Initiating sex: who's job is it really?

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
Within the couple, who is supposed to initiate sex?

Hi Charles,
Who initiates sex and Why
Both. Either. Everyone.
I’m going to answer your question more specifically but I want to make it very clear that this is not a one-size-fits-all response.
It’s in trying to make sex a one-size-fit’s-all concept that causes so much of the confusion, misunderstanding, shame and frustration between couples in the bedroom.
Having said that, I think the majority of the responsibility lies with the man because it can be both romantic and sexy when a man is "in charge." It often allows a woman to better connect with her feminine/sexual/sensual side when she feels wanted, admired and desired.
While men also appreciate being wanted, admired, and desired, they usually don’t NEED it in order to connect with their sexual side.
Men on average have 30 times more testosterone than women. Testosterone is the "let's make sexy time" hormone that controls the sex drive. This means men often want more sex more often than women do.
If the couple matches this description, then it’s a man’s job to convince and prepare a woman for sex through seduction and romance.
(Ladies with the big fat sex drive! You’re perfect just the way you are. You’re feminine and beautiful just the way you are. You don’t get extra credit for pretending to be shy, coy, or submissive. If you want to initiate sex, go for it!)
Avoiding Rejection
Part of this job for a man is accepting that he will be rejected sometimes.

It has nothing to do with how attracted she is to you or how much she loves you, she just doesn't have as much testosterone and so she won't be in the mood every time you are.
In the workplace, studies have shown that women have twice the stress levels that men do. When she comes home, however, her stress levels shoot up to 4 times more!
It’s hard to have a sex drive when you’re so stressed out! Your body responds to this stress as if you’re running from a bear; hardly the bow-chicka-bow-wow vibe for relaxing into intimacy. Running from a bear vs. Sex: wildly different hormones.
(Click HERE to watch my dad’s video “Stress is the leading cause of bad relationships” and learn how to support yourself and your partner in lowering your stress levels to promote better sex and happiness.)
It's important for a man to understand these two things and not take her ambivalence personally.
Over time, as a woman continues to “reject” a man’s advances, a man will start to give up.

He figures, if she’s saying, “No” so often then he’ll just wait around for when SHE wants to initiate sex. This seems a far more attractive option to “Mr. Efficiency” since he get’s to do nothing until she takes action.
Unfortunately this logic often drives a couple toward a “dry spell.” And without sex acting as an intimacy anchor, communication issues come up and the relationship spirals downhill.
So don’t let Mr. Efficiency make decisions when it comes to your sex life. Don’t go there. Don’t give up. Never surrender. If anything, work harder on your seduction skills.
My partner once told me,

“Look, just assume I want to have sex with you all the time.”
I looked at him and said,

“I still want you to seduce me.”
And that’s the nuts and bolts of it right there.
Ladies Choice
While this hormone imbalance between men and women exists, it’s important for BOTH parties to initiate sex.

It’s extremely sexy to a man when a woman initiates sex. Just make sure to appreciate these moments as a treat and not expect it to be the norm.
It’s also important for women to let their man know when they’re available for or wanting sex.

If you’re too shy to go up to your man and whisper in his ear,

“I want you to rip my clothes off and take me right here,”

...that’s okay. There are other more subtle ways for you to go about it.
How women can initiate sex without taking the dominant role
Lots of women don’t like initiating sex because they don’t like taking on the dominant role in the bedroom. They want the man to drive. They want to be taken. They want to be swept away into a thoughtless land of sensation.
This isn’t easy for a woman. Our minds are racing all the time with random stuff like shopping lists, to-do lists, work and all the other responsibilities women juggle…
It helps a woman stay in the moment when a man takes the lead and she doesn’t have to make any decisions.
If this is the case, her only job should be letting her man know, “softer,” “harder,” “left,” “right,” “don’t stop,” etc. She should only be thinking about what FEELS good.
If a woman wants to let her man know she’s available for sex, she doesn’t have to sacrifice that role.
Here are two suggestions for initiating sex without taking the dominant role:
1. Throw on some sexy underwear and greet him at the door when he comes home one day. He’ll get the hint and take it from there.
2. Work out a code with him ahead of time that when you light a candle in the bedroom, it means you’re open to and wanting to be seduced. He’ll Robert Langdon that shiz and take it from there!
Just because a woman initiates sex, doesn’t mean she has to give up the position of being the one who is wanted, admired, and desired. She’s just giving him the green light to do all the naughty things to her that he’s been dreaming about all day.
As I said before, it’s in trying to make sex a one-size-fits-all concept that causes so many of the misunderstandings between couples. So here are a few resources to help you customize your sex life and take it to the next level...
1. If you want to learn the communication skills to custom design your own sex life so that both you and your partner’s sexual and emotional needs are met, then click HERE.
2. Click HERE to learn 12 ways to spice up your sex life and natural solutions to boost your sex drive within a week!
3. Click HERE to learn 3 sure-fire ways to orgasm during sex.
With love,

read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Lauren Gray
     4/3/2015 2:40:38 PM
    Thanks for sharing the blog! Muchas gracias Padre.
  • John Gray
     3/24/2015 1:11:25 PM
    Wow, another great video, I just got back from Russia and I am sending this to the 4,000 participants. Such a paradox: women love sex but if they are stressed they need a man's help to find that passion. He loves sex but if she doesn't love sex he loses interest....This is complete update to the old adage, men give love for sex and women give sex for love.... instead men want to sex to feel their love and women need love to feel their passion for sex.
  • Lauren Gray
     2/4/2015 4:02:51 PM
    Hi CherylA, When a man has a low sex drive, it's usually because of 1 of 2 reasons. Here is a blog I wrote that outlines both reasons and provides detailed practical solutions for each: Hope this helps.
  • cherylA
     11/15/2014 9:12:49 AM
    My BF has low testosterone/and low sex drive - I have a high sex drive. He says that he's ok with me initiating - but I want to feel wanted and desired. I want him to show that he wants me by initiating - seems like we are at a dead end? Or not? Also what adds to this dilemma - he lives 1000 miles away and when he comes to visit, (roughly every six weeks) I would normally want to jump his bones for days, he always says, 'calm down'!!!? I don't want us to be a mis match, I do want to make this work, but how?...

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