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My guy has pulled away, what does this mean?

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,
My boyfriend and I have been together for three weeks. He was very attentive and called several times a day and we were inseparable. Recently, he called to tell me that he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me. However, when that night came, he decided that he just wanted to stay home and relax. He said he wasn’t mad but wanted me to let him be. All day I was thinking that it had something to do with me and with us. I keep wondering what it is that is bothering him so much to make him so withdrawn. I hate that he is having to deal with such a burden. I feel heartsick. Help.
-Britney


Dear Britney,
Isn’t it amazing how every time he calls it feels like such a treat but the moment that little luxury is taken away we are reduced to feeling lost and helpless? It’s almost like we’ve become addicted to his attention without even noticing. It’s a yucky place to be. You have no control over how he feels or what he does. But you do have control over your feelings and your actions. There are tools I can give you that can lift this weight off your heart.


First tool: no worries!

On Venus to love someone is to worry about someone. Your friend goes down to the stream to get water and she doesn’t come back for two whole hours. When she finally walks through the door you say, “Oh my goodness, where have you been? I’ve been so worried about you!” In chick-language this means, “I’ve been thinking about you even though I was doing something else. I was scared something happened to you so I love you.”

On Mars it translates into, “I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. You are like a man-baby rather than a warrior.” Telling a guy you worry about him is insulting his ability to deal with a problem. Now that men don’t get to hunt down wild boar for dinner, their only claim to fame is how they solve problems at their place of work. So please…do not worry about him. There is no burden. There are only problems that he gets to solve. Feel lighter yet?


Second tool: understanding!

You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t smother him or demand his attention. He offered it freely and with love. He just needs to pull back for a while. Just as you feel you need more of him, he is probably feeling he needs more of his life back. Not your fault. Sometimes in the hoopla of falling in love, we can lose sight of all the other things in life that make us who we are. Whether that means watching football with the boys, eating your favorite dessert even though it makes you farty, hanging out with your family, indulge in a hobby (drawing, fixing cars), etc.

The moment these things are forgotten is the moment your relationship is in trouble. Without this independence and perspective, your significant other becomes your everything. And NO-ONE, no matter how much they care for you, can take the weight of being your everything. Just remember, your honey is your dessert, not the main meal. Just as he needs to back up and find balance so that he is not “falling over” in love with you, you need to back up for a while. Which leads me to:


Tool #3: Distractions.

Keep busy. The best thing you can do is to occupy yourself doing things you enjoy and spending time with friends. Do one of those green facial masks at home that feel so good but always scare boys.  Watch The Notebook and cry as much as you like without anyone there to tease you for it. Hang out with your girls and gossip. Light some candles and get your vibrator out. There is no reason romance needs to leave your bedroom just because he’s not there.

If you stay busy and fill your time with things that make you happy, your neediness will disappear. This will pave his road back to you with rose petals rather than the current signs that read, “Beware! Your girlfriend is needy,” “Watch out! She resents you for abandoning her,” and “Turn back. Only madness lies this way!” Not to mention, sex is always better if you haven’t seen each other in a while.

So no worries, be patient, stay busy, have fun and reap all the benefits!

-Lauren

Now I want to hear from you! Does your partner pull away sometimes? Do you take it personally? How do you deal? What do you do to make yourself happy while your sweetie isn’t available? Get specific peeps! How else are we going to learn from your genius and life experience?

Did you enjoy this article? Please share it with your friends. Facebook it, tweet it, pin it, share the love. Xxo.


