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How to Have More Sex and Less Porn in Your Relationship

John Gray


I was interviewd in the video above by Leana Greene, CEO of Kids In The House.

Kids In The House is an educational website devoted to parenting. Below are the questions and my answers.


Q: Dr. Gray, my question for you is, how do you get your wife's sex drive back, and how can you keep it running in the long term?


A: In order to bring back the passion in a relationship, there is no quick fix. It takes a lot of romance, it takes good communication, it takes working a little bit on your relationship.

We expect things to happen automatic today. We have immediate gratification, but actually, our life has sped up so much, and we have to slow it down, we have to spend more time together.

And for women to feel attracted to their partners, they really need to feel a polarity where a man listening more to her, and she's listening less to him. Or he's doing more things for her, and she's doing less things for him.

And it all has to do with stimulating in her body higher levels of estrogen. Estrogen, for a woman to be attracted to a man and turned on, her estrogen levels need to double. And whenever you feel love and loved, someone's doing things for you, someone's listening to you, someone's attending to you, your estrogen levels go up.

When women are doing that for a man, his estrogen levels go up, but that doesn't increase his sexual interest.

It's testosterone that increases his sexual interest. When a man's testosterone levels are rising, that also increases a woman's sexual interest, because, when a man has higher testosterone, it helps to increase a woman's estrogen.

And so, when he's doing things for her, and she's appreciating what he does, because he's doing the things she needs to increase her estrogen, then his testosterone goes up, and it's a win-win.

So we have to go back to old-fashioned dating skills where you actually have to take time to stimulate the right hormones to create the magic of attraction. But it takes work and new understanding.



Q: My husband is addicted to porn. How can I get his attention back, and how do I get over the fact that he thinks he's not cheating, but I think he is?

A: Well, you know, cheating is a definition according to what agreements couples have.

You know, there's the community of polyamorous, there's people with open relationships. They don't call it cheating, because they've agreed on something. So cheating is rather insulting, rather demeaning, depending upon your agreements.

And what I would try to do is educate him to understand the effects of porn on the brain. I have no judgment against porn. Porn is very exciting. It's stimulating to people. Millions of people around the world are doing it. These are not bad people. But millions of people do drugs. They're addicted to sugar, they're addicted to heroin, they're addicted to drinking. These addictions, people, they feel good, they don't realize how it affects the brain.

But the short explanation is when a man or a woman, but particularly, most of it, 70% is men, when you go to porn to get excited, it stimulates more dopamine, which is the excitement brain chemical, than a human can ever produce. So what that does, is it desensitizes the brain to normal sexual interaction, so you don't get as turned on to your partner, if you're getting turned on to fantasy.

So I'm against all these ideas of go use porn to get turned on to your partner, go use fantasy to do it. Fantasy, or going to other partners to stimulate attraction to your partner, it will stimulate dopamine, but it decreases your brain's ability to be turned onto your partner.


And all of this about hormones and keeping the passion for a lifetime, and so forth, it's in my latest book called Beyond Mars and Venus. It is so scientific that really men grip onto it, it makes sense to them. Women love the information as well, of course. 

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