My Husband Doesn’t Tell Me Certain Things

advice: relationship john gray

He used to talk to you about everything. Now, if you’re lucky, he grunts.

The good news? You can absolutely improve your communication (and relationship) with your loved one.

In the following video and post, I’ll reveal what I call the 5Cs — the things a woman unknowingly does that turn a man off and stops him from completely opening up to her.

Get ready for some changes!



Dear John,

I just had a 3-day war with my husband who has started a fly-in, fly-out job in the mining industry (one month on and one week at home). He started to drink at night and not tell me about it. We had a deal at the beginning of our relationship that he wouldn’t drink because it led to fights. So when I found out he was drinking again, I got hurt and upset.

I know it’s not big drinking – 5-6 beers once a week when he is out with his coworkers. The problem is it causes him to miss the times we previously arranged to talk.

In this recent fight, I got more and more hurt and upset — which made him very angry too.

He’s not a good communicator and turned quiet, but then it suddenly hit me — am I too controlling? I see it in myself often, only following the rules and making everyone else follow my rules too.

Should I just let go of the rules and agreements we made as to how he would be when he worked away, and just say, "Go for it, honey, have a few drinks relax and unwind"?

Depending on my levels of tiredness, stress and where I am on my wave, this thing comes up big time.

How do I start the real work of stopping the fear/control cycle and having a healthy happy next part of my life/our relationship?

Thank you for your great stuff.

– Suncat


When your partner does something and doesn't tell you about it, it's probably because you haven't made it safe for them to tell you about it.

Secrets and trust issues are common problems with the couples who come to my Mars Venus Relationship Weekend seminars.

One partner may say, "He didn't tell me about it!" or "She tries to hide it from me!"

I always ask, "How did you respond when they told you before?" or "How would you have responded if they did tell you?"

Loving relationships require equal responsibility. It's never good to hide, lie, and withhold in a relationship. At the same time, it's not good to be a person where your partner can't tell you things because of how you would judge, think, and respond to them.

I often see more men holding back secrets from their wives than wives holding secrets from their husbands. Part of the reason is that certain men need to learn how to have good, open communication with their partners. Another reason why men hold back more secrets is that women have more of an emotional response to certain untold activities and react with a barrage of questions.

Even worse, a woman may respond with one of the 5 Cs.

The 5Cs are the things a woman unknowingly does to turn off a man. They are Complain, Criticize, Correct, Control, and Compare.

A woman may respond with one of the 5Cs in an attempt to change him or improve him. She may think her attempts to change him are loving, but he usually feels she is being controlling, manipulating, or rejecting him. So the more she tries to change him, the more he resists.

Problems usually arise after a man resists because she misinterprets his response. She thinks he is not willing to change and does not love her enough. Ironically, he is resistant to changing because he believes he is not being loved and trusted enough.

When a man feels loved, trusted, accepted, and appreciated, he will feel a greater need to make her happy by growing, changing, and improving himself.


Grow in love,


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