15 steps to follow on a first date to have her begging for a second.

15 steps to follow on a first date to have her begging for a second.

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
What should a man do on a first date when he doesn’t know her well?

Hi Beruk,

Great question! And the answer is simple.

Be a gentleman.

First date moves that will win her heart

1. Plan the date. If you are the one to plan the date than you already have points in your favor.

Try to avoid the more traditional dinner and a movie. It's a long time to commit to a total stranger. Opt for something more casual, short, fun and unique. I once had a great first date playing bocce in a park. 

2. Offer to pick her up and drive but be flexible, she may want to meet you somewhere.

3. Open the door for her.

4. Pay. Pay for the taco off a taco truck, the entry ticket to somewhere fun or the ice cream. You don’t have to spend a lot. Keep the place casual and affordable (but not fast food! No McDonalds!)

5. Offer her your jacket if the night gets cool.

6. If you are doing anything active for your date like a hike or kayaking, lend a hand if she seems to be struggling. Focus more on her and her enjoyment than on you showing off your skillz.

7. Be supportive of her. Don’t criticize, mock or belittle her points of view (even if you think they’re silly.)

8. Be respectful. You can flirt but do not be perverse.

9. Look her in the eyes and slip her name into sentences. This is a nice social technique that will make her feel more connected to you.

10. Turn on the charm. Be positive and lighthearted. Do not complain. Remember you're making a first impression here.

11. Do not discuss ex-girlfriends, previous dating experiences, religion (unless it is a deal breaker) or politics.

12. Ask her questions! "What do you do?" "If money wasn't an issue, what would you be doing tomorrow? Why?" "Do you have any hobbies?" "What do you love to do?" "Where did you grow up?" "If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow where would it be? Why?"

Listen, look at her, don’t interrupt, and make little “uh huh” noises. Feel free to tell your own story but make sure she is doing more of the talking than you are. This date isn't about you rattling off your accomplishments. It's about engaging with a new person and seeing if you connect.

13. Limit yourself to 4 compliments. Two for her beauty: “You look lovely tonight” or “That dress is stunning on you.” And two for her character: “You’re really funny” or “You seem like a really kind and generous person.”

You don’t have to copy mine, what do YOU like about her? If you give more than 4, you risk sounding desperate and you might make her feel self-conscious or uncomfortable. However, if you give less than 4, you may give the impression that you aren’t interested.

14. Don't kiss on the first date. Some guys kiss on the first date because they “feel a vibe.” Men can immediately tell if they're attracted to a woman and with loads more testosterone than women, guys are often ready and “in the mood.”

Women, on the other hand, take more time to establish their attraction to a man. Think of it like this: a man is a gas stove; his fire is lit quickly. A woman, however, is like a crock pot. She warms up a lot slower. So it can take time and a patient consistent approach before she is hot for you too.

My personal feeling about kissing on the first date is that it is weird. I would much rather get to know the man first so that the chemistry has a chance to organically develop for me as well. So since you asked ME this question, I say avoid the kiss and give her a goodnight hug.

Make it a good hug: linger, breathe, be present, squeeze. The feeling of being safe and warm in your arms will linger with her far after you leave her door.

15. Express your interest in seeing her again before the night is up. A simple, “I’d love to talk more about this sometime” or “I’d like to see you again.” And if you mean it, always end the date with “I’ll call you.”

If you don’t mean it, don’t say it! Just say, “It was really nice meeting you” and go on your merry way.

You're a giant pizza (so pace yourself)

You may feel like being “a gentleman” requires you to be fake or boring.

The truth is this list gives you plenty of room to be authentic.

It also gives you the opportunity to look like a good potential partner to a woman. This is what will fuel her attraction to you.

Don’t worry about pouring your personality on her all at once.

You are YOU and no amount of polite gentlemanly decorum can hide your fun personality. As the dates progress you can see how you can start to bend
some of the rules. For example: you are now free to discuss religion, politics, and past relationships (keep this one to a minimum.) You can start to flirt a little more heavily and see if she has a good sense of humor about it. You can kiss her if you feel she's warmed up to you.

Keep in mind that you are a giant pizza, laden with toppings galore: a fraction Hawaiian, a fraction pepperoni, a fraction olives and feta, a fraction plain cheese… You are more than a girl can take down at one sitting (that’s what she said! ;-)

So relax. There is no reason why you should force all of your personality and beliefs on her at once. There is time. With each date you will learn something new about each other. Enjoy the exploration. And follow these guidelines.

With love,

Now I want to hear from you!

I gave a lot of tips on what to do on a first date. Tell me the top three that stood out to you and why.
What are your personal first date do’s and don’ts?

If you loved this article, do me (and all the single ladies) a favor and pass it on! Click to tweet: 15 steps to follow on a first date to have her begging for a second. #whatwomenwant http://ctt.ec/D3WN8+ 

read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • GrowUpBoy
     9/26/2016 8:25:51 AM
    Nice article - lots of good advice here. Boys - definitely follow these guidelines, but remember that 90% of your first date success will depend on your PREPARATION. Any time you spend PREPARING for success on a first date will pay you back double.
  • Mamercer
     9/13/2016 1:28:57 AM
    Hi Lauren, love you! What a great blog. Yep, I'd certainly be excited to go on a second date with a gentleman that followed your very good advice at winning my heart with those 15 great moves. Sooooo, got some similar great moves for us ladies - to have a gentleman excited to plan a second date? I really liked the previous comment too from IamColm - especially since I've been on both sides of that fence - trying to make it easy for a little affection on a date with a man that made my heart go pitter patter or trying to keep a distance before there was any chemistry on my part....
  • Lauren Gray
     7/30/2014 1:31:06 PM
    I think that's brilliant advice IamColm! Thanks for sharing! I also think that this advice will apply to a certain type of man more than others. People have different capabilities when it comes to being aware and intuitive. So as a general rule, I still say, don't kiss on the first date. But when I say that, I really mean, don't force a kiss on a first date, don't force an intimacy that isn't there yet. And don't be disappointed when it doesn't happen. Thanks again Iam for sharing your charming moves. :-)...
  • IamColm
     7/27/2014 4:57:56 PM
    I like what you say in your blog. I differ slightly on the kiss on the first date point. My view comes from what my older sister told me when I was 15 and has worked well for over 40 years. (Yes, old guys date too - grin) My sister's advise. Don't worry about whether to kiss on the first date or not. Pay attention to the girl. If she wants a kiss she will make it easy. If it seems easy or natural go ahead and kiss her. If it isn't easy she isn't interested. Be a gentleman. Same goes for putting your arm around her, hugging her, or something more adventurous. I have been surprised how few dating coaches don't suggest to men, "If she makes it easy it is an invitation. Don't be rude. Be a gentleman and respond to her invitation." Then again many women haven't seemed to understand their options to 'make it easy'. On a number of first dates when the woman seemed nervous or unsure I have offered, "Relax. I pay attention. If you invite me by making it easy to kiss you or hold your hand I will catch on." I have almost always seen her relax and gotten a smile as she moves so I can put my arm around her or hold her hand or ... ...

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