spent a lot of time together. She was not good with her husband for the past 2 years and she left her country with her kids and move to my country. For 7 months we had a great time together, and the last two months she was telling me that she loves me and that she wants me , and that she wants to live with me, and to divorce both of us in order to live together. The last two weeks she changed rapidly and she wanted to spent less time with me and that she wanted to spent time with her self and to think about our relationship as she dont like to date married man etc. I was too pushy to be honest to understand why she was doing like this and i followed her. Before we were speaking every 2 hours by texting and spending a lot lot time together with her and with her kids. She explained me that she needs to think... She has her sister visiting her now from her country with her husband, so is 3 day now I didnt see her. she is not answering my phonecalls and she rarely answer to my messages. The day before Yesterday i didnt write her for 4 hours a message and she texted me , how are you? and she was asking me where i am yesterday i asked her to go for dinner and she told me that she couldnt and that maybe today we could go . Then i asked her if she miss me and she answered me yes. i asked her if her life is better without me and she said no and that she needs to think Then i asked her how long she need to think because is almost 2 weeks that she is doing like this and she is not answering back my messages. I wrote her how much i love her etc. I really dont know how to handle this. Can you please help me? i dont know what to do and how to react and am totally lost. First time this happens in my life. A so rapid change from a woman . ...
  • KT
     7/14/2014 3:40:23 AM
    Hi Lauren, I must say that I wish I had read this about a month ago. I believe in my heart that she is my soul mate. We had been dating for a year and a half, it was by far the healthiest and loving relationship I've ever been in. She asked for time and space (which for the most part I have been giving her) and it threw me for a loop. I spent time looking at my side of things and realized that at times I put other things in front of the relationship, I'm an ambitious and driven man. She is absolutely the most important person in my life, she's my best friend. At this particular time she DOES have to figure some things out for herself and my initial response was we could do that together! Fear got the best of me and I was afraid of losing her. I did send her a letter that pointed out my own flaws and also said that I believe in her and she could accomplish anything in this world. She has said she will reach out when she feels ready; I hope so, with all my heart. I simply hope the minimal contact I did make hasn't made her feel repulsed or driven her completely away. I may be reeling inside, but I will do my best to respect her needs at this time. This really is a great article, haven't seen another one that explains this any better! ...
  • chad123
     6/16/2014 12:38:54 PM
    Hey Lauren, so I've been talking to this girl for almost 2 months now, seeing each other a couple times a week and texting 24/7. We've been growing very close and she has even stated many times how she really likes me and all sort of other mushy stuff. This past weekend we went up north for a couple days to spend some time on the water, not just the two of us but with a small group, we had a blast together but the day after we got back all of the sudden she is acting distant. I told her i hadn't her much from her recently and asked if everything was alright and she said everything's fine shes just been really busy. She isn't completely ignoring me but her replies are slower, texts are noticeably shorter and not as full of emotion as they have been the past two months. Judging by your other responses you say I should give her space but does that mean stop responding to her texts or what?...
  • Loveherforit13
     6/15/2014 11:28:20 PM
    Hey Lauren. I think this is exactly what I am experiencing right now. So we have been together for just under 1 year (7 days to go) now we just finished our university exams and things have been stressful especially on her I think. Now she last week told me that she isnt sure about us anymore and that she isnt sure she can give me what I fully need. She said that she didnt feel good when she annoyed me or irritated me even though I loved it and felt even closer when we did. Now she left back home after just finishing exams and we havent really talked because I know its just going to make it worse right now (only 3 hours away from me) but I did ask to give me a week and a bit to just think about all we have been through and that sort of stuff and she said yes. Now Im going to keep fighting for her but how do I make her see that I love her and that she is the one that I want despite her thinking she isnt right for me? I love her and she said she wants to love her still she really did. Please help me in this uncharted territory!...
  • Lauren Gray
     5/22/2014 6:04:33 PM
    Hey Steven, Welcome! Glad to see you here. I'm happy to work one on one with you on this. This is the link to my work with me page:http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm.
  • sprthous
     5/22/2014 12:12:04 PM
    Hi Lauren, First time reader here but I am very impressed with your insight and advice to others. Unfortunately I am going through this now and it's very painful. It has been a wonderful 3 months with this lovely gal where my heart and my mind are in sync, until one week ago. A little bit about us...we both are 30 yrs and been in previous relationships before. You can say that we're still in the talking stage where we agreed to take things slow, spend time to get to know each other. We haven't had any intimacy since we both have a quite conservative background and thats OK with me because I sincerely want to learn more about her. We've been in touch since Day1 through text, phone calls and meetup,etc. and I am very happy about it. I planned to express my true feelings and hope to officially ask her to be my gf this upcoming Memorial Weekend. However since last week she's just not as being chatty, replied short answer text messages and never called me back like before. I am certain that she's just ignoring me. At the same time I reached out to her asked to meet up for dinners and NO has been her favorite answer lately. I am confused, a bit lost and waking up middle of night thinking about this. I do sincerely care for her and just wish she says something. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Steven...
