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Four Warning Signs In A Relationship

John Gray

The pain of breaking up a romantic relationship is strongest when it comes as a surprise. One minute you think everything is fine, and the next minute you are blindsided by a breakup talk.

It is hard for some people to recognize the warning signs that a relationship is having trouble. I have been teaching them for as long as I have been giving relationship advice. I wrote about them in my first book, What You Feel, You Can Heal.

I call them the Four Rs and they usually progress in a particular order as a relationship progresses. First there can be feelings of resistance. Then feelings of resentment may build. Next follows different forms of rejection. Finally, it reaches the final phase of an empty relationship, repression.

Let’s take a closer look at each of the four Rs:


Resistance

There is resistance in any normal human relationship. Opposites attract.

Resistance occurs when you notice yourself starting to resist something another person is saying, doing, or feeling. You may have pointed some of these things out to them in the past and thought they would change, but they haven’t.

This can lead you to start criticizing them in your mind, and telling yourself that you “don’t like this.” You may also notice yourself pulling away a little bit.

There are two ways to handle resistance. Many people handle resistance by ignoring it and pretending it’s not there.

The best way to approach resistance is to talk to your partner using good communication. Tell your partner what is bothering you and ask your partner to stop doing it.

If your partner can’t change, try to understand and accept your partner to change your feelings. Or change your partner!

If you don't tell the truth about your resistance and resolve it with your partner, and you choose to remain in the relationship, those little resistances build up and turn into the second R, Resentment.


Resentment

Resentment is a much more active level of resistance and usually accompanied with anger and tension. Anger, frustration, annoyance, sharpness and hate are all symptoms of resentment.

You may notice you are keeping score in your head. “I do this and this and this for him and he doesn’t do anything for me.” You may also be getting angry over the smallest of things and blowing them out of proportion.

When you keep score in a relationship and think you can give more to get more, you will actually receive less and feel even more resentment.

You are responsible for stopping the resentment you hold towards your partner. You either need to talk to your partner or find forgiveness and understanding and learn to let it go. Or let your partner go!

If you don't tell the truth about your resentment and resolve it with your partner, it builds up and turns into the third R, Rejection.


Rejection

Rejection is the natural consequence of carrying around stored-up resentment. Rejection occurs when so much resistance and resentment has built up that it becomes impossible for you to stay emotionally connected to the other person, and you pull away.

You may just say 'I don't want to discuss this anymore'. You may leave the room, storm out of the house, or just shut down and refuse to acknowledge the other person.

You are turned off emotionally and sexually.

You may still love your partner, but you are no longer attracted to your partner. You may feel disgusted at the thought of sex, or simply have no interest in sex anymore.

The signs of rejection are:

  • Avoiding your partner
  • Disagreeing with your partner about everything
  • Fantasizing about other people
  • Acting on feelings and having affairs

Rejection is usually the stage when most long-term relationship end and most marriages lead to divorce.

If you don't tell the truth about your feelings of rejection and resolve them with your partner, then your feelings turn to, Repression.


Repression

Repression happens when you are so tired of resisting, resenting and rejecting that you successfully repress all of your negative emotions to simply keep the peace in the relationship.

Repression is the most dangerous of the four Rs because it is a state of emotional numbness.

You numb yourself to your feelings in order to be comfortable in the relationship. This numbness spills over into the rest of your life. You lose your enthusiasm and aliveness. Life may become predictable and boring - it isn't painful, but it isn't joyful either. You may feel physically tired much of the time and definitely feelings of depression.

Every time you suppress the complete truth and repress your feelings, your ability to love decreases.

The good news is you can reverse these feelings no matter what stage you are in.


Grab a copy of my book, What You Feel, You Can Heal to better understand these four warning signs before they ruin your relationship and you get blindsided by a breakup.

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Can A Relationship Recover From Cheating?

John Gray

Affairs are painful. They can feel like terrible betrayals.

Affairs shatter the romantic myth that if someone loves me, I am the only person they could ever want.

This is true and beautiful, but it is also an illusion.

Some people have experienced infidelity in their own intimate relationships. Some people are the children of parents who had affairs. Some people have siblings who strayed in their relationships. Almost everyone knows a friend who has either cheated on a partner or been cheated on by a partner in a relationship.

Cheating often exposes bigger relationship issues that have been ignored for a long time.

The most important thing to remember is if your partner cheats on you, it does not mean that he or she does not love you.

Should an affair cause the end of a relationship?

Should an affair cause the end of a marriage?

Should an affair cause the end of a family?


Not in most situations, especially if the guilty partner has apologized, admitted it was a mistake, and promised to never do it again.

It’s terrible to see your partner choose someone else instead of you. That doesn’t mean your relationship doesn’t hold value and merit. This is especially true in a long-term relationship. It’s unfair to ignore the time you spent together, the children you raised, the homes you have built together, and the communities you share.

Infidelity is hurtful and lonely but it doesn’t equate to failure.

If the love is still there, you can make it work.



What To Do If Your Partner Cheats

You have two choices: grow or go. Either you stay with your partner nad begin to work on the relationship or you decide to leave and work on another relationship with someone else. 

There are three steps you should take if you have been cheated on by your partner in your relationship to help you determine what to do.


STEP ONE: WHAT?!

As in, “What the F*#K??!!”.

Most people freak out – and rightfully so - when they find out their partner has cheated on them. Depending on the relationship, it can feel like a crisis as urgent questions come into play right away:

Where do I sleep tonight?

Do I need to be tested?

Is anyone at risk?

Is our reputation at risk?


The intensity of emotions that initially arise can feel overwhelming. Two people have lost a sense of their identity and their future, at least as they had imagined it.

If the relationship is going to continue, it’s important to ask questions and listen to your partner during this time. It’s also important for the person who has had the affair to show remorse and to express guilt – if the relationship is going to continue.



STEP TWO: WHY?

This is the stage where you are trying to make sense of it all. You ask yourself:

Why did this happen?

What role did we each play in the infidelity?

What did the affair mean?

Is there something we can learn from this?


After listening to your partner explain why they had the affair, take some time away from your partner.

It can help to talk to someone you trust, preferably a therapist who can help you uncover why the affair happened and determine your next decision.

You may experience a wide range of contradictory emotions with your partner. One minute, it is hold me, the next minute, it’s get away from me. One minute it’s f*#k you, the next minute, it’s f*#k me.

Sometimes, couples have intense, passionate sex, and they don’t understand why. The affair triggers some sexual awakening in their own relationship.

Many couples find that they have surprisingly healing conversations with one another, with a level of honesty they haven’t had in years.



STEP THREE: WHERE?

As in, “Where do we go from here?”

This is the time to determine if you want to continue the relationship and work on growing together.

There is such potential to change the relationship in a way that is better for both partners. This is the time to establish better communication for a stronger relationship. Both people should say, “Going forward, I’m going to need different things from you.”

It will take time to rebuild the trust that is lost with an affair. One of the ways for people who have had affairs to rebuild trust is to show their partners that they matter and that they value them. Show them that you honor them, that you want to be with them, and help them reclaim their sense of value.

Another thing to help rebuild your relationship is to experience new things together. Take a trip to a new place. Do something adventurous together. Plan a random day for a spontaneous sex date.



Avoiding Affairs

Unfortunately it often takes an affair to shake couples out of complacency to save their marriages and relationships.

We take our partners for granted. We become lazy. We become complacent. We lose the connection and we pretend our partners are going to be there no matter what.

Relationships need daily care to keep the passion alive. Many couples don’t have real conversations about desire, attraction, sex, and monogamy until after an affair.

Look at the intensity of affairs: the imagination, the creativity, the attention, the focus that goes into them. If couples could bring that into their marriages, they would be doing a lot better and may not think of going outside the relationship.

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Telling The Truth In Relationships

John Gray


Telling The Truth In Relationships

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How To Bring Passion Back To A Relationship

John Gray

So many couples ask me how they can bring back the passion to their relationship.

It’s never an easy answer.

I have counseled couples for months before they have been able to restore the passion and the deep love to their relationship.

Transformation depends on the willingness to change.

If they want to make it work, they can make it work.

Sometimes even when one partner doesn’t want to work on the relationship but the other partner does, after I help the willing partner, the changes that are made can encourage the unwilling partner to work on the relationship too.

Besides couples counseling and therapy , there is no more powerful way to work on your relationship than by going to a relationship seminar or by taking a class on relationships and communication.

The truth is…

You can put a spark in your relationship just by taking a class. Start to learn Italian. Take a painting class. Sign up for a computer class.

Learning something new changes you. It makes you different. It makes your relationships different. This can bring a spark back to your relationship.

My Secrets to Successful Relationships Audio Series is perfect for this.

Painting and creating art can help give you a new perspective on life and love. Computer programming can help you learn to solve problems using new methods.

Maybe that Italian class will lead to a trip to Italy with your partner. (I can’t think of anything better to bring the passion back to a relationship than a trip to Italy!)

The best way to put a spark in your relationship is to put a spark in you.

Do something you love and you will have more love to give.

Watch my video to find out:
- The four ways to create passion in any relationship
- The correct way to ask for support
- The secret to keeping passion alive for a lifetime


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John Gray explains the five stages of dating that create a loving relationship.
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The Five Stages of Dating

John Gray

Whether you are starting over, just starting to date, or have been dating for years, one thing doesn't seem to change: Dating is awkward.

Although dating can be confusing, painful and full of challenges, the greatest reward is finding a Soul Mate.

So how do you find a Soul Mate?

The first thing you should do when looking for love is stop looking for it.

Huh?

I know that sounds counterintuitive but it’s true. You should focus on yourself first. Love yourself first. Prepare yourself so you are ready when your Soul Mate shows up for you.

How do you know when someone is right for you?

Moving through my Five Stages of Dating gives you the power to “just know” when the right person enters your life. The Five Stages also give you the understanding to “just know” when you are with the wrong person.

Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that person is the right one for you. It takes times and a journey through the Five Stages of Dating to recognize your true life partner. Soul Mates are never perfect. But when your heart is open and you know them, they are perfect for you.

So what are the Five Stages of Dating?

Basically, there are five stages of dating that couples go through to grow into a more serious relationship. It helps to have a strong understanding of each stage so you can better navigate the dating world and find the right partner for you. 

I will explain the five stages now but my book, Mars and Venus On A Date, goes far deeper into explaining them with real examples and strategies for navigatig the dating scene.



Stage One: Attraction

The secret to the Attraction Stage is staying true to who you are, while still expressing your best and most positive self. This can be a challenge for both men and women because we forget how our language and behavior may be misinterpreted.


Tips for Women

A common misunderstanding women have of men is that they should communicate like women.

Many women make the mistake of assuming that the more a woman listens to a man with great interest, the more he will be interested in listening to her. Unfortunately, the more a man talks, the more he becomes interested in what he is talking about – and stops thinking about her.

In order for a man to be interested in a woman, she should do more of the talking and share herself in a positive manner. She should also avoid dwelling on negative feelings or problems in her life because he may assume she is difficult to please.

