Four Stages To Creating A Soul Mate Relationship

John Gray

To have a successful relationship, you need to be open to creating change - epecially changing yourself.

Most people who complain about their relationship are simply missing the passion they felt in the beginning of the relationship. They want more passion, better communication, and a closer connection with their partner.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I describe the feelings and thoughts people experience when they are not getting what they need in their relationships. I also explain in depth what you need to do to feel fulfilled in your relationship and create a lasting and passionate Soul Mate relationship. You should read my book for a clear understanding of these ideas, but I will share parts with you now.

There are four stages that most couples move through towards creating a Soul Mate relationship:

Stage One: Stop Changing Your Partner

In the first stage, you may easily get upset, complain, yell, withhold your love, punish, shame, or criticize just to communicate the simple message to your partner, “This doesn’t work for me. I would prefer you do something else.”

If you are not getting what you need and you are wanting more in your relationship, it’s important to know how to communicate that to your partner. If there is a tone of dissatisfaction in your voice, your partner is going to hear your request as a complaint, criticism, unsolicited advice or simply an unwanted suggestion.

Your partner will often think, “I need to change myself to make my partner happy.” This will make your partner feel controlled.

When you are in this first stage, communication with your partner is primarily based on what you believe is right or wrong and not always what is loving and kind. It is based on what you believe is good or bad according to your social conditioning or your own expectations and standards of behaving.

This leads to attempts to manipulate your partner into making the changes that you demand through punishing and shaming. Punishing and shaming come from a primitive part of the brain. When you are stressed, blood flow to your reasonable and loving part of the brain is redirected to more primeval parts of the brain, and your automatic reaction is to attempt to control our partner.

If you recognize that your relationship is in stage one, then the first change you need to make is to stop trying to change your partner. That’s it. Just stop making suggestions, no unsolicited advice and don’t be critical of your partner, whether you are vocal about it or not.

Stage Two: Change Yourself

Once you have stopped trying to change your partner, you are ready for the second stage: changing yourself.

The best way you can change yourself is to lower your stress levels. When you are stressed, it’s harder to change; it’s harder to listen; it’s harder to love.

Take some time to learn about your hormones and how they regulate your stress levels. If you learn how to balance your hormones correctly, you will feel more satisfied, happy and fulfilled in most areas of your life, especially your relationship.

When there is drama, fighting, cold wars, or theatrics, instead of dropping back to stage one, you are able to recognize you are stressed and do something that is not dependent on changing your partner to feel better.

Then, without requiring your partner to change for your happiness, you can then consider how to interact in a way that works better for your partner and for yourself.

No one is perfect, so you can’t stay in stage two all the time. But at least you can recognize how you may have contributed to any dispute, problem, escalation of tension, or mistake.

Stage Three: Give Your Partner More

Now that you are feeling good, it’s time to focus on your partner. So the third stage towards a more successful, Soul Mate relationship is to give your partner more.

The tricky part with giving your partner more is understanding what they need. Men and women have different needs in life and in relationships.

In my book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I list all the different needs of men and women when it comes to relationships. It is very important to understand these different needs of men and women if you are ever going to create a Soul Mate relationship.

By this third stage, you begin to discover more compassion and wisdom as well as other aspects of higher love. This higher love is what allows you to express your full potential in life. It is what gives you patience, confidence, acceptance, and lasting love. It’s also the foundation of every Soul Mate relationship.

There are still challenges in stage three, but there is far less drama. You begin to recognize that all challenges in a relationship are opportunities to become a more loving person.

By overcoming your inner resistance to finding and expressing love during times when it is difficult to do so, all aspects of your life becomes easier and more fulfilling.

Your demand for perfection is replaced by a liberating acceptance of what cannot change, an appreciation for what can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Stage 4: Asking For What You Want

Now that you have given your partner more, it’s time to ask for what you need and want.

In this stage you feel much less resistant toward life’s inevitable challenges, less attachment to getting everything you want when you want it, and less avoidance of the things you want to do or be.

You have reflected on what works and doesn’t work and you have made changes to yourself and your communication. So now when you ask for something that requires change by your partner, your requests will be heard and received by your partner as just simple requests and not complaints.

In this stage, you fully accept that relationships and life will always present new challenges to your ability to find a greater love within yourself. It is a radical acceptance that life is not perfect, your partner is not perfect, and problems and challenges will never go away, but all of that is okay.

In stage one, these obstacles are like big speed bumps that slow you down. Now they are simply unexpected turns in the road of your life, which bring opportunities for gaining new insights and greater inner strength, wisdom, and love.

Getting to this stage in your relationship gives you the freedom to be all that you can be, and to do what we are here in this world to do. It is in this stage, after growing in compassion and wisdom and other aspects of higher love, that you experience the freedom of unconditional love.

This unconditional love, particularly for and from your intimate partner, provides you with great comfort, always reminding you that while life is not perfect, you are here to make it better—for your partner, your family, and the world.

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