Is he into me or not? (I'm getting whiplash here!)

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,

I’ve sort of been seeing this guy for 3 months. Right at the beginning we felt a connection but he told me he was not ready for a relationship. Then he added me on Facebook, invited me to his graduation party and on a ski vacation. We had a great time but sometimes he’d become distant with me. When we came back, he stayed over and we cuddled watching a movie. We’ve been texting since but when I invited him to my birthday party, he suddenly went silent and I haven’t heard from him in 3 days. What do I do? Is he into me or not?


Dear Nadine,
Talk about hot and cold! 

Men think women are the complicated one’s who are mysterious and give mixed confusing signals. What they don’t realize is that they can come across just as confusing and misleading!
However, you, my dear, have come to right place because I happen to be an expert in interpreting confusing men. I know a few a things about this guy and I promise I’ll fill you in. ;-)

The Answer.
He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
No, it’s not my psychic abilities that give me this knowing.
He actually TOLD you! He said that he’s not ready for a relationship. So many women hear these words and don’t give them the respect they deserve. Instead, they file them away under, “That’s how he’ll feel until he gets to know me and I change his mind” #muahaha#masterplan.
But if that’s the last you heard on the subject, THAT’s what you need to assume until he says otherwise.
Please don’t feel bad. He enjoys your company, he likes you, and he’s attracted to you. I’m sure of all these things. BUT that doesn’t mean he’s changed his mind.

A man can “like” you and still not want to commit to you.

The Play-by-Play.
At this moment his behavior seems totally random and sporadic. His mood swings are well on their way to giving you whiplash. I get it.

But there's actually a very thoughtful method to his confusing hot and cold madness.

Let me take it play-by-play:
In the beginning, he felt safe being friends with you after setting his boundary so he befriended you on Facebook. After all, he knew, YOU knew, he was off limits.
As you picked up the friendship, he enjoyed hanging out with you and he felt the intimacy and connection between you grow.

You were moving closer to him, but more specifically closer to his B-O-U-N-D-A-R-Y.
Right now, he is in a pickle. He likes and respects you too much to “hit it and quit it.” I know this because most guys who admire, enjoy, and are sexually attracted to a woman who not only likes them back but cuddles with them during a movie, well, most guys would tap that. Unless…
He wants to continue to spend time with you!
Right now he’s pulling away and acting cold because he’s trying to navigate this relationship without feeling like he has to defend himself against you and your expectations of him and the evolving relationship.
He’s not ready for a committed relationship but that doesn’t mean he’s not ready for a connection.

The Solution.
If you are okay having this friendship with him (albeit an intimate, touchy feely one), without any expectation of a relationship, then you need to let him know.
It will put his mind at ease and he will know that he can play, cuddle, laugh and hang out with you casually without fearing that he is leading you on or that he will have to hurt and reject you.
Despite the reputation some men get, NO man wants to hurt a woman’s feelings.
Here’s a script YOU can use to assure him of your intentions:

 “I have so much fun with you. And I know we haven’t talked about it in awhile but I want you to know that I totally respect that you aren’t looking for a relationship right now. I am. But please don’t feel any pressure like I’m looking for a relationship with you. I enjoy my time with you. That’s it.  I have no expectations of you or this friendship beyond good times and laughter. I hope you can make it to my birthday party. You’re a friend I look forward to getting to know better and it would make me really happy if you could swing by.”
See? Super casual. Super easy. There’s no heavy or “serious” talk there. You have let him know your honest intentions: you ARE looking for a relationship. That’s nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
This message, however, lets him know that should he change his mind, you are available.

More importantly, it also lets him off the hook. He won’t have to keep you at arms length to keep the boundary clear. He can feel free to come to your birthday party, cuddle and hang with you without feeling pressured for some sort of commitment to you.
The big fear he has is that he’s going to lead you on and let you down. He really likes you and he really doesn’t want to do this. That’s why he’s acting so sporadic.
Now, if you are NOT okay having just a friendship with him, then let him go. He’s not ready to be who you need him to be right now. Date other men. Many men are looking to be in a relationship RIGHT NOW. Look for them. They’re looking for you too.
With love,
Now, I’d love to hear from you.
Have you ever heard a man say, “I’m not interested in relationship” and went on pretending like he did anyway? How did that work out? Did he change his mind?
How do YOU handle men who aren’t clear with their intentions?

If you loved this advice, please share it with your friends! Click to tweet: How to interpret a man's hot and cold behavior to tell if he's into you or not.  