Talking too much and putting it all out there right away can feel like too much information to a man and turn him off.


Tips for Men

In order a woman to be interested in a man, he should do something to make her feel special. This could simply be when he notices her, he initiates eye contact, and gives her a sincere compliment.

When he offers these gestures without expecting anything else other than the pleasure of getting to know her, he becomes more attractive.

A woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her. So, he should also take the time to ask questions, listen and get to know her more than talking about himself and offering advice.

He could try some open questions like:
What do you like to do for fun?
Tell me about your work.
Tell me about your family.



The Challenge

The challenge during the first stage of dating is to make sure you get the opportunity to express your attraction and get to know a potential partner. The man should chase and the girl should let him.



Stage Two: Uncertainty

Just as the first stage of dating is a time to meet and get to know a variety of people, the second stage is the time to focus on one person and give that relationship a chance to grow.

Men and women experience uncertainty differently. While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.


Uncertainty for Him

When a man is uncertain, he tends to question whether he wants to pursue the relationship or keep pursuing other women. He may really like her but he questions whether she can give him what he wants.

When a man is uncertain, he should ask himself:
Could I be the right man for her?
Do I care for her?
Do I want to make her happy?
Do I miss her when we are apart?


If a man doesn’t understand that uncertainty is part of the dating process, he can get stuck in a cycle of serial relationships.


Uncertainty for Her

When a woman is uncertain she tends to focus on where the relationship is going. She often senses the man pulling away and worries if she did something wrong or if he is with someone else.

When a man comes on strong in Stage One and then pulls back in Stage Two, a woman sometimes feels like chasing him or giving him more. This can sabotage the relationship.

As she is looking for his reassurance, she often makes one of two common mistakes:
1. She asks him where the relationship is going.
2. She tries to win him over by being too pushy or giving up herself.

Both of these approaches can push him away or prevent him from feeling confident that he is the right man for her. Instead of letting him continue to please her, her attempts to please him can cause him to lose interest.

If and when she is not sure where her relationship is going, she should find support from her friends. This gives her time and space to think about whether he is really the right person for an exclusive relationship.


The Challenge

The challenge in Stage Two of dating is to recognize that uncertainty is normal during the dating process. Without a good understanding of the uncertainty stage, it is easy for a man to drift from one partner to another and for a woman to make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is pursuing her.



Stage Three: Exclusivity

The Third Stage of Dating begins when both people feel a desire to date each other exclusively. Both of them want the opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. They want to relax and have more time to share with one partner.

The Exclusivity Stage begins with a conversation and a commitment to stop seeing other people. Exclusivity must not be assumed without talking about it and coming to an agreement about it.

Many people believe that if they are sexually involved, then they are exclusive. However, sex is not a requirement for exclusivity.


Exclusivity for Him

When a man moves into the exclusivity stage, he can often grow complacent in the relationship. He may assume that he has done all he needs to do to win a willing partner. This can cause him to stop doing the things that made him so attractive to her in the beginning.

This is not the time for him to sit home and assume that the work of building a romance is over. He needs to continue to take the time to explore what she likes and plan romantic dates together.

Romance fuels her attraction for him. If he relaxes too much, she may stop responding to him like the way she did during the first two stages of dating.


Exclusivity for Her

After she has agreed to be exclusive, her greatest challenge is asking him for support. She often assumes that he will start to do things without being asked.

Just as his romantic gestures reassure her that she is special, her requests encourage him to continue giving her what she needs. She becomes more attractive to him when he knows what she wants and he feels confident that he can fulfill her.

She should continue receiving with positive responses. She may want to do more but when she feels she is giving more, she can lose her appreciation and attraction for him.


The Challenge

The challenge in the Third Stage of Dating is to avoid becoming too comfortable and stop doing the little things that make the other person feel special. He needs to continue being romantic, planning dates and chasing her. She needs to ask for what she wants, and be receptive and responsive to his efforts.



Stage Four: Intimacy

Once both people have experienced chemistry on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, they are ready to experience the real and lasting love that can grow in the Fourth Stage of Dating: Intimacy.

This is the time to relax and just get to know each other on a deeper, more personal level. It’s also important to point out that the Intimacy Stage is a life long journey.

She should continue to open up more and share her thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities. He should continue to express his love, show more interest and desire, and look forward to regular physical intimacy.

Both of them should grow closer and feel the joy of a deeper emotional connection and increased physical contact.


Tips for Men

The biggest challenge for him during this stage is to understand that she will show more vulnerability in the relationship. Her emotions will tend to rise and fall – like a wave.

She may feel very loving and happy for consecutive days, but once her emotions reach their peak, her wave crashes, and she has very little to give. She may feel overwhelmed, insecure, or resentful, but he should avoid taking it personally.

This is when he needs to draw from the skills he learned in Stage Three and continue to give his best without expecting an immediate return. He should avoid trying to talk her out of her feelings. Rather than give solutions, he should provide greater understanding, empathy, and just listen.


Tips for Women

Just as her feelings tend to rise and fall with the increased intimacy, men experience the need to get close and pull away – like a rubber band.

The more intimate a man becomes with a woman, the more he will sometimes feel a need to have some distance. This is normal. Each time he pulls away, his love grows as he experiences missing her and wanting to be close again.

This back-and-forth urge is natural for a man and mimics the testosterone production in his body. This goes against a woman’s basic instinct, so it is difficult for her to support him in the process. As a result, she may unknowingly sabotage the growth of a man’s love and attraction for her by pursuing him or trying to convince him to return.

His need to pull away will decline less and less as emotional intimacy deepens in the relationship. A man’s tendency to pull away is most extreme when he experiences intimacy before he is ready. If a man gets close to a woman before he has experienced chemistry on all four levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – he may not come back when he pulls away. If he has not experienced enough love, then the rubber band breaks.


The Challenge

The challenge during the Intimacy Stage is understanding how each person handles intimacy differently and giving that person what they need, when they need it.

He can struggle with his need to be autonomous while also being committed. She struggles with avoiding the urge to chase him.



Stage Five: Engagement

The final stage of dating happens when the couple decides to make the ultimate commitment and get married. Both people are clear that they want to be with one another forever. It is a time to build a life and future plans.

Engagement is also the best time for a couple to practice before they are married. Marriage is like a magnifying glass. Everything becomes bigger. As the love grows, so do the problems and pressures.

It is a great time to practice the two most important skills of staying married: the ability to apologize and the ability to forgive.

Apologies and forgiveness are interdependent. When one partner apologizes, that makes it easier for the other to find forgiveness. When one partner is very forgiving, that makes it easy for the other to apologize.

It is difficult for a man to apologize for his mistakes when he does not sense he will be forgiven. It is equally difficult for a woman to forgive a man’s mistakes when he does not apologize.

When a woman deliberately chooses to focus on creating a positive and receptive attitude by forgiving, she then discovers how much a man really wants to please her and support her. She experiences and learns that her love, not her punishments, brings out the best in him.


The Bottom Line

It is important to respect all Five Stages of Dating. Sometimes, both partners are too eager and they skip stages together. This does not necessarily mean that they will not make it through all the stages, but it does mean that they will not gain the insights and ability necessary to build a strong foundation for the relationship to grow.

Throughout the Five Stages of Dating, it is important to understand why he should pursue and she should create opportunities to be pursued. She is the jewel and he should remember to always provide the right setting for her to shine.

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. It is a sacred promise that goes deeper than dating. It is a meaningful ritual that marks a new stage of life. It reminds you who you are and releases you to become who you are meant to be.

Throughout my book, Mars and Venus On A Date, I explain the Five Stages of Dating in greater detail. The book is full of valuable insights about how men and women approach dating differently and helps couples to correctly interpret their partners so they will not be misunderstood.

Mars and Venus On A Date helps couples create the relationship of their dreams.

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John Gray - Relationship Advice - The Most Important Relationship
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The Most Important Relationship

John Gray

Most people experience problems in their relationships, and life for that matter, because they don't love themselves.

I know that sounds like a broad statement but it's true. Once you stop loving yourself, you create space for hating yourself.

Love is a cycle that can grow stronger if it is supported...

The more you love yourself, the greater freedom you feel to express yourself. The more you express yourself, the easier it is for people to appreciate the real you and not simply the image you project. The more appreciation and love you receive, the more you love yourself and the cycle continues.

When you don’t love yourself this cycle moves in the opposite direction, with decreasing love and self-expression.

Every relationship in your life can cause this love cycle to break down. Family, teachers, coaches, friends, coworkers, bosses and everyone else have the potential to cause you to stop believing in yourself. This loss of confidence stifles self-expression and disrupts your cycle of self-love.

And once it’s broken, it’s hard to get back on track.


There are five important steps you can take to help you love yourself more.

1. Appreciate yourself
We are taught from childhood that to appreciate ourselves is vain, and vanity is not good. Modesty is an admirable quality, but we often do too good a job of being modest and therefore diminish our self-appreciation for those things that we have accomplished and do well.

2. Desire yourself
We are taught to share early in life. Again, this is an admirable quality. The problem is that as we seek the love and acceptance of our parents and elders many of us become expert at self-sacrifice without learning that some of our dreams will only be accomplished if we focus on our own wants, needs, and desires.

3. Free yourself
Young children catch on quickly that love is often conditional. In the face of a mistake, love is withheld and the pattern is established that mistakes are made at the price of affection. Free yourself from grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them and move forward.

4. Express yourself
The effort to please your parents, family and friends often comes at the price of self-expression. You become preoccupied with becoming like other people and surrender the chance to express your own uniqueness. In time, you learn to live with a sense of inner failure and frustration because you have buried your potential for success.

5. Be yourself
If you experienced love being turned on and off to you as a child, you probably decided that your worth and goodness depends on your ability to please others. Simply being yourself earned you little praise or recognition.


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How to Have More Sex and Less Porn in Your Relationship

John Gray


I was interviewd in the video above by Leana Greene, CEO of Kids In The House.

Kids In The House is an educational website devoted to parenting. Below are the questions and my answers.


Q: Dr. Gray, my question for you is, how do you get your wife's sex drive back, and how can you keep it running in the long term?


A: In order to bring back the passion in a relationship, there is no quick fix. It takes a lot of romance, it takes good communication, it takes working a little bit on your relationship.

We expect things to happen automatic today. We have immediate gratification, but actually, our life has sped up so much, and we have to slow it down, we have to spend more time together.

And for women to feel attracted to their partners, they really need to feel a polarity where a man listening more to her, and she's listening less to him. Or he's doing more things for her, and she's doing less things for him.

And it all has to do with stimulating in her body higher levels of estrogen. Estrogen, for a woman to be attracted to a man and turned on, her estrogen levels need to double. And whenever you feel love and loved, someone's doing things for you, someone's listening to you, someone's attending to you, your estrogen levels go up.

When women are doing that for a man, his estrogen levels go up, but that doesn't increase his sexual interest.

It's testosterone that increases his sexual interest. When a man's testosterone levels are rising, that also increases a woman's sexual interest, because, when a man has higher testosterone, it helps to increase a woman's estrogen.

