Hot and Cold? How to Tell If He Has Real Feelings for You.

advice: relationship lauren gray

Is he acting hot and cold? Making you think “He loves me!” and the next minute thinking “Does he even care at all?!”

Some things in life are complicated — like untangling the chain of a necklace (why is this so hard?!) — but this, thankfully, can be resolved quite easily.

In this post, I’ll reveal a fool-proof approach so that you can get total clarity on his feelings and intentions and move forward in the relationship with confidence!


Dear Lauren,

I’ve been sorta seeing this guy for a while. I told him at the beginning that I was not ready for a relationship. His response was fine that he was willing to wait. So we continue casually talking, having lunch dates, and occasionally hooking up.

Now I feel ready to be in a relationship and I’m waiting for him to actively pursue me with romantic dates, phone calls, and flowers. The problem is that I’m not seeing this happening. He’s been very inconsistent with his attention. 

Two days ago he tells me he loves me. For me, it’s hard to believe because he hasn’t really shown me that and we haven’t spent a lot of quality romantic time together.

My question is: How do I tell if his feelings for me are real?

– Maria


Why So Hot and Cold?


It’s hard to trust in a new relationship, especially when his attentions are so inconsistent.

So let’s uncover the reason WHY he’s been so hot and cold. And we don’t need to dig too deep to find it.

The last thing this guy heard was that you weren't interested in a relationship. Just because you’ve changed your mind doesn't mean he knows the game has changed.

He's been holding back pursuing you in a traditional wanna-be-yer-boyfriend-way because you told him you weren’t ready for that.


How to Make Him Step Up His Game


I know his hot and cold behavior has been frustrating for you. But there’s an easy fix!

In order to get him to step up his game and be more consistent, it's your job to define how you would like the relationship to change.


Be specific and ask for what you want:

  • Do you want flowers?
  • Do you want to go on romantic dates?
  • Do you want late-night phone calls?
  • Do you want to try out an exclusive arrangement so that you can build trust in order to get to know each other better?


Let him know what kind of attention and commitment you’re looking for. And then show him, through smiles and thank you’s, that his efforts and gestures are well received.


Yeah, but What If He Freaks Out?!


Let me tell you what I know about the men in the dating scene who come on strong

If you ask for what you want (a greater commitment) and he runs for the hills, it's a sign that he’s not ready for a relationship. He talked the I love you” talk, but in reality, he was only comfortable being with someone who was “unavailable” and “unattainable.”

This type of guy loves the chase more than the object of his affection.

If he freaks out, it’s not because you did something wrong. It’s because you gave him the opportunity to step up and that revealed that he’s not the right guy for you — that’s good information for him and for you. Now you can BOTH move on.


What If He Loves Me for Real?


If he gives you the kind of romantic attention and commitment you ask for and he delights in the fact that his wait is over, then awesome! Right?

Maybe. Maybe not.

It can be overwhelming being the object of someone’s affection, so here are a few things to keep in mind so that your new dynamic doesn’t freak you out!

  • You don’t know that he’s Mr. Right yet. You just know he has potential. Don’t put the cart before the horse.
  • By dating him, you’re not promising to spend the rest of your life with him, you’re just agreeing to the next date.
  • There’s no pressure. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean you have to reciprocate those feelings immediately. Take your time.


The Questions You Should Be Asking


You ask if he loves you for real.

Good question. But it’s not the only important question. In fact, the answer doesn’t even matter if you're not in love with him.

When someone comes on strong and expresses his devotion to you, it’s easy to fall under the romantic spell this infatuation weaves. It’s flattering and it’s easy to become so obsessed with HIS feelings and how good it makes you feel that you forget to check in with your own.

Don’t forget to check in with your own feelings.

Get to know him at your own pace and observe: “Is he showing up for me in a way that shows me he’d make a good partner? Does he make me happy? Is he the one?”

Dating is about trying someone on and seeing if they fit. So instead of asking, “Does this outfit like me?” Start asking, “Do I like this outfit? How does this outfit make me feel?”

Your feelings will become a much stronger voice this way.


With love,


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