Is Adult ADHD the Culprit Behind Your Unfulfilling Relationships?

advice: dating advice: relationship advice: wellness john gray

Have you ever felt like dating was more difficult than it should be or that you find yourself constantly unfulfilled in the relationships you have?

You may have an adult form of ADHD [Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder]. This is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it’s a product of our lifestyle and its way more common than you think.

In this post, I’ll reveal what this condition is, how recognizing it can change your love life for the better, and tools you can use to successfully create the dating experiences and meaningful relationships you desire.

This could be the answer to all your dating frustrations.

Adult ADHD in Today’s Hyper World


Statistics show men and women simply aren’t getting married the way they used to; we don’t have enough passion to make a relationship last.


Amongst the many obstacles there are for dating and building committed relationships, the one that often gets overlooked is ADHD in adults. That’s right. It’s not a “kid-only” condition. This is a fairly new phenomenon, and it’s primarily a reaction to our new lifestyles.

You’re living in a hyper world. You have easy access to social media, pornography, caffeine, soda, energy drinks, white sugar, video games — all of these things overstimulate the brain and blood sugar and raise dopamine levels in the brain. Dopamine is the pleasure chemical you produce that makes you feel happy (and interested, excited, turned on, motivated, etc.)

But we can get too much dopamine (overstimulation), and that causes a down-regulation of receptor sites in the brain.

When you have fewer receptor sites, you’re dependent on hyperstimulation to feel alive; normal stimulation can’t do it. You get bored and feel flat. You lose interest. You can even start to feel pain and discomfort.

(My post, Understanding ADHD, goes into greater detail about the specifics of this condition.)

This issue has a tremendous influence on your dating life and relationships.


How ADHD Affects Men and Women Differently in Dating and Relationships


In the beginning of a relationship, you produce an abundance of dopamine because there’s newness, and everything is fun, happy, and exciting.

But the newness goes away. You’re waking up to that same person every day, talking to the same person every day, looking at the same person every day.

When you do not have ADHD, the familiarity generates enough dopamine in your brain to make you feel satisfied and happy.

With ADHD, however, you need a lot of newness to generate the same feelings.


How ADHD Manifests in Men

A man with ADHD is distracted, and he believes the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence: “I’m doing this, but that looks interesting!” 

He gets excited about one woman, and suddenly, there’s someone else that catches his eye. The inability to stay focused on one person and grow in connection with them is a symptom of ADHD.


Impulsive Feelings
As a boy works through puberty and matures into a man, he’s able to control his body more, so there’s less of a tendency to have impulsive behavior — but he still has impulsive feelings.

So although he can control a certain amount of his hyperactivity (the “classic” sign of ADHD in males), he doesn’t want to stay in one relationship. He’s really busy, and he can’t focus on one relationship and give it a chance to grow. He doesn’t develop a connection of any depth.


It’s natural for a man without ADHD to feel like he has to get his career in order before he’s ready for a relationship. He might want to complete a project at work or achieve a specific career goal he’s set for himself. When he achieves it, he is then available for a relationship.

For a man with ADHD, however, he becomes “hyper-focused.”

He has to be completely involved and focused on his career all the time, so he doesn’t ever have time for a relationship.

Sometimes, a man with ADHD will fall in love with a woman — and it’s hyper HER. He’s so romantic, he’s so amazing, he does everything for her, but he realizes he can’t sustain that. This is particularly true as the newness fades, and his ADHD refocuses. His frame of mind inevitably goes to the “grass is always greener” mentality again, and it prevents him from staying committed. He may even start to feel claustrophobic in a relationship and withdraw suddenly.


How ADHD Manifests in Women

A woman with ADHD is overwhelmed with too much to do and feels she has no time for herself and her own needs.

The notion that she has to be completely independent, do everything herself, and solve all the problems, are classic signs of ADHD in a woman.


Ironically, a woman with ADHD might feel like she has no time for a relationship, but then when she gets involved with a man, she shifts into this place of neediness, which can make her feel overly emotional, say things she regrets later, and become demanding and critical.

She’s been deficient in getting the support she’s needed for so long, she doesn’t know how to handle these new feelings in a balanced, feel-good way.


Bad Boys
A woman with ADHD tends to get attached to guys who aren’t really there for her. She gets involved in dysfunctional relationships instead of creating connections with “good guys.”

A good guy is there for her and loves her, and yet, she feels no sexual attraction for him. She wants to be friends, but she doesn’t feel that bond.

On the other hand, the guys who are dangerous and risky, the ones that are married and not consistently supportive, those guys turn her on. Her ADHD reveals a dopamine deficiency where she needs this danger and unpredictability in order to be attracted and get turned on.


Is This YOU?


Do any of the points above hit home for you? If so, that’s great! You know now that there’s nothing “wrong” with you. You’re an amazing person who deserves an amazing relationship.

ADHD isn’t doom and gloom. It’s more common than you could possibly imagine. And now that you know the reason for your dating frustrations, you can start to change your story. You can bolster your dating life and enhance your relationships by balancing your brain chemistry.


Balance Your Brain Chemistry, Enjoy Your Relationships!


There are ways to successfully manage the symptoms of ADHD while dating and creating relationships that I discuss in length in my book Staying Focused in a Hyper World. Tools, practices, and perspectives can help you change your pattern.

In addition, you may be deficient in certain minerals and nutrients your brain and body need for healthy dopamine function. By adding vital supplements, you can fully enjoy the dating and relationship experience.


Grow in love,


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