And so, when he's doing things for her, and she's appreciating what he does, because he's doing the things she needs to increase her estrogen, then his testosterone goes up, and it's a win-win.

So we have to go back to old-fashioned dating skills where you actually have to take time to stimulate the right hormones to create the magic of attraction. But it takes work and new understanding.



Q: My husband is addicted to porn. How can I get his attention back, and how do I get over the fact that he thinks he's not cheating, but I think he is?

A: Well, you know, cheating is a definition according to what agreements couples have.

You know, there's the community of polyamorous, there's people with open relationships. They don't call it cheating, because they've agreed on something. So cheating is rather insulting, rather demeaning, depending upon your agreements.

And what I would try to do is educate him to understand the effects of porn on the brain. I have no judgment against porn. Porn is very exciting. It's stimulating to people. Millions of people around the world are doing it. These are not bad people. But millions of people do drugs. They're addicted to sugar, they're addicted to heroin, they're addicted to drinking. These addictions, people, they feel good, they don't realize how it affects the brain.

But the short explanation is when a man or a woman, but particularly, most of it, 70% is men, when you go to porn to get excited, it stimulates more dopamine, which is the excitement brain chemical, than a human can ever produce. So what that does, is it desensitizes the brain to normal sexual interaction, so you don't get as turned on to your partner, if you're getting turned on to fantasy.

So I'm against all these ideas of go use porn to get turned on to your partner, go use fantasy to do it. Fantasy, or going to other partners to stimulate attraction to your partner, it will stimulate dopamine, but it decreases your brain's ability to be turned onto your partner.


And all of this about hormones and keeping the passion for a lifetime, and so forth, it's in my latest book called Beyond Mars and Venus. It is so scientific that really men grip onto it, it makes sense to them. Women love the information as well, of course. 

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Why Does He Pull Away?

John Gray

One of the biggest challenges a woman experiences in a relationship is when a man pulls away. He may disappear for a few hours or even a few days, but it is a very natural thing for a man to do. The reason is biological.

The most important things for a woman to remember when a man pulls away: don’t chase him and don’t try to make him feel happy.

When he pulls away, this is not the time for her to get angry, or build resentment, or even feel sorry for herself. This is her time to make herself feel happy by taking care of herself and nurturing the other relationships in her life.

This will keep her happy so when he does return, he can work on making her feel happier. Her happiness is his success. When she is happy, he feels a sense of accomplishment. This makes him happy and gives him a sense of connection and love.



Why He Pulls Away

Remember I said the reason men pull away is biological?

It starts with his hormones. A man requires ten to thirty times more testosterone than a woman. A man spends all day making testosterone and using it up as he solves problems and makes decisions. If it’s a good day and everything ran smoothly, he feels successful and confident. And he has plenty of testosterone when he returns home.

If the day is difficult and stressful, and he feels overwhelmed, his body releases estrogen. Estrogen works to lower testosterone. So, when he is faced with too many decisions or problems, he may suffer from low testosterone, especially at the end of the day when he returns home.

So how does he rebuild testosterone?

He retreats to a non-stressful environment to relax. He may choose to do nothing, like watching TV or simply meditating. Or he may also choose to do something that is easy and task-driven with a sense of accomplishment. He just doesn't want to do anything that creates estrogen – like being close to a woman.

He may love his wife and want to be with her but as soon as he is with her and interacts with her, it stimulates the production of estrogen, which lowers his testosterone levels and keeps his stress levels high.



What To Do

When he pulls away, she should avoid chasing him or waiting for him. She should go and do things that make her happy. This will keep her happy and create a good space for him to return to.

When he does come back, she shouldn’t punish him or make him feel bad. This gives him the message to not come back.

She also shouldn’t bother him or ask him when he will return. This will only lengthen his separation. A great way for her to tell him she is thinking of him is by sending him fun and happy text messages. This will show him she is happy and it will encourage him to return to her. A happy woman makes man feel happy.

There are many reasons why a man pulls away in a relationship. I give real examples with simple and very effective communication tools in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus. 


Click here for my video about Beyond Mars and Venus and a free gift!

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How To Make A Woman Happy

John Gray


Men are always asking me, "What do I do when she is unhappy?". Most of them list all things they have said or things they have tried to do to make the women in their lives happy.

But my response for all of them is the same:


There is nothing you can say or do to make her happy. Women can only make themselves happy, but men have the power to make them happier.

So how does a man make a woman happier?

First, we need to understand why she is feeling unhappy. When a woman is unhappy, it's due to stress. Her hormones are out of balance and she needs help getting them back on track.

When a woman is stressed out and unhappy, a man will usually react defensively and think he needs to fix her state of unhappiness. He also feels a sense of failure and is motivated to make her feel happy again. But making her happy is not his job.

His job is to provide safety for her to find her own happiness.

So ... how does a man make a woman happier? He can't. But he can make her happier after she has made herself happy.



What To Say

The best way for a woman to restore her happiness is through communication. So it is a man's job to help her feel safe when she is sharing her feelings.

When a woman can open up to a man who listens with respect, compassion, and empathy, it produces estrogen and oxytocin, which helps lower her stress levels and restores her happiness.

Just as a man loves to be appreciated, a woman loves to be heard. So the best thing a man can do to make her happier is to simply listen.

A couple should take ten minutes at the end of each day to allow her to talk about her feelings - but those feelings can't be about him. She should just be able to talk about her day and feel safe to do so.

It can be challenging at first for a woman to talk about her feelings to their partner without complaining. A woman I once explained this process to said to me, “If I am not supposed to talk about our relationship, then what is there to talk about?”

With practice, there is always plenty to talk about. A woman has a world of feelings and emotional reactions that get dismissed or suppressed during the day. She needs to shine a light inside and express what is there.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list different examples for how a woman can share her feelings without making it sound like a complaint about her partner.

The focus should be to get her to talk without feeling resistance from him. If she can express, discontent, disappointment, concerns, fears, and frustration, without the feeling that he is going to rescue her, then estrogen levels will rise higher and her stress levels will go lower.

This gives her the ability to find her own happiness.

The more a man shows interest in what a woman is saying, feeling, liking, wanting, or needing, the more supported she will feel. When a man shows interest in what a woman is saying, she feels he is interested in her, and that is a big oxytocin and estrogen producer.

I will admit, there are those times when a man is not that interested in what she is saying, but because he is always interested in making her happy, when he realizes that she will feel personally supported if he listens, then he becomes more interested in what she has to say.



What To Do

Men need to remember that listening is not just the first step in solving a problem. When a woman is stressed, it is also a solution. Without having to “do” anything, he can be the hero.

Women need to remember that complaining to her partner about him never works. By learning to meet her need to be heard by sharing problems that are not about him, she can discover her power to bring out the best in a man.

As he listens more without feeling defensive, he automatically becomes more empathetic, compassionate, and motivated to help her. With practice, he discovers that without him saying anything or doing anything, she moves from feeling upset to feeling good just by freely sharing her feelings.

A couple should carve out 10-15 minutes every day so she can simply talk to him while he listens.

When a woman is talking, a man can give her the best support by showing more interest.

Here are three easy messages that man can use to show he is a supportive listener:

• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “Tell me more about that.”
• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “What else?”
• Whenever possible, when a woman speaks, look at her and say, “Help me understand that better.”

Then finish the talk with a good hug. This simple practice will greatly increase her oxytocin and estrogen levels, which help keep her stress levels down to help her find happiness.

This will also help the man feel happier too. A man is always happiest when his partner is happy. Whenever she is happy, he feels appreciated because he tends to automatically take credit for her happiness. Her happiness is the symbol that he has made a difference in her life.

Learn more simple ways for finding happiness in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.


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HEALTH ADVICE

Why Probiotics Are So Important For Overall Health

John Gray

Ever had a “gut” feeling?

There may be more to it than you realize.

It is estimated that over 500 species of bacteria lives in our gut, intestines, and stomach. Up until the past few years, researchers paid little attention to the colonies of bacteria that live in the lower gut.

Today, we know maintaining a healthy balance of good versus bad bacteria is important because people with more beneficial bacteria are less likely to suffer from a wide range of diseases and conditions.

The bacteria that call our intestines home influence everything in your body, especially your brain. Links have been made between the microbiota and depression, anxiety and stress. Your gut bacteria may even affect how well you sleep. A healthy gut helps create a healthy brain.

A recent study found that the addition of a “good” strain of the bacteria lactobacillus to the gut of mice reduced their anxiety levels. The effect was blocked after cutting the vagus nerve – the main connection between brain and gut. This and other studies suggests the gut-brain axis is being used by bacteria to affect the brain.


Balancing the Bacteria

Traditional diets around the world have typically included raw and fermented foods full of beneficial strains of bacteria. Yogurt, kefir, sauerkraut, and fermented fish, all offer a helathy amount of good bacteria.

In our modern society however, we’ve effectively managed to pasteurize, irradiate, and process out any naturally occurring beneficial bacteria while feeding the harmful bacteria in our gut a feast of processed starches and sugars. Antibiotic use and other pharmaceuticals also further aggravate this problem.

One of the best ways to keep beneficial bacteria from becoming depleted is to avoid the things that deplete it in the first place, including:


- Antibiotic use (especially if it can be avoided or natural alternatives can be used)
- Use of antibacterial soap
- Overuse of harsh cleaning chemicals to sanitize environment
- Consumption of processed, refined foods, sugars, or excess of starches
- Any sources of stress on the body that can be avoided (lack of sleep, overexertion, etc.)


How To Boost Your Bacteria

Beneficial bacteria is necessary to properly digest food and to absorb nutrients. It plays a big role in overall immunity. With the rise of digestive problems like IBS, Crohn’s disease, Celiac Disease, colitis, allergies, etc., a good dose of beneficial bacteria certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Fortunately, even if you’ve depleted your beneficial bacteria by some of the methods above, there are ways to increase it and help balance the bacteria in your digestive system. 

Here are some tips for boosting your probiotic balance:

Reduce or stop eating sugars, grains, starches, or vegetable oils. These foods deplete beneficial bacteria very quickly, which can suppress immunity and lead to a variety of health problems.

Eat more vegetables, proteins and fats. These foods help support beneficial bacteria that feed on certain types of fiber in foods like veggies. They will also support the body in culturing additional good bacteria.

Consume fermented foods and drinks. Foods like sauerkraut, fermented veggies, kefir, yogurt, and naturally aged cheeses are natural sources of probiotics. Eating a variety of these can help get in all the beneficial strains of bacteria. Cultured drinks like kombucha and water or milk kefir also provide probiotics.

Use natural soap and water instead of antibacterial soap. Antibacterial soap kills bacteria, good or bad, and some suggest that overuse of antibacterial soap may be contributing to the rise in resistant strains of bacteria like MRSA.

