Every meaningful relationship has disagreements.

It is usually the wrong response or reaction from one or both people that causes a disagreement to escalate to a worse fight. 


I have made a list of the 8 most common mistakes men and women make in an argument. 

Let's start with the men...


8 mistakes MEN make in an argument


1. Aggressive tone or loud voice
Men can care so much about being right that they don't realize that they often sound threatening and overwhelming.


2. Condescending comments
Phrases like, "Don't worry about it." or "It's not a big deal." are big mistakes because it does not acknowledge her feelings.


3. Interrupting her with arguments that invalidate her feelings or correct her observations
A typical comment would be "You shouldn't feel that way." Instead of taking time to reflect and saying something like, "I understand you think that..."


4. Expressing frustration with the pace of the argument
This is when a man will say in frustration, "Why do we have to go over this again and again." A better approach is for a man to say, "I have to take a time out so I can better absorb what it is you are saying."


5. Offering solutions rather than asking more questions
This goes back to everything I teach men. It is such a common pattern for men: rather than listening, they offer solutions. He might think he is being helpful, but to her, he is simply being dismissive.


6. Having to get in the final word
Whatever she says, her man comes back with, "So once again everything has to be your way, everything you want is such a big deal." Statements like these often stem from a male's sense of frustration that his partner has more accomplished verbal skills. Getting in the final word is simply taking a verbal swipe that says, "I refuse to let you think that you have won this argument."


7. Tit for tat
When she complains, you raise her complaint with more complaints of your own. Chalk it up to a man's competitive nature, but in truth, it's no way to make peace and move beyond your argument.


8. Giving in to what she wants, but with the message that you are doing so even though she is being unreasonable
This is no way to make peace. All this approach will accomplish is to set both of you up for future fights. 


Women are just as guilty at escalating arguments as men are.


8 mistakes women make in an argument


1. Raising your voice with emotion
Try to resist the temptation of being accusing, mocking, or sarcastic.


2. Using rhetorical questions
Avoid asking questions like, "How could you say something like that?" Try to express what you do like and accept. For example, "I understand and agree with that, but..."


3. Making generalized complaints 
Saying things like "We never spend time together." or "You're not doing the things that you said you would do." are not specific enough for men. In general men do not respond to the abstract as well as the specific. Give examples of what he has done if you want to be heard. Give direction with such comments as, "Let's plan a date to go out this week."


4. Expecting him to respond like a woman instead of a man.
Try not to say things like "Why can't you speak from your heart?" or, "You're not opening up to me."  Try to say things like, "I understand that it is difficult for you to open up about this," or, "I know you want to solve the problem, but right now I just need you to hear me."


5. Bringing up old issues
Don't muddy the waters with past arguments and points of disagreement. Stay with the issue you are dealing with at the moment otherwise you run the risk of having your partner turning off his hearing all together.


6. Comparing him to another man or how he acted in the past
Never compare him to another man unless you want the fight to escalate quickly. Even more confusing for him are comments like, "You used to be so much more affectionate." Instead make a positive statement and give him a model of behavior you want him to follow. For example, "I love it when you...."


7. Expecting him to make you feel good
Women need to take the responsibility to feel good on their own, especially after a fight or argument. Do not say things like, "Well that doesn't make me feel any better." Try instead to say, "I think I'll take some time for myself and go play some tennis, or do some shopping, or take a walk."


8. Controlling the conversation.
These are the times when your mate feels like he is facing a tsunami of issues without having a chance to stand up and explain things from his perspective. You're never going to come to a satisfactory conclusion in any argument until both sides feel they have had a chance to express themselves.


So what is a reasonable way to argue with your partner?

There is too much to include in a blog post unfortunately.

Check out my book, Why Mars and Venus Collide to find out how you can disagree with understanding, respect and love for your partner.

Dear John,

Why do guys want to kiss on the first date?

When I ask the guys, they tell me they want to know if we have chemistry.

I would rather have the first kiss come naturally.

Is that wrong?

Thanks!

Lindsay


Thanks for your question, LIndsay.

This is an area where men and women often show their differences.

If a man wants to kiss you, then he is already feeling chemistry. A man is usually attracted to a woman’s physical appearance first. And it often takes physical intimacy, like a kiss, for him to be open up and become mentally attracted to her.

Most men need to feel physical chemistry before moving on to mental chemistry.

But most women need to feel mental chemistry – and emotional chemistry - before moving on to physical chemistry.

She may feel a physical attraction slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often, it happens when he gives her a kiss. That one little gesture of affection can suddenly make it clear to her that he is more special.

Many of the traditional dating rituals between men and women are really just opportunities for a woman to assess her feelings for a man.

When a man asks her out, plans a date, compliments her, or even give her a kiss, it allows her gradually to experience different levels of chemistry.

The is the dance of dating.


How To Say No To A Kiss

When a woman is attracted to a man but doesn’t want to be physically intimate with him yet, the best approach to be clear and definite.

Being vague doesn’t work.

If he leans in to give a kiss, she can turn her cheek to receive the kiss and then tell him, “I'm not ready but I want to see you again.”

Just as a man needs to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries, a woman also needs to consider the messages she is giving.

When a woman says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should wait,” many men think it is ok to keep advancing until they get a clear no.

However when a woman says no or stops a man from giving her a kiss, it can be misinterpreted as “I am not interested and will never be.”

If she means, “Don’t do that again tonight,” then she needs to say that with words.

If he doesn’t respect that first no, then she needs to immediately get up and leave.

She can be polite and clear about setting that boundary by saying, “I really like you, but I am not ready for this much now.” Then she should leave the room, or at least move away from him.


How To Move Slow

Some women are closed to the process of dating because they feel under pressure to be fully sexual before they are ready.

Men expect sex because it seems as if everyone else is getting it. It is everywhere in our media and society. And there are many women who freely give it.

Other women don’t realize that there are alternatives.

When a woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being receptive and becomes accommodating. Instead of allowing a man to please her, she tries to please him.

This compromises her position because if she is not open at all, a man may become frustrated as well.

There is a middle ground here.

The anticipation of more is what keeps a man interested and attracted to a woman.

So when a woman gracefully establishes her limits and stands up for what feels right to her, she actually remains most attractive to him. This also gives her time to become more mentally and emotional intimate with him.

In fact, the more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.

My book, Mars and Venus On A Date, can help develop your ability to navigate the dating world to experience true and lasting love.

The pain of breaking up a romantic relationship is strongest when it comes as a surprise.

One day, you think everything is fine, and the next day you are blindsided by a breakup talk.

It is hard for some people to recognize the warning signs that a relationship is having trouble. I have been teaching them for as long as I have been giving relationship advice. I wrote about them in my first book, What You Feel, You Can Heal.

I call them the Four Rs and they usually progress in a particular order as a relationship progresses. First there can be feelings of resistance. Then feelings of resentment may build. Next follows different forms of rejection. Finally, it reaches the final phase of an empty relationship, repression.

Let’s take a closer look at each of the four Rs:


Resistance

There is resistance in any normal human relationship. Opposites attract.

Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You may have pointed some of these things out to them in the past and thought they would change, but they haven’t.

This can lead you to start criticizing them in your mind, and telling yourself that you “don’t like this.” You may also notice yourself pulling away a little bit.

There are two ways to handle resistance. Many people handle resistance by ignoring it and pretending it’s not there.

The best way to approach resistance is to talk to your partner using good communication. Tell your partner what is bothering you and ask your partner to stop doing it.

If your partner can’t change, try to understand and accept your partner to change your feelings. Or change your partner!

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, and you choose to remain in the relationship, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.


Resentment

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance and usually accompanied with anger and tension. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of resentment.

You may notice you are keeping score in your head. “I do this and this and this for him and he doesn’t do anything for me.” You may also be getting angry over the smallest of things and blowing them out of proportion.

When you keep score in a relationship and think you can give more to get more, you will actually receive less and feel even more resentment.

You are responsible for stopping the resentment you hold towards your partner. You either need to talk to your partner or find forgiveness and understanding and learn to let it go. Or let your partner go!

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.


Rejection

Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away.

You may just say 'I don't want to discuss this anymore'. You may leave the room, storm out of the house, or just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person.

You are turned off emotionally and sexually.

You may still love your partner, but you are no longer attracted to your partner. You may feel disgusted at the thought of sex, or simply have no interest in sex anymore.

The signs of rejection are:
 - Avoiding your partner
 - Disagreeing with your partner about everything
 - Fantasizing about other people
 - Acting on feelings and having affairs

Rejection is usually the stage when most long-term relationship end and most marriages lead to divorce.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of rejection and resolve them with your partner, then your feelings turn to, Repression.


Repression

Repression happens when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to simply keep the peace in the relationship.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four Rs because it is a state of emotional numbness.

You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable in the relationship. This numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring - it isn't painful, but it isn't joyful either. You may feel physically tired much of the time and definitely feelings of depression.

Every time you suppress the complete truth and repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

The good news is you can reverse these feelings no matter what stage you are in.


Grab a copy of my book, What You Feel, You Can Heal to better understand these four warning signs before they ruin your relationship and you get blindsided by a breakup.

Affairs are painful. They can feel like terrible betrayals.

Affairs shatter the romantic myth that if someone loves me, I am the only person they could ever want.

This is true and beautiful, but it is also an illusion.

Some people have experienced infidelity in their own intimate relationships. Some people are the children of parents who had affairs. Some people have siblings who strayed in their relationships. Almost everyone knows a friend who has either cheated on a partner or been cheated on by a partner in a relationship.

Cheating often exposes bigger relationship issues that are being ignored.

The most important thing to remember is if your partner cheats on you, it does not mean that he or she does not love you.

Should an affair cause the end of a relationship?

Should an affair cause the end of a marriage?

Should an affair cause the end of a family?

Not in most situations, especially if the guilty partner has apologized, admitted it was a mistake, and promised to never do it again.

It’s terrible to see your partner choose someone else instead of you. That doesn’t mean your relationship doesn’t hold value and merit. This is especially true in a long-term relationship. It’s unfair to ignore the time you spent together, the children you raised, the homes you have built together, and the communities you share.

Infidelity is hurtful and lonely but it doesn’t equate to failure.

If the love is still there, you can make it work.



What To Do If Your Partner Cheats

You have two choices: grow or go. Either you stay with your partner nad begin to work on the relationship or you decide to leave and work on another relationship with someone else. 

There are three steps you should take if you have been cheated on by your partner in your relationship to help you determine what to do.


STEP ONE: WHAT?!

As in, “What the ??!!”.

Most people freak out – and rightfully so - when they find out their partner has cheated on them. Depending on the relationship, it can feel like a crisis as urgent questions come into play right away:

Where do I sleep tonight?

Do I need to be tested?

Is anyone at risk?

Is our reputation at risk?

The intensity of emotions that initially arise can feel overwhelming. Two people have lost a sense of their identity and their future, at least as they had imagined it.

If the relationship is going to continue, it’s important to ask questions and listen to your partner during this time. It’s also important for the person who has had the affair to show remorse and to express guilt – if the relationship is going to continue.


STEP TWO: WHY?

This is the stage where you are trying to make sense of it all. You ask yourself:

Why did this happen?

What role did we each play in the infidelity?

What did the affair mean?

Is there something we can learn from this?

After listening to your partner explain why they had the affair, take some time away from your partner.

It can help to talk to someone you trust, preferably a therapist who can help you uncover why the affair happened and determine your next decision.

You may experience a wide range of contradictory emotions with your partner. One minute, it is hold me, the next minute, it’s get away from me. One minute it’s f*#k you, the next minute, it’s f*#k me.

Sometimes, couples have intense, passionate sex, and they don’t understand why. The affair triggers some sexual awakening in their own relationship.

Many couples find that they have surprisingly healing conversations with one another, with a level of honesty they haven’t had in years.


STEP THREE: WHERE?

As in, “Where do we go from here?”

This is the time to determine if you want to continue the relationship and work on growing together.

There is such potential to change the relationship in a way that is better for both partners. This is the time to establish better communication for a stronger relationship. Both people should say, “Going forward, I’m going to need different things from you.”

It will take time to rebuild the trust that is lost with an affair. One of the ways for people who have had affairs to rebuild trust is to show their partners that they matter and that they value them. Show them that you honor them, that you want to be with them, and help them reclaim their sense of value.

Another thing to help rebuild your relationship is to experience new things together. Take a trip to a new place. Do something adventurous together. Plan a random day for a spontaneous sex date.


Avoiding Affairs

Unfortunately it often takes an affair to shake couples out of complacency to save their marriages and relationships.

We take our partners for granted. We become lazy. We become complacent. We lose the connection and we pretend our partners are going to be there no matter what.

Relationships need daily care to keep the passion alive. Many couples don’t have real conversations about desire, attraction, sex, and monogamy until after an affair.

Look at the intensity of affairs: the imagination, the creativity, the attention, the focus that goes into them. If couples could bring that into their marriages, they would be doing a lot better and may not think of going outside the relationship.

My book, Beyond Mars and Venus, helps couples create more passionate, inspired and sex-filled relationships so neither partner feels the need to look for someone else.

The best relationships take good communication, patience and trust. But you are rewarded with an intense intimacy and Soul Mate connection that cannot only be felt with that partner.


CLICK HERE to get Beyond Mars and Venus at Amazon.com.


If you buy it, I will give you my Secrets to Great Sex audio series for free!
Click here for this special offer.

Telling The Truth In Relationships

So many couples ask me how they can bring back the passion to their relationship.

It’s never an easy answer.

I have counseled couples for months before they have been able to restore the passion and the deep love to their relationship.

Transformation depends on the willingness to change.

If they want to make it work, they can make it work.

Sometimes even when one partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship but the other partner does, after I help the willing partner, the changes that are made can encourage the unwilling partner to work on the relationship too.

Besides couples counseling and therapy , there is no more powerful way to work on your relationship than by going to a relationship seminar or by taking a class on relationships and communication.

The truth is…

You can put a spark in your relationship just by taking a class. Start to learn Italian. Take a painting class. Sign up for a computer class.

Learning something new changes you. It makes you different. It makes your relationships different. This can bring a spark back to your relationship.

My Secrets to Successful Relationships Audio Series is perfect for this.

Painting and creating art can help give you a new perspective on life and love. Computer programming can help you learn to solve problems using new methods.

Maybe that Italian class will lead to a trip to Italy with your partner. (I can’t think of anything better to bring the passion back to a relationship than a trip to Italy!)

The best way to put a spark in your relationship is to put a spark in you.

Do something you love and you will have more love to give.

Watch my video to find out:
- The four ways to create passion in any relationship
- The correct way to ask for support
- The secret to keeping passion alive for a lifetime

Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change: Dating is awkward.

Although dating can be confusing, painful and full of challenges, the greatest reward is finding a Soul Mate.

So how do you find a Soul Mate?

The first thing you should do when looking for love is stop looking for it.

Huh?

I know that sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. You should focus on yourself first. Love yourself first. Prepare yourself so you are ready when your Soul Mate shows up for you.

How do you know when someone is right for you?

Moving through my Five Stages of Dating gives you the power to “just know” when the right person enters your life. The Five Stages also give you the understanding to “just know” when you are with the wrong person.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is the right one for you. It takes times and a journey through the Five Stages of Dating to recognize your true life partner. Soul Mates are never perfect. But when your heart is open and you know them, they are perfect for you.

So what are the Five Stages of Dating?

Basically, there are five stages of dating that couples go through to grow into a more serious relationship. It helps to have a strong understanding of each stage so you can better navigate the dating world and find the right partner for you. 

I will explain the five stages now but my book, Mars and Venus On A Date, goes far deeper into explaining them with real examples and strategies for navigatig the dating scene.



Stage One: Attraction

The secret to the Attraction Stage is staying true to who you are, while still expressing your best and most positive self. This can be a challenge for both men and women because we forget how our language and behavior may be misinterpreted.


Tips for Women

A common misunderstanding women have of men is that they should communicate like women.

Many women make the mistake of assuming that the more a woman listens to a man with great interest, the more he will be interested in listening to her. Unfortunately, the more a man talks, the more he becomes interested in what he is talking about – and stops thinking about her.

In order for a man to be interested in a woman, she should do more of the talking and share herself in a positive manner. She should also avoid dwelling on negative feelings or problems in her life because he may assume she is difficult to please.

Talking too much and putting it all out there right away can feel like too much information to a man and turn him off.


Tips for Men

In order a woman to be interested in a man, he should do something to make her feel special. This could simply be when he notices her, he initiates eye contact, and gives her a sincere compliment.

When he offers these gestures without expecting anything else other than the pleasure of getting to know her, he becomes more attractive.

A woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her. So, he should also take the time to ask questions, listen and get to know her more than talking about himself and offering advice.

He could try some open questions like:
What do you like to do for fun?
Tell me about your work.
Tell me about your family.


The Challenge

The challenge during the first stage of dating is to make sure you get the opportunity to express your attraction and get to know a potential partner. The man should chase and the girl should let him.



Stage Two: Uncertainty

Just as the first stage of dating is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people, the second stage is the time to focus on one person and give that relationship a chance to grow.

Men and women experience uncertainty differently. While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.


Uncertainty for Him

When a man is uncertain, he tends to question whether he wants to pursue the relationship or keep pursuing other women. He may really like her but he questions whether she can give him what he wants.

When a man is uncertain, he should ask himself:
Could I be the right man for her?
Do I care for her?
Do I want to make her happy?
Do I miss her when we are apart?

If a man doesn’t understand that uncertainty is part of the dating process, he can get stuck in a cycle of serial relationships.