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read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Minnesota52
     5/9/2016 2:09:53 PM
    Lauren, I am totally confused by this man in my life. We have been dating for just over a year. Recently when I hinted at marriage (we were out with another couple) he took the opportunity later that weekend to have a talk. He will turn 60 this year (I will be 52) and has never been married. I am divorced with three adult children. We have talked about marriage in general and he always wanted to be married and have a family but it just didn't happen for him. He says that marriage is for when you are young and naive. Although, in previous conversations he has said that marriage is a good thing and that friends of his that have said otherwise are wrong. When we talked, he said that he is numb and can't see himself marrying anyone and that he has no goals. Is he having a mid-life crisis? I asked him how he felt about me and he said no matter what he says it would come out wrong. He said he wants someone to talk to and why is it always all or nothing with women? I am heart-broken and he acts like he still wants a relationship. He is affectionate and will hug and kiss me. I want to have another conversation as I feel like we still have a gap of understanding. I don't want to give up on something great if he just needs to sort things out for himself. Should I ride it out for a few more months? What should I look for? What should I be sure to discuss? It's hard to make a good decision without good information. ...
  • cath2015
     1/5/2016 7:04:32 AM
    Hi Lauren, I think I need your expert advice on what is happening with me. I met this awesome guy at my long time friend's house on New Year's eve. This guy happens to be my friend's cousin I had never met before. He lives 3-4 hours away from me. During the family New Year's party we danced all night long. We understand each other very well dancing and love it. The chemistry was there. He even mentioned it a few times. The party lasted all night until 8:00am. Very common in our culture. It was a lot of fun. At the party he asked me for my phone number and we briefly talked about different subjects. He seemed to be everything I have on my wish list. I mean everything. We definitely clicked. The next day, he called me as he promised ( he remembered my number which I didn't think he would). He got together, had dinner, drinks, went to my place. He ended up staying over. Not proud of that and had talked about not doing 'anything', but we did... It was great! - again, I'm not proud I didn't keep my promise... The following the we had breakfast together and since him and his family from another state (cousins, ants) where also visiting. They had plans to go into town. He invited me to go with him. I thanked him, but told him 'no'. The truth, even though I know his family, I felt embarrased they would know we were together so fast, plus I thought he needed his space. During that day, he texted me, sent me pics of him and his family and asked me to get together that night. Since it was vacation weekend, another unexpected party took place at his family's house, a low key one, just among them.. he asked me to come by, but for the same reason I told him 'no'. I didn't see him that night even though he had told me earlier that night he would come by (before his family starting partying again). Anyway, it was a late night for them and right after lunch the next day he came by and we had lun..
  • lostpuppy
     10/7/2015 5:35:10 AM
    Live this site! I was seeing a guy I met from through a friend. He asked to date me on a dating site I belong to. Its a bit complicated as I was dating his good friend before this who left me. So our first date was really just hanging out and having a few beers, he drove me home. We kept in touch by texting but not a lot (as he works long shifts and 9-10 days straight in catering til xmas). He told me he never has much time to date. He said he was with a woman before me and they split twice cause of his work schedule but shes also too busy. So after texting, once I said'you can drop by sometime" and he texted he would come after his work. So he came but again only had 2 hrs, as he has to get up at 430 am for work. This time it was amazing the chemistry and hes so down to earth, but he was comparing himself to my friend. It turns out hes not so crazy about this friend its just they go back 30 yrs together through relations. He was mentioning he has to get off the dating site, so the next day I noted he took his photos off but hes still active (he can look for women but they cant come into his profile). I see him there pretty well daily! So we texted but it was like one a day and I d get a response 7 hrs later. I found out his texting was being sent 3 hrs later! I mentioned I miss him and like him and would like to see him again and he said he has no time for any woman right now but if I like we can stay in touch texting (and he has my phone number I don't have his) I said okay. I don't really have friends here. So w henever I would mention when can you see me, he would respond, I will come see you when Im not busy or when I have free time. This happened 3 times and 6 days went by and I got upset. So when I came across upset he said'I only like you as a friend, I did not make any promises to you. I am a busy man with not a lot of free time, take care" he never contacted for 4 days but he has not blocked me, which men usually ..
  • dawnindevon
     9/27/2015 11:11:19 AM
    hi, i really need some proper advice please . I was talking to some one on a site .we meet last wk at mine and had amazing sex, but i don't think he is into me, i sent him a text the next day saying "i really like you and i like your cock, i hope i see you both again" he sent back "thanks, im sure you will see us both again" . thats not what i was hoping for, what do i do now, please help
  • peko123
     9/14/2015 5:59:29 PM
