We had a great date! Why won't he text me back?

Lauren Gray

Hi Lauren
I went for a coffee with a guy, he said he really liked me & hoped we could meet again. That evening we were texting & he was saying I had lovely eyes, and a lovely personality. Two days later I texted him to say, “Hey, how’s your weekend?” to no reply.
I texted him the next day to say, '”I’m not sure what has gone wrong as we liked each other & agreed to meet again. Can you let me know what the problem is?” No reply. So I took the light hearted approach a few days later and said “Just wondered if we could meet for coffee again or perhaps a spot of lunch?” Still no reply.
Why would he not just say, “I’m not interested. Stop texting me!!” I don’t understand. What happened?

Let’s do the Time Warp Again!!
It’s astounding.

Men have a different sense of time than women.
Time is fleeting.

What feels like a long time to a woman can feel like a very short time for a man. Men naturally have an out of sight, out of mind mentality. So while he’s on her mind, she’s probably not on his (yet!) Therefore it’s easy to forget about texting.
Madness takes it’s toll.

Because she doesn’t know this, she takes his silence personally. This naturally causes her to get impatient, self-conscious, even MAD! So she sends him a confrontational text.
(Okay all done with my Rocky Horror Picture Show homage. Promise ;-)

Sing a different tune (to get a different result)
When you send a text to a guy, give him a few days to respond before you think something is wrong. His pace of getting back to you may just be a little slow.
Even if you do think something is wrong, it’s not a good move to call a man out on it, especially when you’re not even in a relationship yet.
Dating is about putting your best foot forward; it's about trying on another person and seeing if they're a good fit (at their very best).

By confronting him with a hostile text (yes, to him it sounds hostile) you’re giving him the impression that you are:

·      high maintenance
·      demanding
·      clingy
·      needy
·      hard to please
And most importantly, it makes him feel like he's in trouble before he's actually had a chance to get to know you.
You might have a great singing voice, you might have legs that go on for miles, you might give the best massages, and you might make the best brownies the world has ever seen. But a man STILL won’t fall for you because ultimately...

YOU might be a great, but a man falls for the woman who makes HIM feel great.

Men like to succeed, so when you give him the impression right off the bat that he’s failed you, it doesn’t make him feel great and it significantly diminishes his attraction toward you.

So, suck up or F’ off?
Let me be clear: You do NOT need to be a perfect pushover, a suck up or a hero worshipper in order to have a man fall for you.
Men tolerate a lot, give a lot, and show remorse to the woman they’ve bonded with.

But it takes quite a few dates for a man to bond with a woman. When it's just a pretty lady he enjoyed one cup of coffee with, he’s not going to be as generous.

The first impression stage is fragile. He could like you plenty on the date and still be easily turned off by your confrontational text message. It wasn't putting your best foot forward no matter how benign your intentions were.

3 winning texts and 1 conversation killer
For future, the best way to handle a man ignoring your text is to pretend it never happened. It aint no thang. No problemo. You have no control over his life or his response. You do, however, have control over what YOU say and what texts YOU send him.

The Conversation Killer Text:
"How's your weekend?"
This is a hard one to answer for a man and will almost always garner the text equivalent of crickets or the one word response a child offers his mother when she asks “How was school today?”

(Click HERE to learn why that is and learn another way to ask this question so he’s gushing with info)

Winning Text #1: FYI
FYI: a quick update on your day, which he does not need to respond to. This establishes a connection and puts you more “in sight and in mind” without demanding a response. 
Ex: "Saw my family today. The kids were adorable and I spilled chocolate milk all over my new shirt. Of course. ;-)"

Winning Text #2: SOS
SOS: a specific question about a topic you've spoken about or a request for advice. Men love to help and give advice so he'll be more motivated to respond. 

Ex: "What's the name of the movie we were talking about? I'm setting up my Netflix queue and I don't want to miss it."

Winning Text #3: RSVP
RSVP: an invitation to hang out again. Just because you’re the woman doesn’t mean you can’t initiate a date. Men do far better in person than they do over text messages. 

Ex:"The new X-men movie comes out this weekend. I really want to see it. Want to go with me?"
Why men don’t say, “I’m not interested. Stop texting me!!”
Men don’t respond with, “I’m not interested. Stop texting me!!” because it’s easier to ignore the problem than deal with it and be the bad guy.
He wasn’t lying when he said he thought your eyes were beautiful and your personality stunning. But he’s losing interest with every text you send.
At first he could’ve meant to text you later and forgotten but when you sent the second text, he got turned off by it’s demanding nature. By the third text, he felt unsure, not knowing what your reaction would be if he saw you again. Would you yell at him? Criticize him? Put him on the spot? “You got some esplaining to do Mister!”
Ultimately, he doesn’t want to be the bad guy. There. Mystery solved.