read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Harmony Seeker
     7/30/2014 3:55:27 PM
    I'm going through something with my crush and my mind is speaking louder than my heart. I no longer know what to do. I've been told by one amazing person on here that my guy really cares for me and likes me a lot. My heart believes that too, but I haven't talked to him in almost a month now. I don't know if he's moved on, in his cave or what. I really like him. he told me he has not liked someone so fast before and has not felt so appreciated in his life before. I just.... I don't know what to think. He told me before he disappeared that he started a new job and he was spending time with his family he doesn't get to see a lot. Does the happy updates help when he's in his cave? (if he's in his cave that is) and will he take credit for it knowing that im happy?... We talked for a week and a half or so and we talked for hours upon hours. After one day when he was over with his parents, he told me that he was so sorry that he couldn't message me as often. The day after he told me that he didn't think he could jump into dating so fast. He told me that he wants to take slower and see if we can become friends and see where it goes from there. He then told me that he still does like me, he just doesn't want to rush into anything. (he knows i have been hurt in the past by rushing into things and he has been hurt from past relationships as well) I told him that I agreed that it was going really fast and that i agreed to slow down. I then told him, as long as it wasn't something that would make him walk out of my life, he said no, he just needs some time because he really doesn't want to rush into anything. I told him that I agreed, and he said that he was glad I did. I haven't heard anything from him for about a month now and I'm sttarting to think he has moved on. I sent him one happy update, still no responce. I don't know what to do. Should I continue keeping myself busy? Did he m...
  • Over thinker
     6/22/2014 10:38:03 AM
    needs time to be alone to think ..a break. I call him and he said he called the old friend for his key and he is just stressed with the dui..his job..jail..and his bills..he needed to focus on what would happen at court the coming week. I totally get it.. he said he needed a couple days alone time. I told him I loved him and he said ok. I asked if he loved me and he said he didn't know. I hung up and said be safe. I text him a number of times just to reiterate that's she started more drama..that I care and I was sorry for channeling my stress as I did. Again..selfish. my question is..I know his stress is valid and his concern should be the dui. But drama was added and not needed. I trust and love him..he always said as long as as I come home to him..but if he is gone .. hr must be thinking who will I go with. ??sadly I haven't even thought about what he may have been feeling until mow. His best friend mentioned he knew my bf was thinking there is no way I would wait. It shouldn't be a concern. I will support him with all this and I did send a last text letting him know I loved him and was was sorry for my way of dealing with stress..ans respect he needs space. My question ..is it to late? Would he have just ended it? I know he is scared he will serve time and he has to get all his ducks in a row.. .. do I just stand back and wait. I too have to get back on track. I have not had drinks in a week as I said I did not want? to jeopardize us. I am back at the gym and trying to be focused. I haven't talked to him for almost two days..is there still hope...
  • Over thinker
     6/22/2014 10:22:38 AM
    It bothered him but he let it go. Had a great weekend together no more mention of the drama. But the next night we meet at our hangout and his friend comes.. we start to get smashed and I end up leaving his side and start talking to some random that looked depressed. Carried the conversation outside and my bf came out..walked out and walked away..I called him back and hugged him and he mentioned not wanting to interrupt ..I assured him he wasn't but I should have gone on. Later he was playing pool with a girl I spoke with earlier ..I walked up to give a kiss and he asked I why I was pissed..I wasn't..and let him know. Anyways it was time to go and his friend was toast..he was telling him to get up and walk but he was unresponsive ..I asked fir help to get him IP and he was basically saying screw him. I get mad and asked how he could be that way..just go inside and play pool with the bitch. Others were outside. We started walking home and his friends arm was around me and on my chest..not good. We got home and went to bed...had sex and after I started crying ..stress I guess. I would not say what was wrong sadly I was drunk as well. So the next day was bad and when I saw him he let me know it. I was going yo leave after he said he needed to think. But he told me to stay..the next few days where rough but he still text and love you's but I didn't see him for a day it two. He called me to his house around 9 to cuddle and he crashed out. All good ..then he finds out that his ex was there with the old drama starter the night I made accusations. He asked me again what was said and I said nothing can we move forward his response..sure. looking back I said why dies it matter..who cares? Totally disregarded the fact that he cared and was valid fir it. I just wanted to put it past ..I didn't believe it..but that's not the point I let him know his feelings didn't matter and with all my actions recently. So I get a text he needs time to be
  • Over thinker
     6/22/2014 9:41:41 AM