Don’t overuse antibiotics. There may be cases when antibiotics must be used, but for mild illnesses that can be left to run their course or treated naturally, consider skipping the antibiotics, which will deplete all gut bacteria, including the beneficial strains. If you do need to take antibiotics, make sure to take a high-quality probiotic at the same time and for a while afterward to help replenish bacteria.

Take A Probiotic Supplement. Many people need more help in the probiotic department than simple dietary changes can provide. This is also an important recommendation if you are currently using or recently have used antibiotics. Children with eczema, allergies, digestive problems or those who were formula fed can often benefit from probiotics as well.


Bravo Probiotics

The best probiotic I have found is Bravo Probiotics. Unlike most commercial probiotic brands that claim to stimulate the immune system and contain 2 to 6 microbial strains, Bravo contains more than 40 microbial strains!

Bravo Super Probiotic Yogurt Kit contains essential probiotics to restore healthy gut function and digestion. Many people have found after only three months of use, they have experienced its many benefits by completely restoring healthy gut function.

There are three forms of Bravo Probiotics:

1. Bravo Probiotic Yogurt. This special probiotic yogurt is something you make at home each week.
2. Bravo Concentrate. This capsule form is ready to use out of the bottle with no preparation.
3. Non-dairy Probiotic Drink. This special non-dairy drink is something you make at home each week as well.

The big difference between Bravo Yogurt and Bravo Concentrate is the yogurt works to fully line the mucosa of the intestines, which helps leaky gut to restore proper digestion. If your body is unable to tolerate the yogurt, the concentrated Bravo capsules will also help restore proper digestion, just more gradually. Non-dairy Bravo is ideal for people who are lactose intolerant because it just as strong as the yogurt and the capsules.

The Bravo concentrate capsules do not require refrigeration but refrigeration is ideal. The yogurt and non-dairy drink should be refrigerated after they are made. The powders are very stable and can be shipped without any refrigeration however.

It is recommended to have the Bravo probiotic yogurt after a main meal of protein and leafy greens. It is best, if possible, to hold the yogurt in the mouth and swish around for 10-30 seconds. Next swallow and don’t rinse out the mouth or clean teeth for at least 30 minutes. 

This natural supplement activates the immune system and some people experience minor side effects in the first 2 weeks. You may feel a swelling of lymph nodes, brief headaches and low energy while the immune system is busy working to support healthy function. You may also experience an allergic reaction that includes diarrhea, constipation and a sensitive tongue. This often a die off of bad bacteria. Simply reduce the amount you are taking and slowly build up the amount.


LEARN MORE ABOUT BRAVO PROBIOTICS HERE



The statements and products referred to throughout this site have not been evaluated by the FDA. They are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. They are the expressed opinion of John Gray for the sole purpose of educating the public regarding their health, happiness and improved quality of relationships. Individual results may vary. Seek the advice of a competent health care professional for your specific health concerns.

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HEALTH ADVICE

Should I Take Magnesium?

John Gray


Magnesium And The Body

Many nutrients are essential for good health but few are more crucial than magnesium. Magnesium is used by every organ in your body and none of our cells could function without it. Magnesium is also involved in more than 325 enzyme reactions.

When you are low in magnesium, you can suffer from body aches, muscle spasms, eye twitches, tension headaches, reduced energy, constipation, poor sleep, and overwhelming feelings of stress.

Nearly half of all Americans aren’t meeting their daily magnesium needs, including over 70 percent of those older than 70.

Older people are at risk for magnesium deficiency because they not only tend to consume less of it than younger adults but also may absorb less from what they eat, and their kidneys may excrete more of it.

Digestive disorders such as Crohn’s disease and celiac disease can also affect magnesium absorption, and people who have Type 2 diabetes or who take diuretics may lose more through their urine. Long-term use of proton pump inhibitors (PPIs) for acid reflux have also been shown to lead to a magnesium deficiency.



Why Magnesium Matters

These shortfalls may contribute to diminished health long-term. In a 2016 review of 40 studies involving a total of more than 1 million people, researchers found that every 100 mg increase in magnesium from food reduced the risk of heart failure by 22 percent, Type 2 diabetes by 19 percent and stroke by 7 percent. This is why magnesium injections are sometimes given to heart attack patients.

Those who consumed more magnesium were also less likely to die of any cause during the studies’ follow-up periods, which ranged from four to 30 years.

Besides the more life-threatening conditions, magnesium can also help improve your sleep, encourage a sense of calm, and help cramps disappear, muscles relax and joint pain fade.

When you can’t sleep it’s usually because you’re suffering from one or more symptoms of magnesium deficiency that attack at night. These symptoms (stress, dreamless sleep, and muscle spasms) are all easily fixed by simply getting enough magnesium daily.

Magnesium fights lactic acid build-up which causes your muscles to become tight and sore. Magnesium also regulates how much calcium enters your bones. Most people don’t know that over calcification lurks behind a lot of unnecessary joint pain.



John Gray Mars Venus Magnesium Supplements


The Right Amount of Magnesium

Women should be getting 320 milligrams of magnesium per day and men should be getting 420 mg per day.

Though no one food has a huge amount of the nutrient, you can get enough from your food if you make the right diet choices every day. Dark leafy greens, legumes, nuts, and whole grains are all helpful.

For instance, these foods supply at least 50 mg per serving: ½ cup cooked quinoa, 2 tablespoons pumpkin seeds, ¼ cup almonds, ¾ cup cooked chickpeas, 2 heaping cups raw spinach, and 1 ounce 70 to 85 percent dark chocolate.


Many of us don’t keep a steady supply of these ingredients at home or simply don’t remember to eat the right amounts of them to keep our magnesium levels up. That is why supplements can help so much.


The Best Magnesium Supplements

There are many options for magnesium supplements.

Some people prefer to add a magnesium supplement to their stacks of tablets and capsules. The best magnesium supplement in tablet form is Jigsaw Magnesium with Sustained Release Technology.

Jigsaw Magnesium is uniquely formulated to combine Magnesium in the form of Dimagnesium Malate with supporting active B-vitamins. Dimagnesium malate is formed when 2 ions of magnesium are attached to a molecule of malic acid (an organic compound found in fruits and vegetables, especially apples).

Fortunately, the bond between magnesium and malic acid is weak, allowing it to be readily soluble and easily absorbed in the body.

Jigsaw's Sustained Release Technology (SRT) is why this magnesium supplement is so different than others. Instead of magnesium being dumped into your system all once, SRT slows down the release of magnesium over 6-8 hours allowing maximum absorption. This reduces any laxative side effects that other magnesium supplements can cause.
If taking pills aren’t your thing, there is another great way to add more magnesium to your body.

EASE Magnesium is a topical supplement that enters your bloodstream through your skin. Within 90 seconds it goes to work where you need it most. Each spray delivers approximately 25 mg of magnesium, easing your aches and pains, improving your sleep, and encouraging a sense of relaxation and calm.

EASE is a natural solution of pure water and magnesium chloride hexahydrate, sourced from the Dead Sea, known as iMCH. There are no synthetic additives or preservatives like those you’d find in most rock-derived magnesium formulations.

iMCH is not something you drink, inject, or swallow. You feed it to your body in the most efficient, absorbable way: through the skin. This allows for maximum absorption with even less risk of overdose or digestion troubles.



Click Here to learn more about Magnesium Supplements



The statements and products referred to throughout this site have not been evaluated by the FDA. They are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. They are the expressed opinion of John Gray for the sole purpose of educating the public regarding their health, happiness and improved quality of relationships. Individual results may vary. Seek the advice of a competent health care professional for your specific health concerns.

 

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What Women Want In Relationships

John Gray


Sigmund Freud famously asked the question, “What do women want?” but he never found a definitive answer. I offer some help to an answer in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.

As relationships continue to evolve and change, the needs and wants of women change with them. Thousands of years ago, a woman would depend on a man to provide her physical needs, such as food and shelter, for her and her children’s survival. Today women can certainly take care of themselves, but the echoes of evolution remain.

The most important thing a woman wants from a man is still safety, however today it is emotional safety than physical safety.

In the past men protected women from physical danger; today women need men to create emotional safety so that they can express themselves and their feelings authentically. This gives women what they want and helps them, ultimately, find happiness in a relationship. As adults, we are all responsible for our own happiness, but we can certainly help each other in that process by acting with love.

Without this insight, men often complain they don’t know what women want. What he says or does one day works great; the next day, it doesn’t. This is because with each change in a woman’s hormonal cycle, her needs in a relationship change as well.

Understanding a woman’s different hormonal changes during her menstrual phases is important for both women and men. It gives women new power to motivate a man to provide the romance, good communication, and help she needs to find happiness and ultimately get what she wants – the safety to express her authentic self.

Looking at a woman’s hormonal changes during her monthly menstrual cycle reveals the best times of the month for a man and a woman to apply different hormone-stimulating behaviors that lower her stress. I separate these changes into three phrases in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus.


You Time

This phase happens in the first five days after a woman’s period. During this time, she has the greatest power to restore hormonal balance and lower her stress. Her body begins naturally making testosterone and her estrogen levels are rising. Her needs and fulfillment at work are more important than her personal needs at home. She expresses more of her male qualities and engages more in work bonding with the support of her female side for the benefit of others.

During You Time, it is important for a man to provide the safety and support for her to freely express herself to help her feel happiness, appreciation, and fulfillment.


We Time

Beginning on the six day until about the tenth day after her period, around the time of ovulation, a woman has a need to engage in more pair bonding. Her oxytocin levels are increasing, which lowers her testosterone (if it is too high) and increases her estrogen. Her estrogen level naturally peaks in this phase, doubling in comparison to any other time in her cycle. Her oxytocin will also rise to its highest level, depending on the support she receives.

This five-day window is when a man’s romantic overtures and efforts have the biggest impact. His affection, touch, romantic actions, good communication, and compassion can make the biggest impact and have a lasting effect during the rest of the month. She might need just a three-second hug or she might need a ten-minute Venus Talk or to plan a romantic date.

She is also very vulnerable and needs his emotional and caring support the most at this time. This is the time when he can her hero. If she does not get that support during the five days of We Time, then for the next eighteen days she will feel something is missing in her relationship and either want more or feel a growing sense of resentment. However, when her We Time needs are met during this five-day window of time, then she doesn’t need pair bonding as much during the rest of her cycle.


Me Time

Me Time happens a couple of days after the full moon until five days after the new moon, about eighteen days in all. During this phase of her hormonal cycle, a woman is engaging in either social bonding or self-nurturing activities. Whether she’s spending Me Time on her own or with others, she is expressing her male and female qualities. She is doing what she wants, without sacrifice.

These activities - social bonding and self-nurturing - increase her progesterone, which in turn lowers her estrogen level if it is too high. If her testosterone levels have been depleted during You Time, she will need more self-nurturing activities during Me Time. Like a man’s cave time, self-nurturing activities, besides increasing progesterone, help a woman restore testosterone, which will increase her libido and energy.

If her estrogen levels go too high during We Time because she is giving more than she is getting back, social bonding during Me Time can increase her progesterone enough to lower her estrogen. This surge of progesterone will calm her mind, lower her stress, and increase her positive feelings.

