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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

Why men cock block your feelings instead of listening.

Lauren Gray

Hi Lauren,
 
I need your help. It seems like every time I try to bring something up about our relationship and express my honest feelings, it turns into a fight. Specifically, I open up, he gets irritated and says “drop it.” I’m not one to be bulldozed over so I keep talking. I should be allowed to express to myself to my own boyfriend. He just keeps saying, “drop it” and eventually leaves the room and slams the door.
 
I’m trying to make this relationship work but I keep running up against a brick wall. How can I get around “drop it” and have the conversation I want to have?
 
-Chelsea
 
Hi Chelsea,
 

Is he the WRONG guy?
 
You absolutely deserve a relationship where you feel free and safe to share your feelings.
 
But the truth is: getting “real” in a relationship can and often brings out the worst in a man. You want to express your feelings and he won’t listen. Instead he gets irritated, says “drop it,” leaves the room, and slams the door.
 
NOT COOL DUDE. Way to cock block my feelings!!!
 
Some people might tell you he’s “the wrong guy.” Some people might tell you to run the other direction and find someone “more mature.”
 
People love giving advice that starts with “you deserve better” and ends with “move on!”

 
Of course that’s easy for THEM to say; they’re not madly in love; it’s not their heart on the line!
 
I say, “You deserve better” and I also say there are tools you can use that will get you what you want with the man you got. Keep reading!
 


Why men say “DROP IT” right when you’re getting warmed up.
 
Have you noticed this? You’re in the perfect beginning of an honest conversation, you’re just gaining momentum, feelings are flowing, and suddenly you hit the 1950’s man-of-the-house, my-way-or-the-highway roadblock: “DROP IT.”
 
And no matter what you say or do, he’s not budging. And while that might work for HIM, it certainly doesn’t work for YOU.
 
But in order to get what you need, we first need to understand WHY men cock block your feelings instead of listening.
 
Men say “drop it” after a certain point in an emotional get-real conversation when a woman starts repeating herself. From his perspective, there is no new information to process so it begins to feel redundant, unnecessary and most of all, blame-y.
 
A woman repeats herself for two reasons:
 
1. She’s expressing emotional thoughts, which are rarely organized or linear. She’s not making a power-point presentation; she’s sharing her feelings and sometimes it loop-da-loos.
 
2. She tries different ways of saying her point because she’s trying to elicit a certain response from him to soothe her upset and make her feel better.
 
Unfortunately, to him, this repetition sounds punishing and unnecessary; he’s obviously not saying the right thing to make your bad feelings go away so he loses patience and wants OUT of the conversation.
 
 
How to make “DROP IT” work for YOU.
 
When a man abruptly ends a conversation with “drop it,” it’s scary. His withdrawal right at the moment you open up and get real with your feelings, feels like a rejection.
 
The thing is, “drop it” is not a rejection. It’s a hold button.
 
WHY? Because…
 
1. His brain can’t absorb anything more that you say in that moment; he’s reached his limit.
 
2. He’s too frustrated and impatient to give you the loving response you’re looking for.
 
3. He’s no longer capable of listening to you without it becoming a big fight.
 
The best move for both of you is to drop it TEMPORARILY and let him pull away to his cave. If you need to, you can come back to the conversation later at a better time.
 
For extra loving credit, when he says, “Drop it,” you can say, “You’re right. I’m repeating myself. I can see you got the message. I appreciate your patience. Knowing that you know what I’m going through really makes a difference. Thank you.”
 
This magic phrase will soothe the sharp edges of his frustration and pave the way for him to come back to you in a loving way after he’s had some time to cool down.
 
 
Why LATER is always BETTER
 
Many people think that delaying a conversation until a later time is just delaying the inevitable fight. Why not push through and deal with it now?
 
Well, if you push, then it inevitably becomes a fight. Taking time to cool off gives you each a new and different perspective. So by pressing the hold button, you create an opportunity for better and more peaceful communication. Once you’ve hit the “drop it” roadblock, later is always better.
 
Of course, it wouldn’t be fair to you to say that this, in itself, is enough to transform your get-real communication. Talking about your feelings with a man can be like walking through a minefield; there are many ways you can unknowingly trigger an explosion…or worse, the next ice age!!!
 