  • DaVinci814
     5/22/2014 9:10:17 AM
    She's living about 3 hours from me and I have visited her several times and it's always been amazing. She still wants to be "friends" but her idea of friends doesn't look much different than our long distance relationship. Not sure how to treat her at this point. I told her I need time to heal.. not sure why my last comment was cut shot. Please email or comment me back, and THANKS! your blog is awesome
  • DaVinci814
     5/22/2014 8:49:42 AM
    Hi Lauren, Need your advice here. My girlfriend and I started dating about 7 months ago in November. We were both crazy about each other from day one. About two months in she was struggling financially. Her parents opened their doors for her to move home to save money and learn to train dogs at a near by facility (her life long dream). She asked my opinion and I supported her completely. If our love is true distance won't matter. over the next few months we grew to know each other and love each other more deeply. We spoke of marriage and a future together. As time passed and greater opportunity opened up for her with the dog training she realized that her 6 month stay was looking more like 1-2 years. She fully intends to move back and we just kept pushing through the obstacles encouraging each other that this is for OUR future. Then about a month ago she broke up with me saying "Idk if we're right for each other" after quelling her concerns which were mostly coming from her family (they don't think we're right). She wanted to keep going. now just last week she's breaking up with me again. She says she needs to focus on herself and be single. She wants to throw herself at this career 100%. I respect and admire her tenacity but I'm hurt. She says her feelings haven't changed, but the SINGLE title makes that hard to understand. She isn't ruling out a future but she doesn't want me to hold onto that because she says she has no idea when she'll be done. but she just has to focus on herself. It's all so confusing. I have never Loved someone so deeply and it's hard to imagine how she could be so willing to let this go possibly for good. She tells me I'm perfect but the timing isn't right. She wants to keep communication open, but when I asked her to set some boundaries there basically are none... it's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too... I told her I need sometime to heal and
  • Rod
     4/28/2014 11:37:04 AM
    HI! I am a married man, separating now. I found a beautiful cute princess and we got attracted from the first moment, we texted much we talked much and had incredible conversations full of content and culture, she considered me her mentor (I am older), she did not have the problem of me being married as she told me she was very open minded, but from the beginning I explained that I was having problems at hom. She told me that she was in for any type of relationship. After 2 times being in bed she woke up one morning feeling guilty about hurting my wife, even without knowing how close was my separation, that everything went to fast and the affection started to develop so she got scared and has to reassess and needs time for her. She tells me that she loves me, that this last couple of days have been terrible for her and that it has been hard to take this decision but she wants to live with honesty and truth in her life and that she needs to think of her. I wrote an email explaining the exact situation and have wrote other facts to have in mind in her decision and to please think again with all the additional info, and finally she answered explaining this. I do not know what can I do to have a second chance on our relationship, although the relationship is pretty young I feel like she backed up without knowing how close my separation was and also scared of developing emotions too fast. I don´t know what Lauren recommend to me how can I promote a second thought. thanks...
  • bumblebee
     4/15/2014 3:51:52 PM
    Hi Lauren, like everyone on here i could use alittle input as well, Ive been seeing this girl for bout 3 months and to be honest it couldn't be better!! We've talked about everything, and we are for the most part really good about our comunication at talking about our concerns and maybe even insecurties! But all in all a truely amazing women in my eyes. But almost out of no where she pulls away, rarely does she even text, and she doesnt make an effort to call. This has been going on for a good week. she'll still text maybe once or twice a day. She has told me I'm perfect!! That she loves me, but she doesn't show it at all. she said her nerves are shot, that she doesnt know whats wrong, its nothing i said or did. She says I want them all the time that shes not ready for that. She thought she was but isn't. that she has a million things going on and not enough time in a day to please everyone.. I keep my contact to one to two text a day. I've told her that I love her, which i do more than i would have ever thought. I recently told her that I'm not going anywhere, that i am forever hers. also that I know shes got a lot going on and that i know she needs time to focus on herself and her family, that I am here if she needs anything. Im trying very hard to be supportive and give her her space to do what she needs, but at the same point its eating the crap out of me, I dont want to lose her!!! What am i to do, what am i to think? is this just a easy way to push me away, prior to calling it quits?...
  • Lauren Gray
     4/14/2014 6:47:27 PM
    ddillon87, Give her space! In order for her to trust you enough to commit to you for life, she needs to be able to trust that you will give her space to be her own person when she needs it. This is a good thing. This space will actually make her a more loving partner and take out much of the drama and stress your relationship has experienced over the years. This is a critical time and she's made her needs known. It's your job now to meet her needs and give her space. She's only cold because she feels you impeding on the boundary she has set. Stop "needing" so much. It's only going to send her further away from you. Check out this blog to avoid coming across as clingy or needy during this time: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/are-you-too-clingy. Trust that she still loves you even though she doesn't want you around. It's only temporary. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     4/14/2014 6:42:50 PM
    Fell18, If the girl has made it clear that she wants you to pursue and contact her than that's exactly what you should do.