Uncertainty for Her

When a woman is uncertain she tends to focus on where the relationship is going. She often senses the man pulling away and worries if she did something wrong or if he is with someone else.

When a man comes on strong in Stage One and then pulls back in Stage Two, a woman sometimes feels like chasing him or giving him more. This can sabotage the relationship.

As she is looking for his reassurance, she often makes one of two common mistakes:
1. She asks him where the relationship is going.
2. She tries to win him over by being too pushy or giving up herself.

Both of these approaches can push him away or prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right man for her. Instead of letting him continue to please her, her attempts to please him can cause him to lose interest.

If and when she is not sure where her relationship is going, she should find support from her friends. This gives her time and space to think about whether he is really the right person for an exclusive relationship.


The Challenge

The challenge in Stage Two of dating is to recognize that uncertainty is normal during the dating process. Without a good understanding of the uncertainty stage, it is easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.



Stage Three: Exclusivity

The Third Stage of Dating begins when both people feel a desire to date each other exclusively. Both of them want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. They want to relax and have more time to share with one partner.

The Exclusivity Stage begins with a conversation and a commitment to stop seeing other people. Exclusivity must not be assumed without talking about it and coming to an agreement about it.

Many people believe that if they are sexually involved, then they are exclusive. However, sex is not a requirement for exclusivity.


Exclusivity for Him

When a man moves into the exclusivity stage, he can often grow complacent in the relationship. He may assume that he has done all he needs to do to win a willing partner. This can cause him to stop doing the things that made him so attractive to her in the beginning.

This is not the time for him to sit home and assume that the work of building a romance is over. He needs to continue to take the time to explore what she likes and plan romantic dates together.

Romance fuels her attraction for him. If he relaxes too much, she may stop responding to him like the way she did during the first two stages of dating.


Exclusivity for Her

After she has agreed to be exclusive, her greatest challenge is asking him for support. She often assumes that he will start to do things without being asked.

Just as his romantic gestures reassure her that she is special, her requests encourage him to continue giving her what she needs. She becomes more attractive to him when he knows what she wants and he feels confident that he can fulfill her.

She should continue receiving with positive responses. She may want to do more but when she feels she is giving more, she can lose her appreciation and attraction for him.


The Challenge

The challenge in the Third Stage of Dating is to avoid becoming too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make the other person feel special. He needs to continue being romantic, planning dates and chasing her. She needs to ask for what she wants, and be receptive and responsive to his efforts.



Stage Four: Intimacy

Once both people have experienced chemistry on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, they are ready to experience the real and lasting love that can grow in the Fourth Stage of Dating: Intimacy.

This is the time to relax and just get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level. It’s also important to point out that the Intimacy Stage is a life long journey.

She should continue to open up more and share her thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities. He should continue to express his love, show more interest and desire, and look forward to regular physical intimacy.

Both of them should grow closer and feel the joy of a deeper emotional connection and increased physical contact.


Tips for Men

The biggest challenge for him during this stage is to understand that she will show more vulnerability in the relationship. Her emotions will tend to rise and fall – like a wave.

She may feel very loving and happy for consecutive days, but once her emotions reach their peak, her wave crashes, and she has very little to give. She may feel overwhelmed, insecure, or resentful, but he should avoid taking it personally.

This is when he needs to draw from the skills he learned in Stage Three and continue to give his best without expecting an immediate return. He should avoid trying to talk her out of her feelings. Rather than give solutions, he should provide greater understanding, empathy, and just listen.


Tips for Women

Just as her feelings tend to rise and fall with the increased intimacy, men experience the need to get close and pull away – like a rubber band.

The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to have some distance. This is normal. Each time he pulls away, his love grows as he experiences missing her and wanting to be close again.

This back-and-forth urge is natural for a man and mimics the testosterone production in his body. This goes against a woman’s basic instinct, so it is difficult for her to support him in the process. As a result, she may unknowingly sabotage the growth of a man’s love and attraction for her by pursuing him or trying to convince him to return.

His need to pull away will decline less and less as emotional intimacy deepens in the relationship. A man’s tendency to pull away is most extreme when he experiences intimacy before he is ready. If a man gets close to a woman before he has experienced chemistry on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – he may not come back when he pulls away. If he has not experienced enough love, then the rubber band breaks.


The Challenge

The challenge during the Intimacy Stage is understanding how each person handles intimacy differently and giving that person what they need, when they need it.

He can struggle with his need to be autonomous while also being committed. She struggles with avoiding the urge to chase him.



Stage Five: Engagement

The final stage of dating happens when the couple decides to make the ultimate commitment and get married. Both people are clear that they want to be with one another forever. It is a time to build a life and future plans.

Engagement is also the best time for a couple to practice before they are married. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. Everything becomes bigger. As the love grows, so do the problems and pressures.

It is a great time to practice the two most important skills of staying married: the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive.

Apologies and forgiveness are interdependent. When one partner apologizes, that makes it easier for the other to find forgiveness. When one partner is very forgiving, that makes it easy for the other to apologize.

It is difficult for a man to apologize for his mistakes when he does not sense he will be forgiven. It is equally difficult for a woman to forgive a man’s mistakes when he does not apologize.

When a woman deliberately chooses to focus on creating a positive and receptive attitude by forgiving, she then discovers how much a man really wants to please her and support her. She experiences and learns that her love, not her punishments, brings out the best in him.


The Bottom Line

It is important to respect all Five Stages of Dating. Sometimes, both partners are too eager and they skip stages together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow.

Throughout the Five Stages of Dating, it is important to understand why he should pursue and she should create opportunities to be pursued. She is the jewel and he should remember to always provide the right setting for her to shine.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is a sacred promise that goes deeper than dating. It is a meaningful ritual that marks a new stage of life. It reminds you who you are and releases you to become who you are meant to be.

Throughout my book, Mars and Venus On A Date, I explain the Five Stages of Dating in greater detail. The book is full of valuable insights about how men and women approach dating differently and helps couples to correctly interpret their partners so they will not be misunderstood.

Mars and Venus On A Date helps couples create the relationship of their dreams.

Most people experience problems in their relationships, and life for that matter, because they don't love themselves.

I know that sounds like a broad statement but it's true. Once you stop loving yourself, you create space for hating yourself.

Love is a cycle that can grow stronger if it is supported...

The more you love yourself, the greater freedom you feel to express yourself. The more you express yourself, the easier it is for people to appreciate the real you and not simply the image you project. The more appreciation and love you receive, the more you love yourself and the cycle continues.

When you don’t love yourself this cycle moves in the opposite direction, with decreasing love and self-expression.

Every relationship in your life can cause this love cycle to break down. Family, teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers, bosses and everyone else have the potential to cause you to stop believing in yourself. This loss of confidence stifles self-expression and disrupts your cycle of self-love.

And once it’s broken, it’s hard to get back on track.


There are five important steps you can take to help you love yourself more.

1. Appreciate yourself
We are taught from childhood that to appreciate ourselves is vain, and vanity is not good. Modesty is an admirable quality, but we often do too good a job of being modest and therefore diminish our self-appreciation for those things that we have accomplished and do well.

2. Desire yourself
We are taught to share early in life. Again, this is an admirable quality. The problem is that as we seek the love and acceptance of our parents and elders many of us become expert at self-sacrifice without learning that some of our dreams will only be accomplished if we focus on our own wants, needs, and desires.

3. Free yourself
Young children catch on quickly that love is often conditional. In the face of a mistake, love is withheld and the pattern is established that mistakes are made at the price of affection. Free yourself from grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move forward.

4. Express yourself
The effort to please your parents, family and friends often comes at the price of self-expression. You become preoccupied with becoming like other people and surrender the chance to express your own uniqueness. In time, you learn to live with a sense of inner failure and frustration because you have buried your potential for success.

5. Be yourself
If you experienced love being turned on and off to you as a child, you probably decided that your worth and goodness depends on your ability to please others. Simply being yourself earned you little praise or recognition.

I was interviewd in the video above by Leana Greene, CEO of Kids In The House.

Kids In The House is an educational website devoted to parenting. Below are the questions and my answers.

Q: Dr. Gray, my question for you is, how do you get your wife's sex drive back, and how can you keep it running in the long term?

A: In order to bring back the passion in a relationship, there is no quick fix. It takes a lot of romance, it takes good communication, it takes working a little bit on your relationship.

We expect things to happen automatic today. We have immediate gratification, but actually, our life has sped up so much, and we have to slow it down, we have to spend more time together.

And for women to feel attracted to their partners, they really need to feel a polarity where a man listening more to her, and she's listening less to him. Or he's doing more things for her, and she's doing less things for him.

And it all has to do with stimulating in her body higher levels of estrogen. Estrogen, for a woman to be attracted to a man and turned on, her estrogen levels need to double. And whenever you feel love and loved, someone's doing things for you, someone's listening to you, someone's attending to you, your estrogen levels go up.

When women are doing that for a man, his estrogen levels go up, but that doesn't increase his sexual interest.

It's testosterone that increases his sexual interest. When a man's testosterone levels are rising, that also increases a woman's sexual interest, because, when a man has higher testosterone, it helps to increase a woman's estrogen.

And so, when he's doing things for her, and she's appreciating what he does, because he's doing the things she needs to increase her estrogen, then his testosterone goes up, and it's a win-win.

So we have to go back to old-fashioned dating skills where you actually have to take time to stimulate the right hormones to create the magic of attraction. But it takes work and new understanding.


Q: My husband is addicted to porn. How can I get his attention back, and how do I get over the fact that he thinks he's not cheating, but I think he is?

A: Well, you know, cheating is a definition according to what agreements couples have.

You know, there's the community of polyamorous, there's people with open relationships. They don't call it cheating, because they've agreed on something. So cheating is rather insulting, rather demeaning, depending upon your agreements.

And what I would try to do is educate him to understand the effects of porn on the brain. I have no judgment against porn. Porn is very exciting. It's stimulating to people. Millions of people around the world are doing it. These are not bad people. But millions of people do drugs. They're addicted to sugar, they're addicted to heroin, they're addicted to drinking. These addictions, people, they feel good, they don't realize how it affects the brain.

But the short explanation is when a man or a woman, but particularly, most of it, 70% is men, when you go to porn to get excited, it stimulates more dopamine, which is the excitement brain chemical, than a human can ever produce. So what that does, is it desensitizes the brain to normal sexual interaction, so you don't get as turned on to your partner, if you're getting turned on to fantasy.

So I'm against all these ideas of go use porn to get turned on to your partner, go use fantasy to do it. Fantasy, or going to other partners to stimulate attraction to your partner, it will stimulate dopamine, but it decreases your brain's ability to be turned onto your partner.

And all of this about hormones and keeping the passion for a lifetime, and so forth, it's in my latest book called Beyond Mars and Venus. It is so scientific that really men grip onto it, it makes sense to them. Women love the information as well, of course. 

One of the biggest challenges a woman experiences in a relationship is when a man pulls away. He may disappear for a few hours or even a few days, but it is a very natural thing for a man to do. The reason is biological.

The most important things for a woman to remember when a man pulls away: don’t chase him and don’t try to make him feel happy.

When he pulls away, this is not the time for her to get angry, or build resentment, or even feel sorry for herself. This is her time to make herself feel happy by taking care of herself and nurturing the other relationships in her life.

This will keep her happy so when he does return, he can work on making her feel happier. Her happiness is his success. When she is happy, he feels a sense of accomplishment. This makes him happy and gives him a sense of connection and love.


Why He Pulls Away

Remember I said the reason men pull away is biological?

It starts with his hormones. A man requires ten to thirty times more testosterone than a woman. A man spends all day making testosterone and using it up as he solves problems and makes decisions. If it’s a good day and everything ran smoothly, he feels successful and confident. And he has plenty of testosterone when he returns home.

If the day is difficult and stressful, and he feels overwhelmed, his body releases estrogen. Estrogen works to lower testosterone. So, when he is faced with too many decisions or problems, he may suffer from low testosterone, especially at the end of the day when he returns home.

So how does he rebuild testosterone?

He retreats to a non-stressful environment to relax. He may choose to do nothing, like watching TV or simply meditating. Or he may also choose to do something that is easy and task-driven with a sense of accomplishment. He just doesn't want to do anything that creates estrogen – like being close to a woman.

He may love his wife and want to be with her but as soon as he is with her and interacts with her, it stimulates the production of estrogen, which lowers his testosterone levels and keeps his stress levels high.


What To Do

When he pulls away, she should avoid chasing him or waiting for him. She should go and do things that make her happy. This will keep her happy and create a good space for him to return to.

When he does come back, she shouldn’t punish him or make him feel bad. This gives him the message to not come back.

She also shouldn’t bother him or ask him when he will return. This will only lengthen his separation. A great way for her to tell him she is thinking of him is by sending him fun and happy text messages. This will show him she is happy and it will encourage him to return to her. A happy woman makes man feel happy.

There are many reasons why a man pulls away in a relationship. I give real examples with simple and very effective communication tools in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus. 


Click here for my video about Beyond Mars and Venus and a free gift!

Men are always asking me, "What do I do when she is unhappy?". Most of them list all things they have said or things they have tried to do to make the women in their lives happy.

But my response for all of them is the same:

There is nothing you can say or do to make her happy. Women can only make themselves happy, but men have the power to make them happier.

So how does a man make a woman happier?

First, we need to understand why she is feeling unhappy. When a woman is unhappy, it's due to stress. Her hormones are out of balance and she needs help getting them back on track.

When a woman is stressed out and unhappy, a man will usually react defensively and think he needs to fix her state of unhappiness. He also feels a sense of failure and is motivated to make her feel happy again. But making her happy is not his job.

His job is to provide safety for her to find her own happiness.

So ... how does a man make a woman happier? He can't. But he can make her happier after she has made herself happy.


What To Say

The best way for a woman to restore her happiness is through communication. So it is a man's job to help her feel safe when she is sharing her feelings.

When a woman can open up to a man who listens with respect, compassion, and empathy, it produces estrogen and oxytocin, which helps lower her stress levels and restores her happiness.

Just as a man loves to be appreciated, a woman loves to be heard. So the best thing a man can do to make her happier is to simply listen.

A couple should take ten minutes at the end of each day to allow her to talk about her feelings - but those feelings can't be about him. She should just be able to talk about her day and feel safe to do so.

It can be challenging at first for a woman to talk about her feelings to their partner without complaining. A woman I once explained this process to said to me, “If I am not supposed to talk about our relationship, then what is there to talk about?”

With practice, there is always plenty to talk about. A woman has a world of feelings and emotional reactions that get dismissed or suppressed during the day. She needs to shine a light inside and express what is there.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list different examples for how a woman can share her feelings without making it sound like a complaint about her partner.

The focus should be to get her to talk without feeling resistance from him. If she can express, discontent, disappointment, concerns, fears, and frustration, without the feeling that he is going to rescue her, then estrogen levels will rise higher and her stress levels will go lower.

This gives her the ability to find her own happiness.

The more a man shows interest in what a woman is saying, feeling, liking, wanting, or needing, the more supported she will feel. When a man shows interest in what a woman is saying, she feels he is interested in her, and that is a big oxytocin and estrogen producer.

I will admit, there are those times when a man is not that interested in what she is saying, but because he is always interested in making her happy, when he realizes that she will feel personally supported if he listens, then he becomes more interested in what she has to say.


What To Do

Men need to remember that listening is not just the first step in solving a problem. When a woman is stressed, it is also a solution. Without having to “do” anything, he can be the hero.

Women need to remember that complaining to her partner about him never works. By learning to meet her need to be heard by sharing problems that are not about him, she can discover her power to bring out the best in a man.

As he listens more without feeling defensive, he automatically becomes more empathetic, compassionate, and motivated to help her. With practice, he discovers that without him saying anything or doing anything, she moves from feeling upset to feeling good just by freely sharing her feelings.

A couple should carve out 10-15 minutes every day so she can simply talk to him while he listens.

When a woman is talking, a man can give her the best support by showing more interest.

Here are three easy messages that man can use to show he is a supportive listener:

• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “Tell me more about that.”
• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “What else?”
• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “Help me understand that better.”

Then finish the talk with a good hug. This simple practice will greatly increase her oxytocin and estrogen levels, which help keep her stress levels down to help her find happiness.

This will also help the man feel happier too. A man is always happiest when his partner is happy. Whenever she is happy, he feels appreciated because he tends to automatically take credit for her happiness. Her happiness is the symbol that he has made a difference in her life.

Learn more simple ways for finding happiness in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.

Ever had a “gut” feeling?

There may be more to it than you realize.

It is estimated that over 500 species of bacteria lives in our gut, intestines, and stomach. Up until the past few years, researchers paid little attention to the colonies of bacteria that live in the lower gut.

Today, we know maintaining a healthy balance of good versus bad bacteria is important because people with more beneficial bacteria are less likely to suffer from a wide range of diseases and conditions.

A recent study found that the addition of a “good” strain of the bacteria lactobacillus to the gut of mice reduced their anxiety levels. The effect was blocked after cutting the vagus nerve – the main connection between brain and gut. This and other studies suggests the gut-brain axis is being used by bacteria to affect the brain.


Balancing the Bacteria

Traditional diets around the world have typically included raw and fermented foods full of beneficial strains of bacteria. Yogurt, kefir, sauerkraut, and fermented fish, all offer a helathy amount of good bacteria.

In our modern society however, we’ve effectively managed to pasteurize, irradiate, and process out any naturally occurring beneficial bacteria while feeding the harmful bacteria in our gut a feast of processed starches and sugars. Antibiotic use and other pharmaceuticals also further aggravate this problem.


