Are You Self-Sabotaging Relationships and Your Chance at True Love?

advice: dating advice: relationship john gray

If you can’t help but fall in love with men who are already taken, unavailable, and “wrong” for you, you may start to wonder…

Are you destined to stay in this cycle forever?

No, you are not!

In today’s post, I’ll show you why you might be unconsciously self-sabotaging relationships, how to stop this pattern, and where to look, so you can find your man and create your dream future with Mr. Right.

“Dear John, 

I have no love life currently, probably because I self-sabotage. 

I always want what I can't have, and I'm not interested in the guys who are interested in me. 

I scare the ones that I'm interested in away because I want that person so badly. 


– Amanda


Why Does the “Wrong” Feel So “Right"?


A lot of women are dealing with this same challenge.

You find yourself feeling really excited and motivated around men who are not available.

Maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, or you find out later that they're married.

You're going to go after them thinking they're your type, and that they'll love you.

But in reality, they don't have the potential to love you.

You're actually attracted to the wrong guy.

After a while, you start to feel like you’re sabotaging your own chance at love and happiness.

Why does this happen?

When you self-sabotage, you are following a pattern. 

It actually starts in childhood. As a little girl, you want to “be good” because you want your parents (and caregivers) to love you.

You also depend on them to have your basic needs met, so this is top of mind for you as a child.

But when you're growing up, your father figure tends to be unavailable to you.


You try even harder because you want dad to:

  • Love you
  • Play with you
  • Spend time with you


You start to always think of ways to please because you want to get his attention, to have him come closer to you.

You begin this habit of adjusting yourself, of seeking out, how can I please somebody?

As this pattern becomes familiar to you, something funny starts happening in your brain:

It produces dopamine.

And it follows you into adulthood, in the shape of self-sabotaging relationships because dopamine is associated with physical attraction.


So, as an adult, you’ll continue to feel attracted towards men who are:

  • Married
  • Dangerous
  • Not available


Because when you see these men, intuitively, you can sense...he's not available.

But instead of leaving them be, you become interested. You think…I can get him to love me.

And this might not even be conscious, it's just a sense of strong attraction and excitement from your brain recognizing that familiar pattern.

You start thinking, What can I do to get this guy?

Only to find out later, they’re actually unavailable, or married, or the “not-good-for-you” type.

So, when that’s the case, and that's been a pattern in your life, then you know you might be self-sabotaging relationships due to this childhood conditioning.

Good news: Just because it happened in childhood, doesn’t mean this pattern needs to continue. There is a way to change this cycle. (And it’s easier than you think.)

How Do You Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotaging Relationships?


When we talk about changing a pattern, here’s the simplest way to do it:

  1. You recognize that pattern
  2. You stop it.


Just like anything that's not good for you, and doesn't give you what you want in life, you stop doing what you're doing.

However, to stop a pattern is challenging and difficult because you're still going to feel this attraction.

You can’t really flip a switch in your brain and say, No more! I’m done being attracted to these guys! Bye, forever!

That's very hard to do unless you have something else you can do to stop the pattern of self-sabotaging relationships. (Hint: there is!)

So, how do you find the right guy?

You shift the pattern. 

And to do this, we need to look at the other side of the equation:

The men who are interested in you, but you're not interested in them.

Reasonably speaking, they have a job, they're safe, they’re interested in you. Maybe they even fit your picture of what a handsome man looks like.

All of these basic things are fulfilled, but you don't have that excitement.

Because they're:

  • Boring
  • Too nice
  • They just don't excite you

So you think they're the wrong person.

But those are the great guys. The guys who are interested in you, that you don't want, but you can recognize might have potential.

Because of your pattern of being attracted to unavailable men, you don’t give these guys a chance (when they could have been Mr. Right all along).


So, the answer is to shift gears.

  1. Pay attention to those men who are more interested in you than you're interested in them
  2. Open yourself to explore the possibility that maybe those feelings will begin to arise


Now, the question becomes: What can you do to spark interest with these guys so you can change the story of self-sabotaging relationships and start to experience the happiness and romantic fulfillment you want?


Discover the Thrill of Dating (Not Chasing) Your Man


What happens when you give a chance to men who are interested in you, but you're not interested in them?

You're going to have the opportunity to explore a new way of dating, where you're not trying to impress someone. 


When you're not trying to please them, or get them to like you, you create a new opportunity to explore new relationship skills of:

  • Authenticity
  • Revealing yourself
  • Opening up
  • Asking for what you want


These are all new skills in dating that you can learn, and begin to experience your authentic self at a deeper level.

(Rather than a more superficial part of you which is seeking to change yourself.)


For example, on a date: 


This way you begin to experience a new state of, "Okay, I'm relaxed, I'm having a good time. We can be friends."

What happens when you can just open up and be yourself?

What's so interesting is, many women report that when they're first dating a guy they're friends.

But later, it turns into something more.

Why is that?

You start feeling safer when you’re with them.

And for women, this is especially important. Because from that feeling of safety, you ignite a kind of attraction and a passion that can be long-lasting for both partners.

So, if you find yourself feeling stuck in this cycle of self-sabotaging relationships, remember:

These patterns that started in childhood may seem hard to break because you won’t be able to flip a switch with your feelings and emotions.

But when you meet the “bad boys” and the married, unavailable men, don’t give in to those feelings of attraction. Recognize them as the dopamine “hit” they are and move on.

Instead, start thinking, “Could I give that nice, good-looking guy I friend-zoned a second chance?” And start scheduling dates with these guys.

And soon, you will find yourself free from the pattern of self-sabotaging relationships, and on your way to build your dream future — fiery passion included — with your best friend.


Grow in love,


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