  • ddillon87
     4/13/2014 6:30:12 PM
    Hey Lauren, I am going through this now & it sucks. Me & my fiancé have been together for 5 years. Now she wants her space out the blue. Our relationship has went through our ups & downs it wasn't perfect but I don't understand why? She has told me that she need to focus on herself & she has alot going on. I have been there for her through all the hard times for the last 5 yrs. This is our first time not living with one another also. She is very distant & seem very cold to me at times. We use to be attached to each others hip. Couldnt see one of us without the other. She actually came over last night & spent the night with me, I took her to work the next morning & ate lunch with her on her lunch break. It felt good to see her & talk, but it confuses me because I could tell she still needed her space. Any help, advice, etc? Im losing my mind everyday because I just want to talk to her, I didn't hear from her all day today....
  • feli18
     4/11/2014 2:44:21 AM
    Hi Lauren! I met this girl for month's ago, we had a 1 week relationship and broke up. When i gave her the cold shoulder she tried different strategies to make me come back and lead me on.I ignored her and after 2 month's we got back. Same thing happened again, we broke up. She didn't want to give up on me, i don't know why, but it happens that we started a more serious relationship almost two week's ago. Everything was going fine and very blissfull untill she started acting weird and 'avoiding me'( when i logged in on fb and she was already online, she would go offline, and not cool stuff like this).And now she want's me to reach out on her. In this case what should I do? If it was for me, i would have hit the road already, but looking back, and after 4 month's, I just can't just let go so easy, even if she doesn't do anything to keep me around. ...
  • feli18
     4/11/2014 2:43:00 AM
    Hi Lauren! I met this girl for month's ago, we had a 1 week relationship and broke up. When i gave her the cold shoulder she tried different strategies to make me come back and lead me on.I ignored her and after 2 month's we got back. Same thing happened again, we broke up. She didn't want to give up on me, i don't know why, but it happens that we started a more serious relationship almost two week's ago. Everything was going fine and very blissfull untill she started acting weird and 'avoiding me'( when i logged in on fb and she was already online, she would go offline, and not cool stuff like this).And now she want's me to reach out on her. In this case what should I do? If it was for me, i would have hit the road already, but looking back, and after 4 month's, I just can't just let go so easy, even if she doesn't do anything to keep me around. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     4/10/2014 1:47:08 PM
    TY77, I'm happy to work one-on-one with you to give you some clarity around what's going on and give you a detailed plan of action. Here's the link to my work-with-me page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm. But for some straight up advice, minus the understanding and a detailed plan of action, I'd give her space to come back into balance and just ignore the schizophrenic behavior. Best of luck with getting your Masters!!!
  • TY77
     4/9/2014 9:11:49 PM
    I am in my mid 30's. I recently meet someone 3 weeks ago. I have never hit it off so well with someone before. We talk and discuss so much about ourselves. We have been together almost every night. I work during the day and I am getting my masters at night. Some nights I need to stay home and work on school. On those days she would gets sad. Gets upset that I couldn't see her and begs to see me. I break down and come and see her. Although just spend my time at her place doing homework. Just yesterday she bought me gifts and cooked me dinner and she was just all about me. The next day i could feel her pull away. We went to dinner and she said things were going to fast. She was initiating that. I did contact her a lot but she made it seem like she wanted that attention. We spoke a lot about what was happening but I never really got a straight answer. I almost want to run from this whole thing because I like her so much and after today I feel like I am just setting myself up to get hurt. Does she just need space? Should I be concerned? Just a few days ago she said she was going to marry me someday. I know it wasn't serious being only three days but it also was not said in a joking manor. Very confused right now going from 3 incredible weeks to what happened today....
  • tdc
     3/29/2014 12:44:16 PM
    Hi Lauren, I recently told my girlfriend, who I love very much, that I wasn't sure that I wanted to be married so soon. Here's my situation, my gf and I have been together for several months. I have been going through a divorce and I have kids. She also has a young daughter. The problem is that I love her. You see, I am in a foreign country and she is a local national. My time here will end. I told her that I wasn't sure I wanted to be married so soon after my divorce is final. That is really the only way we can be together, since when I leave we would have to be married for her to immigrate along with her daughter. Not only that, my life will be totally upside down when I return. She has now pulled away and said it is best if we don't see each other. She doesn't want to waste her time with me thinking that she will be more hurt when I leave. We are both now hurting despite that we both love each other. Despite her telling me to leave her alone, she would still text me once in a while and say things like good night or sleep well. I told her just today how much I am hurt (even though I am the one who initiated it) and to please stop texting (even though I want her to) me because it makes me hurt more and I miss her even more. Our relationship had been bliss up until I told her this. I can't help but feel guilty about it. At the same time, I do not want to lose her. What to do?...
