If
you've read the title of this article and you are open to reading more,
you've already conquered the first problem that men sometimes have.
The first problem is admitting that there might be a problemin commucating
where some of the accountability is in the man.
The dominant culture of work is Martian. The influx of women into the workplace
is still a relatively recent phenomenon. Since the work culture is Martian,
Martians tend to think that Venusians need to learn Martian customs.
Furthermore, there is the propensity to believe that Martians are not responsible
for the inevitable problems of miscommunication between men and women. Actually
many Martians do not even realize that there is a problem related to gender
differences. It is also correct that women do need to learn some of the
customs on Mars.
Nevertheless, the wise Martian who is interested in learning leadership
skills, comes to recognize that he can increase his personal effectiveness,
the effectiveness of his team and company by learning the needs and communication
styles of Venusians.
Before we get into the meat of the matter we must make a few distinctions
between Men and Martians as well as Women and Venusians. Men and women each
have Martian and Venusian sides. Martian refers to masculine energies. In
terms of Eastern ideas it is the Yang of Yin and Yang. Venusian refers to
feminine energies, the yin side of the equation.
When you read this article, you will be thinking of various women at work.
In the work world, many women have learned how to develop their Martian
side. The ideas presented here will not appear to fit as well with a woman
who has developed a strong Martian side.
The ideas being suggested here will appear to apply better to women who
are still on their Venusian side. Furthermore, the ideas being presented
here will also work well in certain situations with Martians. This is particularly
true with the skill of listening. The deeper message of this article is
that he who has the most flexibility and understanding in communicating
will be the most successful. As a reader your job is to think about how
to apply some of these ideas to solve specific difficult situations in your
work life
The 5 errors are:
Error #1) Thinking that there are no gender communication problems or that
if there are any it is not the responsibility of men to help solve
the problem
Error #2) Not knowing how to listen to a Venusian.
Error #3) Focusing too much time and placing too much value on tasks and
not enough on relationships.
Error #4) Assuming and expecting that if a woman is unhappy about something
at work she will come to you without being asked.
Error #5) Assuming and expecting that, like a man, a woman will advertise
her own accomplishments. And, if she does not proclaim her own deeds then
she did not really do much.
Error #1) Thinking that there are no gender communication problems or that
if there are any it is not the responsibility of men to help solve the problem.
I have already pointed out that if you are suffering from this problem,
you probably have not even gotten to this point in the article. If you have
gotten to this point and you are basically hostile to the idea, you probably
do have some of this problem. So let me speak in a strong Martian dialect.
This mistake is going to cost you or your company big time. There are certain
large companies in the United States that are in major lawsuits about gender
diversity issues. It is costing them MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. Acknowledge the
problem. Deal with the problem. You and your company will be more successful.
Error #2) Not knowing how to listen to a Venusian.
The single biggest mistake that men make in work and in their personal relationships
is the failure to listen well and gain rapport without solving problem right
away. Let me say this again:
The single biggest mistake that men make in work and in their personal relationships
is the failure to listen well and gain rapport without solving problem right
away.
Two of the great leadership skills are knowing how to motivate people and
teaching people how to solve their own problems. Learning how to listen
is one of the key skill sets of all great leaders. Listening works with
both men and women. When people feel heard and understood all types of previously
closed possibilities open up.
The big mistake that a Martian makes in dealing with a Venusian is that
he will listen for a few moments to the problem being described and immediately
jump into giving solutions. This can be in terms of internal problems or
even making a sale.
The more you interrupt and solve problems without letting a Venusian finish
describing the problem the more you will be adding to her stress rather
than reducing it. By listening without interrupting and without solving
any problems a Martian will be scoring valuable points with a colleague,
staff member or customer.
In situations of stress in the office, when a Venusian is complaining, most
times she simply wants to feel heard and validated. Simply saying, "You
are right this a really tough deadline" is gold to a Venusian under
stress. You don't have to do anything else.
She will perceive you as supportive and helpful. Another important point
to learn is that Venusians generally do not tell you the most important
issue first. So even if you solve the first two problems you will not find
out about the deeper more important issue.
Ask a few short questions that elicit more information about the types of
concerns that the person has. These can be as simple as: "What other
concerns do you have? Or, are there other things in the office that are
getting in your way?"
Even if a woman is upset and asking you to do something, before you go ahead
and respond to the doing end of things, you and she will be a lot happier
in the end if you make a statement such as, "Before we decide to do
something, I think we should talk more about what is bothering you so that
I can really understand." Then you listen more.
There are few guarantees in life. You are guaranteed to win more by listening
more. This even applies to sales. Refrain from immediately telling a prospective
customer how well your product will solve her problem. Ask her about her
problems. Listen to her concerns. Demonstrate that you understand those
concerns.
Only after you've done all of this do you say how your product will solve
the problem. (The bigger the ticket price the more likely the customer will
be on their Venusian side, male or female.)
Error #3) Focusing too much time and placing too much value on tasks and
not enough on relationships.
This particular Martian error is more prevalent in the high-speed fast paced
American world than in the orient. Anyone who does business in the Orient
knows that there is a cultural difference along these lines.