    HI Lauren, I hope you can help me. So I've been seeing this guy for almost 5 months, he's a dental school student from SF. We met at the club, and exchanged number. But I was going to end everything that night cause I don't believe I can find the one from a night club. He texted me the very next day and wanted to ask me out like couple days after, but I didn't trust him so I said I was busy and rejected him. Yet he didn't stop there. In fact he kept on texting me every single day, we end up knowing each other more so I decided to give a try and went on a date with him after a week. Then things just started. We dated for about a month and I knew that he wanted to ask me to be his girlfriend, There's even a few times he told me he really likes me and doesn't wanna play around with me nor be my sex partner. But I was married and was going through a divorce with my ex so basically I was not ready for any relationship and I didn't want him to get involve into anything, so I decided to be honest to him. I thought the truth would scared him away, yet he decided to stay and remain "dating". We then separated for 2 month cause he went back to SF, and I went to Asia for a month just couple days before he came back. But we still skype and even texted each other every single day with good morning and night. Everything was ok until couple weeks ago I think we should stop this "dating" and hopefully can become a relationship. I told him I was officially divorce, yet he said he wanna focus on his study and said we both are not ready for a relationship.He changed completely within 2 weeks and we just keep on having these talks about how he just wanna focus on study and telling me I have to focus on myself too. He said he really wants to treat me as a really good friend, but he is sexually attracted to me. We are both sexually attracted but why did he even confessed and treated me as a girlfriend all along? Even his friends
  • beth908
     8/19/2015 8:19:00 PM
    I was wondering if you could help me out. I have been seeing a guy for almost 3 months. From the start he said he wasn't interested in a "full on serious relationship" and at that stage I wasn't either. He then told me 5 weeks ago that he had feelings for me but wasn't ready to commit to them yet. I was intoxicated and my reaction was "okay we should stop sleeping together/talking etc." Up until this point it had been really perfect and he always replies asap, initiates to hang out etc. After this conversation he came back really strong without even a day in between where there was no contact and kept initiating plans e.g., going away together and paying for it. We didn't sleep together for 2 weeks but as he lives with 4 of my best friends, we fell back into a sleeping together arrangement again and things pretty much went back to where they stopped. I had a conversation with him this week because I really wanted to know where I stand. He pretty much said that he didn't want "rules" i.e., you can't sleep with someone else, however for this time we would only sleep with each other and if we did sleep with someone else then we would have to tell each other and it would change what we have. I was happy with this. When it came to kissing other people, he said that because I wasn't his girlfriend, I wouldn't need to tell him if I kissed someone else because it would hurt him but if i were his girlfriend, he would want to know. I pretty much said I disagree and coming from a place of security that it would be nice to know that he wasn't out kissing other girls. He doesn't' go out much either which he used to try and reassure me. I told him that due to the living situation and fear of getting hurt I may want to remove myself from the situation. Overall I was happy with the conversation but upon reflection I'm wondering if he just sees me as a friends with benefits thing (even ...
  • paper bag
     5/7/2015 2:28:56 AM
    I'm googling to understand my situation and came across this. I've been seeing a guy for the last 6 months. We live 10 minutes from each other. At the beginning he said he wasn't sure what he wanted but he really liked being with me and wanted to see where it went. We saw each other several times a week for dinner, tv, sex etc. and it was all good. After about 3 months, he stopped calling, texting for almost 2 weeks - so I thought well he's done and doesn't know how to say it. As I like closure I sent a message basically saying that I fully understood if he didn't want to continue seeing me - goodluck and goodbye. He came over to my house within an hour of receiving the message and saying - no it's all good, for him the silence is normal etc etc etc. We started seeing each other again but with less frequency - once a week. We spoke about this because I thought for 2 people who live 10 minutes from each other this was not good enough for me. I don't recall how that panned out but I let it slide. Problem is the silence has returned and this time I do think I'm done. Mainly because I think if he wants to be with me he will and if he hasn't called me in over a week then he doesn't want to be with me and I should just let it go and move on. I want more so why should I settle for this? I'm tired of waiting but I'm a bit POed that I gave him an out and he rushed back only to do this again ....... Anyway ........
  • bellapee
     4/8/2015 1:59:50 AM
    i see this is an old post but i found it interesting..I am in a similar situation the guy says to me he is not looking for a serious relationship at the moment but wants to see me almost every week.When we are together it seems perfect kisses,hugs,sex and when we part he goes quite then 4 days later he texts to say he wants to meet again...its been happening for 4 months.I ignored him for some time when he asked why i said he was not communicating then he says to me again i am not looking for a serious relationship but i am willing to communicate more often going forward..I really like him but i am not sure...
  • Irish_eyes
     12/28/2014 8:20:17 AM
    I've been in a casual....I'll say situation off and on for 2 yrs with a guy who in the beginning said he wasn't looking for a commitment which I was fine cuz I wasn't looking for one either. However, he's always giving me mixed signals. I've tried to tell him that and that it needs to stop and he says ok I wasn't trying to give them but he still continues to. Why would he continue to give them after I point it out or is it possible he doesn't realize he's even doing it? I live about an hr away from him so our time together is limited but recently it's not just him and I anymore. Now he has friends over to hang out with us which is not the best thing with casual hook-ups. His friends stay late and when I'm tired and want to leave he doesn't want me to and says he wants to cuddle and then when I do leave he gives these long hugs and kisses me goodbye. There is so much that I left out here but don't want to bore anyone with my story. I don't know what to think anymore. Part of me thinks he wants more but part of me believes he doesn't. Mixed signals makes my head hurt lol ...
  • NYCgirl
     9/24/2014 8:56:17 AM