If she is stressed, then too much pair bonding will have the opposite effect from the one she wants. Because oxytocin increases her estrogen, too much pair bonding can actually suppress her progesterone at the very time when her body needs more of it.

The key for a man to be able to give a woman what she wants is to understand her need to shift from We Time to Me Time. I encourage all men (and women) to read my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, for more insight on this important relationship skill.


Give Her What She Wants

Understanding these three phases can give a man greater confidence in his relationships. He is better able to recognize her changing moods and know what she needs and wants.

Ultimately every man wants the woman in his life to be happy. But he cannot make her happy. He can only offer her the love, support and safety to make her happier.

So what do women want? 

A woman wants want a man to create safety for her to find her happiness.


Maybe a better question is what do women need? 

A woman needs to learn how to find her happiness after she feels safe...



Get Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today's Complex World here.


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HEALTH ADVICE

5 Ways Grape Seeds Can Boost Your Health

John Gray

Grapes have been used for centuries to treat a number of different health conditions. The leaves of the vine were used to treat inflammation and pain, and the unripened grapes were used to soothe sore throats.

The seeds of grapes were largely ignored because little was known about their health benefits. The wine and juice industry still consider them a waste product because they don’t go into the finished drinks.

However, grape seeds contain a vast array of healthy ingredients, such as protein, lipids, carbohydrates and polyphenols (which come mainly in the form of flavonoids, also known as bioflavonoids). The term flavonoid is used for a class of plant chemicals known for their activity as highly potent antioxidants, and therefore for their capability in protecting the body against oxidative and free radical damage.

Free radicals can develop as a result of sun damage, pollution, cigarette smoke and even stress. A free radical is an atom that has at least one unpaired electron and is therefore unstable and highly reactive. To make up for this empty slot, the free radical will try to steal an electron from a healthy cell in your body. When this happens, it sets off a chain reaction because the healthy cell that was stolen from is now a damaged cell and it looks to steal an electron from another cell. This leaves behind a chain of damaged molecules, and the body’s structure is now weakened.

Antioxidants protect healthy cells from unstable molecules that can cause damage to healthy cells on the skin and in the body. Two of the most famous antioxidants are vitamins E and vitamin C.

Grape seed extract is another.

Grape seed extract contains several plant compounds, including oligomeric proanthocyanidins, or OPCs. OPCs are powerful antioxidants, and the OPCs in grape seed extract contain 20 times the antioxidant power of vitamin E and 50 times the antioxidant power of vitamin C.

One important compound found in grape seeds is procyanidin. It was initially discovered in 1936 by Professor Jacques Masquelier, who called it Vitamin P, although the name didn’t really catch on.

Procyanidins are thought to protect the body from premature aging. Scientists think they do this by increasing vitamin C levels in the cells and scavenging for toxins so the organs can get rid of them.

Procyanidins also bond with collagen, the most abundant protein in the body and a key component of skin, gums, bones, teeth, hair and body tissues. This bonding promotes cell health and skin elasticity, making the skin seem more youthful. Procyanidins also help protect the skin from sun damage.


The Health Benefits of Grape Seed Extract

The more research that emerges on grape seeds, the more it becomes clear they have wide-reaching health benefits.


High Blood Pressure

The antioxidants, including flavonoids, linoleic acid, and phenolic procyanidins, in grape seed extract help protect your blood vessels from damage, which may help prevent high blood pressure. Grape seed extract has previously been shown to help dilate blood vessels and was shown to lower blood pressure in people with metabolic syndrome (most of whom also had prehypertension). Another study found that a grape seed extract beverage improved blood pressure in people with pre-hypertension, while a single dose of grape seed extract improved blood pressure in hypertensive rats.


High Cholesterol

Grape seed extract helps to strengthen blood vessels, by increasing the tone and elasticity of capillary walls. Results from human case reports and animal studies show that grape seed extract may be useful to treat heart diseases, such as high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Grape seed extract slows down the oxidation of the fats that responsible for cholesterol. The longer it takes for fats to oxidize, the less likely they will clog up your veins and arteries.


Brain Function

Animal studies suggest grape seed extract may even be useful as a preventative or therapeutic agent in Alzheimer's disease. A 2009 study published in Neurotoxicity Research found that grape seed extract led to less inflammation of the brain, which may help to protect against Alzheimer's disease.

Researchers from Mount Sinai School of Medicine conducted experiments in mice with Alzheimer's disease to see if grape seeds could affect Alzheimer's disease-type cognitive deterioration. For 5 months, the mice received grape seed extract or water alone as a placebo treatment. The mice were then tested in various mazes to determine brain function. Brain tissue samples were also tested to see if there was evidence of Alzheimer's disease. The mice treated with grape seed extract had significantly reduced Alzheimer's disease-type cognitive deterioration compared to the other mice.



Healthy Skin

Research has shown that grape seed extract can protect the body from sun damage and premature wrinkles and pigment changes. A report published in the Journal of Medicinal Food claimed that grape seed extract benefits the skin's appearance by bonding with collagen to maintain skin cell health and the skin's elasticity.


Diabetes

In 2013, researchers discovered that combining grape seed extract along with exercise training improved lipid profile, weight loss, blood pressure and other diabetic complications better than either intervention administered alone. According to researchers, "This [grape seed extract and exercise training] may constitute a convenient and inexpensive therapeutic approach to diabetic complications.”


Swelling

Grape seed extract has been found to inhibit leg swelling that can occur during prolonged sitting. Swelling is also common after breast cancer surgery. One double-blind, placebo-controlled study found that breast cancer patients who took 600 mg of grape seed extract daily after surgery for six months had less swelling and pain than those who took placebo. Another study found that people who took grape seed extract after experiencing a sports injury had less swelling than those who took placebo.


Chronic Venous Insufficiency

The OPCs in grape seed extract may benefit this condition. About 80 percent of those who consumed OPCs had an improvement in symptoms after the first 10 days of treatment. Feelings of heaviness, itching, and pain were reduced significantly.


Bones and Joints

Grape seed extract has been shown to improve bone formation, bone strength and improve flexibility in the joints.


What To Do

If you enjoy snacking on seeded grapes, there's no reason to spit out the seeds anymore! However, to reach therapeutic quantities of grape seeds you'd need to eat a lot of grapes.

You could buy whole grape seeds but they're very bitter. If you're willing to get past the bitter taste, then whole grape seeds are an option.

If not, grape seed extract is available in supplement form. Grape seed extract is available in the form of liquid, capsules or tablets. For benefits to the skin, it can be taken internally or applied topically. There is no daily recommended amount at this time, but some studies used doses of between 100 to 300 milligrams/day.


FIND GRAPE SEED EXTRACT HERE

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Four Stages To Creating A Soul Mate Relationship

John Gray


To have a successful relationship, you need to be open to creating change - epecially changing yourself.

Most people who complain about their relationship are simply missing the passion they felt in the beginning of the relationship. They want more passion, better communication, and a closer connection with their partner.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I describe the feelings and thoughts people experience when they are not getting what they need in their relationships. I also explain in depth what you need to do to feel fulfilled in your relationship and create a lasting and passionate Soul Mate relationship. You should read my book for a clear understanding of these ideas, but I will share parts with you now.


There are four stages that most couples move through towards creating a Soul Mate relationship:


Stage One: Stop Changing Your Partner

In the first stage, you may easily get upset, complain, yell, withhold your love, punish, shame, or criticize just to communicate the simple message to your partner, “This doesn’t work for me. I would prefer you do something else.”

If you are not getting what you need and you are wanting more in your relationship, it’s important to know how to communicate that to your partner. If there is a tone of dissatisfaction in your voice, your partner is going to hear your request as a complaint, criticism, unsolicited advice or simply an unwanted suggestion.

Your partner will often think, “I need to change myself to make my partner happy.” This will make your partner feel controlled.

When you are in this first stage, communication with your partner is primarily based on what you believe is right or wrong and not always what is loving and kind. It is based on what you believe is good or bad according to your social conditioning or your own expectations and standards of behaving.

This leads to attempts to manipulate your partner into making the changes that you demand through punishing and shaming. Punishing and shaming come from a primitive part of the brain. When you are stressed, blood flow to your reasonable and loving part of the brain is redirected to more primeval parts of the brain, and your automatic reaction is to attempt to control our partner.

If you recognize that your relationship is in stage one, then the first change you need to make is to stop trying to change your partner. That’s it. Just stop making suggestions, no unsolicited advice and don’t be critical of your partner, whether you are vocal about it or not.


Stage Two: Change Yourself

Once you have stopped trying to change your partner, you are ready for the second stage: changing yourself.

The best way you can change yourself is to lower your stress levels. When you are stressed, it’s harder to change; it’s harder to listen; it’s harder to love.

Take some time to learn about your hormones and how they regulate your stress levels. If you learn how to balance your hormones correctly, you will feel more satisfied, happy and fulfilled in most areas of your life, especially your relationship.

When there is drama, fighting, cold wars, or theatrics, instead of dropping back to stage one, you are able to recognize you are stressed and do something that is not dependent on changing your partner to feel better.

Then, without requiring your partner to change for your happiness, you can then consider how to interact in a way that works better for your partner and for yourself.

No one is perfect, so you can’t stay in stage two all the time. But at least you can recognize how you may have contributed to any dispute, problem, escalation of tension, or mistake.


Stage Three: Give Your Partner More

Now that you are feeling good, it’s time to focus on your partner. So the third stage towards a more successful, Soul Mate relationship is to give your partner more.

The tricky part with giving your partner more is understanding what they need. Men and women have different needs in life and in relationships.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list all the different needs of men and women when it comes to relationships. It is very important to understand these different needs of men and women if you are ever going to create a Soul Mate relationship.

By this third stage, you begin to discover more compassion and wisdom as well as other aspects of higher love. This higher love is what allows you to express your full potential in life. It is what gives you patience, confidence, acceptance, and lasting love. It’s also the foundation of every Soul Mate relationship.

There are still challenges in stage three, but there is far less drama. You begin to recognize that all challenges in a relationship are opportunities to become a more loving person.

By overcoming your inner resistance to finding and expressing love during times when it is difficult to do so, all aspects of your life becomes easier and more fulfilling.

Your demand for perfection is replaced by a liberating acceptance of what cannot change, an appreciation for what can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.


Stage 4: Asking For What You Want

Now that you have given your partner more, it’s time to ask for what you need and want.

In this stage you feel much less resistant toward life’s inevitable challenges, less attachment to getting everything you want when you want it, and less avoidance of the things you want to do or be.

You have reflected on what works and doesn’t work and you have made changes to yourself and your communication. So now when you ask for something that requires change by your partner, your requests will be heard and received by your partner as just simple requests and not complaints.

In this stage, you fully accept that relationships and life will always present new challenges to your ability to find a greater love within yourself. It is a radical acceptance that life is not perfect, your partner is not perfect, and problems and challenges will never go away, but all of that is okay.

