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Is it always about him?

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    Is it always about him?
    Love? at 8/18/2016 2:11:40 AM
    I notice a lot of the posts refer to making a man feel like he supported and respected but what about the woman is he not supposed to listen to her feelings and respect her needs
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    Is it always about him?
    Scorpvenus1 at 6/22/2017 2:05:54 AM
    Yea i admit that grates on me too.

    I have been single most of my life as i refuse to do that. If its equal then yes. If its always geared up so the man is treated like some sort of royalty, I dont comply.

    I personally think it was a set of rules made up by men. lol
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    Is it always about him?
    Browniegal2017 at 6/28/2017 12:53:50 AM
    100% agree with you here!
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    Is it always about him?
    Sassylassy at 7/12/2017 6:41:12 PM
    Yes absolutely I agree . After reading through this forum for the last few days I've been really shocked by the bias towards the male and the disregard towards women's feelings . It's seems like the general advice is for women to bow at the altar of men's feet , accept bad behaviour and repress their own feelings.
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    Is it always about him?
    Deandra at 7/17/2017 12:34:08 AM
    I'm a woman and I run my own carpet cleaning company while my husband runs the books and is a stay at home dad. There are smart and in charge of our life women out here!
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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 8/19/2017 5:28:28 AM
    Men and women have different primary needs.  The things you're reading are not so much about treating the man any better than the woman but about supporting his primary needs and her primary needs.

    Men primarily need trust, acceptance, admiration, approval, appreciation, and encouragement.  Women primarily need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.  When men and women have their primary needs met they are more able to meet the needs of their partner.
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    Is it always about him?
    TraditionalGirl at 9/6/2017 8:00:49 AM
    A successful relationship involves two givers.  
    I would venture to say more women are making comments on this forum so, in trying to help relationships work, a lot of mention is made of edifying men as opposed to "getting more" as a woman.  You can't pull stuff from a man; he has to give it freely.  So, in giving we end up receiving.
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 9/10/2017 11:51:10 AM
    My man is going through a lot of family issues right now and seems permanently in his cave. Ive tried to back off, leave him be, give him the space that he needs.....but what about my needs. He has declared we are in a relationship. He said last time we went out to dinner he was in love with me, and happy that we had now been "together" 2 years.....but wot about ME? Ive only seen him twice in the last 6 weeks. When I ask if we are "seeing each other" tonight, tomorrow, or whenever, he never makes any decision and I end up not seeing him when he eventually says "no" and its too late to call my friends. I am otherwise well balanced and productive, but MY love needs are not being met at all.

    I know he has a lot to deal with right now, but so do I!

    Ive tried to keep the love flowing his way.

    But Im feeling very sad at not seeing him, and starting to feel that walking away completely from this relationship is the only thing that I can do to keep my sanity.

    Help!
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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 9/10/2017 12:05:16 PM
    This is where we Venusians have our power.  You get to decide what you want in a r'ship and in a partner.  You can let your Martian know what you need and give him the time and space to deliver....if he doesn't you get to make the decision about what you'd like to do.

    I would suggest approaching your Martian this way, "M, I love you and know you love me.  I'd like to give you the space you need to work through things with your family, but I also need time together in order to stay connected. How do you think we can solve this problem so we're both getting what we need?"  Then be quiet and see what he has to say.  Another way to approach it is, "M, it would make me really happy if we could plan for some time together next week.  What do you think?"

    Martians are problem solvers, present him with the problem and give him some time to solve it.  smiley
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 9/10/2017 10:51:53 PM
    MB,

    that does sound like a plan!  Thanks!

    I admit I did have a bit of a tearful phone call last night, but when he went on defensive + self justification mode I did pull right back, stop him, and remind him that he had asked ME about my feelings, and I had only responded that I was sad at not seeing him, not asked him to justify himself.   Told him that I loved him, but that I was finding it hard not seeing him, but reminded him I was there for him.

    Your plan sounds like a very good approach to flip things around, but I think leaving some space is the only way forward right now.....

    Em x

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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 9/11/2017 4:39:56 AM
    Good for you, emma!  The trick now is to truly give him space and not sit outside the cave waiting for him to come out.  So make some plans with friends and family, go to the gym, try an elaborate recipe you haven't made before, and if you can't come up with anything else then clean out your closets and drawers.  The trick is to occupy both your body and your mind.

    Keep posting, would love to hear an update!
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 9/14/2017 12:00:42 AM
    MB,
    Well things have certainly moved on....I have kept in mind all of John's and your advice...here is how it panned out!

    His problem solving came to fruition on Tuesday and we had a phone call, when he turned his "problem solving" on me...it was like he was on speed...probably a big release of testosterone after his problem solving success. I admit I lost it! I tried to reign things in when it got out of hand, yes there were tears on my side...but my basic message that I needed to see him got through. After all the escalation I called him back, I said to avoid a long defensive email...my normal style...

    and then he completedly surprised me with a visit and a showering of gifts love and affection the next day! The gifts reflected all that I had said the day before...so I guess he is starting to listen to me!