    Lauren.. I have been dating a younger guy for two months.. mentally we are on the same page. We fell hard..mutually,practically love at first sight. I kept pushing it away for fear of losing it or not being real. He says amazing things and I have been told its out if character for him to be so sprung. So of course I started to sabotage ..and told him I was. He is not a jealous person but I started flirting when we drank..over the top. I noticed comments he would make about wherever we go everyone is hitting on me. But I always made a point to show I was with him. He said as long as I go home with him. Okay ..he drinks daily...he got his 3rd dui the night we met and will be going away to do time. This has really bothered me..thinking about not having him, so of course I have tested and pushed to the limit so I can "prove" I would be hurt eventually. I recently was laid off and decided yo go get drunk..not smart since I hold in all my stress. soooo he was working by his buddy's and decided to stay at his house. Once my alcohol kicked in along with running into a old friend of his that had left on bad terms..she began to stir the pot ..major drama girl. Anyway I play it off ..kinda but then I blew him up with accusations ..bad. I trust him..and he was where he said he was and he forgave me. But wanted to know who was talking about him..fair enough. I just said I wanted to move forward and no more drama of course...
  • nichole johnson
     4/4/2014 8:52:13 PM
    Lauren: my guy and I have been dating for 3 years and at first he tried being romantic but now I don't see or hear from him for long periods of time and when I ask him about it all he says is that he is so busy with work and helping someone and I can understand but cant he take 5 minutes to call me or something I mean he didn't come on valentines day to spend time instead he didn't call or txt or see me until it was the 1st of the next month and nothing I say seems to matter what do I do from Nichole Johnson...
  • Lauren Gray
     3/31/2014 10:35:30 AM
    Ladybug, Happy to work one-on-one with you. Here is the link to my coaching page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm.
  • ladybug
     3/31/2014 1:24:43 AM
    Hi Lauren, thank you kindly for reading my comment and saying your thoughts. I appreciate it much and is quite kind of you as well to leave me the link. I watched it thank you. It was nice of you to say good riddance too if that is all he wanted and i agree!!! I feel i may contact you further with a small coaching fee as i feel i did not explain my situation as good as it could of been. Due to the fact that this is the comment section so i am trying to figure out a payment option for a deeper and more detailed communication on my situation. I am quite stressed and need a little guidance. Hopefully talk soon bye....
  • Lauren Gray
     3/28/2014 3:37:20 PM
    Ladybug, he dumped you. And don't feel bad for a minute that you said no to his request for racy photos. If that's all he was interested in, then good riddance! Check out this blog for a helpful perspective so that you don't take his rejection too personally: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/stumped-at-being-dumped-the-real-reason-youre-single
  • ladybug
     3/28/2014 2:16:13 AM
    hi Lauren, how do you know if the man dumped you or needs space when he suddenly withdrawls. Simple easy question: I was talking to a guy online for a month and it went very well. The only thing is that he wanted perhaps more intimate pictures than i was willing to give. But he was quite pleased with the regular ones i gave. He said good morning to me and i replied happily the next day and he just blocked me! i could not even send a message! what happened! dumped or space? Everything before that was great! Could he be mad because i was not online daily or didnt send more intimate pictures?? Was i too hard to get! I went online 2-3 times a week. everything was so well! i did however have another account and sent a simple and friendly message saying i didnt understand his blocking me and that i am sorry if i did something and that i like to talk to him. no blaming or arguing. He didnt reply (but saw it). 5 days later i said i think that i am being difficult and am not talking online enough. And that i miss him. He blocked me again. So now i will definatly not go to another account to send another message. But is this a space issue or a dumping issue! it may have been wrong to invade his space by sending a message but it felt like it may not have been a space/rubber band issue so i decided to give a brief friendly message. what do you think? Mistake to send messages and dumped or space and will come back....
  • kheartsu
     3/18/2014 10:57:02 PM
    Hi lauren, I'm on the same boat with most of these girls regarding guys pulling away. There's this guy I met on valentines day in downtown. At a hookah lounge. I was immediately attracted to him but there were already a lot of girls all up on him so i didnt want to give it a try. Later on i decided to and i told him he was cute. He just said thank you and thats it. Later that night when my friend and i were leaving, he talked to us and asked us to stay and hang out. So we did. Before i left he asked for my number. Didn't want to give it at first but i gave in. He told me to text him when i get home and i did. I expected him to be that guy whos just like the typical one. I expected him to be a player. Yes i judged him and that was wrong. Anyway we were texting all the time and had great conversations. We went out on our first date and it was amazing. We ended up hanging out all the time and his family knows about me. Met them