In stage one, these obstacles are like big speed bumps that slow you down. Now they are simply unexpected turns in the road of your life, which bring opportunities for gaining new insights and greater inner strength, wisdom, and love.

Getting to this stage in your relationship gives you the freedom to be all that you can be, and to do what we are here in this world to do. It is in this stage, after growing in compassion and wisdom and other aspects of higher love, that you experience the freedom of unconditional love.

This unconditional love, particularly for and from your intimate partner, provides you with great comfort, always reminding you that while life is not perfect, you are here to make it better—for your partner, your family, and the world.

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What Stops People From Creating A Soul Mate Relationship?

John Gray


When I first wrote Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, the major challenge in most relationships was learning how to accept and understand our common gender differences in order to improve communication and restore the romance.

While readers found these insights were incredibly helpful then and still will today, now the bigger challenge is to balance the expression of our male and female sides to lower our stress and create a relationship that is passionate and lasts a lifetime – a Soul Mate relationship.


Balancing Masculine And Feminine

As women become decision makers and leaders, they express more masculine qualities like problem solving, detachment, and independence. This freedom to express their male side is valuable and important, but without the support they need to return to their female side for balance, their stress levels rise, along with feelings of dissatisfaction about their partner, their relationship, and their life in general.

In a similar way, as men express more of their female side both at work and at home, their stress levels rise. At work, many men are expressing more female qualities like cooperation, nurturing, and interdependence. Likewise, workplaces over the past fifty years have dramatically integrated a wide range of feminine qualities: team building, better communication skills,  improved working conditions and more flexible working hours, as well as greater inclusiveness, respect, and appreciation for women’s contributions.

The more men express their female side at work, the better the workplace becomes for all of us, but without the insight and support to return to his male side, his stress levels will rise and he will have less to give to his relationship at home. Unable to find balance, he begins to feel more dissatisfaction with his partner, his relationships, and his life in general.

Men are further tapping into their female side at home, by attempting to provide more love and support for their partners than their fathers did. Even more significant are the increasing numbers of fathers who are more involved in parenting at home. His extra support, particularly with so many women working outside the home, helps to reduce the pressure and feeling of being overwhelmed so many women feel when they return home. But while this nurturing time is valuable and important to a man, his wife, and their children, it also lowers his testosterone levels.

With this greater expression of their female sides, men also have a greater need to find balance. Without this balance, their energy levels drop and feelings of dissatisfaction and stress gradually increase.


In traditional Role Mate relationships, to recover from a stressful day at work, most men would take some time to lower their stress by reading the newspaper or watching TV. They would relax, have a drink, and forget the problems of their day.

But in our complex modern world, if both men and women are to find balance, his taking this time to relax is not enough. New communication skills are required that support his male side, while simultaneously helping his partner return to her female side.

When a woman returns home from work, she needs a new kind of support to reconnect with her female side to lower her stress levels and be happy. Likewise, a man also needs a new kind of support to reconnect with his male side to lower his stress and be happy. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I explore and explain how both their needs can be fulfilled.



Balancing Testosterone And Estrogen

One of the easiest ways to understand and discuss the differences between men and women, as well as learn how to balance our male and female sides, is to understand how our reactions to stress are hormonally different. 

Every couple of years, it is big news in the media when some study reveals that men and women are not that different, with headlines like “The Myth of Mars and Venus” or “Men Are Not from Mars.” These studies are quite misleading because they merely point out that men can develop female characteristics and vice versa. Such reports support the notion that every man and woman has a male and female side, but they also ignore the fact that our hormones are dramatically different and directly affect our moods, behaviors, and health in countless ways.

When a man’s testosterone levels significantly drop or his female hormones go too high, or when a woman’s estrogen and other female hormone levels are too low or high, stress levels go up. A man requires at least ten times more testosterone than a healthy woman to experience health and well-being. On the other hand, a woman requires at least ten times more estrogen than a healthy man to experience health and well-being. This striking difference is universal for all men and women.

Throughout Beyond Mars and Venus I return to this basic hormonal difference again and again. It helps to remind us that our differences are very real despite how similar we may sometimes appear. In fact, understanding this difference gives us the needed insight to make conscious behavior and attitude changes to support our hormonal balance. Balancing our hormones through specific changes grants us new power to lower our stress levels and increase our capacity to express our full potential and create a Soul Mate relationship.

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From A Role Mate Relationship To A Soul Mate Relationship

John Gray

I wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus 25 years ago and it continues to touch the lives of people in over 150 countries.

When I travel the world, the most frequent question I hear is "Does that book still apply to relationships today?"

The short answer: yes, essentially.

The long answer is more complex.

Men Are from Mars still holds timeless teachings that can be applied to every relationship in your life. But I realize the world has changed dramatically since I wrote it. 

Our lives move faster. Our stress levels are higher. Communication has changed. More women are in the workplace. More men are taking on greater responsibilities at home.

We know more about what it takes to create strong relationships and how to communicate better with our partners but this has made us expect more from our partners. When they don’t understand how to fulfill those expectations, we have greater disappointment and failed relationships.

Our parents or grandparents had different expectations. Some would say lower expectations, but I think they were just different. They may not have been happy in their relationships, but they were content in their relationships as long as their partners fulfilled a specific role. This is a Role Mate relationship.


The Role Mate Relationship

A traditional Role Mate relationship is based on stereotypical male and female roles in which the man is the provider and the woman is the nurturing homemaker.

The primary purpose of a Role Mate relationship was to divide responsibilities between men and women to ensure the survival and security of their tribe or society as well as their individual families.

Simply put, partners were picked primarily on their ability to fulfill these roles and not on romantic chemistry.

While Role Mate relationships benefited society, many men and women were left unfulfilled because it meant suppressing parts of themselves that didn’t fit their roles.

Men who wanted to care for their children or who might have preferred a lower-paid but more fulfilling job kept this to themselves because they were needed to support their family.

Women who wanted more intellectual challenge or who had ambitions beyond home life had to stifle this part of themselves to focus on caring for their family.

This self-repression is unacceptable in today’s modern society. We want to experience a higher level of emotional fulfillment that comes from a relationship in which we are able to freely express our authentic and unique selves. This is a Soul Mate relationship.


The Soul Mate Relationship

We have come a long way in the last twenty-five since Men Are from Mars hit the shelves. Mainly men and women today are less dependent on each other to ensure the survival and security of the family.

However, as men and women have become less dependent on each other in the material sense, they have become more dependent on each other for emotional support and personal fulfillment.

For a woman, a man’s strength, size, social status, or wealth are no longer dominant factors in her selection process. They are still factors, but she is also looking for romantic chemistry. Women are especially looking for a partner who can provide a new level of emotional support.

Men’s requirements have changed as well. A woman’s domestic skills are no longer a major requirement for men in picking a marriage partner. He is more interested in how a woman makes him feel than in her abilities to cook and clean, or her race, religion, or social status.


Our Male and Female Sides

With modern conveniences and new opportunities to be self-sufficient, our dependence on a Role Mate has decreased and the requirements of a Soul Mate relationship have taken center stage.

One of the main benefits of the Soul Mate relationship is its potential to awaken and support the natural unfolding and expression of our unique selves.

As we let go of traditional male and female roles, we suddenly have access to parts of ourselves we had previously suppressed or hidden. Instead of being limited to expressing characteristics related to their traditional roles, men now have greater access to their female side and women now have greater access to their male side.

A modern man is no longer required to suppress his female side to be considered a “real” man, and a modern woman is no longer required to hide her male side to be considered a “real” woman.

As a result, we gain access to our authentic, unique selves: our own unique blends of masculine and feminine characteristics.

For a man, access to his unique self allows his feminine sense of love and devotion to come forth. The growing love in his heart gives more meaning to his mission as his purpose extends beyond his own needs to serve the needs of others.

For a woman, this access awakens her masculine sense of mission in harmony with her feminine sense of purpose. A woman’s masculine mission is to make a difference by expressing her unique talents, while her feminine sense of purpose is ultimately to love and be loved.

While love is always a priority in her life, she wants to express that love in a way that makes a difference. Just as she strives to be more loving at home, she brings that love to her work by wanting to be her best self and bring out the best of others.

The expression of our suppressed male or female side releases a tremendous energy and dramatically increases our sense of aliveness, energy, and passion for love and life.


Beyond Mars and Venus


Gender freedom should not mean gender blindness. Men and women are still fundamentally different on a biological and hormonal level. So, yes, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is still important and relevant today, but we need a new set of skills in today's complex world.

We must learn how to express our masculine and feminine qualities in ways that reduce our stress levels and make our relationships stronger. Both men and women require a new kind of emotional support that embraces greater authenticity, intimacy, and personal expression.

A Soul Mate relationship is not something that created naturally and automatically.

It is created through:
  • Our inner commitment to be true to ourselves and find a higher love.
  • A willful intention to let go of past mistakes with forgiveness and, the wisdom to correct our mistakes
  • The understanding and compassion to unconditionally accept our partner’s limitations
  • Faith and courage to open our hearts again and again
     
This is why I had to write Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today's Complex World

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How To Have A Complaint-free Relationship

John Gray

For many men and women, the thought of never having to hear another complaint sounds like heaven. In a complaint-free relationship, love is sure to grow. But complaints are a part of life. To not complain is to hide a part of our authentic self. Sharing complaints is actually not the real problem; it is how you are sharing your complaints about your partner to your partner! A complaint-free relationship does not mean you can never complain; it means you don’t complain about your partner to your partner. You can still complain about other things.

Men and women are sensitive to complaints in different ways. When a man complains to a woman, it often makes the woman more overwhelmed. She will tend to give more in response to his complaints, but will feel overwhelmed and resentful as a result. When a woman complains to a man, it makes the man feel controlled. Eventually, he will stop caring about making her happy and give less to the relationship and to her.

Complaints are a necessary part of life, but we need to upgrade our skills in communicating them so that our partners can hear us in a way that makes them feel supported rather than unappreciated, rejected, criticized, or controlled. Learning to talk so that our partners can hear us is the most important skill in a relationship.


Why Complaining Doesn’t Work

What men and women think they are saying when they complain is often not what their partner hears. For example, when a man complains to his partner, “You are not home enough,” what a woman hears is that she is not being a “nurturing,” “cooperative,” or “loving” partner.

Her reaction is to feel that he doesn’t understand all that she tries to do. What she hears is she has to do more to make him happy. She is also turned off because she feels he is being needy, and to be nurturing, cooperative, and loving she has to give more. In most cases she feels that she is already giving as much as she can, so to give more makes her feel overwhelmed.

Many women have a tendency to feel overwhelmed in these high stress times. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I give many examples of how a man should communicate with his partner to keep the relationship complaint-free.

Here is my favorite: Change the complaints or blame to a positive.

If a man doesn’t like something, he should wait until he is not feeling annoyed or upset and briefly make a request letting her know what he would like from her in the fewest number of words. If the complaint in his mind is, “She is too busy and doesn't spend enough time at home,” then change it to a positive request and say, “Let’s plan to spend more time together. Let me know when you can go over our calendars.”