How To Boost Your Bacteria

Beneficial bacteria is necessary to properly digest food and to absorb nutrients. It plays a big role in overall immunity. With the rise of digestive problems like IBS, Crohn’s disease, Celiac Disease, colitis, allergies, etc., a good dose of beneficial bacteria certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Fortunately, even if you’ve depleted your beneficial bacteria by some of the methods above, there are ways to increase it and help balance the bacteria in your digestive system. 

Here are some tips for boosting your probiotic balance:

Reduce or stop eating sugars, grains, starches, or vegetable oils. These foods deplete beneficial bacteria very quickly, which can suppress immunity and lead to a variety of health problems.

Eat more vegetables, proteins and fats. These foods help support beneficial bacteria that feed on certain types of fiber in foods like veggies. They will also support the body in culturing additional good bacteria.

Consume fermented foods and drinks. Foods like sauerkraut, fermented veggies, kefir, yogurt, and naturally aged cheeses are natural sources of probiotics. Eating a variety of these can help get in all the beneficial strains of bacteria. Cultured drinks like kombucha and water or milk kefir also provide probiotics.

Don’t overuse antibiotics. There may be cases when antibiotics must be used, but for mild illnesses that can be left to run their course or treated naturally, consider skipping the antibiotics, which will deplete all gut bacteria, including the beneficial strains. If you do need to take antibiotics, make sure to take a high-quality probiotic at the same time and for a while afterward to help replenish bacteria.

Sigmund Freud famously asked the question, “What do women want?” but he never found a definitive answer. I offer some help to an answer in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.

As relationships continue to evolve and change, the needs and wants of women change with them. Thousands of years ago, a woman would depend on a man to provide her physical needs, such as food and shelter, for her and her children’s survival. Today women can certainly take care of themselves, but the echoes of evolution remain.

The most important thing a woman wants from a man is still safety, however today it is emotional safety than physical safety.

In the past men protected women from physical danger; today women need men to create emotional safety so that they can express themselves and their feelings authentically. This gives women what they want and helps them, ultimately, find happiness in a relationship. As adults, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but we can certainly help each other in that process by acting with love.

Without this insight, men often complain they don’t know what women want. What he says or does one day works great; the next day, it doesn’t. This is because with each change in a woman’s hormonal cycle, her needs in a relationship change as well.

Understanding a woman’s different hormonal changes during her menstrual phases is important for both women and men. It gives women new power to motivate a man to provide the romance, good communication, and help she needs to find happiness and ultimately get what she wants – the safety to express her authentic self.

Looking at a woman’s hormonal changes during her monthly menstrual cycle reveals the best times of the month for a man and a woman to apply different hormone-stimulating behaviors that lower her stress. I separate these changes into three phrases in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.


You Time

This phase happens in the first five days after a woman’s period. During this time, she has the greatest power to restore hormonal balance and lower her stress. Her body begins naturally making testosterone and her estrogen levels are rising. Her needs and fulfillment at work are more important than her personal needs at home. She expresses more of her male qualities and engages more in work bonding with the support of her female side for the benefit of others.

During You Time, it is important for a man to provide the safety and support for her to freely express herself to help her feel happiness, appreciation, and fulfillment.


We Time

Beginning on the six day until about the tenth day after her period, around the time of ovulation, a woman has a need to engage in more pair bonding. Her oxytocin levels are increasing, which lowers her testosterone (if it is too high) and increases her estrogen. Her estrogen level naturally peaks in this phase, doubling in comparison to any other time in her cycle. Her oxytocin will also rise to its highest level, depending on the support she receives.

This five-day window is when a man’s romantic overtures and efforts have the biggest impact. His affection, touch, romantic actions, good communication, and compassion can make the biggest impact and have a lasting effect during the rest of the month. She might need just a three-second hug or she might need a ten-minute Venus Talk or to plan a romantic date.

She is also very vulnerable and needs his emotional and caring support the most at this time. This is the time when he can her hero. If she does not get that support during the five days of We Time, then for the next eighteen days she will feel something is missing in her relationship and either want more or feel a growing sense of resentment. However, when her We Time needs are met during this five-day window of time, then she doesn’t need pair bonding as much during the rest of her cycle.


Me Time

Me Time happens a couple of days after the full moon until five days after the new moon, about eighteen days in all. During this phase of her hormonal cycle, a woman is engaging in either social bonding or self-nurturing activities. Whether she’s spending Me Time on her own or with others, she is expressing her male and female qualities. She is doing what she wants, without sacrifice.

These activities - social bonding and self-nurturing - increase her progesterone, which in turn lowers her estrogen level if it is too high. If her testosterone levels have been depleted during You Time, she will need more self-nurturing activities during Me Time. Like a man’s cave time, self-nurturing activities, besides increasing progesterone, help a woman restore testosterone, which will increase her libido and energy.

If her estrogen levels go too high during We Time because she is giving more than she is getting back, social bonding during Me Time can increase her progesterone enough to lower her estrogen. This surge of progesterone will calm her mind, lower her stress, and increase her positive feelings.

If she is stressed, then too much pair bonding will have the opposite effect from the one she wants. Because oxytocin increases her estrogen, too much pair bonding can actually suppress her progesterone at the very time when her body needs more of it.

The key for a man to be able to give a woman what she wants is to understand her need to shift from We Time to Me Time. I encourage all men (and women) to read my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, for more insight on this important relationship skill.

Dear Lauren,

I’m a good-looking guy, so I know my looks are not the problem. But every time I try talking to a girl, getting close to a girl, or try to take “dating” to the next level, it never works out. I’m a funny guy, fairly wise, very goal oriented, and I’m very social. But the bottom line is, I’m just not very good with “relationships” or dating in general. Can you help give me a clue on how to be more successful with the ladies? 
 
–Dustin
 

Hey there Dustin,
 

To have a successful relationship, you need to be open to creating change - epecially changing yourself.

Most people who complain about their relationship are simply missing the passion they felt in the beginning of the relationship. They want more passion, better communication, and a closer connection with their partner.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I describe the feelings and thoughts people experience when they are not getting what they need in their relationships. I also explain in depth what you need to do to feel fulfilled in your relationship and create a lasting and passionate Soul Mate relationship. You should read my book for a clear understanding of these ideas, but I will share parts with you now.


There are four stages that most couples move through towards creating a Soul Mate relationship:


Stage One: Stop Changing Your Partner

In the first stage, you may easily get upset, complain, yell, withhold your love, punish, shame, or criticize just to communicate the simple message to your partner, “This doesn’t work for me. I would prefer you do something else.”

If you are not getting what you need and you are wanting more in your relationship, it’s important to know how to communicate that to your partner. If there is a tone of dissatisfaction in your voice, your partner is going to hear your request as a complaint, criticism, unsolicited advice or simply an unwanted suggestion.

Your partner will often think, “I need to change myself to make my partner happy.” This will make your partner feel controlled.

When you are in this first stage, communication with your partner is primarily based on what you believe is right or wrong and not always what is loving and kind. It is based on what you believe is good or bad according to your social conditioning or your own expectations and standards of behaving.

This leads to attempts to manipulate your partner into making the changes that you demand through punishing and shaming. Punishing and shaming come from a primitive part of the brain. When you are stressed, blood flow to your reasonable and loving part of the brain is redirected to more primeval parts of the brain, and your automatic reaction is to attempt to control our partner.

If you recognize that your relationship is in stage one, then the first change you need to make is to stop trying to change your partner. That’s it. Just stop making suggestions, no unsolicited advice and don’t be critical of your partner, whether you are vocal about it or not.


Stage Two: Change Yourself

Once you have stopped trying to change your partner, you are ready for the second stage: changing yourself.

The best way you can change yourself is to lower your stress levels. When you are stressed, it’s harder to change; it’s harder to listen; it’s harder to love.

Take some time to learn about your hormones and how they regulate your stress levels. If you learn how to balance your hormones correctly, you will feel more satisfied, happy and fulfilled in most areas of your life, especially your relationship.

When there is drama, fighting, cold wars, or theatrics, instead of dropping back to stage one, you are able to recognize you are stressed and do something that is not dependent on changing your partner to feel better.

Then, without requiring your partner to change for your happiness, you can then consider how to interact in a way that works better for your partner and for yourself.

No one is perfect, so you can’t stay in stage two all the time. But at least you can recognize how you may have contributed to any dispute, problem, escalation of tension, or mistake.


Stage Three: Give Your Partner More

Now that you are feeling good, it’s time to focus on your partner. So the third stage towards a more successful, Soul Mate relationship is to give your partner more.

The tricky part with giving your partner more is understanding what they need. Men and women have different needs in life and in relationships.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list all the different needs of men and women when it comes to relationships. It is very important to understand these different needs of men and women if you are ever going to create a Soul Mate relationship.

By this third stage, you begin to discover more compassion and wisdom as well as other aspects of higher love. This higher love is what allows you to express your full potential in life. It is what gives you patience, confidence, acceptance, and lasting love. It’s also the foundation of every Soul Mate relationship.

There are still challenges in stage three, but there is far less drama. You begin to recognize that all challenges in a relationship are opportunities to become a more loving person.

By overcoming your inner resistance to finding and expressing love during times when it is difficult to do so, all aspects of your life becomes easier and more fulfilling.

Your demand for perfection is replaced by a liberating acceptance of what cannot change, an appreciation for what can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Stage 4: Asking For What You Want

Now that you have given your partner more, it’s time to ask for what you need and want.

In this stage you feel much less resistant toward life’s inevitable challenges, less attachment to getting everything you want when you want it, and less avoidance of the things you want to do or be.

You have reflected on what works and doesn’t work and you have made changes to yourself and your communication. So now when you ask for something that requires change by your partner, your requests will be heard and received by your partner as just simple requests and not complaints.

In this stage, you fully accept that relationships and life will always present new challenges to your ability to find a greater love within yourself. It is a radical acceptance that life is not perfect, your partner is not perfect, and problems and challenges will never go away, but all of that is okay.

In stage one, these obstacles are like big speed bumps that slow you down. Now they are simply unexpected turns in the road of your life, which bring opportunities for gaining new insights and greater inner strength, wisdom, and love.

Getting to this stage in your relationship gives you the freedom to be all that you can be, and to do what we are here in this world to do. It is in this stage, after growing in compassion and wisdom and other aspects of higher love, that you experience the freedom of unconditional love.

This unconditional love, particularly for and from your intimate partner, provides you with great comfort, always reminding you that while life is not perfect, you are here to make it better—for your partner, your family, and the world.

When I first wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the major challenge in most relationships was learning how to accept and understand our common gender differences in order to improve communication and restore the romance.

While readers found these insights were incredibly helpful then and still will today, now the bigger challenge is to balance the expression of our male and female sides to lower our stress and create a relationship that is passionate and lasts a lifetime – a Soul Mate relationship.


Balancing Masculine And Feminine

As women become decision makers and leaders, they express more masculine qualities like problem solving, detachment, and independence. This freedom to express their male side is valuable and important, but without the support they need to return to their female side for balance, their stress levels rise, along with feelings of dissatisfaction about their partner, their relationship, and their life in general.

In a similar way, as men express more of their female side both at work and at home, their stress levels rise. At work, many men are expressing more female qualities like cooperation, nurturing, and interdependence. Likewise, workplaces over the past fifty years have dramatically integrated a wide range of feminine qualities: team building, better communication skills,  improved working conditions and more flexible working hours, as well as greater inclusiveness, respect, and appreciation for women’s contributions.

The more men express their female side at work, the better the workplace becomes for all of us, but without the insight and support to return to his male side, his stress levels will rise and he will have less to give to his relationship at home. Unable to find balance, he begins to feel more dissatisfaction with his partner, his relationships, and his life in general.

Men are further tapping into their female side at home, by attempting to provide more love and support for their partners than their fathers did. Even more significant are the increasing numbers of fathers who are more involved in parenting at home. His extra support, particularly with so many women working outside the home, helps to reduce the pressure and feeling of being overwhelmed so many women feel when they return home. But while this nurturing time is valuable and important to a man, his wife, and their children, it also lowers his testosterone levels.

With this greater expression of their female sides, men also have a greater need to find balance. Without this balance, their energy levels drop and feelings of dissatisfaction and stress gradually increase.

In traditional Role Mate relationships, to recover from a stressful day at work, most men would take some time to lower their stress by reading the newspaper or watching TV. They would relax, have a drink, and forget the problems of their day.

But in our complex modern world, if both men and women are to find balance, his taking this time to relax is not enough. New communication skills are required that support his male side, while simultaneously helping his partner return to her female side.

When a woman returns home from work, she needs a new kind of support to reconnect with her female side to lower her stress levels and be happy. Likewise, a man also needs a new kind of support to reconnect with his male side to lower his stress and be happy. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I explore and explain how both their needs can be fulfilled.


Balancing Testosterone And Estrogen

One of the easiest ways to understand and discuss the differences between men and women, as well as learn how to balance our male and female sides, is to understand how our reactions to stress are hormonally different. 

Every couple of years, it is big news in the media when some study reveals that men and women are not that different, with headlines like “The Myth of Mars and Venus” or “Men Are Not from Mars.” These studies are quite misleading because they merely point out that men can develop female characteristics and vice versa. Such reports support the notion that every man and woman has a male and female side, but they also ignore the fact that our hormones are dramatically different and directly affect our moods, behaviors, and health in countless ways.

When a man’s testosterone levels significantly drop or his female hormones go too high, or when a woman’s estrogen and other female hormone levels are too low or high, stress levels go up. A man requires at least ten times more testosterone than a healthy woman to experience health and well-being. On the other hand, a woman requires at least ten times more estrogen than a healthy man to experience health and well-being. This striking difference is universal for all men and women.

Throughout Beyond Mars and Venus, I return to this basic hormonal difference again and again. It helps to remind us that our differences are very real despite how similar we may sometimes appear. In fact, understanding this difference gives us the needed insight to make conscious behavior and attitude changes to support our hormonal balance. Balancing our hormones through specific changes grants us new power to lower our stress levels and increase our capacity to express our full potential and create a Soul Mate relationship.

Hey Lauren,
 
I really love your blogs, they make a lot of sense, and I need your help with something. I’m 39 years old and I’m engaged to a woman I adore. Here’s my problem, she nags me all the time. I want to be there for her but it feels like she’s always demanding so much time and energy. I know you’re supposed to “compromise” in a relationship but it seems like I’m making all the sacrifices and I’m starting to feel like this relationship is one-sided. This isn’t sustainable. What can I do?
                     
-Ian
 
Hi Ian!
 
Sounds like you’ve got Resentment Flu. And you’re right; it isn’t sustainable. So let’s talk about how to get rid of resentment so that you can enjoy your relationship again!
 
Before we dive in, I want to be completely transparent. Clearing resentment is often a many layered process. What I’m sharing with you today in this blog is a great first step. For some men and women, this first step is enough, especially if you’re in a new relationship. For others, there’s more work to be done.
 
But let’s take the first important step, shall we?

 
The #1 CLUE You’ve Got Resentment Flu.
 
The first step to any recovery is a diagnosis. So let’s figure out, how do you know if you have resentment flu?
 
Resentment enthusiastically takes over anytime you feel like you’re giving more than you’re getting in a relationship.
 
There’s a big stigma around the word “resentment;” no one wants to own that they feel resentful. It doesn’t feel particularly flattering. I understand.
 
But when you take the word out of the mix and just look at the feeling that you get when you’re giving so much but you’re not getting the same love, appreciation and effort that you’re putting forth – it becomes a LOT more relatable and a lot more approachable.
 
I mean, have you ever felt like you give more than you get? I HAVE!!!!
 
So, when you look at your partner and think, “They’re not pulling their weight around here,” that’s the number one clue you’ve been infected with resentment flu.
 
Own it. Now you have the power to get rid of it.
 
 
The Relationship SECRET No One Tells You!
 
Right now you feel resentful because it seems like you’re making all the sacrifices and doing all the work. You genuinely want to be there for her but the reality is, she’s draining all your resources, time, and energy.
 
It’s normal, at this stage, to think that that is HER fault.
 
After all, you’re doing so much for her; you’re sacrificing so much for the relationship, you’re doing everything right, right? And instead of giving you a break or offering to help you with your stuff, she keeps “nagging” you for more support and attention. So this is her fault, right?
 
WRONG!
 

I wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus 25 years ago and it continues to touch the lives of people in over 150 countries.

When I travel the world, the most frequent question I hear is "Does that book still apply to relationships today?"

The short answer: yes, essentially.

The long answer is more complex.

Men Are from Mars still holds timeless teachings that can be applied to every relationship in your life. But I realize the world has changed dramatically since I wrote it. 

Our lives move faster. Our stress levels are higher. Communication has changed. More women are in the workplace. More men are taking on greater responsibilities at home.

We know more about what it takes to create strong relationships and how to communicate better with our partners but this has made us expect more from our partners. When they don’t understand how to fulfill those expectations, we have greater disappointment and failed relationships.

Our parents or grandparents had different expectations. Some would say lower expectations, but I think they were just different. They may not have been happy in their relationships, but they were content in their relationships as long as their partners fulfilled a specific role. This is a Role Mate relationship.


The Role Mate Relationship

A traditional Role Mate relationship is based on stereotypical male and female roles in which the man is the provider and the woman is the nurturing homemaker.

The primary purpose of a Role Mate relationship was to divide responsibilities between men and women to ensure the survival and security of their tribe or society as well as their individual families.

Simply put, partners were picked primarily on their ability to fulfill these roles and not on romantic chemistry.