through facetime cause they're all from michigan and hes out here in cali for the military. Ever since we met, hes been hanging out with me even on weekdays and always on the weekends. Lately things started to change and he doesnt really say anything sweet anymore. He doesnt initiate to hang out with me. Last weekend i let him hang with his boys and they went to parties. I of course let him go. I hung out with him at the beach with his friends that weekend. And we also had a talk because i was getting worried of whats going on. Cause hes so distant. He said hes pulling away when he gets close to someone. He doesnt know why but he does. And then he said hes scared of commitments. He also said he has trust issues. I asked him if he wants to end what we have or keep going. He said he wants to keep going. But idk after that talk, nothing has changed. Hes still distant. He barely texts me now. He doesnt say i miss you back. Im not sure if he met someone else or its just he really got scared of his feelings. I dont know what to.
  • Lauren Gray
     3/18/2014 9:01:47 PM
    kheartsu, I'm happy to work one-on-one with you on this. Here is the link to my work with me page: http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm :-)
  • kheartsu
     3/18/2014 8:42:27 PM
    Hi lauren, I'm on the same boat with most of these girls regarding guys pulling away. There's this guy I met on valentines day in downtown. At a hookah lounge. I was immediately attracted to him but there were already a lot of girls all up on him so i didnt want to give it a try. Later on i decided to and i told him he was cute. He just said thank you and thats it. Later that night when my friend and i were leaving, he talked to us and asked us to stay and hang out. So we did. Before i left he asked for my number. Didn't want to give it at first but i gave in. He told me to text him when i get home and i did. I expected him to be that guy whos just like the typical one. I expected him to be a player. Yes i judged him and that was wrong. Anyway we were texting all the time and had great conversations. We went out on our first date and it was amazing. We ended up hanging out all the time and his family knows about me. Met them through facetime cause they're all from michigan and hes out here in cali for the military. Ever since we met, hes been hanging out with me even on weekdays and always on the weekends. Lately things started to change and he doesnt really say anything sweet anymore. He doesnt initiate to hang out with me. Last weekend i let him hang with his boys and they went to parties. I of course let him go. I hung out with him at the beach with his friends that weekend. And we also had a talk because i was getting worried of whats going on. Cause hes so distant. He said hes pulling away when he gets close to someone. He doesnt know why but he does. And then he said hes scared of commitments. He also said he has trust issues. I asked him if he wants to end what we have or keep going. He said he wants to keep going. But idk after that talk, nothing has changed. Hes still distant. He barely texts me now. He doesnt say i miss you back. Im not sure if he met someone else or its just he really got scared of his feelings. I dont know what to.
  • kheartsu
     3/18/2014 8:41:26 PM
    Hi lauren, I'm on the same boat with most of these girls regarding guys pulling away. There's this guy I met on valentines day in downtown. At a hookah lounge. I was immediately attracted to him but there were already a lot of girls all up on him so i didnt want to give it a try. Later on i decided to and i told him he was cute. He just said thank you and thats it. Later that night when my friend and i were leaving, he talked to us and asked us to stay and hang out. So we did. Before i left he asked for my number. Didn't want to give it at first but i gave in. He told me to text him when i get home and i did. I expected him to be that guy whos just like the typical one. I expected him to be a player. Yes i judged him and that was wrong. Anyway we were texting all the time and had great conversations. We went out on our first date and it was amazing. We ended up hanging out all the time and his family knows about me. Met them through facetime cause they're all from michigan and hes out here in cali for the military. Ever since we met, hes been hanging out with me even on weekdays and always on the weekends. Lately things started to change and he doesnt really say anything sweet anymore. He doesnt initiate to hang out with me. Last weekend i let him hang with his boys and they went to parties. I of course let him go. I hung out with him at the beach with his friends that weekend. And we also had a talk because i was getting worried of whats going on. Cause hes so distant. He said hes pulling away when he gets close to someone. He doesnt know why but he does. And then he said hes scared of commitments. He also said he has trust issues. I asked him if he wants to end what we have or keep going. He said he wants to keep going. But idk after that talk, nothing has changed. Hes still distant. He barely texts me now. He doesnt say i miss you back. Im not sure if he met someone else or its just he really got scared of his feelings. I dont know what to.
  • kheartsu
     3/18/2014 8:04:31 PM
