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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

What Do I Do When My Man Goes To His Cave?

John Gray

Dear John-


My boyfriend of over a year told me last night that he needed some "me" time for himself. The first thing I asked was, "Is something wrong?" He said, "No. Nothing's wrong. I just want some 'me' time." I have read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, so I understand the "man cave". But I want to know if, when and how I should initiate contact with him. We don't live together and one night has already passed. I'm wondering if I should text him to reconnect. I would like to think a text like that would be taken well by a man and help him feel more free. But I'm worried it could be seen as chasing or maybe just unnecessary. Should I just wait for him to call me?

Thank you John!

Sophie

 

Hi Sophie,

When a man tells you he needs some "me" time or time and space to himself, you shouldn't take it personally. Your response should simply be, "Ok. That's great. Enjoy your time and I will be here when you come back."

This response can be difficult to say or accept. But if you look at some of the brain differences between men and women, you get a better understanding why men need to retreat to their cave for "me" time once in awhile.

There is a part of the brain that helps us to interpret time and space. That part of the brain is much bigger in a man than a woman. This means men have a much bigger awareness for their need for space and time to themselves..."me" time.

The biggest complaint I hear from women about men is "I give and give and give and I don't get it back." Women often think about everyone else and put their own needs at the bottom of the to do list. That is because your sense of space is not like a man's. A man thinks that if he has created space to give to others, then he also needs to create space to give to himself.

It's interesting to notice that, in most relationships, men often think there is not enough space and women often think there is not enough time. Many women have a long to do list and believe that they have to get all those things done before caring about themselves, as if they are not choosing what they do.

It's important to remember you are the one in charge of your life. When you start to have a thought that begin with " I have to..." - stop for a moment and reflect on it. Then rephrase it to "I would like to..." or "I want to ...". When you start to feel like you are not in charge of your life or choosing what you do, then you start to feel like there is not enough time for you.

So when a guy says, "I need space," or "I need some 'me' time," remember it is not about you. It's about him needing time to find himself again and generate the energy to give back to her again.

A woman should wait a couple days and if he doesn't reach out to you or connect in some way, then give him a call, email, text, Facebook him, and ask a question that is light, mundane, and simple. "What did you think of (a particular TV show)?" or "I saw (his favorite sports team) won that game." Men love to be experts. So if you are asking him for his wisdom and knowledge, then he will want to talk.

Do not come at him like something is wrong. So don't ask him, "Do you still love me?" or "What are your feelings?" or, even worse, "I think we need to talk about our relationship." These will not bring him closer, but could drive him farther away.

You are really trying to remind him that you still exist and you are not mad at him. Most guys know that if they take too long to get out of their cave, they will make her angry, upset and confused. This can often delay him from leaving his cave even more as he puts off approaching the subject of his absence.

If you notice you are waiting for him to come back to your life to fill it back up again, fill your time again, then your life is too empty to have a successful relationship. That is a signal that you need to stay busy doing other things that make you happy do he is not the only source of your happiness.

I hope this helps.

Grow in love-

John Gray

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