    SO...we talked loads, he explained that he now undertsood my need to see him, whether for a date or just a catch up, that was one of the important things that I wanted from him.

    Where we go from here Im not sure, but I do know that with a better understanding of him - his need to "be the man", the problem solver, and needing his space, and his better understanding of me and my needs, that I need to be physically close to him, we have a clear path ahead. How we balance those needs will be part of the journey going forwards, and I look forward to it!

    so, feeling very happy, that this learning phase is producing results, that I feel more comfortable in my skin.

    going forwards I would like to be in a live in relationship, but know that neither of us are ready for that just yet.

    the immediate future looks bright and that's all I need right now!
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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 9/14/2017 4:27:41 AM
    That all sounds really good emma!

    Your job now is to stay receptive to what he has to offer and evaluate if it works for you moving forward.  By all means keep your head in the books!  Particularly when navigating the stages of dating it's helpful to continue to refer to mars and venus on a date and the original mars/venus book.
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 12/31/2017 2:55:35 AM
    Well ladies and gentlemen,

    Here's hoping you all have a very Happy New Year 2018.

    The ebb and flow of my current relationship, does seem to have reached a higher plain. However, I dont always "get told" that he is going into his man cave, and as that is often after a very nice weekend, its a bit difficult to cope with...and yes you guessed it, I overreact!

    Onwards and upwards, to each and everyone of you brave enough to open up to a deep and meaningful relationship, and to those of you that cannot manage it right now...dont close your heart, because there is a whole lot of love out there...you just need to be open to it!

    Happy Holidays!

    Currently in New England.....
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 3/22/2018 12:49:21 PM
    Hi people!
    Just to let you all know, that I think that it IS all about him.
    I did have a very nice time in the run up to Christmas, lots of loving and fun.
    January came and he went off the booze.
    No problem there, her was al nice and loving. but no sex.
    Lots of cuddles, lots of cosy times.
    But all on his terms.
    I go to HIS place, I fit in with his word, his plans, his needs.
    So, he is depressed. So he has elderly parents to care for.
    I have my kids, my life, my own complications.
    2 weeks ago he went back on the booze. 
    I thought it would be a return to fun times.
    OH NO...
    I had a date for which I bought tickets, but he says at the last minute...like so last minute that I am actually THERE all made up, ready and waiting.
    Oh, Im in a black hole, cannot get out.
    So what do I do, I get on with it. let him retreat to his cave.
    No sign of any plans to see me on Sunday. Long conversations on the phone.
    me being understanding.
    Monday came and went. same program. nightly call but no "hey Im sorry about letting you down"
    Tuesday he is "busy". an emergency session with his counsellor.
    I listen. So much crap to deal with. I understand. We both have.
    Then Wed I get a phone call. He says cutting accros me...arent you going to ask me about MY day? Then he told me all about how MY life was so CRAP, I needed to sort out this, do that, live there (not where I am now, and no offer of living with him after 2 years). a general lambast about my EX...like its my FAULT he was crap, which is why I left him in the first place.
    And tonight, when he phones and I expect some kind of apology, its MY fault for being stroppy and non communicative!
    Wot is going on?
    So he ends the call.
    I try to explain how I feel, that I am upset with him lecturing me, and HE ends the call!
    Absolutley charming.
    So wot am I to do?
    Why do I have to give HIM the benefit of the doubt all the time?
    And no SEX since Xmas?
    Ive been loving, supportive, compliant, responsive, gentle, understanding.
    WOT and I doing so wrong.
    Yes its a junction. Do I stay or go
    Ive kept the love flowing for so long, but Im running out of puff.

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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 3/22/2018 1:19:07 PM
    Emma, it doesn't have to be all about him.  You get to make a choice about whether what this M has to offer works for you.

    It sounds like he's not able to maintain his sobriety, which sounds like it doesn't work for him....which in turn doesn't work for you.

    While we Vs have to keep in mind an M's primary needs we also have needs that need to be met.  Just because you express your needs doesn't mean your M is going to meet them.  And just because you keep holding on, being patient, being loving, and putting your needs on the backburner doesn't mean this particular M will *ever* meet your needs.

    You are looking for someone to be an equal partner in your r'ship.  This M has shown you time and again that he cannot be that guy over the long haul.  Now you have the power to decide how you'd like to handle it.

    Your M has shown you what a r'ship with him looks like....it is not going to change.
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 3/22/2018 1:26:26 PM
    Mmm...am I just kidding myself, that all the promises really are just empty promises.
    But I know he loves me.
    And I know I love him.

    We both have so much crap to sort out in our lives that I know we are lucky to still be together.

    When its good...its fabulous.

    But when it crashes and burns for wotever reason it sucks...

    Are my expectations too high.

    Or are they too low, and Im just kidding myself, and not looking after myself enough?

    Thanks for your straight talking
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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 3/22/2018 1:43:23 PM
    Love isn't always enough.

    And a r'ship doesn't have to be so hard.