If you want to learn how to get real with your partner and communicate your feelings without triggering a defensive, mean, or cold response, click HERE.
 
With love,


 
 
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read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Lauren Gray
     1/9/2017 12:39:55 PM
    GoldCat78, high five to you for all your great work! Thank you for sharing your experience to inspire others on this journey toward greater love, relationship fulfillment and effective communication. Thoughtful discussions, sharing in a safe environment, confronting your differences with curiosity and compassion are all great for a relationship. But when it gets into a fight, very little can be achieved except saying something you regret, battering your partner with blame, and abusing the trust you feel as allies. I say all this only to validate your post and your heartfelt intentions. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/9/2017 12:34:45 PM
    Hi Guest_79... Aka Mark! While this blog was written in response to a woman's question, the more we can ALL understand each other better, the better our relationships will be so I'm so glad you took the time to explore it. You're right that using phrases like "I feel afraid because ...." are more powerful and effective than simply stating our fears. However, most people don't know how to communicate on that level unless they've worked with a coach or teacher. You say that maybe women don't feel heard because they don't communicate clearly enough to get their point across but as I mentioned in the blog and video - when a woman is sharing her stormy feelings, she's not giving a power point presentation, she's not on her "rational" side, she's on her "feeling" side. Your mistake was thinking that her feeling experience was something rational. By simply listening without judgement or trying to change her experience, she would've moved through her feelings easefully, let go of negative thoughts and returned to happy. ...
  • GoldCat78
     1/9/2017 5:36:12 AM
    As a guy, I thought Lauren's advice was great because I can imagine many circumstances, from my past, when this happened to me. When I was younger, I never realized that a woman has a different purpose for communicating than a man does. This assumption of sameness, leads to much frustration and heartbreak, until we learn that we are different. I remember years ago, when my GF was upset (in general), she seemed (from my subjectivity) to feel that she had a "right" to emotionally abuse me at random. Of course, such a "right" doesn't exist, because that would be ridiculous. As such, my following reaction was predictably bad. It took time to realize that women don't intend this. Today, I realize that women just have a need to talk that men don't have... and that women don't realize how "acid" and "harmful" her talking can feel to a guy, if she isn't very careful with it. ...because, once again, men and women are different. What we "mean to do" isn't always the most relevant thing which we should be paying attention to. After I learned to differently interpret a woman's need to talk about negative things, I can take it much better now (although it's still difficult, if I've had a particularly hard day). I'd suggest to any ladies that Lauren's advice is great, because I definitely have noticed a genuine difference in how men and women perceive such communication, and nothing bad is intended from either side. When I feel that I just "can't take it anymore," it truly isn't a desire to ignore my GF's feelings. I always want to hear her. It's simply that I need her to calm down and come back later, because I don't want to do anything I'll regret. The peace and the bond between us means a lot to me, and it would break my heart if we started fighting. That's all it means. And the more skilled she...
  • Guest_79C8B93E-8
     1/8/2017 10:11:28 AM
    My name is Mark, and though I suspect this one for "for women only" I read to gather as much intel as I can... This blog reminds of a recent situation with a dear (woman) friend. I am usually a pretty listener, and usually I think have a lot of space to listen for and get a woman's emotions and feelings. The upshot of the conversations I had with my friend, is that she felt I was being greatly dismissive. She has been on a road trip, and was feeling a lot of hostility from people in small towns on the way. I think bottom line, she was feeling a LOT of fear, and this is what she was wanting me to get. But she didn't say it that way. She was just saying that these people were "just that way" and left me feeling that she was entering into unnecessary judgmentalism (this was what I know I was trying to avoid giving momentum to, the judgmentalism). I think what I missed, and what she did not articulate (though she is usually pretty articulate) is how scared she was, and vulnerable feeling - though she never said it like that. My point is that, perhaps women do not feel heard because they do not quite say what it is that they want to be heard. Like I was supposed to be able to infer that, and now she is in a lot of resentment because I did not make that inference. She was telling me about things that were happening, she wanted me to get the fear, and her vulnerability, and acknowledge that, hold that for her. So - I hope this provides a little perspective from what happens on a man's side of these interactions. I going to try to bring my insights from your blog back into our relationship, and this currently broken conversation - thank you....


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