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DATING ADVICE

3 Secrets to Stop Attracting Mr. Wrong

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren, 

For a long time now, I have been seeing a man that only wants sex from me. This seems to be a pattern for me. Can a woman do something unconsciously to attract this type of man even though she wants a whole life relationship? 

-Kate
 
Dear Kate,
 
Absolutely she can! And I’ll tell you how. But first I want to teach you the formula to break A pattern, before we dive in to breaking YOUR pattern.
 
Step #1: See through the excuses and justifications and acknowledge that it IS a pattern.
 
Step #2: Become aware of how YOU contribute to your pattern.

 
You’re clearly doing a great job on step #1 or you wouldn’t have asked me this brilliant question. So, high five!!!
 
Now lets explore step #2.
 
 
How attracting Mr. Wrong is… YOUR fault?
 
You may be attracting men that only want sex because YOU initiate the relationship. I know, I know, TIMES HAVE CHANGED; women should be allowed to ask a man out on a date…
 
And I agree.
 
BUT THE TRUTH LIES IN THE FINE PRINT:
 
It’s okay to ask a man out and show your interest BUT there is a fine line you must walk between making your interest known and making yourself the pursuer.
 
You don’t want to become the pursuer. When you become an “aggressive woman,” there are real risks. And I believe you’ve already encountered them.
 
 
What’s wrong with being a little “AGGRESSIVE?”
 
Men are capable of loyalty, devotion, love and higher consciousness. No question about that.
 
But men are also wired to want to have sex with almost any woman who will have sex with them. A man won’t automatically think about the basic questions we, women, often consider, like:

“Do I care for this person?” or “Do I want a commitment?”
 
If a woman is aggressive, it means he can get sex without HAVING to consider these questions.
 
On the other hand, if she was less available and he had to put forth effort to pursue her, he would have to think about that.
 
..And he might realize that he’s not, in fact, attracted to her! And by “attracted,” I mean in the Venusian sense of the word.
 
What am I talking about? Keep reading!
 
 
The MARS and VENUS translations of “Attraction”
 
That’s right. Men and women actually have different definitions of “attraction.”
 
To a man, attraction can be purely physical. A man is easily capable of having sex with a woman he doesn’t care for as long as he is attracted to her physically. That physical attraction temporarily over-rides any personality or compatibility conflicts.
 
A woman’s attraction for a man, on the other hand, is based on personality as well as physicality. While it’s not impossible, it is much harder for women to separate the two. This is why basic questions like, “Do I care for/like this person?” are so natural for us to ask BEFORE we get physically intimate.
 
This is just not the case for most men. Which is why you may be inviting men into your life who are “attracted” to you but not interested in developing a relationship beyond sex.
 
 
The unexpected DANGER of making him happy
 
Another way you may unconsciously be contributing to this pattern is that you are confusing being made happy BY your man with making him happy.
 
Being generous and making others happy can be hugely rewarding in life. But as a woman, when your self-esteem is low, it can be a dangerous trap in your relationship WITH A MAN.
 
Your primary source of happiness, from your relationship, should be in response to what he does for you. His primary source of happiness, from your relationship, should be your happy response to what he provides for you.
 
Otherwise, he’s chillin at the spa for the day; he enjoys the pampering but there is no BONDING. He may appreciate a manicure but he doesn’t bring the manicurist home to meet his mom. You get what I’m saying?
 
If he cannot provide for you, fight for you, and make you happy, there is no bond to keep him rooted in the relationship.
 
 
How to get a man to BOND, (James Bond!)
 
To attract a man who is interested in MORE than sex, it’s important to let him BOND with you.
 
A man bonds with a woman through feeling successful at winning and earning her love. If you are too aggressive, too “people pleaser” or too “easy,” he cannot form that bond. (On the other hand, playing “hard to get” prevents him from bonding as well. A man needs to know he has a chance to succeed with you in order for him to be motivated to try.)
 
As a woman, it’s totally legit to initiate the message that you would be receptive to a relationship. This is different than actively pursuing a man. In Mars and Venus On A Date, John Gray teaches us the ins and out of how to walk this fine line by practicing “Proceptivity.” In order to attract a man that wants a relationship, you need to learn to be PROACTIVELY RECEPTIVE to his attention and advances.
 
Proceptivity can be as easy as observing and responding honestly. Be authentic and be true to yourself. If he makes you happy, don’t hide your delight or appreciation, respond!
 
(To learn more about proceptivity during the dating process, click here.)


You GOT this.
 
Taking responsibility for your actions in the past is a brave and crucial thing if you want to break your pattern and move on.
 
You are on your way to attracting the perfect man for you and as long as you change your approach, you’re going to get a different result. You got this. I believe in you.

With love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!
 
Do you have any advice for women who want to avoid dating Mr. Wrong?

