How to avoid the ultimate boner kill
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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE

How to avoid the ultimate boner kill

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
 
How is it okay for a woman to express how her feelings got hurt to her insensitive boyfriend but if a man does that to his girlfriend, he is considered weak and needy? That’s a double standard and it’s not fair. I’m calling you out.
 
-Ted
 
Well Ted, when you put it like that, I’m ready to grab my pitchfork and protest right along side you. That doesn’t sound fair AT ALL.

However, I think you may be missing 2 key nuanced points in this argument that will help you make peace with what looks, to the naked eye, like a raw deal.
 

Nuanced Point #1: The one place role-reversal will murder your attraction for each other.

There are double standards up the wazoo as long as you consider men and women the same. But we’re not. Guys are from Mars and girls are from Venus (at least according to some book I read ;-)

That’s why we work! We’re like magnets; negative and positive charges attract. Opposites attract. Here’s the situation:

Men get something, a sense of value and worth, from being there and helping a woman in distress but women aren’t interested in men in distress, at least not in a romantic way.

Picture the classic fairy tale. A man rides up to the castle, slays the dragon and rescues the fair maiden. Between you and me, I’m almost positive they have sex that night. The man is turned on by the fact that saved her and the woman is turned on by the fact that he fought for her. Romance is in the air.

Now flip it. A woman rides up to the castle, slays the Minotaur, and rescues the prince. Let’s look at this realistically. The man just received unsolicited help from a woman. I’m sure he’s psyched to be free from the Minotaur BUT he’s probably a little embarrassed that he couldn’t do it himself. He may be grateful for the help but he’s not turned on.

The woman dresses his wounds, feeds him a nice hot meal, and holds him in her arms. Rather than being turned on to him, she starts feeling like his mother; responsible for his feelings, boo boos and problems. When a woman pursues a man in distress, it does not set the mood for romance.

That’s the reality of the situation.

Of course, your question was about why it’s okay for women to talk “hurt feelings” but not men. Which brings us to my next point:
 

Nuanced Point #2: It all depends on the dragon.

I do NOT recommend that women complain to their men about how they hurt their feelings. That’s something to bring to your girlfriends first and then once you’ve moved through your angry/hurt emotions, you can bring a request to your partner instead of a complaint.

Because when women complain about their partner’s hurting their feelings, it’s a good way to turn a man off as well!

When a man rescues a woman in distress, he is the hero because there is always a bad guy like a dragon, Minotaur, mean boss or manipulative stepmother that causes the woman distress.

But when a woman tells a man that HE hurt her feelings, he feels like the villain and is immediately turned off.

For a man making his woman happy is the ultimate success and turn on but causing her distress is the ultimate failure. And failure is the ultimate boner kill.

So as long as men don’t talk about their feelings getting hurt (a little is okay sometimes, a lot over time is dangerous to a relationship and deadly to a sex life), a woman can remain attracted.

And as long as a woman is complaining about how someone else hurt her feelings, a man can remain attracted. After all, that’s a dragon and he can work with that. ;-)

Love,
Lauren
 

Now I want to hear from you!

Have you noticed that when men share hurt feelings it can feel intimate but not romantic?

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