The 3-part inevitable decline of a relationship without me-time

Lauren Gray

I love spending time with you
…just not ALL the time.

Somewhere along the way, we were taught that, “love means never letting go.”
This is a beautiful sentiment when you’re talking about sticking together as a couple through ups and downs.
This becomes a very detrimental sentiment when we take it as literally never letting our partner’s go and being together all the time.
Being together all the time isn’t love. It’s an addiction. This dependence on “we-time” will inevitably rot your relationship from the inside out.
Consider this blog, your complimentary relationship rehab.
Relationship Rehab: The cold hard truth
*we need more blankets!*
When you spend all your time in “we-time,” neglecting your need for “me-time,” one (or all) of three things will happen:
1. You will lose attraction to your partner.
When we spend too much time together, we can start to feel allergic to our partner. We don’t really want to have lingering eye contact or be especially touchy feely; we’re just not available for that kind of intimacy.
If you don’t understand that this is a natural reaction to spending too much time together, it can feel as though you’re (temporarily) no longer attracted to your partner.
In reality, this has nothing to do with your partner becoming “less attractive;” it has everything to do with your need for me-time.
Because most people panic when they feel this way, they talk themselves out of pulling away (since it’s not “ the loving thing to do”) and they suppress their need for me-time. This just means that it will manifest itself in a much more dramatic and catastrophic way later on, as in they’ll actually lose attraction for their partner.
2. You will start to bicker about stupid things.
You know the whole, “let’s just agree to disagree” thing?
Well, that’s a lot easier when you have a strong sense of self and you recognize that you have no control over another person’s point of view. You also have a certain level of healthy detachment that keeps the peace.
This “agree to disagree” perspective becomes a lot less available to us when our sense of self starts to blend with our partner’s sense of self.
When we spend too much time together, that healthy detachment, that allows you to have different ways of doing things, goes away.
The lines of individuality are blurred and we become way too invested in that person doing things our way.
“Agree to disagree” becomes “my way or the highway.”
…And you wind up bickering about things that would have never been an issue had you both been taking enough me-time to nurture and strengthen your sense of self.
3. You will feel taken for granted, unloved and unappreciated.
Romance, communication, and intimacy feel so good that we come to depend on these things for an easy happiness fix.
The danger lies in becoming overly dependent on your partner to make you happy. If you’re not doing the work to make yourself happy then you lean too heavily on your partner to meet your happiness fix. This is a gravy train up until your partner “drops the ball.”
Without me-time to connect with our own ability to make ourselves happy, we become too dependent on our partners for our happiness.
If this is the case:
·      Its normal, when your partner has a night out with their friends, to feel abandoned and unloved.

·      Its normal, when your partner has a bad day at work and comes home cranky, to take it personally and feel mistreated.

·      It’s normal, when your partner spaces out and forgets something, to feel unappreciated and under-valued.

If this is the case, there’s no room for your partner to not support you exactly the way you need to be supported. There’s no room for your partner to be human. You’ve set them up for failure and you’ve set yourself up for misery and disappointment.
However, space is a two way street. If you take space from the relationship, it breathes space back into it. You and your partner can make mistakes, be wonderfully human AND be happy together.
Why me-time can save your we-time!
When you take me-time you can re-ignite your passion and attraction, nurture your own sense of self, and replenish your bank of happiness. These core strengths support true and lasting love.
You’re togetherness will feel even sweeter because you’re not there because you’re obligated, you’re not there because it’s “comfortable,” you’re not there because you need your next fix; you’re together because you choose to be.
And to choose and be chosen deliberately every day is the most romantic thing in the whole wide world.

With love,


read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Samus
     5/21/2016 8:49:18 PM
    I wonder if this also happens in long-distance relationships too? For example, my (now ex) bf and I would talk every day, sometimes nearly non-stop throughout the day because we lived a good 9 hr drive away from one-another. On one hand, we almost never spent any real in-person time together, but on the other, we were in touch alllll the time. I'm curious because I gradually became exhausted, bored, and was filled with anxiety that we were "wrong" for one-another... but now I'm wondering if this plain fact could actually be the reason for these feelings. I honestly can't tell....
  • DianaMe
     2/7/2016 1:02:33 AM
    I mean how can I distinguish between healthy detachment or already having a cold distance? Thank you.
  • DianaMe
     2/7/2016 12:46:45 AM
    Hi Lauren First of all, thank you for your sharing and advice. When will I know if I'm too needy and not having enough me-time or my boyfriend and I do not really have much time we-time together? In the past, we used to spend almost every weekends dating, but recently we date at most once a month and see each other briefly only once a week. My boyfriend always have a funny excuse of not seeing me like I'm too sleepy to go out. Thank you. Diana

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