The same issue applies to the cultures of Mars and Venus. Building and managing
relationships are becoming more and more important in the work world. Managers
who are leaders understand this. Taking time to listen (correction of error
2) about relationship concerns is a key way to keep Venusians motivated.
The current concern of balancing work-life issues is another iteration of
the Mars (masculine/Yang) Venus (feminine/Yin) dichotomy. Even if a man
does not complain about long hours, his wife and family will complain.
Companies need to help Martians give enough attention to the relationships
in their lives. If they do not, both the company and the Martian will lose
out (not to mention the family). Sooner or later that man is going to be
a less motivated employee. He certainly is going to perform more poorly
as his family life falls apart.
Another Variation
Another variation other than listening is to comment or do something that
is not task oriented. If a woman comments about her sick child on Monday,
it is a good thing to ask how little Daniel is doing on Tuesday. The main
problem for some Martians is that they will think that the time spent on
listening or maintaining a good relationship could be better spent focusing
on the task at hand.
While, you cannot focus on relationship to the exclusion of getting the
job done, it is not a zero sum game. By consistently spending small amounts
of time on the relationship productivity goes up.
Error #4) Assuming and expecting that if a woman is unhappy about something
at work she will come to you without being asked.
The culture on Mars is that if you have a problem or issue or need you either
take care of it yourself or you decide to ask for help. The culture on Venus
is that you take responsibility for making sure that others are OK, with
the expectation that they will do the same for you. On Venus, if someone
in your team does not take the time to make sure that you are doing well,
this is taken as a sign of lack of caring and concern.
On Mars it just the opposite. It would be taken as a sign of lack of trust
and disrespect if a team member checked up too much on another person. A
Venusian will wait to tell her colleague or boss that something is a problem
or that she is unhappy, until she is asked, "How are things going?
Are there any problems? Can I help you with something?"
Until that happens she will either just keep on working, until she gets
sick or decides to leave. Or she may make some minimal hints that something
is wrong that most Martians will not even notice.
To make matters worse, even if asked if there is something wrong, a Venusian
under stress will sometimes not say much about what is bothering her. She
expects that if you really want to know you will pick up on the minimal
things and keep asking her questions and draw her out.
A Martian boss hears that there is nothing wrong, and thinks that this is
great and then goes about his business". If it is a small thing he
hears, he offers a quick solution and then goes about his business.
The Venusian comes to believe that she cannot really say what is on her
mind. Over time her motivation and productivity will diminish. One of the
ironies is that a woman who is trying to fit in to the Martian way of being
will be the one who tries to say that nothing is bothering her.
After all, that is what men do. She does not want to be perceived as needy
or whiny. The problem is that for many women this backfires. After a period
of time the pressure builds up and then some small thing happens and they
explode with all this feeling and angst.
The Martian response to this is exactly what she fears.
Three Steps
So, there are three steps that a manager or colleague can do to help in
reducing the stress of a Venusian and increase productivity.
First, make a clear statement such as this, "Mary I want to know if
you have problems or concerns that prevent you from doing your job well.
From time to time, I will be checking in with you about this. Of course,
if something is bothering you before I check in with you please come and
tell me."
Second, do what you said you were going to do. You can ask Mary what would
be a good frequency for checking in, once a week or once a month. If there
is an intense job the frequency could be once or twice a day.
Third, when you do ask how things are going, make sure you do it in a way
that is not rushed. Use the listening skills described above.
Error #5) Assuming and expecting that like a man, a woman will underline
her own accomplishments, and if she does not proclaim her own deeds then
she did not really do much.
At a talk I recently gave, a woman in the audience came up afterwards and
thanked me for helping her understand something that drove her crazy. She
was a partner with her husband.
She would refer to clients as "our clients". On Venus everything
is shared. He would refer to them as "My clients". On Mars accomplishments
are perceived as done by the individual. She tended to feel slighted and
undervalued. So one obvious thing to do to improve morale is to make sure
that credit is shared with the Venusians involved.
In work a woman assumes that her male boss or colleagues will notice the
details of the things she has done. So there is no point in bragging. The
problem is that if a woman does ten things to make the office function better,
her boss is not likely to notice this, precisely because there was no problem.
He assumes that she would tell him about all the things that she did to
improve productivity, because that is what he would do. He will tend to
undervalue her accomplishments if she does not tell him about those accomplishments.
Over time, she will be less motivated to excel at work. There can be increased
tension and bickering rather than cooperation.
In order to rectify this situation a man can do the following. A) He can
make a commitment to pay attention to the things that Venusians do around
the office. B) He can ask the Venusian to make a list of her accomplishments
for the day, week or month so he can realize what she is doing.
The best thing about this plan is that it also encourages the Venusian to
develop her skills of owning what she is doing.
Conclusion
Not every idea here will apply to everyone. Pay attention to the gender
communication styles in your office. You will discover, which of these ideas
apply to you and your colleagues and staff.
Take one week and work on even one of the issues in a concentrated manner.
You will discover for yourself that your effectiveness as a communicator
and as a manager or leader will increase.
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