My Husband Doesn't Tell Me Certain Things

John Gray

Dear John-

I just had a 3-day war with my husband who has started a fly-in, fly-out job in the mining industry (1 month on and one week at home). He started to drink at night and not tell me about it. We had a deal at the beginning of our relationship that he wouldn’t drink because it led to fights. So when I found out he was drinking again, I got hurt and upset.

I know it’s not big drinking – 5-6 beers when once a week when he is out with his coworkers. The problem is it causes him to miss the times we previously arranged to talk.

In this recent fight, I got more and more hurt and upset, which made him very angry too.

He’s not a good communicator and turned quiet but then it suddenly hit me – am I too controlling? I see it in myself often, only following the rules and making everyone else follow my rules too.

Should I just let go of the rules and agreements we made as to how he would be when he worked away - and just say, "Go for it honey - have a few drinks relax and unwind"?

Depending on my levels of tiredness, stress and where I am on my wave - this thing comes up big time.

How do I start the real work of stopping the Fear/Control cycle and having a healthy happy next part of my life/our relationship?

Thank You for your great stuff.


Thank you for writing in Suncat.

When your partner does something and doesn't tell you about it, it's probably because you haven't made it safe for them to tell you about it.

Secrets and trust issues often arise with the couples I coach. One partner says "He didn't tell me about it!" or "She tries to hide it from me!" I always ask, "How did you respond when they told you before?" or "How would you have responded if they did tell you?"

Loving relationships require equal responsibility. I mean that it's never good to hide, lie and withhold in a relationship. At the same time, it's not good to be a person where your partner can't tell you things because of how you would judge, think, and respond to them.

In the people I work with, I see more men holding back secrets from their wives than wives holding secrets from their husbands. Part of the reason is because certain men need to learn how to have good, open communication with their partners. Another reason why men hold back more secrets is because women have more of an emotional response to certain untold activities and react with a barrage of questions. Even worse, a woman may respond with one of the 5 Cs.

The 5 Cs are the things a woman unknowingly does to turnoff a man. They are Complain, Criticize, Correct, Control and Compare.

A woman may respond with one of the 5 Cs in an attempt to change him, or improve him. She may think her attempts to change him are loving, but he usually feels she is being controlling, manipulating, or rejecting him. So the more she tries to change him, the more he resists.

Problems usually arise after a man resists because she misinterprets his response. She thinks he is not willing to change and does not love her enough. Ironically, he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved and trusted enough.

When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted and appreciated, he will feel a greater need to make her happy by growing, changing and improving himself.

Watch my video to learn how you can avoid the 5 Cs and build more lasting trust in your relationship.

Grow in love,

John Gray

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  • Celeste65
     5/8/2015 4:03:15 PM
    Some men do the 5 C's too.

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