While Role Mate relationships benefited society, many men and women were left unfulfilled because it meant suppressing parts of themselves that didn’t fit their roles.

Men who wanted to care for their children or who might have preferred a lower-paid but more fulfilling job kept this to themselves because they were needed to support their family.

Women who wanted more intellectual challenge or who had ambitions beyond home life had to stifle this part of themselves to focus on caring for their family.

This self-repression is unacceptable in today’s modern society. We want to experience a higher level of emotional fulfillment that comes from a relationship in which we are able to freely express our authentic and unique selves. This is a Soul Mate relationship.


The Soul Mate Relationship

We have come a long way in the last twenty-five since Men Are from Mars hit the shelves. Mainly men and women today are less dependent on each other to ensure the survival and security of the family.

However, as men and women have become less dependent on each other in the material sense, they have become more dependent on each other for emotional support and personal fulfillment.

For a woman, a man’s strength, size, social status, or wealth are no longer dominant factors in her selection process. They are still factors, but she is also looking for romantic chemistry. Women are especially looking for a partner who can provide a new level of emotional support.

Men’s requirements have changed as well. A woman’s domestic skills are no longer a major requirement for men in picking a marriage partner. He is more interested in how a woman makes him feel than in her abilities to cook and clean, or her race, religion, or social status.


Our Male and Female Sides

With modern conveniences and new opportunities to be self-sufficient, our dependence on a Role Mate has decreased and the requirements of a Soul Mate relationship have taken center stage.

One of the main benefits of the Soul Mate relationship is its potential to awaken and support the natural unfolding and expression of our unique selves.

As we let go of traditional male and female roles, we suddenly have access to parts of ourselves we had previously suppressed or hidden. Instead of being limited to expressing characteristics related to their traditional roles, men now have greater access to their female side and women now have greater access to their male side.

A modern man is no longer required to suppress his female side to be considered a “real” man, and a modern woman is no longer required to hide her male side to be considered a “real” woman.

As a result, we gain access to our authentic, unique selves: our own unique blends of masculine and feminine characteristics.

For a man, access to his unique self allows his feminine sense of love and devotion to come forth. The growing love in his heart gives more meaning to his mission as his purpose extends beyond his own needs to serve the needs of others.

For a woman, this access awakens her masculine sense of mission in harmony with her feminine sense of purpose. A woman’s masculine mission is to make a difference by expressing her unique talents, while her feminine sense of purpose is ultimately to love and be loved.

While love is always a priority in her life, she wants to express that love in a way that makes a difference. Just as she strives to be more loving at home, she brings that love to her work by wanting to be her best self and bring out the best of others.

The expression of our suppressed male or female side releases a tremendous energy and dramatically increases our sense of aliveness, energy, and passion for love and life.


Beyond Mars and Venus

• Our inner commitment to be true to ourselves and find a higher love.
• A willful intention to let go of past mistakes with forgiveness and, the wisdom to correct our mistakes
• The understanding and compassion to unconditionally accept our partner’s limitations
• Faith and courage to open our hearts again and again
   

Gratitude practice has become a popular path to experiencing more happiness and fulfillment in life. But you may be surprised to know how “gratitude” can help your relationship as well.
 
Most of our dissatisfaction in life comes from looking at what we don’t have, at the absence of something we want.
 
I want my partner to listen to me and he doesn’t.
I want my partner to let me watch my show in peace and she doesn’t.
I want my partner to be affectionate and she’s not.
I want my partner to pick up after himself and he doesn’t.
 
We ALL have things to complain about. By the very nature of us being imperfect human beings, we are imperfect partners, and will experience imperfect relationships.
 
While I offer a course that shows women how to approach their relationships differently in order to get a different result, for this moment, we cannot change our partners. But we can find a path to fulfillment and satisfaction in this moment and I’ll show you what it is.
 
Make a list.
 
Not the usual list of all the “have nots” and the “She doesn’t” and the “He doesn’t.” It’s a new list. A grateful list.
 
What is something that your partner adds to your life that you would miss if it was taken away from you? What small things do they contribute to make your life easier, more fun, more meaningful, brighter, lighter, richer, and more truthful?
 
For example, even when I’m mad at my partner or in a place of temporary resentment because I’ve given too much, I can connect with this list:
 

For many men and women, the thought of never having to hear another complaint sounds like heaven. In a complaint-free relationship, love is sure to grow. But complaints are a part of life. To not complain is to hide a part of our authentic self. Sharing complaints is actually not the real problem; it is how you are sharing your complaints about your partner to your partner! A complaint-free relationship does not mean you can never complain; it means you don’t complain about your partner to your partner. You can still complain about other things.

Men and women are sensitive to complaints in different ways. When a man complains to a woman, it often makes the woman more overwhelmed. She will tend to give more in response to his complaints, but will feel overwhelmed and resentful as a result. When a woman complains to a man, it makes the man feel controlled. Eventually, he will stop caring about making her happy and give less to the relationship and to her.

Complaints are a necessary part of life, but we need to upgrade our skills in communicating them so that our partners can hear us in a way that makes them feel supported rather than unappreciated, rejected, criticized, or controlled. Learning to talk so that our partners can hear us is the most important skill in a relationship.


Why Complaining Doesn’t Work

What men and women think they are saying when they complain is often not what their partner hears. For example, when a man complains to his partner, “You are not home enough,” what a woman hears is that she is not being a “nurturing,” “cooperative,” or “loving” partner.

Her reaction is to feel that he doesn’t understand all that she tries to do. What she hears is she has to do more to make him happy. She is also turned off because she feels he is being needy, and to be nurturing, cooperative, and loving she has to give more. In most cases she feels that she is already giving as much as she can, so to give more makes her feel overwhelmed.

Many women have a tendency to feel overwhelmed in these high stress times. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I give many examples of how a man should communicate with his partner to keep the relationship complaint-free.

Here is my favorite: Change the complaints or blame to a positive.

If a man doesn’t like something, he should wait until he is not feeling annoyed or upset and briefly make a request letting her know what he would like from her in the fewest number of words. If the complaint in his mind is, “She is too busy and doesn't spend enough time at home,” then change it to a positive request and say, “Let’s plan to spend more time together. Let me know when you can go over our calendars.”

You could also say something like, “We have been so busy lately. Sometime soon, I’d like to schedule something fun we can do together.” Or you may ask that she just consider a request with a statement like, “Would you think about ways we can spend more time together? I had so much fun when we went for lunch that time.”

If a woman says to a man, “You are not home enough,” it affects him differently than when a woman hears it from a man. It gives the message that he is not giving enough and therefore he is not succeeding in making her happy. She doesn’t realize that, instead of hearing that she loves him and really appreciates being with him, he hears that he is not good enough, that once again he has failed to make her happy.

If she wants him to spend more time at home, then her communication would work much better if she simply said, “Let’s plan to spend more time together. I love being with you. Let me know when you have time to go over our calendars.” Hearing that she loves being with him raises his testosterone and makes him much more willing to sit down and plan some special time together.

A non-demanding request motivates a man best because it gives him the information he needs to give more in a relationship without saying that he has failed her in any way.


A Man’s Greatest Vulnerability

Criticism affects men and women differently, depending on where we are most vulnerable.

A man’s greatest vulnerability has to do with feeling controlled. Even a small complaint or criticism expressed in an emotional tone of unhappiness is kryptonite to a man. Here is a list of complaints, big and small, that will affect a man:
“You are always working.”
“Why can’t you pick up after yourself?”
“You didn’t do what I asked.”
"You ate all the cherries.">br /> “You didn’t call me to let me know you were late.”
“You only think about yourself.”
“You are not listening to me.”
“I don’t feel like you love me anymore.” "You left the light on in the living room again."

Each of these complaints is about his competence, a quality of his male side, so they strike him where he is more vulnerable. Feeling attacked, he will become defensive and to various degrees minimize her message, discount it, complain back, or simply push her away and stop caring about anything she says.

It is often surprising to women which of these are the most offensive. If she links her complaint to emotional unhappiness, then, ironically, the smaller it is, the more annoying it is to a man. If I am two hours late for dinner and I didn’t call, then I can easily understand why she is upset or unhappy with me, but if I left the light on in the living room or I ate all the cherrries, then her complaint is much more annoying.

If a woman links a complaint to emotional unhappiness, then ironically, the smaller it is, the more annoying it is to a man.

If a woman simply comments, without any emotional charge, “You are not around these days, I miss you,” or “Hey, you ate all the cherries, next time save some for me,” then it doesn’t upset him and he is better able to validate and remember her needs or request next time. However, when her complaint is backed with feelings of unhappiness, it affects him negatively.

A man’s male side primarily identifies with feeling successful. As long as he wants to succeed in making her happy, any complaint that is backed up with the emotional charge of her unhappiness pushes his most sensitive buttons. The right or wrong wording has some importance but the message communicated by the tone of her voice and her facial expression have a much greater effect.

When a complaint is expressed in a tone of voice that reveals her unhappiness with him, he will feel controlled. The message he hears is that to make her happy, he “must” spend more time at home or “should” never eat all the cherries. From his point of view, it can sound like a mother scolding a child. Her complaint sounds like a demand that he has do what she says if he is to make her happy.

On the other hand, a non-demanding request frees him to decide on his own to adjust his actions. This supports his independent, assertive, and problem-solving masculine side. Even if he does not fulfill that particular request, he will feel more inclined to support her in other ways.

In a complaint-free relationship, his gradual behavioral adjustments in response to her requests are his gifts of love, rather than obligations. A man will always give more when the message he gets from his partner is that he is already a good and loving partner and that she needs his help.

If a man immediately yields to a woman’s every complaint, either to keep peace or to please her, he gradually begins to lose his sense of confidence and competence when in her presence. He no longer feels like he is making his own decisions but instead becomes overly dependent on her direction or approval.

Most of the time, a woman’s intent in complaining is not to control. However, to be happy, she does want his support. When she recognizes that complaining really doesn’t work, she can then be more motivated to stop complaining and instead wait until she is feeling happy and appreciative of his support. Making requests in small increments and then giving big rewards is the secret of getting more in a relationship.

Hi Lauren,
 
I need your help. It seems like every time I try to bring something up about our relationship and express my honest feelings, it turns into a fight. Specifically, I open up, he gets irritated and says “drop it.” I’m not one to be bulldozed over so I keep talking. I should be allowed to express to myself to my own boyfriend. He just keeps saying, “drop it” and eventually leaves the room and slams the door.
 
I’m trying to make this relationship work but I keep running up against a brick wall. How can I get around “drop it” and have the conversation I want to have?
 
-Chelsea
 
Hi Chelsea,
 

Today, we have become more conscious of the idea that every person has a masculine side and a feminine side. The more modern, soul mate relationship includes a conscious woman and a conscious man who both want to express their true authentic selves.

A woman wants to have the freedom to express her feminine side and her masculine side when she wants and a man wants to express his masculine side and his feminine side when he wants. However, this can often throw a relationship out of balance.

Luckily, women have the power to return to their female side rather easily by doing one of the things that is more feminine than anything: sharing. When a woman can open up to a man who listens with respect, compassion, and empathy, it produces estrogen and oxytocin, which helps lower her stress levels and brings her back to her feminine side.


Sharing vs. Complaining

When women are stressed or overwhelmed by doing too much, the last thing they think they need to do is share their feelings, unless sharing feelings can solve some problem. But sharing feelings with the intent to solve a problem, like to get her partner to change in some way or otherwise take action, is not sharing. It is complaining. Sharing increases estrogen and lowers a woman’s stress, but complaining increases her testosterone and doesn’t lower her stress.

In counseling, when a woman shares her feelings and complains about her husband with me, it helps to lower her stress and is therapeutic for her because I am simply listening and she is not blaming me for her problems. She is not trying to change me, nor is she expecting me to change in any way. She is sharing her feelings to feel understood as well as to understand her own feelings better.

When she shares the same feelings and complaints with her partner, her intent is not just to be heard. She wants him to change. This makes him feel criticized and defensive or moves him into problem-solver mode.

Only once a woman is fully heard does her stress go down. And then, once she has been heard, if she still needs his help to solve a problem, it is ideal for her to approach him at another time with her heart open, and make a clear request for his support.

Men need to remember that listening is not just the first step in solving a problem. When a woman is stressed, it is also a solution. Without having to “do” anything, he can be the hero.

Women need to remember that complaining to her partner about him never works. By learning to meet her need to be heard by sharing problems that are not about him, she can discover her power to bring out the best in a man. As he listens more without feeling defensive, he automatically becomes more empathetic, compassionate, and motivated to help her. With practice he discovers that without him saying anything or doing anything, she moves from feeling upset to feeling good just by freely sharing her feelings.


Venus Talks

It is challenging at first for a woman to talk about feelings to her partner without complaining. So I created a process for making it easier. I call it the Venus Talk. A woman I once explained this process to said to me, “If I am not supposed to complain to solve problems or talk about our relationship, then what is there to talk about?”

With practice, there is always plenty to talk about. Women have a world of feelings and emotional reactions that get dismissed or suppressed during the day. To return to her vulnerable, emotional female side, she needs to shine a light inside and express what is there.

Unless she takes the time to look, she will not even know these feelings exist. Instead she will just feel stressed, with an urgent list of problems that need to be solved. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list different examples for how a woman can share her feelings with her partner without making it sound like a complaint about her partner.

The Venus Talk is a specific formula for sharing and not complaining. Its specific purpose is to not solve any problems, but instead to help her return to her female side and him to his male side. It's a powerful strategy to help women relieve stress when they feel it mounting.

There is nothing wrong with a woman discussing and solving problems together with her partner at another time when she is not feeling stressed. And there is nothing wrong with a man sharing their feelings or offering to help solve his partner’s problems when she is wanting his advice.

To help women cope with the stress of not being able to talk freely during the day, men can listen without any intention to fix and solve. Meanwhile, the woman talks without the intention to solve her problems, other than her basic need to bond. In this way she can share the details of her day without any specific desired outcome. When she simply shares her day, her oxytocin levels will begin to rise.

A Venus Talk is simple and anyone can learn to do it. I do recommend using the Venus Talking Points listed below. This simple guide includes six questions for you to answer about your day, your week, your past, your childhood, or simply whatever comes into your mind.

Our subconscious mind knows what is bothering us and will release our stress when given an opportunity. By taking a brief time to explore and express what feelings arise with each question, a woman will experience rising oxytocin levels and consequently lower stress.

The Venus Talk Questions
What makes you feel frustrated, angry, or annoyed?
What makes you feel disappointed, sad, or hurt?
What makes you feel afraid, worried, or scared?
What makes you feel sorry, embarrassed, or ashamed?
What do you wish, want, or need?
What do you appreciate, understand, or trust?

Take about ninety seconds to answer each of the six questions and share whatever comes up. If the question is about feelings of anger, but feelings of sadness arise, then talk about what makes you sad, but do take a moment to consider what makes you angry

This is how a Venus Talk should go:

1. He reads the first question.

2. She shares but does not complain about him. At no time is he to offer her advice, suggest something for her to say, apologize, or promise to do something. He doesn’t try to fix or correct her while she becomes completely transparent about the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that are giving rise to her stress. (She only talks about the stress at her job or activities that have nothing to do with him.)

3.After about ninety seconds, he says “thank you,” and then asks her the next question.

4. If she stops talking before ninety seconds are up, he can say, “Thank you, tell me more.”

5. After a maximum of eight minutes of sharing negative feelings, even if she has more to say, she takes a couple of minutes to share her positive feelings and thank him. Then she goes in for a five-second hug. (In the beginning, when women have been suppressing their female side most of their life, they can only come up with two minutes of sharing. That is fine, but the goal is ten minutes.)

6. After the hug, they don’t talk but instead they immediately take some time apart. This frees him from his urge to offer solutions. It also frees her to notice how good it feels to be heard without interruptions or arguments. Sharing with her partner any thoughts, feelings, emotions, wishes, and wants that she held back from expressing at work for fear of being inappropriate, misunderstood, or rejected will bring her back to her female side. On an emotional level she is getting naked in front of her partner. Not only will she feel more feminine, but he will also feel more masculine.

The easiest way to be completely transparent and share feelings with your partner is to talk about problems that have nothing to do with your partner. This makes it clear you are not expecting him to change or take action to solve the problem you are talking about.

I suggest a five-second hug because most of the time, couples will hug but only briefly. By counting to five, it helps a man to remember to relax into the hug. If a woman is shedding a few tears then it should always be at least a five-second hug.

The Venus Talk is simple to describe but can be difficult for a woman to do if she is locked into her male side. Most women on their male side have great difficulty connecting with and then sharing their more vulnerable feelings. Men may also find it difficult because most men have difficulty listening with empathy to a woman’s feelings and not interrupting with solutions.

If a woman cooperates by opening up and sharing her feelings while her partner only listens, he will return to his male side and she will return to her female side. Most people do not realize that silently listening brings a man back to his male side, while sharing feelings brings a woman back to her female side.

It’s easy to find fault. It’s always going to be easy to find fault in our partners. We’re human. We make mistakes. And because we open our hearts to and find ourselves leaning on our partner’s for support, it can be VERY obvious when they screw something up, make a mistake, or let us down.
 
But what separates a dissatisfying relationship from a fulfilling one is looking past the fault and finding the loving intention. Squinting through your partner’s mistakes to see the love that is always present and then choosing to focus on that instead.
 
Let me give you an example from my relationship to show you exactly what I’m talking about.
 
Every Sunday I gift myself two-dozen roses from the farmer’s market. Perfecto, the flower farmer, gives me a standing deal: $18 for 25 long stem roses.
 