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read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Melinda_Becker@hotmail.com
     12/10/2015 2:23:35 AM
    Hi Lauren. It was great reading your advice on how to stop attracting the wrong type of men. I've been in a similar situation recently where I was just friends with a man for 2 years and thought we'd developed a bond as we spent every day together and if we weren't together then we talked on the phone or by text. After 2 years of being just friends we slept together. After only sleeping together a few times he disappeared off the face of the earth and never came around to see me again. If I texted him, he replied but only with a one or two word reply just to be polite. I was really upset as I thought that we had developed a strong bond together but he obviously only wanted one thing from me and when he got that he left. I guess looking back, my self esteem is rather low and I think I was trying to please him all the time so he'd stick around but that obviously didn't work. Reading your blog has helped me understand men better and hopefully I won't make the same mistake next time. Thanks for your helpful advice Lauren, much appreciated and needed. :-)...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/16/2015 1:01:30 PM
    Hi Sharon! So glad you're loving the blogs. It seems you answered your own question! How cool is that? I totally support your decision to be less aggressive and see what happens.
  • Lauren Gray
     10/16/2015 12:59:49 PM
    Hi Kate! I'm so glad you loved the post! Thank YOU so much for your comment! I LOVE all the beautiful realizations and connections and affirmations this blog inspired for you. I'm so excited with you!! HUGS to you too.
  • PartyDiva Sharon
     10/7/2015 5:32:49 PM
    I was asking in general Lauren. It seems I attracted a really nice man from a dating site. We started chatting on the phone after his second message to me, which was 10 months, since the 1st message. he wants to move here, but things are keeping us at distant. We've not met face to face, but I feel I have become the pursuer...texting him first etc. So I need to STOP....let him take his roll back, if he will? BTW I love your posts/blogs etc., Thanks Bunches
  • Kate Richards_5A2F6
     10/6/2015 2:31:05 AM
    Ah!! Thank you so much for this post!!! I loved it. It makes so much sense! I've been dealing with this same issue recently, and wasn't entirely sure how I was contributing to causing it, now I know! Not only do I know, I also now have an access! I'm terribly excited. I also never thought of having low self-esteem, and needing to make a man happy as something connected... But even thinking about it, what's coming up for me is "why would a man want to make me happy?" WOAH. I've never gotten that before! Identifying that gives me a new place to take actions from-having respect, love and honouring myself. It also makes a new world of fun and play available because I don't need to worry about being "worth it". OH, and being able to walk away from a guy/relationship that doesn't work for me and what I'm committed to? Heck yeah!!! Thanks, Lauren :) I'm sending you a virtual hug. PS- you're hilarious. The "fine print" bit was GOLD. ...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/5/2015 3:38:39 PM
    Hi Shoop! As you learn more about the opposite sex, you learn more about how you can refine your approach to romantic relationships. The truth is, when you change your approach, you get a different result. Without working with you one-on-one I cannot know what exactly you're doing to attract these Mr. Wrongs who are looking for a mommy and are too far on their feminine side. It's clearly not what you want. I can only recommend continuing to learn and possibly seeking out a relationship coach. Whether that coach is me or someone else you trust, having that 3rd party perspective on why this is happening might be really helpful. You could learn more about how to change your approach to dating/communication/men differently in order to get a different result. Hope this helped! Great men are out there....
  • shoop01281234
     10/5/2015 2:23:32 PM
    Dear Lauren, I have literally never known a man that wanted to provide for me or protect me. I haven't had many relationships and one of the reasons for that is because most guys just aren't very masculine to me. They constantly complain or fish for compliments and seek validation or act put upon if I ask them for help and often all of the above if they're younger than, say, 40. Guys older than 40 are often braggarts and control freaks or divorced and clearly looking for someone to be a mother to them and their children or have completely let themselves go. I'm not claiming to be a super-model or paragon of womanly virtues, but I'm wondering where you've met these guys who are secure, mature, principled, chivalrous, and want to provide for and protect the women in their lives. I don't know that gentleman. I've read quite a lot of advice from a lot of people calling themselves relationship experts since the end of my last relationship about 5 years ago. Most of it's aimed at women with low self-esteem who end up in pseudo relationships with guys who aren't really into them or who keep getting into relationships only to see them unravel because of their own neediness. It's not that I've found the advice useless because quite a bit of it has helped me to understand how men think and see things completely differently than women, but none of it's aimed at women who don't want their ex back, who don't have low self-esteem, who haven't let themselves go, who aren't hyper controlling or too giving, or who aren't shy and socially awkward. None of those things particularly describe me. I will admit, though, that what men apparently see as masculine has been surprising and disheartening -- how is logical thinking considered masculine, for instance -- and completely irrational. I've found that when I exhibit intelligence and analytical thinking that men find those traits unap...


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