How Do I Make Her Happy?

John Gray

A man cannot make a woman happy. He can only make her happier.

I still believe a woman is like a wave. When she is feeling really good and loved, she will reach a peak as her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. But then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. Luckily, this crash is temporary. When she reaches bottom, her wave begins to rise back up as her mood shifts towards feeling good about herself again.

A woman's ability to give and receive love in her relationships is generally a reflection of how she is feeling about herself. When she is not feeling good about herself, she is unable to truly accept and appreciate her partner. When a woman is in her down time, she tends to feel overwhelmed or can become more emotionally reactive. When her wave hits bottom she is more vulnerable and needs more love. It is crucial that her partner understand what she needs at these times.

Unfortunately, men are naturally motivated to communicate in ways that will lower stress in men. They have no idea that this may increase a woman’s stress levels. To release stress, a man tends either to solve the problem or to dismiss it in some way. A woman looks for a warmer, more supportive response. He thinks he is simply expressing his opinion to be helpful, while she feels he is being either cold and heartless, or he simply doesn’t understand what she is saying.

Men will often say things like:
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Just let it go.”
"It’s not that important.”
“Don’t get so upset about it.”
“It’s not such a big deal.”
“You shouldn’t feel that way.”

Men feel these short comments would be supportive, but on women consider them insulting. When she is upset and looking for support, these words sound dismissive and condescending. She needs him simply to listen and ask more questions. The more she feels heard and understood, the better she is going to feel.

But I will say it again. a man cannot make a women happy. He can only make her happier.

For thousands of years, women did not rely on men to generate most of the support they need. They counted on the help of women in their community, while their husbands hunted or later earned a living away from the home all day. Historically, the man has been a a provider and protector. Though men still hold that role, it is not as significant, because women can provide for and protect themselves.

A man can only fulfill a small portion of the support women need to cope with the stresses they face today. Instead of looking to a man to fulfill most of her needs, a woman must adjust her expectations. This attitude makes a huge difference in the dynamics of men and women in a relationship.

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