Getting Back Together After Breaking Up: Does It Work?

advice: relationship john gray

If your partner pulls away or suddenly ends things, it’s hard not to wonder if getting back together after breaking up is possible.

Making matters even harder, most women will immediately think it was their fault.

  • “Was I too needy?”
  • “Did I ask for too much?”
  • “Is he being distant because he doesn’t love me?”

 Those thoughts are normal and natural.

It’s what you do next that makes the most impact on your relationship!

In this post, I’ll share why him pulling away or even suddenly ending things doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. I’ll also show you exactly what you can say and do to give your relationship the best shot at a healthy, thriving future.

Hi John,

I've been in a relationship with a guy for two years, and it's been great. 

For some time now, he's been stressed out with his job and school and he's become quite distant. 

I pushed him by asking what he wants from me, and he said, "We should just be friends." 

He broke up with me yesterday. 

I just read the cave section of your book, and I'm wondering what happens after you are burned by the cave. 

Is there a chance that we can get back together?

– Amber


There's a high possibility that you can get back together.

Not everyone recommends getting back together after breaking up, but sometimes a “breakup” is really a breakthrough. It shows you what isn’t working so you can change it.

The first thing is to understand why your boyfriend was annoyed by you in the first place.

He clearly cares about you, otherwise, he wouldn't have been irritated by you. 

So that's a good sign.


Before Getting Back Together After Breaking Up, Know the Buttons You’re Pushing


When men pull away, it’s simply because they need some time alone in order to feel good.

Every man has a need to connect, but he also has a need to disconnect. That's his “Cave time.”

Unfortunately, this behavior can often push a panic button for women.

You may think: "Oh, he doesn't love me. He doesn't care about me," and begin to feel needy for reassurance that you are loved.

Now, every woman does need reassurance that she is loved. There's no problem with that. The problem is the timing of how and when you ask for that reassurance.

When your partner is in that place of needing to pull back, that is the worst possible time for you to approach him with more requests because it’s often when he’s already stressed.

If you push him at that time, he will start to feel irritated and annoyed.

Your request will raise his stress level and, if he’s also having challenges elsewhere in his life, like his work, this will be doubly so.


Men Need to First Feel Successful in Work


When a man faces challenges in his work, it is one of the most difficult things for him.

This is because when a man feels successful in his life and work, his masculine hormones rise.

What happens when he doesn't feel successful is the opposite: His masculine hormones drop and his interest in his partner will also decrease at that time.

If you come to him asking for reassurance or answers then, for him, it’s like you're pushing a sore spot in his body, and it becomes more and more irritated.

The trick here is to give him a lot of space so he can pull away. Then, he will come back renewed and appreciative.

That is the best thing you can do for the relationship.

Giving him space means:

  • Don’t try to help him
  • Don’t seek reassurance
  • Trust that he’s going through what he needs to do
  • Trust that he still cares about you


I find that when you don't have that trust, often it’s simply that you don't understand men yet — but that’s exactly why you picked up my book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and you’re reading it!

You are learning about the “Cave” and how men and women are different, and that’s the best thing you can do — especially if you’re working on getting back together after breaking up.



How Do You Salvage the Situation?


I want to reiterate that getting back together after breaking up — and making it work — is absolutely possible, even if his reaction was to end the relationship.


Here’s what you need to do:

1. Take 100% responsibility. Let him know that you read my book, which is helping you better understand men and learn what you did wrong.

You can say: "I read this book. I realized I didn't understand men and I did everything wrong.”

Note: Saying you did everything wrong may feel tough to admit or say, but it is essential to have this be effective. Know that it doesn't make a man feel worse about you. It actually gives him hope and optimism that you can make this work.


2. Show him that you understand his needs, and you’re okay with them.

You can say: “Now I realize you just needed your space and that's cool with me. I'm okay with that.”

Note: You may still be working on the trust piece, but it’s important that you show him that his needs are valued now.


3. Tell him what you’ll do differently.

You can say: “I just want you to know that I can make this change and give you the space you need. I hope that when you're feeling good about your work and all these things, if you're still interested in me, we can make it work.”


4. Remind him how you feel and what you appreciate about him.

You can say:

“I think you're the most amazing guy."
“I remember when you did [something nice] for me.”
“I fell in love with you.”
“I want to be with you.”


5. Apologize for pushing him away.

You can say: “I understand I pushed you away. And I'm so sorry, and I hope one day you can forgive me."


6. Give him space to process what you’re saying.

You can say: "You don't have to say anything. I just want to let you know this so you can see the changes in me in case you desire me again."


If you can do that, and commit to continued learning with my book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, and our MarsVenus courses and programs, there’s no reason that you can’t get back together and make it work.


Grow in love,


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