Anyway, this last Sunday morning I woke up exhausted, just flat out pooped. My honey was also exhausted from a busy week and he just wanted to sleep in and relax.
 
Here were my options:
 

Dear Lauren,
 
I don't feel comfortable talking to my boyfriend when I feel sad, because what's the point? He doesn't give me his full attention. And he gets really disturbed that I get angrier the longer he “listens.” It just seems like he doesn't know what to do or what to say. He's stuck in fix it mode.
 
I don't want our relationship to end, but it bothers him when I'm upset and can't talk about it. I’ve given up and don’t talk anymore.
 
-Liz
 
Hi Liz,
 
This is a very common scenario in a relationship. The reason he is so wildly uncomfortable with your upset is because he can’t relate to it in the way you’re doing it: You look crazy to him.

Hi Lauren! Thank you so much for all that you do. I’ve learned so much. My question is, what do you do if you’re dating a narcissist? Or in my case, a series of narcissists? It seems like every relationship I start, it’s all about what HE wants to do, or what HE wants to talk about, which is usually himself. I know I deserve more than that. What’s your advice when you’re dating a selfish man?
 
-Rena
 

Hi Rena,
 
Great question. In this blog I’m going to teach you how to tell the difference between a man you want to spend your time with and a man you don’t want to waste your time with - because at first glance these two types can look exactly the same – they can look, smell, sound and act like a “Narcissist.”
 
 

Hey Lauren!

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years. The first year was bliss, the second year was also bliss but with some insecurities thrown in. The one thing I have been insecure about recently is that I feel that my boyfriend and I don't talk enough. Does this mean he isn't right for me? Can we improve our communication? Is he getting bored with me? PLEASE HELP.

-Holly
 
Hey Holly,
 
Is it the END?
 
Right now, you are taking this silent treatment as a sign for “the end of days,” and it’s freaking you out. Is a lack of fluid and lively conversation a sign that it’s over between you? Maybe. But probably not!
 
Men and women view communication differently.

For women, talking and sharing is a form of intimacy. For men, talking is the tool they use to get a point across in order to achieve a goal or solve a problem. Men mainly get their dose of intimacy through touching, sex, and physically doing things for their woman.
 
 
The Communication Evolution
 
In the beginning of your relationship, conversation was easy because his goal was to woo you so that you would choose him to be your monogamous partner. That took some serious sweet talkin’ and some gettin’ to know ya time.
 
Now that he’s confident in his role, he can throw on some sweats, get comfy on the couch, and relax. He no longer sees the need to talk because his goal is accomplished.
 
 
3 key game-changing points of view
 
When you realize that men and women view and experience communication differently, it’s easy to wrap your head around these 3 key game-changing points of view.
 
POV #1. His silent treatment is not a sign that he doesn’t want to be intimate with you. It’s not a rejection. It just means he’s comfortable and confident in your relationship.
 
POV #2. Talking is not a priority for him like it is for you. He’s not going to get bored with you because you don’t talk “enough.” “Enough” to him are the words he needs in order to get a job done. Everything else is fluff. As long as he’s doing things for you physically, he’s taking care of his need for intimacy.
 
POV #3. It’s up to you to take responsibility for the need to communicate in your relationship. It’s not his need, so he’s not going to initiate action. It’s your need so it’s your job to initiate a change.
 
 
3 ways to immediately improve communication with your partner
 
Now that you know these 3 critical points of view, I can show you 3 ways to immediately improve communication with your partner.
 
1. The simplest way to elicit more conversation from your man is to change your question from, “How was your day?” to “What did you do today?”
 
The first question is asking him about his feelings and experience of the day. Women can talk for hours on this subject but a man usually limits his answer to one word, “good” “fine” or “okay.”
 
He’s not purposely being difficult. This question just doesn’t trigger a response in him.
 
You’ll notice a man rarely says, “bad.” This is because if a man’s day was bad, he’s not going to want to talk about it. Men have this amazing thing called an “off switch;” they’re actually capable of putting their unsolvable problems out of sight and out of mind. (I’m so jealous! I want one!)
 
If it’s a bad day and you interview him about the details, he’s going to resent you for bringing up an issue he had safely put away so that he could enjoy his time with you. (If you want to learn the suprising and counterintuitive way to support a man when he has a bad day, click HERE)
 
So instead of asking “How was your day” and getting that obnoxious one word answer or trying to interview him fishing for drama, ask him “What did you do today?”
 
This opens him up to all kinds of comfort zones. He knows the answer to this question. He knows what he did, where he went, what impossible problems he solved, what amazing feats of strength and honor he acted out. He likes showing his woman how smart, clever, strong and capable he is. He likes to answer this question.
 
Another simple word exchange is to change your question from, “How do you feel?” to “What do you think?”
 
I discuss this topic more in depth in my ebook Mars Venus Dating (for couples and singles) which you can get for FREE when you sign up for email updates at the bottom of this post!
 

2. Stimulate more communication by participating in projects and activities that you have in common.
 
This way you can inspire both of your intuitive communication styles. You can talk about your feelings, reactions, and experiences of the activity. He can talk about the problem solving aspects and the steps of action necessary to achieve the goal.
 
If he’s a little slow to start, feel free to prompt him with questions and ask him for his advice.
 
Here are 5 fun ideas of activities and projects you can share together:
 
1.     Take a class together. Yoga, art, improvisation, dance, cooking…
2.     Learn a new skill together. Photography, wine pairing, roasting your own coffee, playing guitar…
3.     Make a new challenging recipe once a week together.
4.     Plan a vacation together.
5.     DIY project in your house. Painting, refinishing, tiling, decorating, landscaping…
 
Tailor it to you and your sweetie’s likes and passions. You’ll find that these can inspire the both of you to talk in a natural and intuitive way. No one has to force anything.
 

3. The most impactful thing you can do to improve communication is to realize that the one who should be doing most of the talking is YOU.
 
Don’t feel bad or self-centered for it. Communication in a relationship is not meant to be tit for tat. In fact, I always warn talkative men to ensure that they never talk more then their woman.
 
A woman experiences intimacy through sharing her feelings, stories, and experiences but only when a man sits in front of her, looks her in the eyes, and really listens. She needs to feel heard.
 
If your dinner conversations are light, know that you are the one who should be doing the talking. That way you can give him the opportunity to listen and you can give your relationship a chance to strengthen and deepen it’s bond.
 
 
Doubt? Proof!
 
The other day I spent almost the whole day in front of the computer and I needed a break. I caught my sweetie right as he was about to lie down for a nap. Ugh, bad timing right?
 
But instead of leaving him alone, I said, “Love, would you go for a walk with me? I need to clear my mind and get away from the computer.” (Click here to learn why this request isn't needy or demanding.) 
 
He said, “But I was just about to lie down.”
 
I smiled real big, batted my eyelashes and said, “Please!”
 
He laughed, dutifully got up and said, “Sure.”
 
I observed our dynamic on the walk. We held hands. I asked, “How was your day?” He said, “Fine.” And for the next block we walked in silence.
 
Then I asked, “What did you do today?”
 
He launched into a play by play of his day that maybe took 3 minutes. Then, for the rest of the walk I talked. I talked and talked and then sometimes we were silent. I tried running him into things, he tried putting flowers and leaves in my hair. We played.
 
At the end of the walk I said, “Thank you so much! I feel so much better.”
 
He said, “Me too. I’m glad you made me go on this walk. I had a wonderful time.”
 
This wasn’t an accident.

By me talking and him listening, we had connected and were both rejuvenated by the mutual intimacy we felt. When a woman talks and expresses herself and in turn feels heard, not only is the relationship bond strengthened but a hormonal miracle occurs. It actually measurably lowers her stress levels and makes her feel good.

On the flip side, it measurably lowers stress levels in a man when he can be there for his woman and have her appreciate it.
 
So do what’s natural to you and talk your sweet little heart out. You’re both going to love it!
 
With love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!
 
I’ve given 3 suggestions to boost conversation in your relationship. Which one resonated with you the most? Which one will you try?
 
If you loved this article, please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends!
 
And if you want MORE awesome advice on love, sex, dating and relationships, sign up below for FREE email updates and a FREE copy of my awesome Ebook “Mars Venus Dating.” Xo!
 

The candles are lit and some romantic music is playing, but instead of fireworks in the bedroom, you find frustration. And it’s not because of the music. When couples experience a lack of libido or sexual dysfunction in the bedroom, it can create a tremendous amount of stress in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Some men between the ages of 40 and 55 can begin to have trouble getting an erection when the moment is otherwise perfect. This is a sign of declining testosterone levels. 

Low testosterone levels have been closely linked to many severe health conditions, like heart disease, obesity, diabetes, hypertension and stroke. As with most life-threatening health conditions, the symptoms are often smaller in the beginning. As testosterone begins declining, it can trigger several quality of life issues like increased fatigue, irritability, depression, lack of focus, poor memory, reduced muscle mass and strength, more body fat and, often the most troubling for men, a loss of libido and fewer spontaneous erections.


Sex Over 40

Your sex life does not stop at 40. The drive is still there. You just need the right fuel.

Men are often prescribed medications that treat erectile dysfunction. The most popular medications, like Cialis (tadalafil) and Viagra (sildenafil), increase blood flow to the penis to help it grow into a healthy erection. And they work.

Unfortunately the side effects can be severe. The more common side effects of Cialis are heartburn, indigestion, belching and stomach discomfort. Viagra comes with the common side effects of diarrhea, headaches, and muscle pain. 

Fortunately, there are natural alternatives that can be just as helpful without these side effects.

My favorite thing is called Tonkat Ali.


What Is Tonkat Ali?

Eurycoma Longifolia Jack is a tall shrub tree which is found in the lush rain forests of Thailand. The most common name of the shrub is Tonkat Ali, which translates to “Ali’s Walking Stick,” but it is also called Pasak Bumi or Long Jack.

Tonkat Ali helps increase testosterone in the blood. It is not a testosterone replacement, nor does is directly increase testosterone. 

Other products that either replace or stimulate high levels of testosterone have all kinds of side effects. When people use testosterone creams or take hormones to boost their testosterone levels, it can cause their bodies to produce less natural testosterone and eventually none at all. Testosterone replacements can also boost your testosterone levels higher than you may need. As a consequence, excess testosterone turns into estrogen, which can turn into belly fat.


Beyond The Bedroom

Tonkat Ali has gained interest among athletes and people who exercise too. Research has shown that eurycoma longifolia increases energy production in the body by increasing ATP (Adenosine triphosphate).

ATP is responsible for nearly all the energy production in the body. During heavy exercise, we can use up our ATP faster than we can replace it, so we become fatigued. By increasing ATP, overall energy and vitality are increased. Studies on humans show that Tonkat Ali supplements increase ATP by creating a favorable anabolic state (building up), while suppressing the catabolic state (breaking down) of muscles.

It’s always good to start slowly with any new supplement. For Tonkat Ali, I suggest starting with 1 capsule each day in the morning for five days and then take two days off. After 7-10 days, start taking 2 capsules each day in the morning for 5 days and continue to take 2 days off. This mimics the natural rise and fall of testosterone in the body. You should notice a difference in your body, brain and the bedroom after a week of taking two each day.

Hi Lauren,
 
I’m friends with this guy and we really get along.  Last week we somehow ended up in bed together. It felt comfortable and natural. What’s bothering me now is that he’s been acting differently towards me ever since. He used to text me all the time and now he never texts me unless I text him first. He seems like he isn’t interested in maintaining our relationship anymore and I’m not sure why. We had fun. Why is he acting so different?
 
-Sonia
 
Hi Sonia, I totally get your confusion. You had fun together as friends, you had even more fun together having sex and now it seems like he doesn’t want to continue having fun with you. How does that make any sense?
 

Don’t kid yourself: Sex changes everything
 
Here’s the deal. You didn’t just try a new fun activity like kayaking or paper mache; you had sex. Once you have sex with someone, people act differently. That’s just how it goes. Male, female, young, old, casual or serious, sex changes everything.
 
It can make you feel really insecure when this happens. “Does he like me? Does he not like me? Is he interested? Are we together? Will I ever see him again? Did I do something wrong? What the heck happened?”
 
Some people hang out in those questions for weeks! But with this blog today I’m about to save you serious time and heartache. (You’re welcome)
 
Once you’re prepared with rock-solid MarsVenus understanding, you can say goodbye to this torturous line of questions and simply communicate your way to clarity.
 
Sound good? Let’s start with understanding.
 
 
How SEX affects Women
 
I know it’s cliché and it’s not always true but women tend to feel greater neediness after sex. If it’s not great sex, then this cliché falls apart. But if it’s good sex and a woman relaxes into it, enjoys it, and orgasms, the cliché tends to hold.
 
This is because of the bonding hormone: Oxytocin. During (good) sex, oxytocin builds and releases causing you to bond more deeply with your partner.
 
This chemical bond is what fuels women to sit by the phone thinking about the guy, waiting for a call or text. It’s not flattering, but it is hormones. The better the sex, the deeper the bond, the greater the “need.”
 
 
How SEX affects Men
 
In a funny twist of fate, men have a tendency NOT to call or text after sex. This is because men tend to pull away after sex.
 
During sex, oxytocin increases, which has the effect of lowering testosterone. When a man’s testosterone levels decrease, he feels a great need to pull away and may even lose interest for a while.
 
As his testosterone levels rebuild, his interest returns. Your guy may be calling you at this point as his interest or libido returns.
 
Or he may sense your “neediness,” your wanting more from him, and he may pull away further IF he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and senses that you might.
 
 
The Chicken or the Egg: Where is this relationship going??!
 
“Where is this relationship going???” You wonder.
 
This is a bit of a chicken or the egg scenario. Which comes first: Sex? Or clarity around what sex means to your relationship?
 
Did you ask him if he wanted to be more than friends with you? Did you talk about your intentions for a relationship?
 
99.9% of the time, people don’t have this conversation. They’re friends, they hang out, they flirt, and then suddenly, somehow, they end up in bed together. Only in the next few days, do they start to wonder about what it meant.
 
If you ask questions about where the relationship is going after the fact, specifically when a man pulls away, he tends to get very uncomfortable and withdraws even further. In this case, wait until he comes back looking for a connection, then you can get more of a sense of where this relationship is going.
 
But ultimately, in order to avoid sticky misunderstandings, it’s best to talk intentions around sex before you actually have sex, especially if you like the person.
 
 
The “Sex talk” couples SHOULD have but don’t
 
Is this a one-nighter, fun in the moment, kind of encounter? No strings attached type of play?
 
Or is this person someone you might want to pursue a relationship with?
 
Either way, whether you’re a man or a woman, it’s best to communicate your intentions and make sure you’re both on the same page before you have sex.
 
Here are a couple scripts I wrote to inspire you. I’ve used them both in my single days and they’re very effective.
 
Casual hook up: “Hey, so, just to be totally transparent, I want to make sure we’re on the same page, I’m not looking for anything serious right now or any kind of commitment or relationship. I just want to have fun and tonight I’m having a lot of fun. Cool?”
 
If he’s cool with casual, awesome! You’re on the same page and tomorrow won’t be awkward.
 
If he’s not cool with casual and wants more – he get’s to know for sure your intentions are just to have fun and he shouldn’t expect more. He’ll probably still want to have sex with you anyway. He’ll just know he needs to adjust his expectations.
 
(This same script can be used by men with women as well.)
 
Interested in more: “Hey, so, I’m having a really good time tonight. And before we go any further, I just want to make sure we’re on the same page. I’m really enjoying spending time with you. I don’t want tonight to be a one time thing; I’d like to continue hanging out and getting to know you better. Is that something you’re interested in too?
 
If he’s interested in more, awesome! You know you’re on the same page and tomorrow won’t be awkward.
 
If he’s not interested in more and only wants something casual, he gets to say that and you get to decide whether you still want to have sex with him.
 
(This same script can be used by men with women as well.)
 
Sex changes everything but hormones aren’t the boss of all things. You get to decide exactly how you want to play this. If you want to try being happy with casual sex, I have some suggestions…
 
 
How [many] women can be happy with casual sex
 
Many women can totally be happy with casual sex! Women can be fulfilled by a fling. There’s no one way to do this relationship thing. However, to facilitate this being a positive experience, it’s good to have this awareness:
 
For women, bonding increases with sex.
 
This just means that a casual sex scenario can potentially set you up to feel hurt or disappointed. So to protect your heart, it’s important to remind yourself of what this connection is: it’s casual friendly sex.

Your hormones will tell you that you want more and more. Your mind needs to counter these messages with your own logic and understanding.
 
The moment your logic can’t talk you out of wanting more is the moment you need to either take the relationship to the next level or stop hooking up so that you can get that kind of commitment you desire, elsewhere.
 
Always check in with yourself: What does this sex mean to me?

Because it always means something.
 
With love,
Lauren
 
 
Now I want to hear from you!

Can you relate? Have you experienced sex changing a relationship? Leave a comment.
 
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And if you want MORE amazing and practical insights on dating and relationships, sign up below for FREE email updates and a FREE copy of my awesome Ebook “Mars Venus Dating.” Xo!
 

Dear Lauren,
 
My ex-girlfriend said that she did not love me nor was she attracted to me. But we were together for six months! She made the first move on our first date, she would always initiate PDA's: kissing, touching, even arousing me in cabs, restaurants, the park... She expressed interest in sex but we never went through with it. But tell me, how is it that you can get so close to someone physically and claim to have neither attraction nor feelings? I am still nursing my broken heart after she dumped me on Christmas morning last year. I am still at a loss to understand this whole thing.
 