  • agent79
     3/26/2014 2:07:33 PM
    Lauren, thank you so much for the quick response and great advice! That she texted me yesterday saying she was "back in LA safe and sound" has to mean something. It seems silly to analyze it, but she initiated contact, which means she was thinking about me. It's entirely possible she created some distance to clear her head and make sure she wasn't jumping into this too soon. I do know she's had her trust betrayed twice in serious relationships, and that could be surfacing a bit. I would hope if her feelings for me have changed she'd make a point to deal with it right away...especially knowing we have plans tomorrow. Anyway, I don't want to overthink it, but it's obviously tough when you don't really know what's going on. Can you tell I like this girl a little?! I'll text her tonight as you suggested :) Thanks again!...
  • agent79
     3/26/2014 1:33:21 PM
    Hi Lauren! I will echo the other comments here and say I was truly fascinated after reading your article. As men we don't often think about women needing their "cave" as well. In keeping with that, I would truly appreciate your perspective on my situation. I've been seeing a girl for 2 months (we're both in our 30's if that helps!), and the last few weeks we've been spending nights with each other, introducing each other to friends, etc. Definitely beyond merely casual dating. The girl went to Mexico (planned before we were dating) with a girlfriend and returned yesterday afternoon. I messaged her to make sure she got into Mexico safely, and she responded as her usual self. I left her alone for a couple days after that on purpose since she was on vacation. Sunday afternoon I sent her a more creative/cute version of "Hi...thinking about you and hoping you're having a great time!" She responded right away, but only with "Thanks :)". No further contact until a brief text when she got home Tuesday afternoon. I responded and didn't hear back. Before she left we made plans for this coming Thursday. She hasn't cancelled or said she wants to talk, but should I be concerned? Something feels "off"...is this her going into her cave?...
  • Lauren Gray
     3/26/2014 1:31:23 PM
    Agent79, totally possible. Shoot her a text tonight that says this: "hey, just checking in to see if we're still on for tomorrow? If you need a little more time to settle in, let me know and we can reschedule. No big deal. I look forward to wrapping my arms around you and giving you a big kiss when I see you." This gives her plenty of space to be wherever she's at and she will truly be grateful.
  • Lauren Gray
     3/17/2014 11:51:02 AM
    Calvin, At first glance, I'd say that if you are willing to continue giving her space and you think she's worth it, do that. She's clearly trying to process the new level of intimacy while also being busy with life. I'm happy to work one-on-one with you to get some more clarity and come up with a plan of action to get a clear answer out of her while also respecting her needs. Here is the link to my work with me page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm
  • Calvin
     3/17/2014 10:28:15 AM
    Hi Lauren, Everything in this article is describing the problem I am having. I followed your advice and sent an e-mail saying everything you said to say and two days later this is what I got "Glad ur having a good week. Mine continues to be a lil crazy.. Thinking the next bit will be the same... Hope all is well with u." Can you interpret this please? We haven't talked in over two weeks now and I'm not sure if this is a blow off or she is just telling me she needs more space. She went from hot to cold literally overnight ( I think I scared her off by asking her to be my girlfriend though, it just slipped out! She also has a lot going on with her children and she just came out of a divorce). Any guidance would be appreciated. She is really awesome and I'm not sure what to do. Thanks...
  • Lauren Gray
     2/12/2014 11:25:19 AM
    Antony55, This sounds like classic girl cave. Give her a few more days and then shoot her a text like this: "Hey. I just found this really cool looking (restaurant/hike/coffee shop). It reminded me of you and I thought we could go some time. Shoot me a text when you think you might be free for that. No rush. I know you've got a lot going on. :-)" This way you respect her space by not asking for anything (she hates saying NO to you) and you have clearly let her know that you are still interested even though she wants to take things slow (the danger in not texting her at all is that she could misunderstand and think you are no longer interested.) Finally, you've given her an easy way to make contact with you again since she can refer to the plan you've suggested and you've ended the text with a smiley face so she knows you're not pouting about her pulling away (this self-assuredness is so attractive!) There you go! Let me know what happens. :-)...
  • antony55
     2/12/2014 11:18:01 AM
    Lauren, I wish I had seen this earlier, great advice. I met this girl and originally she wasn't ready to date because she was coming off an engagement that ended badly. But we stayed friends and eventually she asked me out. We been dating for about a month and half and things were great and going smoothly. We connected instantly and there was definite attraction. She told me that I made her happy and picked her up when she was down, but it scared her at the same time and wants to take things slow. Fast forward to last week, everything was fine, I know she been busy between work, family and friends, but then she started to text and call less and now unexpectedly she has not returned my call/texts in a few days. Has she gone into her cave or should I just give up and let her be? I really like this girl, and I'm trying to give her space, but not sure what is going on? ...