    Oh lord, this is so text book - thank you Lauren for this wonderful piece! I too was in the same situation. I was set up on a blind date and within the first ten minutes of our first date, he said: "I'm actually not looking for a relationship right now". I wish I had read your advice and knew the translation of that. All I I heard was "not right now" and in my female brain, that meant: I can change his mind. Oh boy! So we continued to hang out, went out several more times and then he turned around and said: "I've changed my mind. I am actually ready for a girlfriend and I think you and I have chemistry". What followed was a year long relationship with lots of heartache, because he kept prioritizing his friends and work and kept telling me "He doesn't want to commit". It felt like he had one foot in and one foot out. Long story short, we finally ended the relationship and since then, any time a man says: "He's not looking for a relationship" I run for the hills, because, like you said Lauren, the man does not want a relationship WITH ME...end of story, nothing to be upset about, now I can just quickly move on to the next potential :)...
  • najmeh
     9/5/2014 12:27:03 AM
    hi my dear Lauren Thank you soooo much for your GREAT advice. I experienced a very very confused boy and now I want to ask you about him.because you are REALLY expert. ;) I was in relation with him for 6 months. I'm Muslim and as you know, we can't stay in relation for a long time without any purpose. so after 2 or 3 months of starting our relationship he said I'm not in a situation to think about marriage ( I know that he was not in good financial situation). I said I want you to know that money, good car ,... are not very important for me and I can't be with you just for fun or any other purpose except marriage. He didn't go! and a day after, he called me again and we started talking about marriage. We were very very very good together. and he always behaved like I'm his wife. once I told him that if he don't like we can stop talking about marriage. but he didn't stop! ( remember that in all this times we never had sex or even kiss or anything else). after some months we went together to my sister who is doctor and very rich, because of his stomachache. some days later he said he can't think about marriage. I said OK I think it's time to break up. we broke up. one month after it, he called me and asked to see each other and speak. in our meeting he said that do you allow me to ask for marry to your sister?! I said yes, you can do it. He said if you say no, I wont go for it. I said you can go, I wont say no. Now, after about 6 month, he sometimes send me SMS and call me. but I give him no answer. He never speak about this with my sister and he never asked her for marry. still it make me confused that why he did so?!!! Please Lauren, give me an answer. Sorry for writing so much and my bad ENG.:-* ...
  • Sarahhhhhhhh
     9/2/2014 8:36:56 PM
    This helped so much , it's honestly exactly what I'm going through !
  • Sarahhhhhhhh
     9/2/2014 8:13:30 PM
    This helped so much , it's honestly exactly what I'm going through !
  • mylife
     9/1/2014 12:28:32 PM
    That night he didnt come to chat.After 3 days i found out that he has blocked me on chat .A few days later, he did so with skype too.Why should he do that after being so close and intimate till the previous night.Is it because of the joke i cracked.I even emailed him not to stay cold and break the good friendship we share. But no reply. Why should a guy be so close and inttimate with someone if he is still waiting for his GF. He is not at all a playboy. Always is a focused and studious student.I always never crossed boundaries and maintain it as good friends.Then why should he suddenly block me off the next morning?Is it because he realized he has developed feelings and getting into distraction mode?So he probably he blocked me off.Really confused with his behavior.I am not seeing him now as he is in another course.However will see him 2 months time for a course.How do I rest if I see him again.I fact is I heve developed feelings deep within even though i always stayed a good friend Will he ever come back.Pl tell me what to do to get him back if there's chance.Pl advise...
  • mylife
     9/1/2014 11:46:00 AM
    (Part 2) The last day we chatted was 2 weeks ago. I kind of wanted to just joke with him as he would constantly joke with me that he is not my friend and that my colleagues are the ones who are my actual friends.So on that day, I told him that I met an amazing guy in the bus who called me for just a lunch as he was from my same state.He immediately lashed at me saying that I am different to go out with a stranger and people can take advantage of me as I am attractive.He then added saying that we should stop chatting and that it is pointless as I have to focus on my career and become whatever I want and that he is not part of that plan.I then apologized many times and told him it was just a joke and then he cooled down. It was then he told me that he knows me but once trust builds between us, nothing is an issue. This got me confused. Where is trust building in a friendship?Anyway, we then chatted for an hour after that abt rotations, became intimate and then he ended conversation saying that we can continue chat tomorrow at 9 pm.In the morning, I texted him in a friendly manner for the new course he was doing as he was tensed abt it the previous day. ...
  • mylife
     9/1/2014 11:28:34 AM
    Hi I am a student who started having feelings for a guy who is doing school with me.It was him who asked my number initially and asked me to text me to see if he received my number. It did as he said. After that it was almost chatting for atleast the next week.He told me about how he was in a relationship for 6 years and how timid the girl was as she could not go against her parents and get married to him. He told me that he then moved on to have another close which he didnot pursue as GF as they both felt that they had not much feelings into it.He is still in good friendly contacts with this girl. It was then that his ex did a drama and came back into his life and has since then remained in his life without any surity. He told my colleagues that they dont get along well and that they fight always even before he met me. He never had any close relationship with any girls other than me in my grp.He told me that even hf his ex comes , there is no guarantee from his side and career is his main focus and he is sick and tired of all the drama. Right from the beginning,he also wanted to know about my life.well i also had a broken relationship which i told him about and he was totally empathetic towards it. He wanted to meet up with me as through conversations he found me innocent and someone close he can confide on. Just on the day we had to meet up, he cancelled it saying that its better off us texting as he feels it is a distraction for both of our studies and that he doesnot want any relationship now and situations should not change. Well, I texted him back saying that all I wanted to be was a good friend to him and know him better. But he insisted we only chat and let destiny decide our tale. After that, we only chatted.The chat used to start friendly but will get intimate ultimately.He had inhibitions calling me as a friend although he opened out everything to me and was very intimate and close to me.The last day we chatted was 2 weeks ago. I kind of wanted to j...
