Expert Relationship Advice from John Gray, bestselling author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus."

Before the big meeting Tom is talking with colleague Judy about what he wants to have happen at the meeting.  As he speaks she is nodding her head.  He assumes that she is agreeing with him.  At the meeting, Judy contradicts Tom on several points.  Tom is upset with Judy, because from his perspective she has lied to him.

Kim is trying to explain her ideas for the big project to Alex.  He listens.  He does not say anything.  He does not nod his head at all.  About half way through, she says, ”You obviously are not interested in what I have to say.”  She turns and walks away.  Alex is completely confused about what happened.

Men nod their heads when they agree with you. 

Women nod their heads to say,”
I’m listening…tell me more.”

Men and Women
respond to Stress
Differently

The deadline for the project is fast approaching.  There is too much work and not enough time.  The manager Hank is ensconced in his office.  If any one comes to talk he harshly says, “Leave me alone! I am trying to finish this job!” He thinks, “If only everyone did their job, I would not be so stressed.” Jennifer feels overwhelmed with all of the tasks she is doing. She is completely frustrated that Hank will not spend a few minutes to help direct the project.  If only Hank would come out and talk with everyone and calm the troops.  Although highly competent, she thinks that perhaps this company is not the right place for her since she cannot take the stress.

Under stress Martians go into the “cave”.
They become too focused, more agitated,
and blame others,

Under stress Venusians need to talk.
They become overwhelmed, need more
reassurance and doubt themselves.

A promising high tech company was preparing to go public. They needed a known name to inspire confidence in the management. The board favored Richard to become president of the company. He had started, developed, and sold a similar company with a personal profit to him of one hundred million dollars. On Mars, and to the men on the board, his credentials alone made him best for the job.

The company was based on a product line developed by a woman scientist, Linda, who was the CEO. It was her company.  The male members of the board were totally impressed by his interview, but Linda would have nothing to do with him. During his interview, she told him how their company was different and that they had many unique challenges. Richard responded to her sentences with confident comments like, “I understand that. We can do this ...." He had complete confidence and a resume to back it up. For every concern she expressed, he had an answer. After fifteen minutes of his solutions, a wall went up inside her. She rejected him for the job.  All of the men and Richard were baffled.

Clarity, confidence and focus on solutions are impressive to men, but frustrating to women.

Listening and Acknowledging are impressive to women, but wearisome to men.

Men and women
have different
primary needs.

Sandy has to make a big presentation to upper management.  It could be a big opportunity for her.  She is anxious.  Tom says to her, “You worry too much.  It will be fine!”  She replies without enthusiasm, “Thanks.”  He walks away thinking that she is not much of team player.  She walks away thinking that Tom is unsupportive. 

John is busy trying to fix the copier machine.  He is muttering under his breath. Alice walks by and notices John struggling.  She asks, “Do you need some help?”   He says briskly, “ No I can handle it.”  She replies,  “Well those things are really difficult.  Are you sure you do not want me to call the copier people?”.  He says gruffly, ” I said I got it!”  She walks away thinking he is a jerk.  He is annoyed with her because she thinks he’s incompetent.

Men Respond to Encouragement. 

Women Respond to Reassurance.