Lasting Impressions
We all make well-intentioned mistakes while dating. Don't beat yourself up about it. The beginning of a courtship is a fragile time. It’s easy for both parties to misunderstand and overreact.
I mean, HOLY COW! We're holding auditions for who we're going to give our hearts's a big freaking deal! Stakes are high.

The first date is just about first impressions but the texting afterwards determines if it's going to go any further.

It's important to play it smart. 
With love,

read more blog posts from Lauren Gray
  • Gem
     11/25/2016 11:10:31 PM
    Hello, so I'm here because I had a situation last week I met this guy at a lounge. Me and my friend went out for a few drinks, it's been a while need to just get out unwind and have a good time. I had no intention of meeting anyone or hooking up. So as we are standing at the bar my friend mentioned to me that this guy was checking us out he then sends us a drink we say thank you. Little while later we send one back he then asks us to come over. We then start a conversation I can see that he was really into me. As a while goes by he and his friend say to us let's go to the city we look at each other and say sure why not. So we catch a cab talk the whole ride their. We get to a club in the city and its me my friend him and his friend. He ask me if I want to drink I decline and just drink water. So the music was awesome we start to dance and we were having such a good time I can trll that he was feeling the same we danced all night. All of a sudden we are kissing and it was passionate. So then the club closes we take a cab back and we are connecting so well he mentioned I can cook come over and I feed you girls. So yes I stupidly said yes. So we get there and he shows us around the place. He has lots of musical instruments and he starts to play them kinda showing off. I my girlfriend ends up walking away and starts conversation with his friend. So now I'm alone with him. We kept talking for a good hour one thing lead to another we are once again making out and it was passionate we teased each other and it almost went all the way a few times. Then finally we starting to have sex a few minutes into it I knew it was wrong so I stopped and told him I had to leave. My whole attitude changed I don't do things like this and I knew I was wrong so I felt I needed to get out of his place asap. So I quickly got dressed told my friend we had to leave. He called me a cab I walked away and he said so can I have your number? I had no intention to give mine or
  • chadia
     8/24/2016 2:40:53 AM
    hello Lauren, i need some advice please if you can help me i had a first date with an american guy last weekend, am from morocco. we spent great time together we had fun, he introduces me to his friends we hang out all together, he said that he likes me and we get along with eachother, we really connect, he said to me in our first night together that he is leaving tuesday night and i felt sad because we didnt get the chance to meet and have more time together. after that weekend, we texted the first day but after that we just stopped i sent him a text but no reply, i feel sad and depressed and dont know if i can forget about him because i really liked him so much and wanna see him again but there is a huge distance between us and i really dont know if he wanna see me again too or he just go away forever. ...
  • Yunoimcrazy
     6/27/2016 12:38:20 PM
    hey Lauren, Look im a little lost here, I had a crush on this kid in my Freshmen year of high school and in my Sophomore year I got to met him and talk to him in person then towards the end of the school year I finally told him I liked him and he told me he liked me too, but he didn't want to ask me out yet because he was going to Mexico during the summer and he couldn't contact me in any way and he told me that he would do it when he comes back. When he came back he didn't talk to me much then we just stop talking all at one (school stared in Augt. we are now Juniors) So then in Nov. He gave me a letter saying that he didn't like me anymore and I became very sad so I tried to keep my mind busy with other guys but it didn't work I couldn't forget about him I fell in love with him and I just couldn't let go of him, then in May I finally wrote him back saying how I felt and that we could still be friends and whatever and he wrote me back saying that he lied about not liking me. He told me that he fell in love with me too but he found out that he was very sick and he just wanted me to be happy, he told me that he loved me and that we should go on a date later on, a month have already passed and he hasn't talked to me since that letter what is he thinking right now? He told me that (in the letter) that he meant what he said in the letter that he loves me and that he wants to go on a date but why isn't he talking to me?... I already did email him but he wont reply and he knows that I have no phone, I use to but not anymore. We use to talk days without stoping or sleep what has happened?...
  • lumi
     2/14/2016 7:05:45 AM
