The senior Martian managers of a major engineering
department reported to me that they just could not understand why the more
junior women kept complaining that they felt excluded. One manager said,
"It drives me crazy. I tell everyone that I have an open door policy. If
there is a problem just come in and we will talk. That should be enough!! What
else do they want?"
The more I have worked with companies the more I have come to realize that
the gender differences around what constitutes a proper or meaningful invitation
is a significant issue in the workplace. The kind of frustration that Al voiced
is relatively common because, men do not understand that the customs on Venus
require more specific and personal invitations. Women on the other hand completely
misinterpret Martian's more minimal invitational style as well (See
the article Invite yourself).
Lets look at Al's invittion. It's message is: I am open to you coming in if
you have a problem or a concern. Al is completely willing to meet with
anyone. His door is truly open, but the onus for initiation is one the other
person. So what is the complaint of the Venusians. Susan says, "Al has
never invited me personally to talk about my concerns. I do not get the message
that he is really interested in what I have to say. Now that we are talking
about this I vaguely recall him syiing something about an open door policy,
but he said that once months ago. He has never checked in with me since".
I have heard these kinds of comments repeatedly. I was involved at a special
meeting of companies senior executives to begin to look why there were so
few women in senior management. To have more women at the meeting, key women
at the mid-management level were invited to the meeting that was to take place
after lunch. The woman in charge of the meeting ( who was very Martian) did
not think to invite these women to the lunch before the meeting. When this
was discovered several of the invited women felt totally slighted. Although
this was an honest oversight in the context of actually including women, the
net effect was for some of the women to feel excluded.
So, the lesson for the Martian manager who wants to increase rapport and motivation
of Venusians by adjusting his commuication to fit with Venusain customs is
as follows:
1) Instead of a general invitation for anyone any time, make it a specific
invivtation to a specific person at a specific time. On Mars you might say
to a bunch of guys, " I just got a new HDTV I am going to be watch the
Eagles every Sunday, anyone that wants to come over can." This would
be a perfectly reasonable invitation on Mars. A woman would never do it that
way. A woman would ask each of her friends, " Susan, we haven't gotten
together in a long while, I would love you to come over on next Saturday at
4pm. Would that be good with you?."
2) As part of the invitation specifically offer that you want to hear about
accomplishments or difficulties, or personal goals. For instance, "Alexis,
I would like to schedule a meeting with you to get your opinions about the
new procedures that were implemented last month. I want to know how they are
impacting you and your team." Or, "Maria, please come by my office
this afternoon for a few minutes to just tell me how thngs are going for you.
What time would be good for you between two and four?"
3) Remember that the entire point in the Venusian culture is for the inviter
to show proactive interest, motivation and inititiave rather than willingness
to respond to the invitee's action ( Note: in AL's invitation the invitation
is based on the other person showing initiative.) Another way for men to get
their heads around this diffrence is to think about how women give gifts.
Usually, a great deal of effort is spent on the wrapping paper and the bow.
It is important that the wrapping be neat. Martains generally, do not care
that much about the paper. They figure that is going to go right in the trash.
But on Venus, the extra effort is signals the recipient that the giver really
cares. Martians will get much better responses when they wrap their invitations
like Venusians wrap gifts.