You could also say something like, “We have been so busy lately. Sometime soon, I’d like to schedule something fun we can do together.” Or you may ask that she just consider a request with a statement like, “Would you think about ways we can spend more time together? I had so much fun when we went for lunch that time.”

If a woman says to a man, “You are not home enough,” it affects him differently than when a woman hears it from a man. It gives the message that he is not giving enough and therefore he is not succeeding in making her happy. She doesn’t realize that, instead of hearing that she loves him and really appreciates being with him, he hears that he is not good enough, that once again he has failed to make her happy.

If she wants him to spend more time at home, then her communication would work much better if she simply said, “Let’s plan to spend more time together. I love being with you. Let me know when you have time to go over our calendars.” Hearing that she loves being with him raises his testosterone and makes him much more willing to sit down and plan some special time together.

A non-demanding request motivates a man best because it gives him the information he needs to give more in a relationship without saying that he has failed her in any way.


A Man’s Greatest Vulnerability

Criticism affects men and women differently, depending on where we are most vulnerable.

A man’s greatest vulnerability has to do with feeling controlled. Even a small complaint or criticism expressed in an emotional tone of unhappiness is kryptonite to a man. Here is a list of complaints, big and small, that will affect a man:
“You are always working.”
“Why can’t you pick up after yourself?”
“You didn’t do what I asked.”
"You ate all the cherries.">br /> “You didn’t call me to let me know you were late.”
“You only think about yourself.”
“You are not listening to me.”
“I don’t feel like you love me anymore.” "You left the light on in the living room again."

Each of these complaints is about his competence, a quality of his male side, so they strike him where he is more vulnerable. Feeling attacked, he will become defensive and to various degrees minimize her message, discount it, complain back, or simply push her away and stop caring about anything she says.

It is often surprising to women which of these are the most offensive. If she links her complaint to emotional unhappiness, then, ironically, the smaller it is, the more annoying it is to a man. If I am two hours late for dinner and I didn’t call, then I can easily understand why she is upset or unhappy with me, but if I left the light on in the living room or I ate all the cherrries, then her complaint is much more annoying.

If a woman links a complaint to emotional unhappiness, then ironically, the smaller it is, the more annoying it is to a man.

If a woman simply comments, without any emotional charge, “You are not around these days, I miss you,” or “Hey, you ate all the cherries, next time save some for me,” then it doesn’t upset him and he is better able to validate and remember her needs or request next time. However, when her complaint is backed with feelings of unhappiness, it affects him negatively.

A man’s male side primarily identifies with feeling successful. As long as he wants to succeed in making her happy, any complaint that is backed up with the emotional charge of her unhappiness pushes his most sensitive buttons. The right or wrong wording has some importance but the message communicated by the tone of her voice and her facial expression have a much greater effect.

When a complaint is expressed in a tone of voice that reveals her unhappiness with him, he will feel controlled. The message he hears is that to make her happy, he “must” spend more time at home or “should” never eat all the cherries. From his point of view, it can sound like a mother scolding a child. Her complaint sounds like a demand that he has do what she says if he is to make her happy.

On the other hand, a non-demanding request frees him to decide on his own to adjust his actions. This supports his independent, assertive, and problem-solving masculine side. Even if he does not fulfill that particular request, he will feel more inclined to support her in other ways.

In a complaint-free relationship, his gradual behavioral adjustments in response to her requests are his gifts of love, rather than obligations. A man will always give more when the message he gets from his partner is that he is already a good and loving partner and that she needs his help.

If a man immediately yields to a woman’s every complaint, either to keep peace or to please her, he gradually begins to lose his sense of confidence and competence when in her presence. He no longer feels like he is making his own decisions but instead becomes overly dependent on her direction or approval.

Most of the time, a woman’s intent in complaining is not to control. However, to be happy, she does want his support. When she recognizes that complaining really doesn’t work, she can then be more motivated to stop complaining and instead wait until she is feeling happy and appreciative of his support. Making requests in small increments and then giving big rewards is the secret of getting more in a relationship.



CLICK HERE to read John Gray's book: Beyond Mars and Venus

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How To Talk To A Man So He Will Listen

John Gray

Today, we have become more conscious of the idea that every person has a masculine side and a feminine side. The more modern, soul mate relationship includes a conscious woman and a conscious man who both want to express their true authentic selves.

A woman wants to have the freedom to express her feminine side and her masculine side when she wants and a man wants to express his masculine side and his feminine side when he wants. However, this can often throw a relationship out of balance.

Luckily, women have the power to return to their female side rather easily by doing one of the things that is more feminine than anything: sharing. When a woman can open up to a man who listens with respect, compassion, and empathy, it produces estrogen and oxytocin, which helps lower her stress levels and brings her back to her feminine side.


Sharing vs. Complaining

When women are stressed or overwhelmed by doing too much, the last thing they think they need to do is share their feelings, unless sharing feelings can solve some problem. But sharing feelings with the intent to solve a problem, like to get her partner to change in some way or otherwise take action, is not sharing. It is complaining. Sharing increases estrogen and lowers a woman’s stress, but complaining increases her testosterone and doesn’t lower her stress.

In counseling, when a woman shares her feelings and complains about her husband with me, it helps to lower her stress and is therapeutic for her because I am simply listening and she is not blaming me for her problems. She is not trying to change me, nor is she expecting me to change in any way. She is sharing her feelings to feel understood as well as to understand her own feelings better.

When she shares the same feelings and complaints with her partner, her intent is not just to be heard. She wants him to change. This makes him feel criticized and defensive or moves him into problem-solver mode.

Only once a woman is fully heard does her stress go down. And then, once she has been heard, if she still needs his help to solve a problem, it is ideal for her to approach him at another time with her heart open, and make a clear request for his support.

Men need to remember that listening is not just the first step in solving a problem. When a woman is stressed, it is also a solution. Without having to “do” anything, he can be the hero.

Women need to remember that complaining to her partner about him never works. By learning to meet her need to be heard by sharing problems that are not about him, she can discover her power to bring out the best in a man. As he listens more without feeling defensive, he automatically becomes more empathetic, compassionate, and motivated to help her. With practice he discovers that without him saying anything or doing anything, she moves from feeling upset to feeling good just by freely sharing her feelings.


Venus Talks

It is challenging at first for a woman to talk about feelings to her partner without complaining. So I created a process for making it easier. I call it the Venus Talk. A woman I once explained this process to said to me, “If I am not supposed to complain to solve problems or talk about our relationship, then what is there to talk about?”

With practice, there is always plenty to talk about. Women have a world of feelings and emotional reactions that get dismissed or suppressed during the day. To return to her vulnerable, emotional female side, she needs to shine a light inside and express what is there.

Unless she takes the time to look, she will not even know these feelings exist. Instead she will just feel stressed, with an urgent list of problems that need to be solved. In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list different examples for how a woman can share her feelings with her partner without making it sound like a complaint about her partner.

The Venus Talk is a specific formula for sharing and not complaining. Its specific purpose is to not solve any problems, but instead to help her return to her female side and him to his male side. It's a powerful strategy to help women relieve stress when they feel it mounting.

There is nothing wrong with a woman discussing and solving problems together with her partner at another time when she is not feeling stressed. And there is nothing wrong with a man sharing their feelings or offering to help solve his partner’s problems when she is wanting his advice.

To help women cope with the stress of not being able to talk freely during the day, men can listen without any intention to fix and solve. Meanwhile, the woman talks without the intention to solve her problems, other than her basic need to bond. In this way she can share the details of her day without any specific desired outcome. When she simply shares her day, her oxytocin levels will begin to rise.

A Venus Talk is simple and anyone can learn to do it. I do recommend using the Venus Talking Points listed below. This simple guide includes six questions for you to answer about your day, your week, your past, your childhood, or simply whatever comes into your mind.

Our subconscious mind knows what is bothering us and will release our stress when given an opportunity. By taking a brief time to explore and express what feelings arise with each question, a woman will experience rising oxytocin levels and consequently lower stress.

The Venus Talk Questions
What makes you feel frustrated, angry, or annoyed?
What makes you feel disappointed, sad, or hurt?
What makes you feel afraid, worried, or scared?
What makes you feel sorry, embarrassed, or ashamed?
What do you wish, want, or need?
What do you appreciate, understand, or trust?


Take about ninety seconds to answer each of the six questions and share whatever comes up. If the question is about feelings of anger, but feelings of sadness arise, then talk about what makes you sad, but do take a moment to consider what makes you angry

This is how a Venus Talk should go:

1. He reads the first question.

2. She shares but does not complain about him. At no time is he to offer her advice, suggest something for her to say, apologize, or promise to do something. 
He doesn’t try to fix or correct her while she becomes completely transparent about the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that are giving rise to her stress. (She only talks about the stress at her job or activities that have nothing to do with him.)

3.After about ninety seconds, he says “thank you,” and then asks her the next question.

4. If she stops talking before ninety seconds are up, he can say, “Thank you, tell me more.”

5. After a maximum of eight minutes of sharing negative feelings, even if she has more to say, she takes a couple of minutes to share her positive feelings and thank him. Then she goes in for a five-second hug. (In the beginning, when women have been suppressing their female side most of their life, they can only come up with two minutes of sharing. That is fine, but the goal is ten minutes.)

6. After the hug, they don’t talk but instead they immediately take some time apart. This frees him from his urge to offer solutions. It also frees her to notice how good it feels to be heard without interruptions or arguments. Sharing with her partner any thoughts, feelings, emotions, wishes, and wants that she held back from expressing at work for fear of being inappropriate, misunderstood, or rejected will bring her back to her female side. On an emotional level she is getting naked in front of her partner. Not only will she feel more feminine, but he will also feel more masculine.

The easiest way to be completely transparent and share feelings with your partner is to talk about problems that have nothing to do with your partner. This makes it clear you are not expecting him to change or take action to solve the problem you are talking about.

I suggest a five-second hug because most of the time, couples will hug but only briefly. By counting to five, it helps a man to remember to relax into the hug. If a woman is shedding a few tears then it should always be at least a five-second hug.

The Venus Talk is simple to describe but can be difficult for a woman to do if she is locked into her male side. Most women on their male side have great difficulty connecting with and then sharing their more vulnerable feelings. Men may also find it difficult because most men have difficulty listening with empathy to a woman’s feelings and not interrupting with solutions.

If a woman cooperates by opening up and sharing her feelings while her partner only listens, he will return to his male side and she will return to her female side. Most people do not realize that silently listening brings a man back to his male side, while sharing feelings brings a woman back to her female side.

You can learn more ways to cmmunicate during stressful times in my book, Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World.


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HEALTH ADVICE

How Minerals Determine Your Quality Of Life

John Gray

What Are Minerals?

Our world is made of minerals. Scientists believe they were formed billions of years ago as the earth changed from clouds of gases into a solid planet.

Life on our planet comes from a small number of chemical elements. Some of the most important ones are calcium, magnesium, sodium, sulfur, phosphorus and potassium. These are also sometimes called electrolytes.