    Hi lauren, I'm on the same boat with most of these girls regarding guys pulling away. There's this guy I met on valentines day in downtown. At a hookah lounge. I was immediately attracted to him but there were already a lot of girls all up on him so i didnt want to give it a try. Later on i decided to and i told him he was cute. He just said thank you and thats it. Later that night when my friend and i were leaving, he talked to us and asked us to stay and hang out. So we did. Before i left he asked for my number. Didn't want to give it at first but i gave in. He told me to text him when i get home and i did. I expected him to be that guy whos just like the typical one. I expected him to be a player. Yes i judged him and that was wrong. Anyway we were texting all the time and had great conversations. We went out on our first date and it was amazing. We ended up hanging out all the time and his family knows about me. Met them through facetime cause they're all from michigan and hes out here in cali for the military. Ever since we met, hes been hanging out with me even on weekdays and always on the weekends. Lately things started to change and he doesnt really say anything sweet anymore. He doesnt initiate to hang out with me. Last weekend i let him hang with his boys and they went to parties. I of course let him go. I hung out with him at the beach with his friends that weekend. And we also had a talk because i was getting worried of whats going on. Cause hes so distant. He said hes pulling away when he gets close to someone. He doesnt know why but he does. And then he said hes scared of commitments. He also said he has trust issues. I asked him if he wants to end what we have or keep going. He said he wants to keep going. But idk after that talk, nothing has changed. Hes still distant. He barely texts me now. He doesnt say i miss you back. Im not sure if he met someone else or its just he really got scared of his feelings. I dont know what to.
  • Lauren Gray
     3/7/2014 1:10:10 PM
    Lady_Bella, You have every right to your space and alone time. Learn more about that need and what you can say to your man here:http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/my-girl-has-pulled-away-what-does-this-mean. In terms of you growing addicted to his attention, this is so common and some much needed "me time" will help you find that balance. :-) Take my survey on "me time" if you'd like to learn more: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/how-to-get-more-me-time
  • Lady_Bella
     3/1/2014 11:06:57 PM
    Hi Lauren, Thanks for the awesome advice. I am currently in this situation and in spite of telling myself that it has nothing to do with me, I am worried sick. My guy and I have been together for three months,during which things have been awesome. We've spent loads of time of time together, and we call each other everyday. Over the last few days, something has changed. He's stopped calling me sweetheart and doesn't call. I suggested we could do something romantic together and he actually told me that while that would be nice, he doesn't want us to move too fast. To be honest, that hurt my feelings and I felt a little rejected, because I was only trying to show I care. This has led me to realise how much I've grown addicted to his attention. I think I need to give him his space but I also need time of my own to find my bearings. How do I do that, without sounding cold/upset/mad about his reaction? ...
  • Lauren Gray
     2/24/2014 1:42:37 PM
    Hi Summerclara1987, Thanks for your question. The blog comments area is a place to ask quick questions on the blog. If you have a more in depth question, I can help you through my Email Advice Package. Copy this link into your browser or simply scroll over "Lauren Gray" on the navigation bar and click on "Coaching:" http://www.marsvenus.com/lauren-gray-work-with-me.htm
  • summerclara1987
     2/24/2014 9:00:38 AM
    (didnt know it was going to cut off what i wrote) ..waiting around for me" i am going to be 27 in july and he just turned 25 in december. I cant remember what all i wrote in my original message since it cut the message off but i do not know where to go from here. I know i should surround myself with friends and family and keep myself busy. i have many hobbies (drawing, singing, sewing, dancing) so i do have things to keep me busy. when someone needs time generally how much time is enough? he still wants to be around and he offered to make sure any and all bills we currently owe are paid off and he also said he will still help work on the house thatwe recently got and are renovating. But that is one hard thing for me. i am in the house we have remodled to make exactly how we wanted it. so in a way no matter his choice i will be surrounded by "us" and our memories and whatnot. any advice? thank you for your time Summer D....
  • summerclara1987
     2/24/2014 8:50:40 AM
    Hi Lauren, My boyfriend of 3 years (friend of 10 years), recently told me he needed time alone to think about where he is in life right now and where he wants to be in life. He is currently in the process of moving out to take that time. i will admit that i was veryupset and asked him questions...some of them he could not give me answers to. He said he wanted to break up because he was unhappy with himself, and that he wasnt sure if he was also unhappy with us in our relationship or if it is only not being happy with himself, therefore wanting time alone to figure it all out. he did say he loves me and he knows that making this move will hurt us both very much but he feels it is something he really needs to do. I told him "i understand if you need to go and it is okay, i will not be okay, but it is okay". He said in a way he felt like our relationship was going backwards and not forward. we do not get to see eachother much due to our jobs, he is working two jobs (by choice) so he only has time for himself and us on friday afternoons, all of saturday and sunday afternoons (works all day the other days and has 1 hr between jobs). Should i be worried when he says that he wants us to start over. His exact words were "i feel like we both came out of bad relationships and i loved the thought of you and you loved the thought of me because for as long as we have know eachother we have always had those feelings towards one another, and while it is clear that we do love one another i feel we missed all the small things along the way. all the quirks of a realtionship and the getting to know you little fun facts and things. I want us to restart. Restart our friendship and work our way back up. and see where thats takes us. Im not saying we will for a fact be together because i do not know exactly where i want to be as of right now, and i do not want to give you false hope nor do i want to see you move on but i also do not want to see you waiting around for ...
