How slowing down could speed up your search for true love

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
I’d love to participate in intimate moments with my special guy. However, I am inexperienced (he knows this) and my fear of pain, insecure feelings, and poor body image create confusion between us. To him I am an immature girl who simply does not want to have sex with him and he ends up sending me out of the room. Help me dispel this cloud of confusion and advise on how I can communicate my thoughts without him having to be defensive.

Dear Alice,

Great question! It covers so many talking points that I want to answer you in two parts. Check out the column entitled “How to get over sexual insecurities in 3 easy steps” for the completed answer to this amazing question.

Part One:

Just Say No

It’s hard to say no to the man you love and when he gets angry or hurt, it’s easy to believe it’s your fault. It’s no surprise that men have a hard time with rejection, we all do, but in the bedroom it can be an extra sensitive issue. In his mind, he wants to have sex with you because he cares about you and desires you. If you really loved him, wouldn’t you want the same thing? It’s just as confusing for him as it is for you. But here’s the deal: he’s being a total prick about it!

He wants what he wants when he wants it or he’s throwing you out of the room?! Take it from a girl who is a pro at saying “no,” that is a dick move. In the face of hearing, “No. I will not have sex with you” I’ve heard, “This is frustrating” and “Okay then, how bout a cuddle?” In these situations I acknowledge their frustration and ask for what I want instead. Men want to make you happy. If you ask for what you want, they can channel their inner Yoda, stifle their pervy desires, and put your wants above theirs… as long as they feel successful once they do.

Insecurity Bites!

Beginnings of relationships always test your self-esteem. You need to feel attractive getting naked in front of someone, you need to express vulnerable feelings risking that the other person does not feel the same, and most importantly you need to feel worthy of being loved. Needless to say it’s a pretty delicate situation.

With both parties feeling insecure, it’s easy for small misunderstandings to feel like big betrayals. Like when you are in bed becoming intimate and you pull away from sex, he feels like you are rejecting him at his most vulnerable moment. After all, he’s sharing his feelings for you and trying to feel worthy of your love while he’s in his skivvies! To him, it is a slap in the face and the only way he knows how to deal with your decision is to become defensive and attack back. This is a very immature way of handling things but at least now we know why he’s being such a dick. To avoid simple misunderstandings in the bedroom, communication is key.

But that idea is useless if you don’t know what to say. And since this is new for you, how do you learn what to say?

Setting The Pace

You listen. You listen to your reactions. Right now, your body is your enemy because you think it should want certain things and it doesn’t. It’s just not ready. So pay attention to what it is ready for. What makes your heart sing: when he holds you in his arms? When he kisses you sweetly? What makes you uncomfortable: when he gets too handsy? When he pressures you for sex?

If you put him in charge, he will keep making moves that make you uncomfortable. You will continue to reject him and he will feel more and more defensive and eventually feel defeated.

So, you need to articulate that he is off the hook. He is no longer in charge of setting the pace. You are. This might sound like an intimidating responsibility but as long as you listen to your emotional responses, you will succeed with flying colors. And the first thing you need to do in your new position of power is clue him in on the game change.

The Game Change

Say, “I really enjoy my time with you and I can see this going somewhere. I know you are impatient but I don’t have a lot of experience with relationships and I need to take this slow. That might mean that we need to take a step back from the physical stuff so that I can really become comfortable with you and develop trust. To do this, I need to be in charge of setting the pace. I’m really excited about you being in my life and I promise I will let you know when I’m ready for the next step.”

Is he the guy for you?

When you are ready for the next step, it’s your job to articulate what it is you want. And, most importantly, when he obliges, you need to be generous with your appreciation. Don’t feel pressured to have sex because this is enough. Have you ever heard that most of the time people mistake thirst for hunger? Or that we can survive 3 weeks without food but only 3 days without water? Just think that a man may be “hungry” for sex but he is “thirsty” for your love and appreciation. He can survive a long time in this relationship off only that.

If he can’t, and your pace isn’t fast enough for him then he isn’t the guy for you. I was once cuddling with a boy (who I wasn’t intimate with yet) and I said, “What do you think about the phrase, ‘all men want is sex’?” He told me, “Well, yea, sex is great and I want it but what I want more is to make you happy. If sex makes you happy I want that. If holding you in my arms right now makes you happy, I want this.” That guy exists for you and he exists for every woman out there so don’t settle for less!

A “Non-Sex” Tip: In the moment, when he is frustrated and he wants to be physical with you, just tell him to finish himself off. He doesn’t need to get blue balls just because you say no. He has two hands. Tell him to get busy and come back to you when he’s ready to behave himself. If watching him “take care of business” makes you uncomfortable, you kick him out of bed…not the other way around!

Now I want to hear from you!

Have you ever felt rushed into sex or physical intimacy before you were totally ready for it? How did that affect the relationship?
Challenge: If you are currently in a relationship that is moving too fast for you, take charge of the pace. You can use the script above as a guideline or a script. In the comments below, let us know how it goes!
If you enjoyed this article, please share it with your friends. Facebook it, tweet it, pin it, print it and throw it off rooftops…share the love! Xxo.


read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • LightningWarrior
     11/7/2016 2:17:04 PM
    As a man, I wanted to respond to the question about blue balls. Blue balls are much different than an erection or simply being aroused. If the arousal is prolonged without release, pressure builds up in the male system, and it is quite painful. I once dated a committed virgin and this happened quite frequently while we'd be heavily kissing. It is extremely manipulative if a man puts any pressure on a woman to relieve him; that would be like getting angry at a woman because spending time with her made my hungry. I can make my own damn sandwich, and I can certainly relieve myself of blue balls. It does hurt quite a bit (kinda like a dull ache), and it doesn't just go away when the erection goes away, but ladies, don't ever let a man tell you it's your responsibility to relieve him. Great article and great advice, Lauren -- thanks!...
  • saso
     2/7/2015 1:22:54 AM
    I have a question: isn't "blue balls" a manipulative claim rather than a reality? Men get erections every day (and night) without responding by masturbating. Women get turned on too and they aren't driven every time to release through orgasm. It seems the demand that women provide an outlet for a man's arousal when she is intimate with him is very aggressive and on the rape spectrum. Why would a man need release for erections when he is with a woman but is just fine letting them "go away" several times a day when he is not with a woman? ...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/29/2014 7:55:59 PM
    Great point rrschmal85! I totally agree. In this particular case when he had already kicked HER out of bed and acted like a douche, it was with a sense of play that I suggested that she kick him out of bed. I would not recommend this move for a relationship that didn't have this history. However, if a woman doesn't feel comfortable with watching a man masturbate then it's her right (as it is his) to ask for what she wants in a loving and considerate way.
  • rrschmal85
     1/28/2014 6:47:08 AM
    Reassure not treasure
  • rrschmal85
     1/28/2014 6:45:29 AM
    I like most of this, very good insight for myself. However the last part about him finishing himself with his hands is fine. But for someone to add insult to injury by kicking them out because you're uncomfortable with it after you rejected him is only going to drive a wedge between you two. Men have insecurities with their sexuality as well. Respect is a two way street. You need to treasure him that you do care for him, because that will be the first thing in question. It's a proven fact that man feel the most loved through your actions. You just a match to gasoline, and now you're going to throw m80's in it by being insensitive? ...

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