Could Giving Space in a Relationship Solve Your Problems?

advice: relationship lauren gray

Giving space in a relationship: It feels dangerous. Threatening even.

When you start to feel distance between you - whether it’s cool indifference, physically pulling away, not answering your calls, or full-on irritation - all instincts drive you to bridge the gap immediately.

You have to remind them how it felt when you were close and happy again. Right?

Actually, I’m here to challenge this idea. Because “togetherness” is not always the cure it promises to be.

In this post, you’ll learn how giving space in a relationship can bring you a much deeper, more fulfilling, more sustainable intimacy IF you have the courage to try a new way.

The Most Dangerous Relationship Myth Out There


Today I’m flipping the script on what I believe to be the most dangerous relationship myth out there. It’s well-meaning advice but ultimately it’s sabotaging our relationships. The advice goes something like this:

“The secret to a successful relationship is to spend as much time together as possible. Don’t take time or space apart. When it gets challenging, don’t run away. If there’s anger, let it rip. If there’s hurt, don’t hold back. Honesty is the key. Togetherness is the solution to every problem.”

What’s your reaction when I say those words?

It doesn’t sound bad, right? It sounds kinda romantic. It sounds like it’s in integrity with core values like honesty, loyalty, and self-expression. Those values speak to me too.

And that’s what makes it such an insidious threat.


The Appeal and Danger of “Togetherness”


I can see how this mentality appeals to so many people. In its most idealistic form, it’s romantic. However, in its practical form, it’s sabotaging our relationships.

This kind of relentless “honesty” is actually demanding and confrontational. It winds up leading your relationship toward more “drama” than love.

I call this The Dark Intimacy Addiction. We start depending on these “honest” blowups in order to create intimacy with our partners. You may even unconsciously stir up drama, doubt, or jealousy just to break through the walls of indifference and resentment in order to feel a connection.

Oy vey! Let’s leave the drama for the stage and find connection and intimacy in our relationships in a more positive, loving, and sustainable way, shall we?

And it starts by doing the exact opposite of “Don’t take space.”


3 Guesses:

  • Take a hike?
  • Take your vitamins?

You got it. ;-)


Giving space in a relationship can work miracles if you know how to use this new and valuable tool. Let me show you...


Giving Space in a Relationship vs. Togetherness


Watch these two strategies go head to head:

Strategy #1: Don’t take space.

Strategy #2: Take space.


Example #1: You’re feeling upset with your partner. How can you deal with this conflict and emotional turmoil?

Strategy #1: Don’t take space.

Stick to your partner like white on rice. Hash it out. Yell. Throw things. Say things you’ll regret later. Explode.

Dump your feelings all over your partner without consideration — it’s okay. That emotional vomit is real love. Don’t hold back. And if you’re the one getting vomited on, take it like a champ. That’s what it means to be in a relationship.

Dramatic? Yes. Violent? Maybe. Challenging? For sure! But at least you’re staying with it and not taking space. Feel better?


Strategy #2. Take space.

Take space and cool down.

Self-connect. Do something feel-good and relaxing. Reconnect with your loving feelings for yourself, your life, and your partner. THEN, if you still have something to say, speak honestly from the heart.

Communicate with care to the person you care about.

Is this thoughtful message perhaps even MORE honest than your original heat-of-the-moment reaction? Try it and see for yourself.

Our instinct when we feel distant from our partner is to bridge that gap as fast as possible to get closer. But in this particular case, giving space in a relationship allows you to come back together in greater intimacy and loving connection.



Example #2: You’re feeling indifference and a lack of attraction with your partner. How can you reignite the passion?

Strategy #1: Don’t take space.

The sexual tension has vanished. Uh oh! Flirt with a coworker in front of your partner and try to make them jealous — that should get their attention.

Better yet, accuse your partner of cheating on you because they’ve been busy with work and you want more attention.

Or how about pressing their buttons and saying something you know will irritate them so that you can break through the veneer of indifference and get a reaction?

Who cares if it causes tears, pain, and fighting? At least you’re experiencing a real live-wire connection now, right? Finally!


Strategy #2. Take space.

Take space and get hot for each other.

If you feel indifferent toward your partner, or sense indifference from them, don’t panic and do something extreme that will hurt your partners’ feelings. This doesn’t have to be a big deal. You’ve simply been spending too much time together or you’ve been spending too much energy on other people and you’re losing your mojo. Do something fun and relaxing that helps you get your groove back.

Once you start feeling sexy and confident again, come back to your partner, go on a date, and enjoy the newfound heat and desire. Is this genuine turn-on even more satisfying than a jealous rage? Try it and find out for yourself.

I know I’m asking for a lot. All instincts in the face of indifference scream to do something drastic, to force a connection. It’s scary as all heck when you lose attraction for your partner or sense they’ve lost attraction for you! But in this particular case, giving space in a relationship, taking time apart where you’re doing something fun for yourself, can spark the passion you’re looking for.


You Choose


Here’s the deal: It’s your choice.

On the surface, the results of these strategies may look similar. You get to express yourself “honestly” and ultimately you “connect” with your partner.

However, every time you choose drama over love, it takes its toll. It destroys trust, poisons love, shreds kind communication, and it’s freaking exhausting.

Every time you choose to take intentional space, it breathes love and energy back into your relationship; setting you up for sustainable success for the long haul.

You get to decide what’s best for you.

It’s my job to bring this choice to your attention and hopefully make "giving space in a relationship" a less scary prospect. After all, it’s easy to fall into the comforting trap that “together” is always the BEST solution for your relationship challenges.

Despite popular advice, sometimes, it’s really not.


With love,


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