  • Lauren Gray
     1/21/2014 4:45:23 PM
    Nancy65, Continue to give him space. If you want to reach out you can shoot him an email with an apology that you're sorry you pushed him before and that you're ready to reconnect when he is. No pressure. Also let him know something fun you'll be doing for yourself in the mean time like: I've got plans this weekend to hike this new trail. Should be fun. When you give a man the message that he's not in trouble for taking cave time and that you're enjoying yourself with or without him, he's more motivated to come out of his cave and reconnect. A happy, self-assured woman is like dangling a treat in front of his face. Let me know how this works for you. :-)...
  • nancy65
     1/21/2014 2:05:18 PM
    Hi Lauren! My boyfriend was puling away, he said he's not sure of what he wants... I made it worst because I was afraid. I wanted to fix it right away and didn't give him space. I'm more calm now and think that even though I don't understand it, I should be supportive and give him some space and time. however, how much time should I give him? it has been a week already and I am going crazy. Also, I know that the ideal situation is for him to reach for me. But if he doesn't, can I reach out for him? what should I do? ...
  • Lauren Gray
     12/1/2013 4:58:31 PM
    Rose26, Relationships are all about compromise: the kind where both partners win. If you have a pet peeve about him canceling last minute then let him know and ask him that if he needs to cancel, it's no big deal but you would like 24 hour notice so that you can make other plans. This way he knows your boundary and has a clear way to make you happy. Just make sure you let him know how much you'd appreciate it that he makes this effort. This is a bit of a training process and if you'd like further direction I can help you with my email advice package: http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf...
  • Rose26
     11/26/2013 7:51:21 PM
    I'm going through something similar. I understand his need to be in his cave, but is it really ok for him to cancels plans at the last minute and expect me to be ok with that? It's especially frustrating when we have such little time together, and he doesn't even give me enough notice to make other plans. Where's the compromise???
  • Lauren Gray
     11/3/2013 7:46:38 PM
    Hi Jessica, great question! I think this blog post is really going to help clarify things for you. Check it out: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/how-to-avoid-the-lets-just-be-friends-axe
  • jessica
     11/3/2013 2:37:03 PM
    Hi Lauren..ive been dating a guy happily for about 8 mos..I noticed him becoming a little. more distant about a month ago. He stopped calling as much. He apologized for being neglectful and explained that he has a lot going on with his businesses and hes very stressed and overwhelmed.. we haven't stopped seeing each other its just not as much. I feel like im the one initiating calls and dates. He always answers my texts and calls I feel like hes spending a little more time with friends lately. Hes still opening up about personal stuff hes going through. Finally after weeks of his up and down I did confront him about it. He said it has nothing to do with me, that said im great but he just needs to get everything in order so he can spend more time with me, hes just stressed with money etc. I told him ill be supportive with anything he needs. he says he doesn't want to call me and bring me down with his stress...im just confused I don't know which way to go..if hes just trying to "fade" me out??? when men become so stressed can they pull away like this and still see friends more then partner? im just feeling confused and I don't know if its just me over reacting....please help...
  • Lauren Gray
     10/11/2013 3:15:42 PM
    Hi Bianca, This is a biggie and I have questions for you too. The best way for me to help you is through my email advice package. You can check it out here (just copy and paste the link into your browser): http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. If it sounds good to you, I look forward to working with you on this. Happy to help. :-)
  • bianca
     10/10/2013 12:33:36 AM
