Kiss on the First Date?

John Gray

Dear John,

Why do guys want to kiss on the first date?

When I ask the guys, they tell me they want to know if we have chemistry.

I would rather have the first kiss come naturally.

Is that wrong?



Thanks for your question, LIndsay.

This is an area where men and women often show their differences.

If a man wants to kiss you, then he is already feeling chemistry. A man is usually attracted to a woman’s physical appearance first. And it often takes physical intimacy, like a kiss, for him to be open up and become mentally attracted to her.

Most men need to feel physical chemistry before moving on to mental chemistry.

But most women need to feel mental chemistry – and emotional chemistry - before moving on to physical chemistry.

She may feel a physical attraction slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often, it happens when he gives her a kiss. That one little gesture of affection can suddenly make it clear to her that he is more special.

Many of the traditional dating rituals between men and women are really just opportunities for a woman to assess her feelings for a man.

When a man asks her out, plans a date, compliments her, or even give her a kiss, it allows her gradually to experience different levels of chemistry.

The is the dance of dating.

How To Say No To A Kiss

When a woman is attracted to a man but doesn’t want to be physically intimate with him yet, the best approach to be clear and definite.

Being vague doesn’t work.

If he leans in to give a kiss, she can turn her cheek to receive the kiss and then tell him, “I'm not ready but I want to see you again.”

Just as a man needs to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries, a woman also needs to consider the messages she is giving.

When a woman says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should wait,” many men think it is ok to keep advancing until they get a clear no.

However when a woman says no or stops a man from giving her a kiss, it can be misinterpreted as “I am not interested and will never be.”

If she means, “Don’t do that again tonight,” then she needs to say that with words.

If he doesn’t respect that first no, then she needs to immediately get up and leave.

She can be polite and clear about setting that boundary by saying, “I really like you, but I am not ready for this much now.” Then she should leave the room, or at least move away from him.

How To Move Slow

Some women are closed to the process of dating because they feel under pressure to be fully sexual before they are ready.

Men expect sex because it seems as if everyone else is getting it. It is everywhere in our media and society. And there are many women who freely give it.

Other women don’t realize that there are alternatives.

When a woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being receptive and becomes accommodating. Instead of allowing a man to please her, she tries to please him.

This compromises her position because if she is not open at all, a man may become frustrated as well.

There is a middle ground here.

The anticipation of more is what keeps a man interested and attracted to a woman.

So when a woman gracefully establishes her limits and stands up for what feels right to her, she actually remains most attractive to him. This also gives her time to become more mentally and emotional intimate with him.

In fact, the more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.

My book, Mars and Venus On A Date, can help develop your ability to navigate the dating world to experience true and lasting love.

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