  • April1996
     8/5/2014 1:58:39 PM
    Dear Lauren, I'm kinda hoping you'd be able to help me with my dilemma. I've grown up with my childhood sweetheart and we dated for just over three years, but over the space of those three years we have been on and off due to added pressure from other people, this guy had a hard time since his mother passed away and he became controlling and possessive over me as he thought I was going to leave him too if he didn't hold on to me tightly - only this was too tight for me to bare as my health isn't particularly great, I put up with that for a while as I knew it was to be expected seeming his mum had just passed away but as time went on it got harder and harder so I decided to leave the relationship, in doing this I suffered constant abuse from some of his family members, they accused me of being a "gold digger" and only wanting this guy for money, some of the things they had said to me was very distressing, his Auntie even threatened to go to my college and beat me up. In time we managed to work it out and we got back together again, but even then the abuse didn't stop from his second oldest sister, eventually his sister came round when she had a baby and a fiancé of her own when the same Auntie that gave me abuse was abusing her fiancé, his sister told him that she wouldn't get involved in our relationship, but something else happened. We were having sex and I told him to stop because I got a pain in my side, and I told him that I would rather have cuddles and kisses than sex which he accepted, only he assumed we were "experimenting" and he decided he was going to try anal on me even though I said no, after he had forced it a little bit he cried and said he was a monster which I tried to stop him from feeling like that as I didn't like seeing him cry, he was toying with the idea of quitting the relationship yet again, but I said I'd prefer to have a break, after telling my parents about what happen...
  • fatam610
     7/20/2014 11:36:46 AM
    I have been seeing a guy for over a year. We have known each other for 20+ years. He asked to take me out to dinner when we first started seeing each other. At that time, I was angry and refusing to let anyone else hurt me so I told him that I was not ready. For eight months now, I have only been with him. My feelings have changed and I said the "L" word and he did not say it back. His reply: "We both feel the same, but I am not ready to say it back." I am at a lost :(
  • Braysha123
     7/15/2014 11:22:12 AM
    Hey! I need advice ! Alright, so to start things off I met this guy who is my bestfriends boyfriends roommate. We both went to the same high school, however didn't talk much in school. Anyway, the first night we met we both got very drunk and one thing led to another, we didn't have sex, but close enough. Anyway, right then and there I set boundaries, I said we should keep doing this bc I'm not a relationship type of girl. I also told him I know how these nights end so don't feel obligated to get my number in the morning. However, he agreed to fwb, but asked for my number in the morning. Instantly, started texting me and flirting constantly. Brought me to get food, we cuddle, play video games, and don't even have sex. My friend asked him straight up if he liked me and he responded "well duh, I just don't want a gf!" Now I know I set boundaries to be fwb but I think I'm starting to like him. Is there anyway to change his mind? Keep in mind I'm a very prideful person so I'm not gonna admit to liking him until he does to my face, not my friends. ...
  • BlueAlien
     7/10/2014 3:34:26 PM
    Hi Lauren, I have a question about this guy I met online 2 years ago. When we first met he had a girlfriend and I wasn't looking for a relationship so being just friends wasn't a challenge. They broke up about a year after we met but I still wanted to be just friends, a few months ago though I started noticing that I had feelings for him (thanks to my family pointing it out). We've never met but we have FaceTimed and Skyped before. We stay up until 3 am just talking pretty much everyday. He's 2 hours ahead so he normally stays up until 5 am and sometimes doesn't even go to bed after I fall asleep. We've talked about anything and everything and he has become my best friend. He can cheer me up no matter what mood I'm in. We're in a group chat with a mutual friend we met from the same site. He's always teasing us about dating and my friend has even said he loves me. I'm pretty sure he was kidding (do guys kid about that kind of thing?). He's also told me he's very shy and even though he liked his ex-girlfriend almost instantly it took him 6 months to get up the courage to ask her out. He says he can't take hints even if they're completely obvious to everyone else....
  • ava1982
     7/8/2014 3:59:10 PM
    Hello Lauren i have a similar issue just like some of the ladies on this site. I met a man back in April and had a breakfast date one day. We both agreed that we're not interested in a relationship. We started seeing each other ver often, he has taken me out to lunch and we also have been having sex (GREAT SEX) He has been very very consistent since day one. texting all the time and lately he has actually been calling "to hear my voice" rather than texting. He tells me he misses me, he wants me, thinking about me, thinking about spending time with me. After we depart from each other he texts me and tells me he enjoyed my company. At one point he asked me when will i spend the night with him.....with my big mouth i replied, "that's not what friends with benefits do" smh...he told my girlfriend that he was a little disappointed about my response. 2 weeks ago he took me out to lunch, a week ago Sunday he texts me and said he missed me and wished that i was right there laying next to him. It's been a week since i've heard from him. I don't understand him, sometimes he's hot then he's cold. i like him ALOT but because we both said we didn't want a relationship i don't know ho to turn off my feelings. I don't know what he wants....fwb's don't express their feelings the way that he does. He's 43 and i'm 31. he's been single for 10years (not in a committed relationship) i know i wrote alot but i hope that this message finds you in good health and that you can reply ASAP. thanks ...