  • Lori_C
     2/7/2014 9:29:11 AM
    "Good grief Lauren, how much cave time does she need?" It has to be getting stale in there :-) Thank you for your previous advice, however, here I am again still hurt and confused. I replied to her text as you advised me to do in your previous reply. I watched your video again and realized the 3 weeks we dated got intense from the first date. It took us both by surprise that we were so attracted instantly and I assume that is why she retreated on me twice. Anyway it has been 11 days since I sent the text and have not received a reply from her. I guess at this point I am wondering if she is STILL in her 'cave' and will she emerge again and reach out to me or has she decided she just can't deal with this intensity right now and just wants to flee. I am utterly confused and care deeply for her (I know she feels the same toward me) and do not want to lose. She is a warm, affectionate, sensitive and yes a very attractive woman who has stolen my heart! Thx Lauren,....SOS.....Lori :)...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/27/2014 3:19:36 PM
    That's awesome Lori! I'm so glad I could help. It's really easy for other people to say "RUN" but ultimately, your intuition needs to drive the bus.
  • Lori_C
     1/27/2014 2:15:17 PM
    Thank You Lauren, I sent the text and agree with you despite my friends telling me to RUN away from her; I simply can't do that she is just to special. I will admit it was hard because I am hurt and a bit stubborn too, but I do care for her so I swallowed my pride and sent her the text. My deep gut intuition was not to give up on this woman. Lauren, you saying her text was "a gift" helped me to realize you are exactly right, I had not thought of it in that way....Lori
  • Lauren Gray
     1/27/2014 1:10:51 PM
    Hi Lori! It's really hard when your partner (male or female) pulls away. I'm also really happy she sent you that text. That was a gift. Often, if you can understand why they're pulling away it's easier because you don't take it personally. A nice text to send back to her (if it's genuine for you) would be: "Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you're in a bit of a funk. I totally understand that you need to take care of yourself right now. Let me know if there's anything I can do. Or just shoot me a text when you're ready to do something fun together. Sending you hugs and chocolate kisses." Or whatever cute and lighthearted sign off you want to give. This text will build trust and give her the kind of support she can receive right now. It also sets it up where you may be the first person she calls when she wants to talk or do something fun because you accept where she's at/don't want to change her. Good luck to you Lori. Again, this isn't easy but when you respect a partner's need to pull away, it can really deepen the connection and trust in a relationship. ...
  • Lori_C
     1/27/2014 10:29:06 AM
    Lauren, amazingly I received this text within 30 minutes of my previous post from her "Lori, I feel lika a bad human, I know i should call, but I can't for some reason. I'm in sort of a funk. I tend to isolate when that happens. I'm sorry to leave you hanging. I have things I need to figure out. My intention is not to hurt you in the process".....I have not responded to her text. I simply do not know what to say. Should I reply and what would be an appropriate response. I do NOT want to lose this woman....
  • Lori_C
     1/27/2014 8:57:58 AM
    Hi Lauren, I know this article is related to more of a male/female issue, however I would sincerely appreciate your advice. I am a gay woman and have been dating a wonderful lady for only about 3 weeks. We have been on 2 dates and text occasionally through the week. From the first date the chemistry and intensity has been off the chart (we have NOT slept together) I have been single now for about a year, however, she has only been single for about 5 months. We both are in the same place that our previous relationships were "over" before the actual split. I have never felt anything like this for a woman before and she feels the same even though we are both in our 40s. OK, now, she has retreated on me twice the first time saying after the first date the intensity she felt overwhelmed her and scared her. We had another date and it was another awesome date. Later in the week in a text I ask her "Would you like to get together this weekend" she text back "lets talk about it tomorrow morning/Saturday." So I called Sat. morning got her VM, left her a short message. That was 3 days ago and she has not returned my call or text me. She is a good, kind and beautiful woman and I know she is crazy for me, on our dates and at her home she can not keep her hands off of me. Simply meaning she is always hugging me holding my hand and yes kissing me. But we definitely do a lot of talking because we are both intelligent women......I just feel like crying and am so confused on what I should do. I have not called her again nor have I text her thinking she is needing space. But my heart is hurting thinking she is going to flee... Your article was great and informative, however, I am a sensitive woman and a bit hurt and confused since I am a woman also. Any advice for me Lauren...thankyou....Lori ...
  • Lauren Gray
     12/12/2013 2:01:33 PM
    That's awesome Lady_Bella! I'm so glad I could help. :-)
  • Lady_Bella
     12/12/2013 10:42:28 AM
    Awesome advice! Now I understand my behaviour in the past - why I looked for all the little faults in him, why everything he did got on my nerves, why I tried to pick little fights with him so he'd back off. He was very needy and I had no idea how to let him understand that I needed space and that I couldn't risk falling into similar dependency.. I love that script - now I know how to recognise my feelings and what I can say!
