I had just finished giving a talk when
Marsha, a sharply dressed woman in her late 30's, came up to me and asked," You
really mean that for the last 2 years the only reason I rarely go out with
the other male manager's is because I did not invite myself? It wasn't that
they have an old boys club?"
One of the simplist, yet most elusive understandings that women need to learn
regarding men at work is that they do not offer invitations. On Mars, men
invite themselves to the party. Studies have shown that men are much more
likely than women to spend energy on managing up (having lunch or coffee with
the boss).
A Martian has no trouble simply inviting himself to the party. That is why
he has a much greater tendency to manage up. On Venus inviting yourself over
without a proper invitation would be considered rude and intrusive. Not on
Mars. Think about your personal life. I'll bet that more than once your signficant
other has suggested just dropping in on someone and you have resisted the
idea.
The other aspect to this situation is that since men assume that a person will
initiate his own invitations they are much less likely to actually offer an
invitation to someone. If they do offer an invitation it is usually very open
ended and unspecific. For instance, a Martian will say, "We need to get
together for lunch sometime". That's it. It's now up to you to call and
say, "Let's go today". This type of behavior is almost unheard of
on Venus. On venus an invitation only counts if it is specifc and personal.
The invitation must be intitiated and followed through on by the person inviting.
This is why Marsha wrongly concluded that the men did not like her that much.
I had to ask Marsha a few questions. Two years ago she was promoted to a vice
presidential position at a financial institution. SInce that time she rarely
ate lunch with four or five of the other men at her level. She had attibuted
this to the old boy's club phenomena. She had decided that she was just going
to work harder until she was noticed and appreciated. As it turned out, her
office was somewhat isolated at the other end of the building so she could
not easily walk out of her door and just meet the other people. It was a 5
minute hike.
We discovered that she was rarely available around lunch time when the men
would simply look around and see who was available. I suggested that she either
simply be around their offices at noon or call someone and invite herself.
She agreed she would try this even though it was uncomfortable. Several weeks
later she reported that, it was almost like magic. There was no resistance.
The men had actually thought that she was not that interested in joining them!!
So the simple rule is: Do not wait for a "proper invitation" (It's
not coming!). SImply invite yourself. This rule applies to most situations
(although not all). It certainly applies to talking more with your direct manager.
Schedule a meeting and talk about an idea you have to improve performance.
If you want a promotion invite yourself to a meeting and say that you want
to get a promotion, and ask what you need to do to make that happen.
Finally, do not get angry or resentful for the lack of an invitation. Its just
not part of the Martian culture. (You can get them to read the article
on the need to invite women more.) . If you want to play in the golf outing
and no one has asked you, just find the person in charge of it and tell them
in an assured manner that you would like to participate. More likely than
not, there won't be a problem. If the director of marketing or research or
IT is sitting at the lunch table and there is an empty seat, ask if you can
join him or her. It does help to make the most out of this type of situation
if you have something relevant to say. So if there is someone you want to
meet, make sure that you know something about their latest projects. This
way when that chair at lunch is open you can sit down and make a favorable
impression.
We would love to hear from you about this issue.
What have you had to deal with? How have you suceeded in inviting yourself
to the party? Success stories can also encourage other women to give it a try.
(Tell us and we will put them up on the site.)