  • Lauren Gray
     7/4/2014 12:54:24 PM
    Lady_art201, Glad you've been enjoying the blogs! This question is a little involved for the comments but if you'd like one-on-one support, I actually offer that in email advice packages here: Look forwarding to working with you if this sounds like something you'd like. :-)
  • LesMis1988
     7/1/2014 9:58:23 AM
    I could use some advice: I started working at this grocery store about 6 months ago, all the co-workers were nice.This one guy introduced himself, and then we had break together one day, he started asking if I had a boyfriend, why I was single and what type of guys I was into.I didn't think too much of it, just thought he was one of those overly interested guys.I was vague with my answers, but still friendly enough.A few months later, my brother-in law was in an accident, and I was upset at work, he comforted me by giving me a hug and kissed my hand and said "I'm here for you babe" Thought that was a little odd, but again passed it off as him being a friend when I needed one.Its been about six months now, and today, during break he asked about my work schedule, you know normal chatty stuff, and asked what I do on my long days off, I said I babysat.He then said "You need a man in your life, you shouldn't be sitting at home while the people you babysit for go out partying, that's not right.You need someone who likes you for you, someone who won't force you into partying, someone who wants to spend time with you. I'm like yeah I know, I haven't met anyone yet.Then he asked "How old are you" I told him, and he asked "What's the age cap that you would date someone" I gave an answer and he said.. ou wouldn't consider someone over that age?" he kept asking this in different ways, I said well age doesn't really matter, as long as he's not younger than me and not old enough to be my dad. He asked me if I knew one of our other co-workers (kept this name out for privacy purposes) and I said a little bit..I thought he was gonna suggest I go out with this other worker lol, but he said "He says I should take out to dinner.Your the perfect woman for me Then a few weeks later, I was leaving work he was in the break room for lunch.He asked "When do you work next"...
  • Lady_art201
     6/30/2014 10:54:02 AM
    cont (part3) But I'm stuck, in a zone where I'm getting all kinds of signals from him, my feelings grow deeper, but he's dating a mysterious someone else, and he could be so odd that perhaps the signals i'm picking up are his attempts at being nice. :( p.s. EXCUSE the stupid long post. I'm truly sorry and understand if it's just too much to respond to. But this is such a subtle game, that I had to explain it all! I appreciate your time regardless.
  • Lady_art201
     6/30/2014 10:52:46 AM
    cont (part2)- Now I go to dinner with a mutual friend of ours, and I'm not sure how but he mentioned that Mr. B was seeing someone else at the time. Which is weird, we go to a lot of social functions together, and I've never heard him talk, or bring the person he's dating. We continued to hang out and every time he opens up more.He invited me and some friends to a BBQ his family was throwing.. by the end of the day his father and step mother both asked me if I could consider their boy. They called me daughter by the end of that night! I've fallen for him really hard. We went to an event together in which my ex was there. My ex has made it public he wants to get back together with me.. so he would show up and interrupt every time Mr. B and I would talk. After this event Mr. B didn't contact me at all. Two weeks after in another event, the same friend who pointed out his stares to me, asked him out of curiosity if there was something going on. She told me " He said nothing was going on, so casually it felt true" I thought he would stop calling or stop hanging out because people have been suspecting something is going on between us. If he truly felt nothing (and if he was dating someone else) then he would distance himself, right? I would! But no, instead he called me to meet him at a bar two days after ( with friends that didn't show up) and we spent the night talking. He even took me to his house and lent me some DVDS! In fact this last week, we all went out and he taught me how to partner dance. We danced the night, he twirled me constantly, held on to me, encouraged me. When I would break off to dance on my own, it wouldn't be too long till he would grab my hand and twirl me some more. I'm not sure what's happening Lauren! I want this friendship to continue so I'm afraid to step up and just ask him. But I'm stuck, in a zone where I'm getting all kinds of signals from h...
  • Lady_art201
     6/30/2014 10:46:02 AM
    Hello Lauren! Big time fan here. Now I wanted to send you a letter on this subject, but i found this thread and well, it made sense to post here as I'm in a similar situation. It started 1 year ago, at the time I was with my ex, and Mr. B all of the sudden wanted to hang out a lot. Now we know each other for about 7 years but as distant acquaintances. We both work in the same field, are both considered top of our field and have a ton of mutual friends. He invited me to his birthday ( to which I attended with my ex) , and asked me to hang out a lot last year. He was warm to me, but oddly cold to my ex. We were both at a workshop teaching classes last November. A friend of mine came up to me and told me a curious observation about him. That he would follow me with his gaze everywhere. Now I thought she was kind of insane, because seriously.. this guy is just too handsome for me, and I was certain he wouldn't display such affections as I personally don't think I'm his type. Seriously he looks like Brad Pitt, he dates gorgeous models. I'm adorable but I'm not a model. Well anyways, I started paying attention and realizes he was staring at me always! I paid no real mind to it because I was trying to keep my old relationship together... and seriously he dates models, not ladies like me. Now this last December I ended the relationship with my ex( we've been together 6 years, and in those 6 years he constantly abused me verbally. Sometimes I feared he would abuse me physically as well... It was just awful.). On February Mr. B started approaching me, and suddenly we're hanging out 2-3 times a week for months and months. Always happy to see me, always dilated pupils, always grooming himself, always standing/sitting next to me. Now as handsome as he is, this guy is pretty quiet and can be a bit of an odd person (he can be quiet and awkward to even his family and closest friends!), but he opens up and we can ta...