  • Lauren Gray
     11/19/2013 6:36:58 PM
    Hi Roberto5, Your comment was cut off because the comments is just a place to talk about the blog. If you'd like to get personal one-on-one advice from me I offer premium training with my Email Advice Package. You can check it out here: http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. There's also a lot of great information in the comments stream if you get a chance to look there, you may get your answer. :-)
  • roberto5
     11/18/2013 5:33:10 PM
    i don't think my whole comment was posted if you can and would like to give me some advice i would so much appreciate this i'm losing my mind Lauren over this girl!! robertosantoyo5@gmail.com
  • roberto5
     11/18/2013 5:30:44 PM
    Hey Lauren! i am currently in a relationship and have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and a half and its been a week since we haven't talked. She told me a Saturday night came over and told me that right now she needs time to herself. that she needs to focus on herself without me being there. Of course it was a big SHOCK. It came out of the blue. we have plans for the future plans to go to Mexico over the summer. it's crazy I never expected it because she would tell me don't ever leave me I love you we would talk about kids living together she would even tell me she was excited to live with me! She said she needs this time to see what she wants and who she really is. the scariest part is she told me to do my thing and to do what i love to do and that she doesn't know if shes going to come back... I understand because no one knows what the future is. But that was like a stab in the heart and i'm giving her space and not contacting her and told her if she needs anything if she wants to go out for coffee ANYTHING to please give me a call or text me. at this point i don't know what to do. we talked 2 days after she told me this because that first day when someone tells you that of course you don't understand i begged her not to go that i love her. now that i think about it i shouldn't have done that but what can i say she just told me that out of the blue. and when we talked we were holding hand and went to Michaels and we would give each other kisses hold each other hands and i would tell her i love you and she would say it back as well. When i dropped her off at her apartment after that we hugged for a good 2 minutes and of course we both had tears coming down our eyes and she told me i think everything is going to be ok and i said i sure hope so and i left. i'm confused i know i shouldn't contact her and i'm not i was thinking about a week or maybe a week and a half text her something like ( Hope you have a
  • patty12
     11/18/2013 4:08:34 AM
    Thanks for sharing that Lauren. Ah, now I do feel bad. My mind's been going back and forth these days. Times of learning and growth are not the easiest, are they?! I do care for her, Lauren. A week had gone by since, and I felt to text a message, just saying that there's no need to reply and I hope everything's going well and I was thinking of her. Good idea, not so much? I kind of feel like I'm stumbling along with this. As a guy, there's this urge to make things right, but just letting things take their course is challenging, though I understand the wisdom of it. Would you have any other advice for a guy believing for a second chance?...
  • Lauren Gray
     11/11/2013 4:55:53 PM
    Patty12, I had the same thing happen with a man that I slept with. It was not a difficult time for me but he was texting me often and wanting to hang out. At the time, I had some genuine interest in him but as women need time for their attraction to grow, my interest was still undeveloped. He came on a little too strong for my taste so I asked him to please give me some space: no phone calls, texts, or hang outs for a week. I needed a week break. He agreed but then 3 days into the week, he texted me. I ignored it. He texted me again. At this point, I felt like my boundary was disrespected and that I couldn't trust him to honor my boundaries or our agreements. Everything means something in the beginning of a relationship; everything either builds trust or dissolves it. This dissolved it and what interest I had for him dissolved with it. I tell you this story so that you can understand her side of things and so that you can know that she WAS genuinely interested. It was your actions that caused her to lose interest. Don't feel bad. This is a great learning experience for you that you can apply to future relationships. In the mean time, if you care about her, give her the space she asked for and move on. If it's meant to be, you'll find each other again. But leave that up to her......
  • patty12
     11/10/2013 6:38:43 PM
    Hi Lauren, thanks for your post. I need a little advice on a situation with a friend that is kind of similar to what you were discussing. I've known this woman for a few years, and recently she moved to my city after ending things with her partner of 1 year. We shared some time together and she made it known that she wanted to see me. One thing led to another and we spent the night together. This was followed by another night several nights later. A few days later her ex partner unexpectedly came to see her and she told him that things were definitely over. Over the next couple of weeks, she was more reluctant to meet up, yet was very intimate when we would. We talked, and she said that she had for a moment thought to go back with her ex, but that she doesn't want to. At the same time, she is not ready for something new and needs time. She said she wished this had happened at another time. We agreed to not talk until she works through this period in her life, yet, me being of two minds, wanted to see her and sent a couple of texts and calls, to which she didn't reply. For whatever reason, I was confused as to whether she genuinely wanted time or whether she just wasn't interested. I wanted to have a chat and asked to meet up, but she sent a brusque text saying to stop calling. I didn't appreciate the response and replied as such, saying if she's not interested she could have just said so. She replied, angrily saying I hadn't respected her space and need for time, and that if I want to believe that she is not interested, then she isn't interested. Lauren, I felt bad for my lack of patience, so I apologized and gave my word that I would respect her space. I'm just a bit confused, and would appreciate a fresh perspective on this. I understand it's a wildly confusing time for anyone post-breakup. I'm finding myself having feelings for her, thinking about her, yet I don't know if there is potential for a relatio
  • Nexx Konnect
     11/6/2013 5:06:52 PM
    Damn! I messed up because I showed too much interest and care when my girl suggested spending less time together. I hope this doesn't mean I permanently messed up and have no chance with her again. But then again, I do want someone I CAN show my true colors to. While I know game play and acting and this whole new PUA stuff is a requirement for success these days, I surely hope there is still someone out there I can be 100% real with. Life is a game and we must all play to win, I know, but sometimes I just want to be real. I don't enjoy pretending to feel or not feel things or act uninterested or like I don't want something when I really do. Maybe she's not the one for me....