    Dear Lauren, I am in a similar situation and I need some advice. I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost 6 months. When we started dating, I told him what I wanted and expected. I wanted a relationship. I told him that we could see each other but I am not willing to move forward with anyone who is not serious. We went on a few dates and 3 weeks later, he told me he wanted to be in a relationship with me. BTW, We had known each other for 2 months before dating. Things have been wonderful. I have my insecurities so they would come up but he would always reassure me. I fell in love with him, I am in love with him because he showed me so many times that he is/was a good man. I came back after a 3 week trip. I had a nice weekend but since then (almost 2 weeks), I have seen him only once and he went on two trips for 2 weekends. He says that he is busy with work and school. I understand that completely as I am a graduate student myself. However, he refuses all the plans I am trying to make. Tonight, I told him that I feel he is vanishing and we replied that he did not want to talk about that. We were supposed to see each other tomorrow, now he says that he will try to make it. He does not want to make plan for next weekend and he will be gone for 5 days this week. Am I feeling that he wants to break up because I was away for so long so I did not get a chance to adapt to his work pattern? Is he willy trying to break up and does not want to tell me and acts cowardly (the busy card has been out too many times and not wanting to see me over the weekend is scary)....
  • Lauren Gray
     9/21/2013 1:59:16 PM
    Hi Lulu, You get your needs met by taking care of yourself (#3) while he's taking care of himself. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about him pulling away meaning he's no longer interested in you. I think you should acknowledge him and thank him for letting you know he needed time through a text message, he gave exactly what you asked for! There are better ways to get what you want in this situation and I'm happy to help you find them through my Email Advice Package. You can learn more about it here: http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. Hope that helped!...
  • Lulu
     9/21/2013 6:29:35 AM
    Hi Lauren, I hope you can give me some advice. My bf and I broke up this past july and he recently begged me to get back together. I tried to be up front about what i want in the relationship, one of the things being that I want to be with someone that can have consistent communication. We have been together for a few weeks. We spent last weekend together and he was telling me how happy being with me makes him feel. On monday, i texted him a little anecdote about my day which got absolutely no response. Tuesday, I gave him one phone call. He texted that he missed my phone call and now he is tired and going to bed. His actions/inactions impacts me and my emotional roller coaster. I did text him telling him that being responsive in a timely manner is something that he hasnt done in the past and it is something that is common courtesy to do. I also said that i would like to respect your privacy and boundary but sometimes i dont know when and where it is, help me understand because i want both our needs to be met. I didnt hear from him until the next day saying "sorry ive ben not communicative. After this weekend, i have alot to think about and i need time and space". Via text. He left me wondering why? I cant believe he is putting me into this emotional roller coaster again. I just have a hard time not having an emotional impact from his actions and it makes me feel so dependent. How do i work through it and still have my needs met? My gut feeling is telling me that he changed his mind about getting back together but he doesnt yet know how to bring it up with me since he opened this can of worms in the first place...
  • Lauren Gray
     9/9/2013 10:51:27 AM
    Hi Blossom, I can see how this is confusing and I'm happy to give you advice on this matter. The best way for me to help you is through my Email Advice Package. You can learn more about it here: http://images.brandretailers.com/marsvenus/assets/users/71559/files/files/ask-lauren-email-advice-descrip.pdf. with love, Lauren.
  • Blossom
     9/8/2013 2:30:46 PM
    Update: I emailed my man to see if he was going to be traveling over the next two weeks, not expecting a response. He actually did respond back but just said "yeah, I'll be traveling the next two weeks". It seemed so cold. He didn't ask how I was or even say "hi". I responded back and told him thank you for responding, that I appreciated him, that I would continue to give him space and be there for him supporting him from afar until he told me not too. I would like some advice on how I approach the subject of asking him if he wants me to continue to wait for him? It hurts me when he doesn't make any effort to contact me or just ignores me. I've asked in the past if we are broken up and thats when he told me he needed time. He didn't specifically give me an answer so I don't know what to think....
  • Blossom
     9/8/2013 8:22:20 AM
    Hi Lauren: Thanks for the response. I'm feeling like I'm in limbo right now. He is under so much stress that when I contacted him this last time it felt like he was angry with me, over email, so now I'm scared to even contact him because I'm afraid I'll upset him. He is getting ready to leave again for two weeks for business and I have no plans to contact him but don't know what I should do at this point. I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster and he won't tell me what he wants. I don't want to push him so much that he feels like he should break up with me but I don't want to wait and have him not want me after all. Do I leave him completely alone to figure everything out and give him the time he is asking for? If a man asks for time should I assume that we are broken up? Should I move on? He hasn't tried to contact me at all and I'm wondering if he ever will. What should I do? I don't even understand how we got to this point....
  • Lauren Gray
     9/7/2013 5:50:34 PM