  • Seïla
     6/15/2014 9:11:54 AM
    Well, it seems more complicated than I thought... And actually hurting to realize it will go nowhere. I know I will never have the courage to use the template script. I tried to tell him something similar 3 times over the past 6 months, the latest being a few days ago, and I didn't manage ... I haven't just dreamed his attraction to me - feelings/emotions only as we carefully (!) don't touch each other - but yet I have to give it up. If not I will just drop dead one day, "dead from unfulfilled hopes"... I will try to go on. Thanks Lauren, it is good to know what this close/distant thing is about. It is quite disruptive for me but having been deeply hurt some years ago, I am already happy that I can feel my heart fully awaken now. I will find the one one day. Thanks again to all for sharing....
  • Guest_792DA74C-C
     5/18/2014 4:56:46 PM
    Hey Lauren, Thanks heaps for your video. Has helped me clear a lot of confusion about a Guy I met a few months ago with virtually the same reaction <3
  • cutestar95
     3/25/2014 2:26:23 AM
    continuing on my prev post....he would call my room mate and chk on my mood or discuss the conflict with her. but never answer any of my msgs to close the conflict. I told my room mate that the whole calling her and chking on me business made me feel unsafe ( which is true) and she called me crazy. I told her i didnt feel like trusting anyone and she promised to not get into our buisness again. later she ran to him and cried on his shoulder saying that I was trying to harm her because of him. he yelled at me and ended the friendship. Now, I ended up feeling confused, betrayed and lost. So, what was my place in the boys life ? a friend ? someone to use or play with or did he have romantic interest ? what was the whole deal of calling my room mate ? insecurity ? or revenge ? I told him several times, if he needed space let me know, and call me when he is done but he NEVER did it. Never !!! what was that ? was I of no value to him ? and so he did it , was he just stonewalling ? please just clear my confusion cause I am tired of trying to figure people out and keeping them from harming me...
  • cutestar95
     3/25/2014 2:17:20 AM
    Hi Lauren, I know it is a slightly older post but i am hoping for a reply, I have a similar situation with this guy, and I am thoroughly confused. At first I was just friendly with him and was oblivious to anything more than that. ( but apparently at that time, he was avoiding me because he thought I had a crush on him, I sort of picked up on it but dismissed it thinking i was imagining things). Then, he started to do things that i felt were very not "just friendly". A lot of touching me and tickling me, I am very ticklish and i dont like being tickled. but he would keep doing it and i would keep whining that he was scaring me and he would ask why it scared me. he would touch my waist or put his leg next to mine, and watch my expression which was usually confused ( he is american and I am a conservative asian and very slow on picking up on things romantic, i usually wondered if it was just friendly.) and then one day we were planning his move to another state, and he asked me to come with him. I was surprised, and I told him i couldnt, and he said i was breaking his heart. on his birthday, he said all he wanted was my smile. during the same period we had a couple of spats, once we added a class together and decided to be partners and he joined someone else, when i asked him about it, he was mad at me and said we were acting like couples. ( i was shocked because I was only saying things because I dont like being ditched in the last minute by my friends). he told me i was suffocating him by sending all the messages trying to talk to him about our fights. i disconnected my phone. later he came and said sorry and we sort of made up. so yeah, and i asked him while we were star gazing one night, that sometimes some of his actions and words didnt seem just friendly and he said he was just kidding. Moreover he had this tendency of never answering my calls or messages when I am upset about something he did, he would instead call my room mate and check on my moods
  • Lauren Gray
     3/7/2014 1:40:04 PM
    PureLove, Thanks for your share. As long as you're getting your needs met and you're enjoying yourself then it's fine that he's getting his needs met. BUT if you're holding out for him to change and you're giving to him only to bide time until he can give you what you need then I recommend that you draw some boundaries and stop being so available to him. You deserve to have your needs met and you can still be a good friend and a good person even if you're not doing everything for him and being everything to him. You can always pick it up later when (and if) he's more available to give you what you need. ...
  • PureLove
     3/5/2014 12:25:11 PM
    My story is a bit different in that I have known the guy for 23 years as a friend. We met through work and kept in touch. We had one romantic incident (just a kiss) but at the time I was working overseas and the kiss was at the end of a dinner when I was home. I had no idea there was anything romantic. We kept in touch while I was overseas for 4 years just as friends. He met someone and got married - I was invited to the wedding and went. I always felt a nice friendship with him however I was not part of his married life. He even told me once that I was "his" friend when I jokingly asked why I am not invited to the house for dinner. We live in different cities and rarely see each other but do have a comfortable connection when we do have the opportunity to grab lunch/dinner if I am in his city for work. They had 3 kids and had what seemingly was a great relationship. Fast forward to 18 - 19 years later and she has divorced him last year. I happened to be in his city recently and reached out to see how he was doing. We reconnected after 3 - 4 years of not really being in touch and nothing seemed to have changed with our comfort. He was very open with the divorce but seemed very angry (understandably). However I started to realize that "she" was always at fault of the divorce in his stories. I tried to stay objective but now realize that he may be extremely Passive Aggressive/Borderline Narcissistic Personality. He kissed me on a night out over the holidays and it felt very natural however he never moved forward with any other normal forms of communication. The text messages were very personal and intimate with family information but that was about it. I realize that he was using his comfort with me to get him what he needed in validation and i (as a nice giving friend) gave it to him. I do not know if this is who he is or if this is a product of his bad marriage from what I can assume is also a narcissistic manipulator ex-wife.