  • Mark Blasini_71281
     11/6/2013 4:56:17 PM
    Thank you Lauren for this post! I have been through this experience now. It's very painful, but I've definitely grown from it. I think the hardest thing to deal with is not being the person, at least at the time, that she wants to connect with and share her happy feelings. But I guess the best way to help and support her is to give her what she needs - space and love. I think the biggest insight I've learned from the experience is that no one really thinks about designing their relationship so that it deals with these issues. Most people fall in love without thinking months or years down the line, mostly because they feel being in a relationship be natural. I think for guys to avoid having to feel rejected by a woman needing space (this also works for women, too) is that a couple should purposefully schedule in time away from each other. Time where each can reassert their independence and ability to feel enjoy themselves. It's important that each individual also respect this boundary. I think this takes the edge off the whole "needing space" issue, giving men and women an outlet without needing sooo much time away. Just a thought. Anyways, thank you for your post. It definitely helps a lot, and relieves a huge amount of stress. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/30/2013 12:45:55 PM
    Hi Leonard. I think you and your lady friend would really benefit from this video and blog: "How slowing down could speed up your search for true love." Check it out: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/how-slowing-down-could-speed-up-your-search-for-true-love
  • Leonard
     10/29/2013 4:38:36 PM
    Hello Lauren, I was recently got in a deeper relationship with my friend which I'd know for a year. She said to me that she want to take it slow and what happen is I was too excited that it make our relationship seems move to fast. So after a week and she's got bunch of assignment, I was trying to explain myself and feel like I was pressuring her. She suddenly said that she can't keep going with this and I'm speechless and I only said "okay and we're still friend" because I think she's rejecting me. so after a week later, I talk to her and she's seems to care about me more than a friend. And then we spend more time together while I'm still confuse about our relationship and now she's got exam so she need her time again. So I leave her text to wish her good luck on her exam and now I'm still waiting and confuse and the same time. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/12/2013 2:30:23 PM
    Sure Issen, The way I can help you privately is through my email advice package. You can check it out here (just copy and paste into your browser): http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. It would be a pleasure to work with you on this. :-)
  • Issen
     10/11/2013 7:31:47 PM
    Hi Lauren, thank you for the reply, right now I am at the point of my life when nothing seems to make sense to me. I am going to a book store to look for one of the book that this site promote and see if I can find an answer. Meanwhile, is that anyway I can share my story with you in a more private way? Such as private message using this website perhaps? It will mean a lot to me for your advice. Thank a million.
  • Lauren Gray
     10/11/2013 1:43:05 PM
    Hi Issen, I'm so glad this article validated what you and your girlfriend had already discovered. Sometimes that validation and the reminder that everything is okay makes it easier to do the "space" thing. In answer to your question, I think the note is fine. I would just add before it, "No response necessary. Just wanted to wish you luck on your exam. :-)" The no response necessary part releases any pressure she might feel to write you back a "thank you" if she's still not in a place where she wants to connect. In the beginning of my relationship with my partner, "no response necessary" was his solution to me feeling pressured to respond. We in fact shortened it to NRN. And it really works great! :-)...
  • Issen
     10/11/2013 2:38:35 AM
    Hi Laruen, unlike any other articles, this one is actually giving some positive and advantage of having a break. I met the girl of my dream and everything was great until she recently said she wanted some space. As a typical male, I immediately freak out and not know what to do, however in the end, I did come around to the idea of having a time of ourselves for both of us. We are currently still on the break and agreed to see each other after the exam, meanwhile can I send her a little message saying 'good luck for exam?' etc etc etc...