    Hi Blossom, Your email got cut off because of the word limit on comments but from what I read, you're doing a GREAT job! This guy seems like he's in a pretty intense situation and I would just recommend that you check in and make sure you're not sacrificing TOO much for him. He's not in a place to give to anyone and you need to decide if that's the relationship you want to be in. Good luck!
  • Blossom
     9/7/2013 11:36:43 AM
    Hi Lauren... I have been seeing a man for the past 4 months. It has been a whirlwind romance and we have already professed our love for one another. He has an extremely stressful job, going through a difficult divorce, has four daughters that are a handful, and I think is dealing with anxiety and depression on top of all of this. About 3 weeks ago we had a small miscommunication, over text, before he was about to leave on a dangerous work trip. I did the usual woman thing and tried to smooth everything over before he left. He didn't respond to anything I had sent him and even left on this trip without saying a word. I gave him the week after he got back to get himself acclimated and still did not hear a word from him. I finally emailed him at the two week mark and asked if we had broken up or if he was still mad at me and was ignoring me because of this? I asked him if he wanted to throw away all of our chemistry and compatibility because of a minor argument. He responded FINALLY and told me that he needed time, that with me, his soon to be ex, his girls, his father recently having a stroke, and some issues at work that he felt like he was in a pressure cooker! I truly believe he responded finally because he does truly care and wanted to reassure me in some way. I responded and told him I understood and that I would give him as much time and space as he needed and would be there to love and support him in whatever he needed. I asked him in a separate email if I could check in with him from time to time and he responded "this is exactly what I'm talking about"..... I don't really know what this means. So, I've left him alone. That was last weekend. I believe he is under an extreme amount of stress and cant deal with my needs in addition to everything else he has going on. I think he is in his "cave". He didn't specifically say we were broken up so I'm assuming we are still a couple jus...
  • Lauren Gray
     8/12/2013 3:50:55 PM
    Naty6, great job! There's nothing to feel guilty about. You are being an incredibly loving and supportive partner by respecting his cave time and treating it like its "no big deal." You are not chasing him into his cave. A man always needs to balance intimacy with autonomy. You give him the opportunity to experience love and intimacy in the first place! What a wonderful gift you share together. If you'd like more information on YOUR girl cave check out this blog post: http://www.marsvenus.com/blog/lauren-gray/my-girl-has-pulled-away-what-does-this-mean. ...
  • naty6
     8/12/2013 12:11:14 PM
    Dear Lauren! Thank you for your site! That's a huge help and support! I have been dating the guy just about 4 months. The problem is that he is living in another city and we don't date so often. Everything seems to be fine but my biggest problem is getting used to that cave time! Even when he is leaving to his city he can be silent for a week) Or so. Once he said "I just need time for myself" and my reply was: "Ok I respect your wish, see you later"... Sometimes I just contact him first when I have something to share or to tell some news of my life and share impressions. Than he also starts to share his news with me. And even telling about his feelings, that he is missing and happy to hear etc. Recently I have read in one of John Gray books that it could be a problem for a guy to give a call first, because he needs a reason! Not "just to talk" like women usually do. Then I started to talk first, about neutral news, not about relashionships, without asking "Why haven't you call?... Do you miss me?" Honestly I would like to talk about that but I stay calm. At the same time sometimes I understand that I also need some kind of "my cave", time for myself, my friends, my dance, my meditation... Am I right? Sometimes I feel guilty that I am chasing him in his cave)...
  • Lauren Gray
     3/5/2013 12:49:04 PM
    Totally! When your partner takes space it can feel scary at first. But once you experience the pattern of them pulling away and then coming back to you, you are able to slowly build trust that they will always come back to you. Respecting your partner's need for space is a sign of your love for them and your trust in the relationship. Give it time, we need to train our subconscious to trust not worry and that only happens with experience.
  • carjoh85
     3/4/2013 12:11:09 PM
    Hi Lauren, my guy and I have been dating for 2 months, and i have noticed that when he "wants to pull away or have some time to himself" he will sorta tell me he is not sure if we can make plans for the dy or that he has some things to do, so i will know that he just wants the day for himself or to be with his roomate and catch up on his things... but i didnt realize this aftr one time, that i didnt hear from him and i freaked out, and i told him that i was worried, but now reading your post I can understand why he would think i was "overracting". but after the fact we talked and I told him that i was concerned i didnt mean to distub him , and i told him that i understand he needed some space and what not. and that sometimes one or the other wil have things to do.. but i tell him that at least i like for both of us to let eachtoehr know we are ok....but i guess is something you start learning from yout partner....


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