  • Lady_Bella
     1/3/2014 7:26:45 PM
    Thanks for advice Lauren. I will be careful and set the boundaries so that this friendship doesn't get touchy feely and so its clear to him that I can only be his friend. Love your advice - it's funny, but so clear and practical and down to earth. You're awesome!
  • Lauren Gray
     1/2/2014 12:12:17 PM
    JPerky3010, I Love it! What a great example of direct, clear, compassionate, and lighthearted communication. My only addition would simply be to remind you to live your life in the mean time and not put things on pause "waiting" for him. But it sounds like this is already your attitude. :-)
  • jperky3010
     1/2/2014 10:40:50 AM
    I have a similar situation. Met this guy in July (who said he just wanted to be friends) and started seeing each other fairly regular & text pretty much every day. We enjoyed each other's company & became touchy-feelly, cuddling on the couch, kissing, I even spent the night a few times (at his request) although we did sleep in separate beds (one of those times was for a couple of days when I had some vacation from work). Then he started to pull away and we had a bit of "argument" for lack of a better word around the end of Oct and I didn't see him again until the first of Dec. Saw each other a few times eventhough he was a bit stand-offish than he was before. So I asked him to come over New Years Eve & he declined. I then told him that as the new year approaches he needs to decide if & how he wants me in his life, that I wasn't going to force him (he pretty much told his 18yr old daughter who is away at college & who he is always making the effort to talk to her the same thing so I just took a page from his book & told him that). Told him that he would probably hear from me from time to time but if we spent time together it would have to be his call. I keep it has light-hearted as I could through texting, so now I wait and see what happens. :-)...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/1/2014 11:39:17 AM
    Carebear33, Great question! And I think it would make a great blog post as well! Off the top of my head you could say something like, "I've really enjoyed getting to know you better these past 4 months. I love spending time with you! We have a blast together. I guess I'm just wondering where we stand. What is this? Are we just friends? Are we in a relationship? Are we exclusive? I personally am looking to be in a relationship and if you're not there yet that's fine. But I'd love to just have a straight up conversation about what this is and where you think it's going." DO NOT start this conversation with the words, "WE NEED TO TALK." Have a lighthearted casual attitude, leave any intensity at the door. And at the end, give him space to think. Do not interrupt him. And do not take his silence personally, it's just him thinking. Best way to handle anything is with compassion and be direct. Hope this helped!!...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/1/2014 11:29:28 AM
    Hi Lady_Bella. I've been there before. And yes, it's like this blog post says but switched. It's your job to be really clear about your intentions. Not once, not twice, but consistently confront the fact that you are not interested in a relationship and that a friendship is all you can give him. In general, I would recommend that you stop being touchy feely with him. A man's brain can listen to your boundary but when you're actions are stirring his "other brain" it's hard for him to get real clear on the dynamic....
  • Lauren Gray
     1/1/2014 11:23:56 AM
    DisaJyoti, you have to decide how much of your time and recourses you want to invest in this flaky guy. I personally wouldn't put all your eggs in this one basket. Instead of sending (what could be taken as) a passive aggressive text that implied that he's done something wrong, ask for an update. In the future, say something like, "Hi! Just checkin in. I'm really looking forward to New Years (or whatever the event is). Do you have an update on whether you'll be able to make it or not? It should be a really fun night!" Can you see the difference between these two? In your text, he has to start his response with an apology and an admission of guilt, "Sorry I haven't gotten back to you..." In my version of the text, he has the opportunity to a) participate in something really fun and b) make you happy by showing up because you're looking forward to it. He knows he'll be accepted. Hope this helped! Try this technique out with him and see if it makes a difference. :-)...
  • Carebear33
     12/31/2013 1:12:45 PM
    Hi Lauren, I'm wondering how to figure out if he wants to be in a relationship if he hasn't said he doesn't want to be. I suppose the answer would be that he would ask me out...but in my case he hasn't. We've been dating 4 months now, everything is great but I'd like more. How do I find out if he wants to take this to the next level? Do you have a script to find out where we stand?
  • Lady_Bella
     12/30/2013 10:15:21 AM
    Hi Lauren, Awesome blog! I am in a similar relationship, except that in my case, he's Nadine! I'm the one who has said that I am not ready for a relationship..right now. But I feel that this is turning into a touchy feely friendship. I have no problems about being friends with him - I really enjoy his company and we have a great connection. He insists that he wants to be friends with me... Does this work the same way in reverse? I am scared that I may end up hurting him.
  • DisaJyoti
     12/29/2013 7:47:47 AM
    I just love you're a goof ball like me :) Anyhow, I'm in a similar situation as Nadine but this "friend" says he DOES want a relationship. Although we are long distance (2 hour drive) from one another, every time I make a plan with him, it has fallen through. So, I took a long look at myself and discovered that I too had my armor up, and I now have released that. I invited him to bring in the New Years with me 2 days ago, and he said that he was working at would get back to me after work. Did not happen. Now what? I sent him a message this morning that read "so do I take this as a no?"- am awaiting his response....

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