-Derek

 
Hi Derek,
 
The 2 most common things that get in the way of true love
 
Falling in love is not a perfect system. Many times people approach love and relationships from a place of insecurity and eagerness: insecurity that they are not worthy of love and eagerness to find that perfect someone. There are two blaring problems with this.
 

Dear Lauren,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He tells me he loves me like he’s never loved any girl, but he just can’t commit and he doesn’t know why. It’s so confusing…for both of us!

I’m very clingy, a bit insecure too, and sometimes I check his phone or try to mother him, but he says that’s not the problem. That the problem is him, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get over it. I tried ultimatums but they don’t work. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I accused him of wanting to keep me around because of sex, and he suggested we stop having sex to prove to me that that isn’t what he wants. What’s going on?

-Erika


Hi Erika,

Let’s talk about:

How NOT to get a guy to commit to you:

Lady, you’ve got to cool it with the tests and the ultimatums.  This is out of control. In your question alone I counted 6 major red flags! 

-Clingy
-Insecure
-Jealous
-Mothering
-Manipulative
-Accusing

He might say you’re not the problem and he may be blind to that fact that you are because he loves you so much, but I will tell you straight that your actions are driving him away!

No matter how amazing the guy is, this behavior will push him away.


You’re doing things in the wrong order.

I’m not saying you need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love. It’s okay to make mistakes. And it’s natural for a relationship to bring you face to face with all your insecurities.

This can be an extremely healing experience where you confront and process old fears so that you can move on from them. In this way, a relationship can actually support you to step into your full potential.

Or, if left unchecked, these insecurities can suck the life and love out of a relationship. Here’s how:

When we feel insecure in a relationship, we often have thoughts like:

Dear Lauren,

When something upsets my boyfriend or when anything upsets me, we feel responsible for each other. For example, if he gets upset about some incident, I feel guilty like it is somehow my fault when in fact I had nothing to do with it! It’s the same with him, if he sees me upset, he feels down. What do we do in this case? Is this normal? 

-Carrie

Dear Carrie,

I think it is totally normal! It’s natural for human beings, no matter what their gender, to suffer in the face of suffering. It’s hard to watch someone you love in pain and feel powerless to do something about it.


The Dark Intimacy Addiction and How to Break It

Just because it’s natural doesn’t mean it’s good for you, your partner or your relationship. In fact, if you feel bad because he feels bad and he feels bad because you feel bad then, well, where does it stop?!

Your experience and definition of love is now all tied up into feeling BAD. For many couples, this becomes a bit of an intimacy addiction. They create drama in their lives in order to feel intimate with their partner.

You don’t want to perpetuate that dysfunctional dynamic. You want to release yourself of the cycle and the pain. Which is exactly what you’re asking about.

In order to release the pain, we have to let go of the feeling of being powerless. Once you get clear on what you realistically can and cannot do, you don’t have to suffer along with your partner because suddenly you aren’t so powerless.

The truth is: no person can make another person happy. What we are capable of is helping our partners find happiness.

And I’ll show you how to do that in this blog. Keep reading!

 
3 Reasons Why Your Loving Instincts are Screwing You Out of a Happy Relationship

When you're unhappy, you find solace and comfort in talking about your feelings. After a good long kvetch a woman almost always feels better! 

So you naturally encourage him to do the same. Because if he talks about it, he’ll feel better, right?

Wrong!

When a man is forced to talked about his upset feelings and complain, it actually has the opposite effect. It makes him wallow in his issues and preserve the bad feelings.  (Click here to learn what you can ask a man about in order to get him talking and sharing.)

When YOU are unhappy you want to surround yourself with people who will listen sympathetically. After all, that is the proper way to show someone love and support…on Venus.

To a man, however, your concern translates to your distrust in him to take care of himself. Your lack of faith can lead to one of three things:

Dear Lauren,
 
So I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time and he got really weird after that. Why does he think that saying I love you means "Lets get married" and a major commitment? Not simply, I love you, which is how I meant it.
 
-Chiara
 
Asking the RIGHT question
 
Hi Chiara! Great question. In fact, I love it! You know why?
 
Most people ask the question, “When should you say I love you in a relationship?” Or even, “Who should say I love you first in a relationship?”
 
To answer those real quick:
 
When: You should say "I love you" when you’re bursting with the feeling and your heart is so big it’s going to burst if you don’t share it with them.
 
Who: Whoever is going to burst first. ;-)
 
The real question we should be asking is, HOW? How do you say "I love you" first without freaking out your partner? How do you say "I love you" first so that it takes your relationship to the next level?! That’s what I’m going to show you today. Because once you know HOW, you don't have to stress about the When or the Who. That's just about following your heart.

 
What “I love you” REALLY means
 
Your man wouldn’t be the first person to misunderstand those three magic words and he won’t be the last. Just because you understand “I love you” to mean one thing, doesn’t mean he’ll have the same interpretation.
 
Everyone has their own history with these words, which can influence what meaning they choose to attach to the phrase.
 
In addition to their own life experience, they’ve also been exposed to love stories, movies, and books, which have idealized and romanticized love to the point where it can be intimidating and a little scary at first glance.
 
This might seem bizarre. After all, love is a soft, cuddly thing, right? What is there to be afraid of?
 
 
Why love makes people get “ALL WEIRD”
 
Saying “I love you” is supposed to be an epically romantic moment. Unfortunately, that expectation only makes it even more devastating when you announce your true feelings and your partner gets “all weird” about it.
 
Why do they get weird?
They’re scared.
 
What are they afraid of?
Expectations. And they come in three forms.

 
“I Love You” Expectation #1:
 
There is an expectation that if you say “I love you,” he has to say “I love you too.” And he may not be ready to say that to you yet.
 
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it too. It just means he hasn’t come to own those words yet. Love isn’t an exact science. There’s no mile-marker that says, “You have reached this point; you are officially in love with this woman.” He has to come to it in his own way in his own time.
 
 
“I Love You” Expectation #2:
 
Even though it may be unfounded, there is an expectation of a greater commitment (ie: marriage). “I love you” may not translate to “I do” but it can feel like you’re signing a binding contract anyway.
 
Most of the time in a relationship you’re in the moment, having fun and enjoying your time with each other. Somehow when the word “love” gets introduced, you get tunnel vision straight to the future. The expectation is that love leads to marriage, which leads to kids. If you’re not ready for this kind of commitment then it usually leads to, “OMG I have to spend the rest of my life with this person?! I’m not ready to be a dad!!!”
 
Thanks tunnel vision for totally blowing this out of proportion. ;-)
 
 
“I Love You” Expectation #3:
 
The closer you get to someone, the more power you hand them; they have the power to make you unbelievably happy and the power to break your heart. When you say “I love you” you’re giving him your heart, trusting he’s worthy of that gift. There is now an expectation that he will take care of and cherish your heart, never hurting it, never bruising it, never making a mistake.
 
That is a BIG responsibility. And it doesn’t matter how big, tough and strong the man may be, if he cares for you then he’s going to be terrified of one thing: letting you down.
 
You’ve been happy so far which means he’s been successful so far. Making a woman happy is the most fulfilling thing for a man in a relationship.
 
But when he hears you say the words “I love you” for the first time, he feels the weight of a whole new host of ways he could potentially hurt, disappoint, or let you down.
 
It’s not your feelings of affection that scare him; it’s the fact that you’ve reached a point in the relationship where he could hurt you real bad if he screws up, leaves or can’t provide for you.
 
 
How to say “I LOVE YOU” without freaking out your partner:
 
Yes. There are lots of scary things about love, imagined and real. But just because you now understand how your words can be misinterpreted, doesn’t mean you should stifle your feelings or keep them from your partner.
 
There is a way to tell someone you love them without putting them in a position where they feel uncomfortable or afraid of expectations that don’t exist.
 
Here is the real-life letter I personally wrote to my boyfriend when I told him “I love you” for the very first time. It demonstrates three key phrases that will ease your partner’s mind and clarify your intentions.
 

Collagen is the glue that holds your body together

After water, it is the most common substance in your body. It’s mainly found in your muscles, bones, skin and tendons, but collagen is also found in your blood vessels, digestive tract, heart, eyes, gallbladder, kidneys and bladder.

Your collagen levels go down as you get older. Collagen production in the body slows around age 20 and after age 20, only one percent of collagen is produced in the skin each year. Other factors, like diets high in sugar, smoking and sun exposure, also contribute to depleting collagen levels. That can add up over the years.

When your body doesn’t have enough collagen, the skin starts to thin, wrinkle and sag. Hair gets lifeless or limp, and tendons and ligaments aren’t as elastic as they use to be. Your joints can feel stiff and creaky, too.

Adding collagen to your diet is easy and can help boost collagen levels in the body to support healthy tendons, ligaments and joints. It gives your skin strength and elasticity, and helps replace dead skin cells. Many people try to improve their skin with lotions and potions from the outside, but a high quality collagen protein can support healthy skin from the inside out. Additionally, collagen protein supplements can help improve your metabolism, boost your energy levels and maintain muscle mass.


Collagen is Dairy Free and Gluten Free Protein

Collagen is a great way to add protein to your diet that is dairy free, gluten free and easily digestible.

Collagen is a protein made up from amino acids, including the amino acids proline, glycine, glutamine and arginine.

Proline shrinks fat in your arteries by helping your artery walls release fat buildup in the bloodstream.

Glycine helps your cells function properly and builds healthy DNA strands. It’s also one of three amino acids that form creatine, which promotes healthy muscle growth and boosts energy production during workouts.

I also like to look for collagen supplements that include taurine and l-carnitine. Taurine is an antioxidant that supports the heart, liver and brain and energy function as well as endurance. L-carnitine further supports energy metabolism.


Five Big Benefits of Collagen

1. Better Skin
Increasing collagen levels can renew and repair your skin cells to make your skin look firmer and feel smoother. Extra collagen also helps reduce stretch marks and cellulite. As you age and your skin loses its elasticity and becomes thinner, cellulite becomes more evident. Cellulite is a result of fatty tissues pushing up through fibers in the skin’s upper layer. Collagen helps reduce the dimpling on your skin by repairing and rebuilding those fibers that cause cellulite to show.

2. More Flexible
When you lose collagen, your tendons and ligaments become more stiff and your joints can feel swollen. Collagen strengthens your ligaments and tendons to help your joints move more easily by reducing joint pain and the risk of joint deterioration.

3. Leaky Gut
Collagen helps break down proteins and adds helpful amino acids to the damaged cell walls in your gut’s lining. Collagen also helps your gut's lining and muscle tissues absorb water to keep things moving freely in the digestive tract.

4. Boosts Energy
Collagen canhelp increase your energy and metabolism. The gylcine that is found in collagen helps pump sugar into your body’s tissue. This helps you maintain and build muscle mass. Plus, it increases your energy levels and endurance.

5. Stronger Hair, Nails and Teeth
Collagen is the building block of your hair, fingernails and teeth. If your nails are peeling or splitting, or your hair feels limp and lifeless, then a lack of collagen could be to blame. Collagen can help keep your nails strong and your teeth healthy.


What To Do

One way to increase collagen consumption is by making a bone broth, such as a chicken bone broth. As the bones simmer for hours or days, they break down to into gelatin and release collagen in an easy-to-absorb broth. Bone broth was one of the first foods used as medical treatment in ancient China.

Dear Lauren,
 
I love your blogs. They’ve helped me so much. My question is: my boyfriend moved in with me about two months ago. Both of us have been living on our own for more than 10 years, and for me, I get upset when I see his bad-living-together habits creeping into my space. How do I keep it at a minimum without making living with me miserable for him? Thank you Lauren for your advice!! Xxoo.
 
- Natasha
 
Hi Natasha!
 
Great question. I remember when I moved in with my partner, it was a really big adjustment. Going from living on your own in your own space to living together is a big transition and most couples go through some drama figuring it out.
 
So now that you know this is totally normal, let’s dive in to a solution!
 

Flip the Script from STOP to START
 
You say you want to keep his “bad living-together habits” at a minimum without having him be miserable with you.
 
The answer lies in flipping the script. What kind of opportunities, strategies and options reveal themselves when we change the question from a negative to a positive?
 
For ex: Instead of “How do I keep his bad habits at a minimum without having HIM be miserable with ME?”
 
How about, “How do I nurture good habits so that we both really enjoy living together? What can we START doing to make this relationship great?”
 
Try saying that question out loud and seeing how it feels. It’s a subtle but extremely powerful shift in the way you approach both your relationship and your problem solving.
 
If it’s in the negative, how can I get him to STOP __________________. Then the only solutions that reveal themselves have to do with limiting his freedom in some way, controlling him, criticizing him, or making him wrong.
 
You’re not a task master; you’re a creative and nurturing being. Go with your talents.
 

Go with your talents
 
You know in your heart that the task master approach will never be effective; it doesn’t feel loving, if feels…icky.  Which is why you feel helpless in the face of his “bad habits.” Feeling helpless is the breeding ground for neediness and resentment. This is the dark side of the force and no one’s happy: not you, not him, nobody.
 
But when you flip the script from STOP to START, you’re tapping into your feminine magic: the part of you that is infinitely creative and naturally nurturing.
 

#3: He puts empty cereal boxes back in the pantry.
 
Taskmaster: "Why would you put back an empty cereal box? I went to eat cereal and there’s nothing there. If you had put it on the list, I could’ve gotten some when I was at the store yesterday. Now I have to go back and I’m hungry. What were you thinking?"
 
Feminine Magic: "Honey, I’m craving cereal but all I see in the pantry is an empty box. Would you run to the store and get me some? Thanks. And for future, it’s really helpful for me if you leave the box out so I know it’s empty or put it on the grocery list so I can get some more. I’d really appreciate that."
 
 
Depending on how you’ve spoken to him in the past or his past experiences with his mother or ex girlfriends, he may get a little defensive or look a little beaten up. In this case, you can lighten the mood by flashing him a smile, kissing him on the cheek, and/or saying:
 
“I know living with girl is a little more effort but I hear the perks are worth it. ;-) I love living with you.”
 
And leave it at that.
 
Men really respond well to this particular feminine magic. The winning combination of creativity and nurturing sets him up for success. There is a way to genuinely enjoy living together and this is the path forward.
 
Flip the script from Stop to Start, go with your talents and if you’re still having trouble, hop on a Skype call with me and I’ll coach you through some new and tailor-made strategies just for you and your sweetie. 
 
With love, 

 

Hey Lauren,
 
I've been involved with someone for about 6 months and when I say involved we are not boyfriend/girlfriend but we spend a good amount of time together and we are having sex. She's a full time student and doesn’t have a lot of free time. I'm just working right now so I have more free time than her. Lately, with finals coming up and school being crucial right now, I haven't seen her in almost 3 weeks. I'm fine with time apart, totally fine, as long as I know she's only seeing me. I've just been a little worried that she's interested in someone else and maybe spending time with them. Any advice?
 
-Eddie
 
 
Hi Eddie,
 

#1 rule of the ambiguous relationship
 
I understand ambiguous relationships: those relationships that fit somewhere between boyfriend and girlfriend and casual friends with benefits. I’ve been there. I’ve navigated those muddy waters and I’ve learned a lot.
 
#1 rule of the ambiguous relationship is that you’re not allowed to get jealous: you don’t have the right to.
 
Part of not having the responsibility of being in a monogamous commitment is that you don’t have the comforting security of one either. She is free to spend time with whomever she wants and can choose to be intimate with whomever she wants. She doesn’t owe you anything.
 
 
Why she’s blowing you off
 
She’s probably blowing you off because she’s busy with school.
 
The freedom to have alone time to counter the stress of being busy may be the reason she's only been interested in an ambiguous relationship up to this point and not a committed one. Since you aren’t in a committed relationship, spending time with you is not a high priority for her.
 
But I also think, pursuing another relationship is even less of a priority. I really wouldn’t worry.
 
Lets just play around with your options in case she is seeing someone else. At this time, you’re not in a position to demand her to see you and only you. But since you are in a sexual relationship, you are in a position to ask if she has any other sexual partners.
 
*Make sure this request doesn’t come from a jealous or needy place. You’re just asking for information.
 
Just as you are within your rights to ask your partner to be tested for STDs, it’s also within your rights to know the risk you’re at by knowing how many people your partner is currently intimate with. It’s your body and your health at stake.

The best way to make one of these “in between” relationships work is full disclosure, both ways.
 
 
#2 or get off the pot (you can’t just save a seat)
 
Now let’s explore your options if she is pursuing a relationship with another man.
 
This is the time to get clear on what you want. You can’t just keep her around to enjoy for yourself but not let anyone else enjoy her either. She’s not a seat you can save, she’s another freaking PERSON!
 
You need to decide how important she is to you.

It’s great that you’ve been able to carry along so casually but eventually feelings get involved.  If you find you start to develop feelings for her and your heart aches at the thought of her being with any other man but you, then it’s time to step up your game.
 
You’re fine with time apart and you’re cool to keep it casual. Great. So is she. But by not showing your interest, you leave her wide open to any guy who does. Because it doesn’t matter how much she likes you, she is going to choose the man who goes the extra mile to make her happy: the man who puts in the most effort and truly sweeps her off her feet.
 
 
Is it the beginning or the end?
 
If you reflect on your feelings for her and come to the conclusion that you’d like her to be your one and only, then it's time to put your best foot forward: be chivalrous, kind, considerate, and thoughtful, plan actual dates (outside of the bedroom) and show her you’re interested and serious about pursuing her.
 