    You need to be clear about what you're looking for in a r'ship.  Once you are then you shouldn't settle for less.
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 3/23/2018 10:16:28 PM
    Yes and no. Yes we Vs have to take good care of ourselves. My therapist said what I am thinking and how I am reacting might not actually be the reality of the situation. It's a complicated one for sure. But there are so many challenges from life , that we. M AND Vs crumble and take things out on the people we are closest too. I'm still hopeful we will make it through. Thanks for the straight talking. It gives me options in my head. Things to work on. Be strong people. But be loving and open to love
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    Is it always about him?
    nuakdj at 7/10/2018 8:42:15 AM
    I also agree with you .
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 8/29/2018 8:34:16 PM
    Dear friends and lovers of life.
    Regrettably I can only conclude that it IS all about him.
    After 3 years of dating the same guy, thinks shifted about 10 months ago. Less attentive. No "sweet nothings" and our sex life dwindled into nothing.
    We had a few bumps in the road.
    He,s in therapy.
    Ive been patient and loving.
    But now i think we really have reached the end.
    He went into his cave 2 months ago. Has recently been chatty on the phone, but we had not seen each over for this 2 month period. I was excited and hopeful, as he suggested a meet up - but it just has not happended.
    after a lot of soul searching I just told him enough is enough.
    He is a good man - Ive told him so.
    But not giving me any attention nor love whilst he deals with his issues is too hard to bear. He also expects me to be "available" to him, when HE feels like he needs to talk.
    His mother is the main focus of his life. I know when she dies he will be heart broken. But I cannot wait for that to happen and hope that he will suddenly become availble to me, and come back loving and attentive.

    Rest assured, I have not given up on love.

    I have my own plans now, travel, art, focus on work, getting a new place to live. A new start for ME.

    I thank you all for your support and comments.

    This journey has been a long one, and Ive learnt about myself. I know deep down that I still love him, and there are dark days ahead as I grieve the loss of this relationship.

    But enough is enough!

    Time to focus on me.
    Time to be happy (he makes a career out of being miserable).
    Time to do what I want to do, without the constant fear and worry of "what comes next" with him.
    Will I wait for him to come out of his cave? Probably not.
    Will I stay single for a little while to give him a chance - maybe, but it will be on my terms and not just on his IF we do EVER get back together.
    Feeling strong.
    So to all of you out there - dont give up on love.
    But consider carefully what is said, and what your guy does ( or doesn't do). Being a good listener will help you steer a path to being in a relationship that is healthy.
    Bye for now, 
    and remember, if you think it is all about him, it probably is, and you need to be strong and think about your own needs, and put them first, for you.
    Em x
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    Is it always about him?
    mbfromboston at 8/30/2018 4:56:07 AM
    Emma, I'm sorry things didn't work out.  But good for you for realizing you needed more in a r'ship than he was able to give.  :)

    I was with a man like this for a number of years off and on.  Like you, I loved him and was patient. I knew he was a good man and he loved me.  But like your man he couldn't be a healthy, participating partner in a r'ship and also deal with his life.  He would also cave for weeks and months at a time.  That is when I finally learned the lesson that love is not enough.  I stopped living in the potential of what he could offer and took a good look at the reality of what he was currently offering.

    It's hard, but you'll be fine.  In fact, you'll be better than fine!  I suggest you read Dr. Gray's book Starting Over and really work the exercises to help you come out stronger on the other side.  Good luck!  Please keep us posted on your journey of healing.  {{{hugs}}}
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 8/30/2018 12:29:34 PM
    MB,
    Thank you so much for your comforting words.
    My "misery" does feel a little different this time. Not having seen him for 2 months, what am I giving up? Nothing! I felt like Ive been on a piece of elastic, that he tugs on when he feels like it.
    His response to my email, which was measured, and certainly not accusatory was "OK".
    No sorry, no hugs, no thank you for being there for me for so long. No mention of love. No sorry for hurting you so much.
    I have learnt a lot.
    Especially this last year.
    So thank you for your support.
    and recommendations.
    Ive applied to do some volunteering, and going to build the kind of life around me to feed my spiritual and creative needs. Im focused on work, but its a good focus. Not a burden. And I find it rewarding.
    Im looking forward to MY future.
    Take care of you too,
    Em x
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    Is it always about him?
    emma101010 at 3/10/2019 4:36:38 PM
    Just checking in with everyone to say that by giving my man the space to heal himself, things are going well.

    No wedding bells but we rely on each other for regular exchanges, have some great dates lined up and plans for the future.

    he admits he doesnt know what he wants for the rest of his life, but im pretty much on the same page, with lots of post divorce issues still to sort out.

    So its good.

    My advice to all Venus's out there.
    Our men need space, give it to them freely,
    Keep the love flowing even if you still sometimes dont understand why he might not want to see you. If all the other signs are still good, then maybe he is going through a personal crisis that he's not willing or wanting to share with you.

    Remember human beings are fragile. Love it fragile and needs nurturing.
    There arent any rules and aiming for the "perfect" relationship puts you both under a lot of pressure.

    Be there for each other.
    listen to him
    Ask him to listen to you.

    And dont make too many demands!

    Take care of you, then take care of him. being happy and healthy in yourself will make you less anxious and demanding.

    Dont worry, be happy

    Love is....whatever you make it.....

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