Feeling Needy In Your Relationship? Your Problem Might Be the Solution.

advice: dating advice: relationship lauren gray

“The Cool Girl” doesn’t get needy in a relationship.

But where does that leave us?!

He pulls away and, suddenly, it doesn’t matter that you’re a total badass and completely self-sufficient in the workplace... you turn into a “Please don’t leave me!!!” girl.

It’s okay. It’s actually perfect.

I’m going to show you three surprising (and totally practical) ways to gain back a sense of control and turn “needy” into sexy self-assurance.

The very thing that triggers your “neediness” can also be the very thing that helps your relationship grow in love and lasting attraction — something a “Cool Girl” might miss out on.

Ready to transform “needy” into something awesome?

Dear Lauren,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 ½ years. Everything is great until he pulls away; he either wants to be alone, or he wants to spend time with his friends. Every time he pulls away, I get super needy. I tell him I need him to stay home, I need him to listen to me, I need his attention.

I know I should be the "cool" girlfriend and let him go out, but I can't help it. I just go into demanding crying mode, and I need him to care more. He gets mad at me when I say that stuff and leaves anyway. I hate it. Can you please help?

– Sandra


Great question! So many women struggle with this in their relationships. I’m so excited to share with you how your “needy” problem can actually be the oh-so-practical solution your relationship needs. Stick around. ;-)


Being “Needy” Isn’t Pretty, but It’s Also Not a Character Flaw


Being “needy” isn’t the most flattering feeling. No one likes feeling “needy.” I get it.

And, yet, many women relate to this overwhelming emotion in their relationships. They can be totally badass and self-sufficient in the workplace, and then when it comes to their relationships, they suddenly feel “needy.”

This isn’t because women are “weak,” and they can’t survive without the constant loving attention of a man.

The truth is that when a person connects with a need that isn’t being met and feels deprived of a way to meet that need, it’s a natural and human response to feel “needy.”

It’s the same type of demanding sensation you get when you’re hungry; until that need is satisfied, you’re going to feel temporarily obsessed. You may even feel a little crazy. This is because there’s a real need and you’re not sure if it’s going to be met.

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s not a weakness. It also isn’t your partner’s fault.


Your “Problem” Might Be the Solution


The three main problems I heard in your question are:

1. My partner pulls away, and I get needy.

2. Instead of letting him go out and being a “cool” girlfriend, I tell him I need more attention.

3. He leaves me alone the moment I need love the most.

I have the utmost empathy for these “problems” because I’m human and I’ve felt them. But they don’t control me anymore and they don’t rock the boat in my relationship anymore. I’m going to share with you why that is.

We’re going to explore these problems and discover that with just a shift in perspective, these “problems” actually transform into the three most direct ways to gain back a sense of control and self-assurance in your relationship.

The thing that triggers your “neediness” can also be the very thing that will satisfy it and make you BOTH feel better.

Keep reading!


1.  Problem: Your partner pulls away
     Solution: Your partner pulls away

The main trigger for a woman’s neediness is when her partner pulls away and takes, what in MarsVenus lingo we call, “cave time.”

This just means he temporarily pulls away to be by himself, be with friends, or if he’s around you, it often manifests as him becoming emotionally distant for a time. This is normal. When a man pulls away to his cave, that’s his self-nurturing time. That’s his time to de-stress and recharge.

You know how great you feel after a day at the spa? THAT’s how good, refreshed, and renewed he feels after cave time. He’s got plenty of love to give.

If he doesn’t get this kind of break, he becomes moody, irritable, argumentative, and stingy with his love and affection.

His pulling away is vital in order for him to be the kind of man who can meet your needs — the kind of partner who can be generous, loving, and attentive.

Having this simple shift in perspective can make all the difference between you feeling “needy” in those moments and you feeling confident that you’ll get what you need... as soon as he returns from his cave time.


2. Problem: Telling your partner you need more attention
    Solution: Telling your partner you need more attention

That’s right. In fact, the real solution is to communicate your needs even more!

In these moments when a man pulls away, it’s normal to feel like you’re biting your tongue on all the things you want to say.

That’s because women tend to connect with and articulate their needs only when they feel deprived and/or jealous. There’s nothing wrong with expressing your needs, but it becomes a problem when you wait until you’re upset to express those needs.

If you express your needs from a place of upset, your partner is going to feel blamed, and he’s going to get defensive or angry.

But if you bring up your needs regularly — and not just when you feel deprived and/or jealous — then a man sees an opportunity to make you happy. Instead of feeling blamed for disappointing you, he sees your need as an opportunity to succeed in making you happy.

You deserve more attention. You just need to develop the communication skills and confidence necessary so that you can express your needs in a way that will get you what you want. Telling your partner what you need with a smile on your face — instead of a frown — is the most efficient way to get your needs met in a relationship.

As you can see, the problem isn’t that you tell him what your needs are; the problem is that you don’t do it often enough.



3. Problem: Your partner leaves you alone the moment you need love the most
    Solution: Your partner leaves you alone the moment you need love the most

When men feel stressed, they instinctively pull away to the cave to self-nurture and take care of their own needs. When women feel stressed and feel the need for nurturing, they often look outside of themselves for the love and attention they’re craving.

Sometimes this works. Sometimes it doesn’t.

When your only option for love and support comes from an outside source, it’s a faulty option.

The only source you can depend on is yourself. Men self-nurture. Women can too.

Taking “me-time,” while not intuitive for a woman, is just as beneficial for women as it is for men. The only difference is that men take me-time instinctively as a way to self-nurture, and women often misunderstand their need for me-time as a need for more we-time.

So, in fact, when a man leaves you alone at the moment you need love the most, it actually gives you the opportunity to meet your own needs through self-nurturing.

When a woman can learn how to make me-time work for her, she never needs to feel “needy” again because she has access to an unlimited source of love and support.

When a woman communicates what she needs in a relationship from this self-assured, confident, fulfilled place, she inspires her partner to jump through hoops to make her even happier. “Needy” makes him walk out the door; confidence is catnip.


A New Source of Love and Fulfillment for Your Relationship


As you can see, the three biggest “problems” with being needy are actually the three most direct ways to gain back a sense of control and confidence. What seemed like a problem is actually the solution.

“Needy” isn’t a character flaw. You’re the fabulous person you’ve always been. Now that you have a better understanding of why you get “needy” and how to meet that need, you’re going to handle his pulling away a lot better!

And the benefit of that is that as soon as he’s done with his night out, he can return to you with the affectionate enthusiasm of a man who can meet your needs for love.

A man pulling away doesn’t need to cause stress in a relationship, but a woman expressing her needs doesn’t need to cause stress either. When done with more understanding, both can be a new source of love and fulfillment for your relationship.


With love,


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