At some point in the near future you might think about asking her to be in an exclusive relationship with you and pursue a greater commitment to one another. She may not be available for such a thing right now but it might give her something to think about. Especially if you can promise to be as undemanding of her time as you’ve been so far.
 
If she’s not that important to you and the only thing that hurts when you think of her with another man is your ego, then let her go.

Ambiguous relationships don’t last forever. Relationships either begin for real or they end.
 
With love,
Lauren
 

Dear Lauren,
 
When my boyfriend and I get into a fight he remains withdrawn for the rest of the day and isn’t as affectionate as he usually is. I can’t help but worry I’ve ruined things and he’s having doubts about us.
 
I feel desperate for reassurance that we’ll be okay. I ask him to say something nice to make me feel better.  He tells me he loves me and we’ll be fine, but can I trust that what he’s saying is truly how he feels?  He still seems so distant and cold. Am I going to push him away by my need for reassurance? 
 
-Jennifer

 

What is a Microbiome?

The human microbiome is a complex ecosystem made up of of bacteria, fungi, viruses, and protozoa living on your skin and in your mouth, nose, throat, lungs, stomach and intestines. It varies from person to person based on diet, health history, geographic location, and even ancestry.

This human microbiome consists of more than 100 trillion microbes that must be properly balanced and cared for to stay healthy. In fact, For every one of your cells, there are 10 microbial cells living on or inside your body, helping your body to perform life-sustaining functions.

Less than ten years ago, the species of bacteria that scientists had discovered as indigenous cohabitants of the human body numbered only 200. Now researchers estimate that more than 10,000 different microbial species occupy our microbiome. They are also realizing how critical the health of our microbiome is to every aspect of our wellness.

Some of these microbes, called symbiotic bacteria, are helpful to you and others, which we call pathogens, are just waiting for an opportunity make you sick and cause disease. What scientists have recently come to understand is that this army of microbes makes up 70 percent of your immune system, helping your body’s natural killer T-cells know the difference between the symbiotic bacteria and pathogens.

So a balanced microbiome helps protect against pathogen invasion, but it also helps the development of your entire immune system by detoxifying your body, keeping your weight balanced, and optimizing nutrition.


Stress Disrupts Your Microbiome

Chronic stress has been shown to cause changes in the composition, diversity, and number of microorganisms in your gut, which reduces your microbiome’s ability to protect you. Research in mice found that an increase in stress resulted in an increase of harmful bacteria and in a reduction of microbial diversity.  Further studies have also shown that mental stress can slow down movement in your small intestine, which encourages the overgrowth of harmful bacteria and compromises the intestinal lining.

Serotonin is associated with a sense of optimism, comfort and support - which are all the things we need to cope with stress. However, if you don't have the nutritional support to make enough serotonin, then it's less likely you will ever feel like you are receiving enough support or have an optimistic outlook on life. And, most likely, you are stressed out and unhappy.

When you are stressed, your body is in fight-or-flight mode, as if it was being chased by a bear. This can cause you to choose high carbohydrate, high sugar foods for more quick energy but very little nutritional support. It can also cause you to gain weight because if you are looking to carbohydrates and sugars for energy, then your body is not burning your fat for energy - as it should - and you hold onto the fat in your body.

When you are stressed, your body can also stop making enough hydrochloric acid to fully digest your the proteins in your food. When you don't fully digest your proteins, you are unable to convert the proteins to peptides, which are precursors for creating dopamine and serotonin.

It's a bad relationship. You use up serotonin faster when you are under stress but the stress also makes it harder for your body to make serotonin.

It's harder to create serotonin because your microbiome is out of balance. If your stomach reduces its production of hydrochloric acid due to stress, then undigested food can reach your intestines. This can cause tremendous inflammation and a conditon called leaky gut syndrome. Plus, the sugary foods help to create an acidic environment, which is breeding ground for pathogens and an unbalanced microbiome.

Why is Valentine’s Day like going to the Dentist? Why would I imply such a detestable thing when I’m a lover of love and I teach relationships for a living?
 
Great questions.
 
I have NOTHING against Valentine’s Day. I LOVE Valentine's Day! But maybe not for the reasons you think. I don’t love Valentine’s Day because it’s a day where we practice romance and buy things for each other and say, “I love you.”
 
I love Valentine's Day because it’s like going to the Dentist.
 
You know how when you see a Dentist appointment coming up on your calendar, you suddenly start making the effort to floss?
 
That’s because when we’re lying back in that luxurious, rock hard, plastic covered, chair of torture, the first thing the Dentist asks is, “Hmm…and are we flossing?”
 
You don’t want to be the shmuck who say’s, “No.”
 
In the moment when our teeth are under that bright light and there’s nowhere to hide, excuses are cheap. We wish we had spent more nights flossing and less nights forgetting.
 
The truth is we cannot and will not get the results we want at the dentist, if we’re not tending to our teeth at home on a daily basis. Going to the dentist is a call to action – it puts the fire under our ass to do the work that it takes to have great teeth and avoid things like fillings, crowns, and root canals. Oh my!
 
Valentine's Day is a call to action – it puts the fire under our ass to do the tending it takes to have a great relationship and avoid things like resentment, indifference, and fighting, oh my.
 
Whether we have the best Valentine's day and it motivates us to prioritize romance even more or whether we have a disappointing Valentine's day that makes us realize – “Hey, maybe I haven’t been tending to this relationship the way it needs” – either way it’s a call to action.
 
Valentine's Day isn’t a “test” to succeed at or fail and move on. It’s a reminder to tend to your relationship. You get to decide whether or not you’re going to answer the call to action and make your relationship and your partner a priority in your life.
 
Does this mean you need to go out to big fancy dinners all the time or buy each other expensive gifts or hide love poems around the house everyday? NO! Let’s look back at the dentist metaphor for some shiny clarity:
 
A great smile doesn’t just come from expensive and high maintenance dentistry, it comes from doing the daily tending like brushing your teeth, rinsing and flossing.
 
Your relationship doesn’t need grand expensive gestures all the time to thrive, it needs daily tending like kissing, hugging, talking about your day and being present with the one you love.
 
And that’s why Valentine’s Day is just like going to the Dentist. And I love that. It’s a call to action. It reminds us to tend to what is important to us.
 
So, what’s important to you?
 
With love,
Lauren
 

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Dear Lauren,
 
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 ½ years. Everything is great until he pulls away, he either wants to be alone or he wants to spend time with his friends. Every time he pulls away, I get super needy. I tell him I need him to stay home, I need him to listen to me, I need his attention.
 
I know I should let him to go out and be a “cool” girlfriend but I can’t help it. I just go into demanding crying mode and I need him to care more. He gets mad at me when I say that stuff and leaves anyway. I hate it. Can you please help?
 
-Sandra
 

Hi Sandra,
 
Great question! So many women struggle with this in their relationships. I’m so excited to share with you how your “needy” problem can actually be the oh-so-practical solution your relationship needs. Stick around. ;-)
 

Being “needy” isn’t pretty. But it’s also not a character flaw.
 
Being “needy” isn’t the most flattering feeling. No one likes feeling “needy.” I get it.
 
And yet, many women relate to this overwhelming emotion in their relationships. They can be totally badass and self-sufficient in the workplace and then when it comes to their relationships, they suddenly feel “needy.”
 
This isn’t because women are “weak” and they can’t survive without the constant loving attention of a man.
 
The truth is when a person connects with a need that isn’t being met and feels deprived of a way to meet that need, it’s a natural and human response to feel “needy.”  
 
It’s the same type of demanding sensation you get when you’re hungry; until that need is satisfied, you’re going to feel temporarily obsessed. You may even feel a little crazy. This is because there’s a real need and you’re not sure if it’s going to be met.
 
This isn’t a character flaw. It’s not a weakness. It also, isn’t your partner’s fault.
 
 
Your “problem” might be the solution...
 
The three main problems I heard in your question are:
 

Dear Lauren,
 
I want to understand my boyfriend and save my long distance relationship. I’m not sure if I want to be with him, because sometimes I think I can’t live without him, and sometimes I don’t want to deal with his ignorant behavior. He doesn’t even text me or call me. When I ask him why he doesn’t pay attention to me, he says he’s busy and he forgets. Frankly, I don’t feel like I’m asking too much. I don’t want to run after him, I want him to go after me. How can I restore his previous passionate attitude toward me and make this long distance relationship work?
 
-Dyane
 

Dear Dyane,

Long distance RE-ALITY check
 
You say “you can’t live without him” but you’re also sick of putting up with his Bad Boyfriend Behavior.
 
I get it. Sounds like the old adage: “Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.” And there’s nothing charming about the tragedy of being between a rock and hard place. This, of course, is what LONG DISTANCE often feels like for couples.
 
For some life-reason (work, school, family) you need to live in different locations; but you love each other and you want to be a couple. You can’t physically be together which leaves you with two less-than-ideal options:
 
Do you split or just split the difference?
 
Many in-love couples decide to split the difference and try for a long distance relationship. But just because long distance relationships are common doesn’t mean they’re easy. For most of us, they’re not. It’s do-able but it’s a real challenge.
 
So, in order to strengthen your will power for the days ahead, you need to get clear: are you going to split because it’s hard or are you going to TRY to split the difference, knowing that it’s less-than-ideal and it’s not going to feel as perfect as if you lived in the same area?
 
If you’re ready to put your best foot forward and commit to trying this LDR thing, then I’ve got 3 Love Hacks that are going to help rekindle the passion and make your long distance relationship work.
 
 
Love Hack #1: Enjoy the “extra!”
 
Remember when you used to be single? Go back in time for a minute.
 
How did you take care of your needs then? Did you spend a lot of time with friends and family? Did you learn a new skill every month: how to crochet, play the ukulele and/or paint a sunset? Did you volunteer at your local pet rescue center?
 
How did you make yourself happy without a man?
 
Being in love is awesome. I often describe my relationship as “pure luxury:” supporting, comfy, relaxing, fun; it’s easy to be happy around him. But the danger lies in when we become TOO dependent on our partners to make us happy. When that happens, NOBODY’s happy.
 
My relationship is “pure luxury” only because I make the effort to make myself happy.
 
That’s because when I make myself happy then my partner’s only job is to make me happy-er. So anytime he gives me a compliment or opens my car door on a date, it’s extra. I don’t expect him to do that as part of our relationship “contract;” it’s extra and it feels luxurious.
 
This perspective is important to ALL relationships, but it’s even MORE critical to the survival of LDR’s. Make yourself happy; fill your life with people, fun, adventure, and creative expression. And then when he calls, compliments or connects with you in any way: it’s EXTRA.
 
Appreciate the extra luxury he brings to your life.
 
 
Love Hack #2: Change the communication game.
 
You want him to call and text you more often. You’re not asking much; you just want a little communication. How hard is that?
 
For a guy, it’s actually kinda hard. Men function on the “out of sight, out of mind” mentality. Time passes quicker for him and he doesn’t feel the need for a relationship connection the way you or I do. This means it’s easy for him to go days (sometimes weeks!) without thinking about you and subsequently calling you.
 
This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, it just means you’re not in-sight-in-mind.
 
This inherent gender difference causes the most stress for women in long distance relationships; because he’s certainly not out of sight and out of mind for YOU! You think about him all the time and want to connect. He doesn’t.
 
Which is why he’s not calling or texting and he’s losing the communication game as it stands. This not only causes YOU stress, heartache and disappointment but it also makes him feel bad, like nothing he does makes you happy anymore. When he does talk to you, you’re mad at him for his Bad Boyfriend Behavior.
 
Once he associates talking with you with feeling punished instead of feeling good, that’s the beginning of the end. Don’t let it end that way. Change the game.
 
Instead of expecting him to contact you, try texting him. Not just any run-of-the-mill text message but an FYI text: for your information only.
 
The purpose of an FYI text message is merely to update him on your day. It’s not as satisfying as if he started to call you all the time and sent you text messages saying, “I’m thinking about you.” I get it. But as soon as you release yourself of those UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS, you also let go of the accompanying disappointment and frustration.
 
It’s all about redefining the game to set you BOTH up for feeling good. Let him know that these are just “updates” and that you don’t expect anything in return.
 
FYI text example: “Remember that guy who plays the drums on the corner? He added ‘singing’ to his repertoire! My ears almost curled up and died. You would’ve loved it. Miss you!”
 
Another example of an FYI text message can just be a picture of you enjoying lunch with your friends, you making yourself a stack of pancakes, you being happy and enjoying life.
 
Picture him reading it and smiling. Let go of any expectation that he has to return the text in order for intimacy to be achieved. You’ve put yourself in his sight and back in his mind – you’re connecting. Don’t check your phone every 5 minutes to see if he responded. Live your life. Your FYI text is your connection.
 
IF he responds, enjoy the “extra!”
 
I want to make a clear distinction, by writing him you are not pursuing him, you are merely updating him.
 
By releasing him from the pressure of your communication needs, you also free him from the burden of your dissatisfaction. Your cheerful FYI texts make him feel like he can make you happy and helps him enjoy your relationship even more.
 
 
Love Hack #3: Put a time-limit on it.
 
For most of us, long distance relationships are not sustainable.
 
Which means you need a light at the end of the tunnel in order for your love and relationship to survive the journey.
 
If you want to be in a relationship, you have certain relationship needs. If your partner cannot meet those needs by living far away, then there is no way the relationship will be successful – no matter how much you LOVE each other.
 
Creating an end date, gives you hope for a new beginning.
 
I recently binge-watched the Netflix series: Unbreakable Kimmy Shmidt. In it, she holds to the optimistic manta that anyone can do anything for 10 seconds. It’s certainly a motivating thought, isn’t it? And it can apply here to your LDR. We surprise ourselves at the inner strength we find when we put a time limit on something.
 
So set a date. Not just for your next visit, but for your permanent solution. Hold out for the time until you can be back in his sight and in his mind permanently.
 
You were always in his heart.
 
With love,
Lauren


Now I want to hear from you!
 
Have you been in an LDR? How did/do you make it work?

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Hi John -

I read your book Mars and Venus On A Date and I am hoping you can help me with my long distance dating situation.

I live in New York but I am dating a guy who lives in California. He comes to New York for 1 week each month for work. It's always an amazing week together.

This has been going on for 8 months. And we have been exclusive for the past 3 months. It's getting scary.

He grew up on the West Coast and STRONGLY does not want to move here (New York). My family all live in the New York area - 3 sisters - but I have no intention to move (to California).

Do long distance relationships ever work and for how long?

Thank you so much!

Lisa


Hi Lisa-

Thank you for writing in. I receive many questions about long distance relationships. So many more people are travelling for work than ever before. Distance in relationships is becoming more common. Although, distance may make the heart grow fonder, it doesn't make dating and relationships any easier.

It sounds like you are at the "Uncertainty" stage in your relationship, the second stage of a dating relationship that I explain in my book Mars and Venus On A Date. During the Uncertainty stage, it is important to not sabotage the potential success of your relationship. Often during Uncertainty, a woman may seek too much reassurance from a man and he will distance himself from her. This is mainly because he isn't sure himself and doesn't want the pressure of having to decide yet.

I will be honest with you...I don't think this long distance relationship is going to last a long time. They usually don't because eventually one person or both people in the relationship stops receiving what they need and want for a loving, long-term relationship - and that is intimacy.

He does not want to move to New York and you do not want to move to California. It sounds like he has strong feelings about New York and his job is keeping him in California. So he is not likely to move. It sounds like you have your family and your support system in New York. If you move, you will lose that and that will be very challenging.

Watch my video to hear what I think is the ideal situation for a long-distance relationship to thrive and grow into a deeper connection with fulfilling intimacy.

Grow in love,

John Gray

Dear Lauren, 

For a long time now, I have been seeing a man that only wants sex from me. This seems to be a pattern for me. Can a woman do something unconsciously to attract this type of man even though she wants a whole life relationship? 

-Kate
 
Dear Kate,
 
Absolutely she can! And I’ll tell you how. But first I want to teach you the formula to break A pattern, before we dive in to breaking YOUR pattern.
 
Step #1: See through the excuses and justifications and acknowledge that it IS a pattern.
 
Step #2: Become aware of how YOU contribute to your pattern.
 
You’re clearly doing a great job on step #1 or you wouldn’t have asked me this brilliant question. So, high five!!!
 
Now lets explore step #2.
 
 
How attracting Mr. Wrong is… YOUR fault?
 
You may be attracting men that only want sex because YOU initiate the relationship. I know, I know, TIMES HAVE CHANGED; women should be allowed to ask a man out on a date…
 
And I agree.
 
BUT THE TRUTH LIES IN THE FINE PRINT:
 
It’s okay to ask a man out and show your interest BUT there is a fine line you must walk between making your interest known and making yourself the pursuer.
 
You don’t want to become the pursuer. When you become an “aggressive woman,” there are real risks. And I believe you’ve already encountered them.
 
 
What’s wrong with being a little “AGGRESSIVE?”
 
Men are capable of loyalty, devotion, love and higher consciousness. No question about that.
 
But men are also wired to want to have sex with almost any woman who will have sex with them. A man won’t automatically think about the basic questions we, women, often consider, like:

“Do I care for this person?” or “Do I want a commitment?”
 
If a woman is aggressive, it means he can get sex without HAVING to consider these questions.
 
On the other hand, if she was less available and he had to put forth effort to pursue her, he would have to think about that.
 
..And he might realize that he’s not, in fact, attracted to her! And by “attracted,” I mean in the Venusian sense of the word.
 
What am I talking about? Keep reading!
 
 
The MARS and VENUS translations of “Attraction”
 
That’s right. Men and women actually have different definitions of “attraction.”
 
