How casual sex can kill your chances at true love

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,

I met this guy (a professional surfer!) over vacation. Things got a little crazy and we ended up sleeping with each other that night. Then we met up at the bar the next night and ended up in bed again. The next morning he said, "It was very nice meeting you, I'll call you when I come to your hometown next month." He was passing through for a surfing tournament. The next month rolled by and I sent him a text, but nothing back! Did I do something wrong? How do I read guys and not let it get to me emotionally? Or if I did do something wrong, how can I prevent it from happening next time?!
Hi Julia,
You did nothing “wrong,” as long as your intention was to have a super fun casual hook up. You both had a great time, after all. A hot fling with a studly surfer? Sounds fun to me!
However, if your intention was to create a lasting connection with this man then, yes, you did something “wrong.”
Was any of it real?
Here’s the deal, just because he didn’t call you doesn’t mean he was never interested. He was; he genuinely enjoyed your company. All that fun connection you had was REAL.
But now he’s over it.
And that’s okay. Relationships don’t need to last in order for them to have value.
Don’t take his moving on personally. It has nothing to do with how pretty, charming, smart, or sexy you are. It has nothing to do with something you said that he might have misunderstood or took offense to. It has nothing to do with YOU.
Casual affairs rarely last. It’s just the nature of the game. He probably met someone else in the mean time or just moved on.
Taking the sting out of rejection
You mentioned that this type of rejection gets to you emotionally. Of course it does! You’re human!
But there ARE ways to become less vulnerable to those hurt feelings. Here are two:
One: you can come into the fling with zero expectations of the other person, fully living in the moment, and fully prepared to move on after you part.
Two: you don’t play the game in the first place.
Men aren’t douche bags
Contrary to popular opinion, men don’t move on from casual affairs because they’re douche bags and they can’t keep their dick in their pants.
They move on because YOU haven’t taken the time to nurture a connection with them.
Men bond to women by pursuing them, taking them out on dates, learning how to make them smile, how to meet their needs, etc. The more of a courtship there is, the stronger that bond grows.
This just wasn’t done here. You never gave him a chance to bond with you. So, the minute you were out of sight, the bond broke. I’m not surprised. After only two nights of drunken sex, it was flimsy to say the least.
How to get serious
When you are serious about wanting a lasting relationship, build your connection through going on dates and allow the man to pursue you before you jump into bed with him.
Men are always going to want sex. It’s the first thing they think of when they see a beautiful woman.
Sure, sex can lead to a relationship, I’m not saying otherwise. But when a man has sex with a woman without a bond, he genuinely doesn’t know if he’s interested in pursuing things further. Having sex with him today is no guarantee he will want you tomorrow.
John Gray says, “If you give men what they want, they don’t realize they need you.” It really is worth it to slow down and forge that bond.
The realistic power of "The Vag"
When a guy comes on to you, it’s flattering. It’s only natural that you’d like to make him happy by hopping into bed and making all his wildest dreams come true. I’m sure it would make you happy too. A lot of women even believe that having sex with a man ensures that he’ll like her even more. So when she senses a man’s interest, her first move is to seduce him. Once they have sex, he’ll just have to have feelings for her, right?
If only Vagina’s were so powerful. (sigh)
But they’re not!
If you want a lasting connection, if you want to imprint yourself on his heart so that he cannot forget you and he cannot live without you, then don’t jump into the sack before the bond is forged.
No matter what you are looking for, I suggest that you don’t look at this event with regret. It lead you to write in and learn from your situation so that you could be more aware of the pattern you were creating and should you choose to, break the pattern altogether!
Now I want to hear from you!

Has a casual affair ever disappointed you or let you down?

Does a man’s lack of pursuit make you question your self-worth?

If so, what is ONE thing you’re going to take away from this article that will help you in the future?

Challenge for the ladies: Next time you are drunk with a boy and in danger of being swept away, practice the 20 second rule. Excuse yourself, go outside, go to the bathroom, and count to 20. Then ask yourself what you want from this guy, answer honestly, and take action accordingly. This 20 second rule is vital in helping you consciously take responsibility for your decisions and ultimately, break undesirable patterns. It saves a whole lot of heartbreak, resentment, self-doubt, and bitterness later on.

Challenge for the gents: Next time you are drunk and find yourself about to become intimate with an equally inebriated lady, take 20 seconds to go out of sight and connect with what you want from her. It's important to articulate what your actual intentions are. If all you want is a one time thing say, "Hey, before we go any further, I just want to be honest and let you know that I'm not looking for a relationship right now. I would really just love to spend a fun and intimate evening with you." It is always best to come into it with full disclosure...this saves you from being "the bad guy" later on.
Did you dig this article? Please SHARE IT with your friends on facebook, twitter, google +, and pinterest. There is an epidemic of women who have sex on the first date and are broken hearted when it doesn’t turn into a relationship. Let’s change that, shall we? Share the love! Xxo.


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