  • Lauren Gray
     9/18/2013 12:19:45 PM
    Hi BuddyLight, I'm so glad you've been enjoying the blog. Thanks for the feedback. Great job respecting her space and being supportive. I'm sure she really appreciates that about you. It's probably that kind of respect for her freedom that is allowing her to open up to you more fully than she has in past relationships. I wouldn't worry too much about her joining your business/industry for two reasons. 1) Because she is making this decision for herself and you need to trust that she knows what she needs best. If she needs alone time, you can trust that she will ask for it. 2) A woman is more likely to need to pull away in the beginning of a relationship as she gets used to someone else sweeping her off her feet. She pulls away to seek balance. After a relationship is more established, she already has a sense of what feel balanced and she trusts that her man will be fine with her request for alone time, she tends not to pull away as often. The beginning of a relationship is a big adjustment for a woman to go from being totally self-sufficient to being able to ask for help/support without depending on it. As the relationship develops, it is easier to balance the two without pulling away as often. Hope this helps! ...
  • BuddyLight
     9/18/2013 10:35:22 AM
    Hi Lauren, I'm really enjoying the posts I've found on the blog - thanks! I could use a little perspective, if you or another reader can help. I'm in the first six months of a great relationship with a woman that I really like. We spend a fair bit of time together and there is lots of affection and daily little bits of communication to help us feel close. She needs her alone time, probably a couple of nights a week, and we've figured that out without much trouble. She just says she needs the time and that's that, I give it to her and we pick up the next day, or sometimes the day after that. I understand how important this is. Especially since she has be very self sufficient her whole like and has admitted problems about opening up - the last thing I want to do is smother or pressure her. Recently we returned from a vacation where we flew out to see her family. It went great. We felt very close. Upon returning there was a natural settling period, as to be expected. But things felt distant, she even said so and said she wanted to get back to how we felt when away - relaxed, light, easy, close. We talked and spent some time together, a bit of time apart, and while when we first meet up after a bit of time it can feel a little anxious to me, that dissipates and things get 'normal'. I've learned the best thing to do is just be steady and supportive. However, here's the catch. She has been looking for a new direction to take her career and we've talked about her joining up with my business, learning some new skills and eventually developing into a professional in the same industry. So this is all fine and great, and feels awesome, but when we add that into the time we spend together, and the way we've talked of the future, and our feeling become stronger and stronger and us even expressing those feelings, I'm now really worried that her throwing her lot in with me will further deprive her ...
  • Lauren Gray
     9/2/2013 7:09:53 PM
    Hi Ajrenk, The beginning of a relationship is a crucial time to build trust. Good job! For the future, the comments are a place to share your experience with the community and get feedback that can serve everyone. If you'd like advice through private channels, you can take advantage of my Email Advice Package. If you'd like to learn more about it, copy and paste this link into your browser: http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. Best to you and to your relationship!!...
  • ajrenk
     8/31/2013 2:45:50 PM
    Hi Lauren, I'm sorry about removing the posts. I was concerned about privacy. We sorta got things back on track over the past month, but she completely went off the radar again this week without any warning. Won't respond to my calls or texts. I sent her a respectful email asking that we sit down so I can get answers so we can both feel good about where we're heading. Hope I hear back from her. Time for more patience I guess!
  • Lauren Gray
     8/3/2013 7:37:48 PM
    Hi Ajrenk, Like I said before, accept her with open arms. Keep it light. Don't complain or act needy. This will turn her off and she'll never be able to trust you again since you couldn't respect her boundary and love her at the same time. (p.s. Why did you delete all your previous comments? I thought they were really brilliant and could help other people going through the same thing.)
  • ajrenk
     8/1/2013 7:44:28 AM
    HI Lauren, my girl is showing signs of coming out of the cave. She asked me to dinner tonight. I've not seen her for a month. I've got some animosity about how she's handled it. Went from loving to stone cold in a weekend. So, my question is how do I react toward her? Should I keep it light or should get into a heavy conversation about what happened. I never got an explanation.
  • Lauren Gray
     7/18/2013 4:21:21 PM
    You made my day. I am so happy for you, your lucky lady and your relationship. What a cool experience!
  • Lauren Gray
     7/16/2013 10:35:10 PM
    Woohoo!! Keep up the good work! I think you might like this blog post: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/as-you-wish
  • Lauren Gray
     7/15/2013 2:52:07 PM
    Ajrenk, I can see how that note shook you up and I'm so so so happy that this post could ease your mind and give you some perspective. You are an amazing partner to honor her request. When she comes back to you, welcome her with open arms. It's so important in a relationship to meet your partner's need for space with love and acceptance instead of judgement. Keep me posted!
  • Lauren Gray
     2/5/2013 2:20:04 PM
    My clue that I need to pull away and have time for myself is that I get irritated by small things that my boyfriend does or I have an excessive neediness for his attention and affection or an extra sensitivity (hurt feelings, insecurity) when I’m not getting exactly what I want from him. This is my cue to leave and do something fun for me: meditating, walking, playing guitar, gardening, baking, hanging with friends and family or playing with my mom’s dog.