To a man, attraction can be purely physical. A man is easily capable of having sex with a woman he doesn’t care for as long as he is attracted to her physically. That physical attraction temporarily over-rides any personality or compatibility conflicts.
 
A woman’s attraction for a man, on the other hand, is based on personality as well as physicality. While it’s not impossible, it is much harder for women to separate the two. This is why basic questions like, “Do I care for/like this person?” are so natural for us to ask BEFORE we get physically intimate.
 
This is just not the case for most men. Which is why you may be inviting men into your life who are “attracted” to you but not interested in developing a relationship beyond sex.
 
 
The unexpected DANGER of making him happy
 
Another way you may unconsciously be contributing to this pattern is that you are confusing being made happy BY your man with making him happy.
 
Being generous and making others happy can be hugely rewarding in life. But as a woman, when your self-esteem is low, it can be a dangerous trap in your relationship WITH A MAN.
 
Your primary source of happiness, from your relationship, should be in response to what he does for you. His primary source of happiness, from your relationship, should be your happy response to what he provides for you.
 
Otherwise, he’s chillin at the spa for the day; he enjoys the pampering but there is no BONDING. He may appreciate a manicure but he doesn’t bring the manicurist home to meet his mom. You get what I’m saying?
 
If he cannot provide for you, fight for you, and make you happy, there is no bond to keep him rooted in the relationship.
 
 
How to get a man to BOND, (James Bond!)
 
To attract a man who is interested in MORE than sex, it’s important to let him BOND with you.
 
A man bonds with a woman through feeling successful at winning and earning her love. If you are too aggressive, too “people pleaser” or too “easy,” he cannot form that bond. (On the other hand, playing “hard to get” prevents him from bonding as well. A man needs to know he has a chance to succeed with you in order for him to be motivated to try.)
 
As a woman, it’s totally legit to initiate the message that you would be receptive to a relationship. This is different than actively pursuing a man. In Mars and Venus On A Date, John Gray teaches us the ins and out of how to walk this fine line by practicing “Proceptivity.” In order to attract a man that wants a relationship, you need to learn to be PROACTIVELY RECEPTIVE to his attention and advances.
 
Proceptivity can be as easy as observing and responding honestly. Be authentic and be true to yourself. If he makes you happy, don’t hide your delight or appreciation, respond!
 
(To learn more about proceptivity during the dating process, click here.)


You GOT this.
 
Taking responsibility for your actions in the past is a brave and crucial thing if you want to break your pattern and move on.
 
You are on your way to attracting the perfect man for you and as long as you change your approach, you’re going to get a different result. You got this. I believe in you.

With love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!
 
Do you have any advice for women who want to avoid dating Mr. Wrong?

Did you love this advice? Please use the social sharing buttons and SHARE it with your friends!

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John Gray on GMOs, Glyphosate, Toxins and Brain Health

I was interviewed recently by Zen Honeycutt and Moms Across America. It was a great interview so I wanted to share it here.

We discussed some very important topics including GMOs, over-the-counter medications, cancer, dementia and overall brain health. We also reviewed what you can do about autism, Parkinson's, ADHD and addictions.

I am glad we were able to spend time talking about glyphosate. I explained how glyphosate destroys the gut bacteria and stops the production of glutathione, which is a cell protector. We are exposed to glyphosate every day. Glyphosate "holds or makes unavailable" the vital nutrients of any living thing it touches. So you could be eating healthy food, organic vegetables and fruits with a water filter and and still be vitamin and mineral deficient. Glyphosate is in your food and water, the air and the rain, and it depletes the vitamins and minerals available. This impacts our brain and overall health, relationships, performance and happiness.

We begin to talk about GMOs and glyphosate at around 12 minutes.

I share the impact that acetaminophen, Tylenol and other toxic exposure have had on our brains at 28 minutes. 

We also briefly touch on the controversy surrounding Dr. Bradstreet at 35 minutes.

Many thanks Zen and Moms Across America for all the work they do to support natural health around the world.

*This blog was originally posted in February 2014. It has been edited and updated.*

Dear Lauren, 
Two months into my relationship, my boyfriend looked through all my text messages while I was sleeping. He found an old one from my ex. Three months later he went through all my emails and found a few from male friends. I have an extremely suspicious boyfriend. I have explained everything to him but he calls me deceitful, a liar, and untrustworthy.

I was outside at a party with a bunch of people and I put my arm around my friend’s husband. My boyfriend saw us. I didn’t think anything of it. Then three days later he told me I had humiliated him in front of all those people!  Is it me?  Am I wrong?  Is it unacceptable behavior to hug another person? I really like this guy. What do I do? 
-Madeline
 
Hi Madeline,
 
What is appropriate behavior?
 
It’s easy to start doubting yourself in the face of a partner’s jealousy and upset. I get it. You start asking yourself, “Am I wrong? Is it me? Am I crazy?”
 
You’re not. It is completely appropriate behavior to hug another person in a friendly (no-pelvis-touching) way. In fact, if you ask me, the world needs a little more hugging. ;-)
 
If a certain behavior is in question, check in with yourself and trust your gut: Do you feel guilty in any way? Would you do it again if you knew your partner was right next to you?
 
Let these questions guide your inner knowing. Don’t base your truth on his reaction. His reaction may not be appropriate behavior!
 
 
The 2 Types of Jealous Men
 
So your boyfriend is snooping around your text messages, huh? Jealous where other men are concerned? Angry at you for your “inappropriate” behavior?
 
Sounds like a real Prince Charming.
 
Many people would probably tell you to run the other direction (and they might not be wrong!)
 
But I believe that advice is pre-mature. We simply don’t have enough information yet. You see, there are TWO types of jealous men:
 
#1. The Insecure Control Freak
#2. The Bull in a China Shop
 
Before I can give you my recommendation on what to do, we need to determine what type of jealous man your boyfriend is.
 
 
Jealous Type #1: The Insecure Control Freak
 
Some men (and women) are so insecure that rather than appreciating and trusting their partner, they become overly possessive and suspicious.
 
Often these men and women have experienced betrayal in a past relationship where their partner has cheated on them. This gives them “a rational reason” for being paranoid.
 
It also gives them tunnel vision. They don’t want the wool pulled over their eyes again so instead they’re constantly looking for what they don’t want to find.
 
If this person is so insecure that they do not feel they deserve love and loyalty, than they will always assume the worst.
 
 
How to deal with Jealous Type #1.
 
The tendency of the Insecure Control Freak to not trust you will ultimately escalate to him trying to control you. This is where things get dysfunctional.
 
In every monogamous relationship, your partner holds some control over you. This is why we don’t sleep around when we've promised monogamy. But in this case, I’m talking about unreasonable control. Like the crazy kind you see on those Lifetime original movies.
 
It starts small and unassuming. He may start by asking you where you’re going out to and then ask if you would stay home instead. When you choose to leave, he may get angry with you, try to make you feel guilty or say hurtful things to punish and manipulate you. He may not let you leave the house if you're wearing something he doesn’t approve of.
 
At first you may go along with this. After all it’s not a big deal. You’re happy to do something nice for the man you love…
 
Then bang!
 
Before you know it, you’re tangled up in an abusive relationship. Insecure Control Freaks are impossible to live happily ever after with.
 
So how do you deal with Jealous Type #1? Walk away before it gets nasty.
 
 
Jealous Type #2: The Bull in a China Shop
 
Some jealous, snooping, suspicious men aren’t control freaks at all! Sometimes they’re just a Bull in a china shop. They’ll cause a whole bunch of damage, have big heated reactions, say mean things, UNLESS you corral them by establishing clear boundaries.
 
When this type of jealous man is confronted with clear boundaries shared in a loving and direct way, he’ll often (metaphorically) kick a few times and then settle down and get used to it.
 
Over time, through hearing your boundaries, he learns what is an appropriate expression of his love and what is controlling and inappropriate.
 
The difference between type #1 and type #2 is that the Bull in a china shop can become a great and supportive partner to you. With the right kind of communication, he’s a keeper.
 
 
The Ultimate Test: How to tell what “type” of jealous man you’re with
 
At this point you might be wondering how to tell whether you’re with an Insecure Control Freak or you’re with the Bull.
 
Great question! And the answer can be found with some simple experimentation.
 
Play detective. With trial and error setting your limits and outlining your boundaries, his true identity will reveal itself.
 
If he responds by respecting your boundaries, congratulations! He’s a keeper!
 
If he continues to push past your boundaries, you have your answer. This controlling behavior will only escalate into something truly dysfunctional. Walk away.
 

Makin’ it work with Jealous Type #2
 
By setting your limits and outlining your boundaries you teach him what is appropriate and what is not.
 
Ex: When he looks through your email, let him know in a neutral tone of voice (NOT angry) that, in your book, it is not okay behavior to look through your stuff. Everyone deserves privacy. He needs to trust you and respect your boundary in order for this relationship to work.
 
Ex: Next time he gets his panties in a bundle over you hugging a friend, matter-of-factly inform him that there is a big difference between inappropriate flirting and just being friendly. You know the difference and your behavior with friends is appropriate and always honors your partner and your relationship. He needs to trust you and respect you for this relationship to work.
 
If you catch him snooping again or if he overreacts to you hugging someone again, then you have your answer. He is the Insecure Control Freak. Walk away.

With love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!
 
Is there an appropriate place for jealousy in a relationship? Or does it always cause problems?
 
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Dear Lauren,
 
I’ve been sorta seeing this guy for awhile. I told him at the beginning that I was not ready for a relationship. His response was fine, that he was willing to wait. So we continue casually talking, having lunch dates, and occasionally hooking up.
 
Now I feel ready to be in a relationship and I’m waiting for him to actively pursue me with romantic dates, phone calls and flowers. The problem is that I’m not seeing this happening. He’s been very inconsistent with his attention.
 
Two days ago he tells me he loves me. For me, it’s hard to believe because he hasn’t really shown me that and we haven’t spent a lot of quality romantic time together. My question is: How do I tell if his feelings for me are real?
 
-Maria
 
Hi Maria,
 
Why so HOT and COLD?
 
It’s hard to trust in a new relationship, especially when his attentions are so inconsistent. I get it.
 
So let’s uncover the reason WHY he’s been so hot and cold. And we don’t need to dig too deep to find it.
 
The last thing this guy heard was that you weren't interested in a relationship. Just because YOU’VE changed your mind doesn't mean HE knows the game has changed.
 
He's been holding back pursuing you in a traditional wanna-be-yer-boyfriend-way because you told him you weren’t ready for that.
 
 
How to make him STEP UP his game
 
I know his hot and cold behavior has been frustrating for you. But there’s an easy fix!
 
In order to get him to step up his game and be more consistent, it's your job to DEFINE how you would like the relationship to change.
 
Be specific and ask for what you want:
 
·      Do you want flowers?
·      Do you want to go on romantic dates?
·      Do you want late night phone calls?
·      Do you want to try out an exclusive arrangement so that you can build trust in order to get to know each other better?
 
Let him know what kind of attention and commitment you’re looking for. And then show him, through smiles and thank you’s, that his efforts and gestures are well received.
 
 
Yeah, but what if he FREAKS OUT?!
 
Let me tell you what I know about the men in the dating scene who come on STRONG…
 
If you ask for what you want (a greater commitment) and he runs for the hills, it's a sign that he’s not ready for a relationship. He talked the “I love you” talk but in reality he was only comfortable being with someone who was “unavailable” and “unattainable.”
 
This type of guy loves the chase more than the object of his affection.
 
If he freaks out, it’s not because you did something wrong. It’s because you gave him the opportunity to step up and that revealed that he’s not the right guy for you – that’s good information for him and for you. Now you can BOTH move on.
 
 
What if he LOVES ME for REAL?
 
If he gives you the kind of romantic attention and commitment you ask for and he delights in the fact that his wait is over, then awesome! Right?
 
Maybe. Maybe not.
 
It can be overwhelming being the object of someone’s affection, so here are a few things to keep in mind so that your new dynamic doesn’t freak YOU out!
 
1. You don’t know that he’s Mr. Right yet. You just know he has potential. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
 
2. By dating him, you’re not promising to spend the rest of your life with him, you’re just agreeing to the next date.
 
3. There’s no pressure. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean you have to reciprocate those feelings immediately. Take your time.
 
 
The #1 question you SHOULD be asking
 
You ask me if he loves you for real.
 
Good question. But it’s not the only important question. In fact, the answer doesn’t even matter IF you're not in love with him.
 
When someone comes on strong and expresses his devotion to you, it’s easy to fall under the romantic spell this infatuation weaves. It’s flattering and it’s easy to become so obsessed with HIS feelings and how good it makes you feel that you forget to check in with your own.
 
Don’t forget to check in with your own feelings.
 
Get to know him at your own pace and observe:

“Is he showing up for me in a way that shows me he’d make a good partner? Does he make me happy? Is he the one?”
 
Dating is about trying someone on and seeing if they fit. So instead of asking, “Does this outfit like me?” Start asking, “Do I like this outfit? How does this outfit make me feel?”
 
YOUR feelings will be become a much stronger voice this way.
 
With love,
Lauren
 
Now I want to hear from you!
 
How do YOU get to know the true feelings of a guy who’s hot and cold? What are your strategies? 
 
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Dear Lauren,

How can I reconcile with my ex-boyfriend after he broke up with me? He dumped me after being together for 3 years. I’ve given him "space" for 2.5 days with no contact (no more begging or trying to change his mind). Now he sends me an email to see if I'm "ok." Do I respond or stick to some "30 day rule?" What type of contact is okay?
 
How do I win back my ex? And how long do I wait for him before I move on?
 
-Brooke
 
 
Hey Brooke,
 
Loads of great questions here. Let's take them one by one.
 
 
To “30 day rule” or Not to “30 day rule?”
 
Rules? Eh, they’re really more like guidelines, aren’t they? I mean every situation requires it’s own solution, which can primarily come from your heart.
 
But in general, it’s a good idea to give a relationship space after it goes through something like this. It gives you a chance to cry, to pamper yourself, and to reflect on the relationship.  This prevents you from just throwing yourself at him with the same tactics that got you into this mess.
 

What type of contact is okay after a breakup?
 
Don’t initiate any contact.
 
Be responsive but don’t pursue.
 
Pursuing looks like asking questions about his life, about your relationship, or about your break up (WHY? WHY? WHY?).
 
Let it be a mystery to him what your feelings are but let it be clear in your responses that you’re not mad at him.
 
Don’t actually tell him, “I’m not mad at you.”  Show him by being friendly and positive in your responses.
 
 
How do I win back my ex?
 
As they say, you can’t solve a problem with the same thinking that created it. So a little distance, some new insights and perspectives are in order.
 
Educate yourself on what went wrong and how you contributed to it.
 
At this point, I recommend grabbing a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Mars and Venus on a Date.
 
As you read these books, highlight them, and take notes. These notes will build the foundation for your secret weapon and ultimate persuasion tactic for winning your ex back.
 
 
Your secret weapon and ultimate persuasion tactic
 
An apology letter.
 
Here’s an example apology letter that an actual client of mine sent to her ex-boyfriend. (I removed all of the identifying details for privacy purposes).
 
“I’m sorry for how I contributed to the unhappiness in our relationship. I recognize now that I’ve said and done things that have pushed you away.
 
“I’ve ordered 3 relationship books and I’m ready to learn. I realize now I’ve unknowingly pushed you away with my mistakes. I’m very interested in learning lessons on how I can do it better next time, whether it be with you or someone else in my future.
 
“Some of my mistakes I’ve learned so far are:
- I nag and complain too much
- I look to you too much for my happiness instead of having more of a life
- I don’t take enough responsibility for my own happiness
- I get mad when you take space for yourself
- I don’t ask for what I need, I just get upset when you don’t give it me
 
“I’m really seeing things differently now and I think I can make a change. Would you be willing to grab a cup of coffee with me and talk about some of these things?”
 
Just remember that this letter and this conversation, IF you want a snowballs chance in hell of getting back together, needs to be about what YOU can do differently; not what HE can do differently.

 
How long should you wait before you give up on him and move on?
 
No matter how great your letter is, there’s no guarantee that he’ll come back and there’s no exact time for when you “should” give up.
 
The truth is, giving your ex space now is your best chance of getting him back later.
 
The State of California doesn’t finalize divorce until the couple has been separated for 6 months. This is because the majority of couples change their minds and get back together within 4-6 months.
 
What happens during this break is that they become less dependent on each other, which takes away any feelings of blame and neediness. Suddenly they begin to feel how much they love their partner again.
 
This period of time is helpful for him to find his love again so that he can release his blame.
 
It also can give you an opportunity to transform a part of you that is too dependent on him. This is the time to connect with your self-sufficiency, and your ability to make yourself happy. Even though you’re not talking to him, you’re connected to him and he will feel it.
 
In the presence of hurt, he can only feel blamed. But as you heal your hurt, it frees him to come back to you.
 
 
A breakup is an opportunity for greater love and success
 
Breaking up brings you to a crossroad.
 
You can either get back together and make things better than they were before or move on to a new relationship: either way it’s an opportunity to have a more loving and successful relationship in your future.
 
It may be that this man cannot make you happy. If you believe in your heart that he has to change in order for you to be happy in this relationship, it will never work.
 
If you’re genuinely happy with him and you’re not demanding more from him than what he’s available to give, then there’s a chance it can work.
 
Either way, this breakup, no matter how painful it feels, is a wonderful wakeup call. A call to learn more about successful relationship skills so that you can have more loving, supportive and successful relationships in your life.
 
With love,
Lauren