    Hi Lauren, I am trying to figure out what is happening here. I met this amazing guy on New Year's at his family's home party while he was visiting from NYC. I live in MA. We spent some great time that first weekend we met, then again I drove to NYC 2 weeks ago and we had a spectacular weekend. 'exceeded his expectations' were his words. We were like kids in a candy store. Too much we wanted to do, but limited time. With that said, there were lots of plans (from him) to see each other again. We are not in a relationship. My hope is that we eventually will. We hardly talk over the phone. He has expressed he missed me (in his own way), but we hardly talk or text. I, on purpose do not call him and hardly text him. Only when there is a 'good excuse' so it's not so obvious and he texts me back. He wants visit in a couple of more weeks to go to sky trip with my best friend and family. But I am sad. This weekend is valentines and he hasn't reported at all. No call, no text no nothing. Very strange and hard for me to accept after 2 weekends ago, we had the time of our lives, lots of time together, sex, etc. As I said, he has planned all kinds of things together, even for the summer to go together to Montreal (he wants to go to the Jazz festival and he said he only wants to do that with me). Don't know what to think after not hearing from him at all during Valentine's weekend. I realize we are not in a relationship, but after exchanging so much since I've met him, I would expect him to show some affection. I haven't reached out to him and won't until he does. I really like this guy and see myself even moving to NYC and making changes in my life to be with him (not right away of course, but eventually if things progress). Need your advice please. Thank you...
  • duncantina969
     12/9/2015 11:14:46 AM
    Dear Lauren: My name is Tina I fell in love with a very kind man who I absolutely adore I've only known him almost 3 month's now on the 12 of this month ( Dec)) anyway we spent at least 30 hour's with each other we both tell one another that we love each other by texting he works 3 job's and lives 3 hours away from me! He had drove 3 hours to see me once every two weeks for the first couple of months But I haven't seen him in 4 week's & 2 days now I write him poems of my own words and email him song's of how I feel about him he has helped me on my electric bill and told me that he will take care of it every month. I feel in my heart that he loves me but everyone else is telling me that is playing me so I'm asking for your advice Do you think It's wrong being in Love with a man that doesn't see me nor calls me He just text's me? Hope to hear from you! Thank you ...
  • Pann
     11/21/2015 11:44:11 AM
    Hello, I'm not sure will get any answer but I'm new here jut want to get some idea before learn more how to ask a question. I'm a happy woman plus I love my job and very successful then not often to have something to bother me even when I broke up with a man I'm still be happy because I know it should end but just wait for a man to say. I don't want to hurt anybody. I need to tell some detail about me before can say why did I let this man keep on and off in my life for almost 4 years. When I was 24 I talk to a man who in work in Korea, we talk everyday for 2 months he always initiated the conversational and he said if he here with me he would like to have a relationship together. Then we met after his work contract finished, we spent time together for 1 night ( but as we agreed no sex ) then he met his friend, he didn't talk to me as before. I don't pay attention that much if he didn't contact me,I didn't contact him as well until the time he need to go back to for study in UK. He text me and we had sex even I know he will leave in the morning. Time for him to leave we went for breakfast and he send me home and kissed my forehead. I FELT SOMETHING SPECIAL but seem it' not because when he is study and we so far away. A few week we talk but not everyday or I need to wait an answer sometimes however he said that he would be so busy and distance relationship wouldn't work after that we didn't talk anymore. I forgot about him and live my life happily don't even noticed it time that he graduated. In early morning of Friday he text me and want to see me but I told I need to leave to work in 1 hour. He still visited me at my place. He seem to care and want sex but I don't think I want to do that after he gone for a year but when I'm don' want to do that he is okay never felt bad or force me. Since that day we started to talked again but this time I felt trust him more. I have a good feelin...
  • JackieM72
     9/16/2015 7:37:34 AM
    I really struggle with this particularly as there is so much out there that says make sure he is texting you rather than visa versa. I have felt uncomfortable with the guy I am involved with as it is usually me who texts. He responds but there is delay. He is quite busy with work etc he has said he is not a texter and is interested I suppose I should trust in what he says. Texts can be a continued form of validation which is not always a true reflection of the situation. Thoughts??
  • Nantzee
     8/22/2015 1:27:28 AM
    I have been flirting and texting with a guy for a few months.... We finally shared a kiss and then I didn't hear from him for a couple of days, so I texted him to say "you kiss a lady and then never speak to her again". He texted back to say he was just about to call me.. Then he came over and we kissed a bit more, we went for a walk with the dogs and had a great time... Now I have not heard from him for a few days... How can I get him to ask me out on an actual date?
  • Lauren Gray
     4/27/2015 12:35:42 PM
    Elizabeth123, Exactly right!!!! And thank you, I'm so glad you're enjoying the videos. :-)
  • Elisabeth123
     4/25/2015 2:12:58 PM
    Hello, dear Lauren :-) I`ve been watching all your videos with pleasure. And this one is containing valuable advice as well. I`ve had many first dates :-) And after them I ussually acted in a normal way like texting: "How are you? How was your weekend? etc." And sometimes it happend that except for some conversations nothing more :-) however the guys I met often said they really wanted to meet me again or showed their interest. So I understand that a quick update or asking for a little advice helps with letting things go further if the guy doesn`t change his mind in a meantime, right? Thank you for all your support. Warm greetings....
  • John Gray
     4/20/2015 1:14:58 PM
    Wow, what a fun and smart video. Love the improv at the end but the real juice is the great advise the most common question I hear again and again, why he doesn't call back

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