There also minerals that are needed in smaller amounts. We call these trace minerals and they include iron, zinc, chromium, selenium, boron and lithium.

Minerals are essential for life. They also determine your quality of life. If you are low in a certain mineral, you can feel sick, sluggish and distracted all the time.

Unlike many vitamins, minerals are not made within our bodies. We must include enough minerals in our daily diets to feel their benefits. However, even if you only eat the most nutritious, organic foods, it does not guarantee you will get an adequate supply of minerals. Our foods just don't hold enough mineral content due to modern farming practices and environmental toxins.

The minerals in your food come from the soil in which the food is grown. Almost all our food, even organic food, is deficient in minerals for several reasons:

1. Modern agricultural methods have reduced the minerals in the soil without replenishing them. Most modern fertilizers do not contain all of the natural minerals found in our soils and few contain any of the trace minerals.

2. Most crops are grown for higher yields, better taste or appearance, hardiness or bug resistance. However, they are rarely bred for a higher mineral content. High-yield crops produce much more food per acre, but the food is much lower in minerals because the amount of minerals in the soil is the same yet the yield is much greater.

3. Pesticides, insecticides and toxic sprays interfere with microorganisms in the soil that are needed for mineral production. This can significantly reduce the amount of minerals available to the crops. Organically produced crops tend to have more minerals in them in part for this reason.


Minerals And Your Body

The brain is only 2% of your body weight, but it uses 25% of your energy. Your brain needs energy and fuel to be at its peak performance. Minerals are fuel for the brain. The minerals needed for optimum brain function include calcium, magnesium and zinc, as well as trace minerals, such as chromium, lithium and boron.

Calcium
Calcium is found mainly in your bones, but it is also important for blood clotting and regulating your hormones. Even more, calcium helps the cell membranes that control nerve impulses and muscle contractions. Good food sources are dairy products such as cheese and yogurt

Magnesium
Magnesium is required for over 500 enzymes that help regulate sugar metabolism, energy production, cell membranes, and muscle and nerve conductions. When you are low in magnesium, you may experience muscle cramps, weakness, depression and fatigue. Foods high in magnesium include milk, almonds, brazil nuts, cashews, whole soybeans (but not tofu, tempeh or soy protein), wheat bran, whole grains, green vegetables, seafood, kelp and molasses.

Though needed in small amounts, trace minerals are absolutely essential for life. They include iron, copper, manganese, zinc, chromium, selenium, lithium, cobalt, silicon, and boron.

Zinc
Zinc is more essential for men than for women in some ways, although it is certainly essential for women as well. Zinc is required for hundreds of enzymes in the human body, including your sense of taste and smell, vision, growth, sexual development, male potency, prostate health, blood sugar regulation and processing of alcohol. Zinc is very important for the joints and the skin.

Zinc helps prevent diabetes, ADHD, epilepsy and helps detoxify heavy metals in the body. It can also have a calming effect on the body.

Refined food is very low in zinc and there are very few excellent sources of zinc today. Among the best are red meats, organ meats and some seafood, but most is too high in toxic metals. Other sources that are not quite as good are poultry such as chicken and turkey, eggs, oatmeal, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, wheat germ and colostrum. Vegetarians run a risk of zinc deficiency because they avoid red meats, in most cases.

Chromium
Chromium deficiency is very common, especially in middle-aged and older people. Chromium is a blood sugar mineral because it is essential for insulin metabolism. It can also help lower cholesterol. Food sources of chromium are liver, kidney, beef, whole wheat bread, wheat germ, beets, mushrooms and beer. Unfortunately, most of these foods are not the healthiest choices to eat every day. So chromium supplements are crucial to make sure you get enough each day.

Lithium
Lithium has a calming effect on the brain and the entire nervous system. Anyone who is taking an anti-depressant or any brain-altering drug, or is suffering from any brain-related problem may benefit from a natural lithium supplement such as lithium orotate. The lithium that is often used for bipolar disorder is quite toxic and should be avoided if possible. Lithium orotate is far less toxic and better absorbed.

Boron
Boron has been called the plant mineral because it is even more essential for plants than humans. Boron can help maintain female hormone production and bone integrity. Boron is found in many foods, although supplements with born can greatly help with hot flashes.


What To Do

Eat Right
Try to use sea salt, rather than regular table salt. Most of the minerals are refined out of common table salt, but sea salt still includes trace minerals.

Eat mineral-rich, organic vegetables, especially root vegetables. Whole organic grains, nuts and seeds, fish and good quality meats are other good sources of minerals. Fruits are not as good sources, as they are mainly water, fiber and sugars.

Cooked food is actually much better for obtaining minerals than raw food. This is because cooking helps break down the fiber in food and releases the minerals.

Good quality spring or mineral waters can be excellent sources of trace minerals. Tap water contains minerals, but almost all of it contains many harmful chemicals as well, and is best avoided.

Reduce Stress
Stress causes our bodies to use more minerals. Zinc is eliminated within minutes of a stressful situation. Calcium and magnesium are eliminated in the urine as part of the fight-or-flight reaction. Simplifying your life, slowing down and reducing stress are most important to maintain healthy mineral levels.

Natural Supplements
Besides eating good foods and reducing the stress in your life, taking nutritional supplements like my Mars Venus Super Minerals for Men and Women is a good way to rebuild and maintain your body’s vital minerals.


CLICK HERE FOR SUPER MINERALS SUPPLEMENTS



The statements and products referred to throughout this site have not been evaluated by the FDA. They are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. They are the expressed opinion of John Gray for the sole purpose of educating the public regarding their health, happiness and improved quality of relationships. Individual results may vary. Seek the advice of a competent health care professional for your specific health concerns.

 

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HEALTH ADVICE

Tongkat Ali Helps Boost Testosterone Naturally

John Gray


The candles are lit and some romantic music is playing, but instead of fireworks in the bedroom, you find frustration. And it’s not because of the music. When couples experience a lack of libido or sexual dysfunction in the bedroom, it can create a tremendous amount of stress in an otherwise healthy relationship.

Some men between the ages of 40 and 55 can begin to have trouble getting an erection when the moment is otherwise perfect. This is a sign of declining testosterone levels. Healthy men will usually experience a 1% drop in testosterone every year starting around age 40. An estimated 40% of men age 45 and older have testosterone deficiency (total testosterone below 300 ng/dL.).

Testosterone helps to build protein and is essential for normal sexual behavior. Testosterone stimulates metabolism, which promotes fat burning, and accelerates muscle growth. Testosterone also affects the production of blood cells, bone growth, liver function and prostate gland growth.

Low testosterone levels have been closely linked to many severe health conditions, like heart disease, obesity, diabetes, hypertension and stroke. As with most life-threatening health conditions, the symptoms are often smaller in the beginning. As testosterone begins declining, it can trigger several quality of life issues like increased fatigue, irritability, depression, lack of focus, poor memory, reduced muscle mass and strength, more body fat and, often the most troubling for men, a loss of libido and fewer spontaneous erections.


Sex Over 40

Your sex life does not stop at 40. The drive is still there. You just need the right fuel.

Men are often prescribed medications that treat erectile dysfunction. The most popular medications, like Cialis (tadalafil) and Viagra (sildenafil), increase blood flow to the penis to help it grow into a healthy erection. And they work.

Unfortunately the side effects can be severe for those moments of pleasure. (Contact your doctor if you experience a moment of pleasure lasting longer than four hours.) The more common side effects of Cialis are heartburn, indigestion, belching and stomach discomfort. Viagra comes with the common side effects of diarrhea, headaches, and muscle pain. Although they never specify which muscle.

Fortunately, there are natural alternatives that can be just as helpful without these side effects.

Since the root of the problem for most men is low testosterone, I encourage men to make small changes to their lives that can help maintain and build their testosterone levels. My favorite thing actually comes from a root of a plant. It’s called Tongkat Ali.


What Is Tongkat Ali?

Eurycoma Longifolia Jack is a tall shrub tree which is found in the lush rain forests of Malaysia and some parts of Thailand. The most common name of the shrub is Tongkat Ali, which translates to “Ali’s Walking Stick,” but it is also called Pasak Bumi or Long Jack.

The roots of the plant hold the power. They have been prescribed for centuries in Malaysia and Thailand for energy, strength and stamina, as well as to boost libido and sexual virility in older men.

Tongkat Ali helps increase testosterone in the blood. It is not a testosterone replacement, nor does is directly increase testosterone. Instead it activates the body’s ability to make testosterone to help give you more physical energy and sexual desire when you need it.

Other products that either replace or stimulate high levels of testosterone have all kinds of side effects. When people use testosterone creams or take hormones to boost their testosterone levels, it can cause their bodies to produce less natural testosterone and eventually none at all. Testosterone replacements can also boost your testosterone levels higher than you may need. As a consequence, excess testosterone turns into estrogen, which can turn into belly fat.


Beyond The Bedroom

Tongkat Ali has gained interest among athletes and people who exercise too. Research has shown that eurycoma longifolia increases energy production in the body by increasing ATP (Adenosine triphosphate).

ATP is responsible for nearly all the energy production in the body. During heavy exercise, we can use up our ATP faster than we can replace it, so we become fatigued. By increasing ATP, overall energy and vitality are increased. Studies on humans show that Tongkat Ali supplements increase ATP by creating a favorable anabolic state (building up), while suppressing the catabolic state (breaking down) of muscles.


Safe and Effective

Tongkat Ali has a distinctively bitter taste in its purest, rawest form. Tongkat Ali extracts that do not taste bitter are either not authentic Tongkat Ali root or are not very potent and will most likely not be very effective. There are many commercial examples of “fake” Tongkat Ali extracts.

Pollution and heavy metal contamination is another widespread problem with Tongkat Ali and many herbal products. The Tongkat Ali I suggest is routinely tested by the supplier for heavy metals and microbiological impurities each and every time it is imported from Malaysia, Thailand and Indonesia. It easily passes all of the International safety standards.

I searched for years to find the purest Tongkat Ali at the best price. I tested different brands for contamination. I also tested the effectiveness of different brands on myself and my friends. This Tongkat Ali is simply outstanding. It is the purest, cleanest and highest quality with the highest amounts of active ingredients that I have ever tested.

It’s always good to start slowly with any new supplement. For Tongkat Ali, I suggest starting with 1 capsule each day in the morning for five days and then take two days off. After 7-10 days, start taking 2 capsules each day in the morning for 5 days and continue to take 2 days off. This mimics the natural rise and fall of testosterone in the body. You should notice a difference in your body, brain and the bedroom after a week of taking two each day.

CLICK HERE FOR TONGKAT ALI 


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The statements and products referred to throughout this site have not been evaluated by the FDA. They are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. They are the expressed opinion of John Gray for the sole purpose of educating the public regarding their health, happiness and improved quality of relationships. Individual results may vary. Men who begin to experience impotence and sexual performance issues should consult with a health care professional to learn if it is a serious health condition. Seek the advice of a competent health care professional for your specific health concerns.

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