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The most common mistakes women make when trying to get a guy to commit

Lauren Gray

Dear Lauren,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He tells me he loves me like he’s never loved any girl, but he just can’t commit and he doesn’t know why. It’s so confusing…for both of us!

I’m very clingy, a bit insecure too, and sometimes I check his phone or try to mother him, but he says that’s not the problem. That the problem is him, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get over it. I tried ultimatums but they don’t work. I love this man and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I accused him of wanting to keep me around because of sex, and he suggested we stop having sex to prove to me that that isn’t what he wants. What’s going on?

-Erika


Hi Erika,

Let’s talk about:


How NOT to get a guy to commit to you:

Lady, you’ve got to cool it with the tests and the ultimatums.  This is out of control. In your question alone I counted 6 major red flags! 

-Clingy
-Insecure
-Jealous
-Mothering
-Manipulative
-Accusing

He might say you’re not the problem and he may be blind to that fact that you are because he loves you so much, but I will tell you straight that your actions are driving him away!


No matter how amazing the guy is, this behavior will push him away.


You’re doing things in the wrong order.

I’m not saying you need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love. It’s okay to make mistakes. And it’s natural for a relationship to bring you face to face with all your insecurities.

This can be an extremely healing experience where you confront and process old fears so that you can move on from them. In this way, a relationship can actually support you to step into your full potential.

Or, if left unchecked, these insecurities can suck the life and love out of a relationship. Here’s how:

When we feel insecure in a relationship, we often have thoughts like:


·      “I’m not good enough”
·      “I’m not beautiful enough”
·      “Any minute now he’s going to find out that I’m not as perfect as he thinks and he’ll leave me for someone who is.”

 
These thoughts and fears are natural.

BUT when we’re not consciously processing, self-reflecting, and learning the lessons we’re being confronted with, our subconscious minds take over.


Subconsciously, we try to sabotage the relationship by doing things we think will turn off our partners. This way we can test our partners’ love.

IF he can deal with all the snooping, mothering, accusations, ultimatums, and tantrums, then he’ll prove that he really loves you no matter what. If he continues to come back to you, you can, in theory, “trust” in his love.

IF you can trust in HIS love, then you can believe that you are “good enough” “beautiful enough” and “perfect enough” to deserve his love. This is the subconscious logic that’s driving your actions.

This is so wrong. And it doesn’t work for two reasons.


1. Eventually you throw too much at him and it suffocates the love he had for you.

If you’re working so hard to prove that he doesn’t, in fact, love you, and you aren’t, in fact, good enough, then you’ll eventually get exactly what you’re looking for.


2. It’s “solving” your problem completely out of order, which means you’ll always get a backward result.

You don’t wait for a relationship to work and prove itself to you in order for you to feel worthy of love. You need to do the work and self-exploration it takes to feel worthy of love in order to make a relationship work.

 
 

How to become more confident

It’s okay that you’re insecure right now.

The truth is you could be the strongest woman at the gym or the smartest woman in the office but where a man is concerned you’re reduced to an insecure girl.

It happens.

It happens because you know what is good form at the gym, you know “the ropes” at the office but you don’t know enough about relationships to be confident. All you have to do to overcome your insecurity is get educated! Knowledge is power and it will transform your confidence.
 

Here are two FREE resources that can get you started today!
 
1.     Updates on the best dating, communication, and relationship advice out there. Enter your name and email in the box below this post to start receiving these updates in your inbox today.
 
2.     My ebook Mars Venus Dating (for couples and singles). Grab your free copy HERE

 
Here are two book recommendations to set up you up for success:

1.     Mars and Venus On A Date. Click HERE to learn more. 

2.     Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Click HERE to learn more.  

 

And If you’d like to learn a better way to process your insecurities with your partner (script included), click here.


Why men drag their commitment feet

Your insecurity can lend you a unique insight into your man’s fear of commitment.

Men drag their commitment feet because they’re afraid to let their sweetheart down. A greater commitment means greater responsibility and a bigger chance that he’ll mess everything up and cause you pain. This fear is a powerful thing and it often causes a man to dig in his heels on the way to aisle. I cover this phenomenon in detail here.

Your man doesn’t want to cause you pain. He wants to make you happy. When you constantly “test” his love and give him ultimatums he can’t fulfill, you’re sending him the message that he can’t make you happy.


A man will not commit to a woman he feels he cannot successfully help make happy.


(Drumroll please….) How to get a guy to commit to you!

If you want to get a guy to commit to you, you have to build trust. He needs to be able to trust that he can make you happy.

All you have to do to build this trust is acknowledge him for all the little things he does for you.


Instead of setting him up for failure with ultimatums and tests, make an effort to set him up for success! Ask for what you want and then appreciate him when he delivers.

This will encourage him and show him that he CAN make you happy. Once he feels confidant in this, he will take a step toward commitment.


A Final Word on Ultimatums

I know you care for this man and don’t want to be cruel…so don’t! Relationships can easily slip into a play for power and it will eventually corrode any love that was originally there.

Before this blog, ultimatums and tests were the only tools in your toolbox for getting what you want. But now you have new tools and I encourage you to use them.


Where petty power struggles fail, love will always prevail. #relationships (Tweet that!)

Use your insecurities to lend you compassion instead of suspicion and you'll find yourself 
arm in arm with your prince charming strolling down the aisle and into a life filled with chocolate covered strawberries OR [insert your preferred happy ending here].

With love,
Lauren



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read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • ohenwaa
     10/24/2016 9:03:54 AM
    hi lauren thank U for the advice, my name is abigail from Ghana and l am the opposite of all you just spoke about ,l have been dating this wonderful guy fr almost 2 years now. l have been meaning to make him commit to me but l simply have not been getting anything right please help.
  • Lauren Gray
     8/1/2016 6:58:23 PM
    Guest_50 - appreciating him for his presence and company is great! Creating opportunities for him to DO little things for you and have it please you is even better.
  • Guest_50E1F7FA-B
     7/31/2016 10:39:35 AM
    Dear Lauren, Is it OK to tell a man that his presence is enough to make you happy or do men what to know that a specific action or advise is what is helpful?
  • Guest_50E1F7FA-B
     7/31/2016 10:29:00 AM
    Hi Lauren, Your advise in your videos and blogs is amazing. A thousand thank you's! There is an amazing man in my life who I have know for about a month and a half. This new connection is triggering all of my issues, fears and insecurities as your communications suggest will happen. This friendship presents a golden opportunity for me to grow myself and evolve beyond my old "story" with my limiting beliefs about myself and challenging my beliefs about what's possible for my life and specifically in the area of relationships. While I am trying to find my footing and dealing with all of the feelings that are coming up along with my needs that have gone unmet for so long I feel and sense that I am probably exhausting him. He would probably not say this and I want to be sensitive to his needs. I don't want to come across as being self centered and not caring about his feelings and needs. I have been in masculine mode for so long now and only now getting in touch with being in my body instead of living in my head and feeling my feelings, i.e. my feminine side. My inclination is to offer to give him a break or let him know that if he doesn't respond right away it's ok. Would I be taking care of him and therefore reverting back to "masculine" mode by doing this?...


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