Should I Kiss on the First Date?

advice: dating john gray

The first date is so critical for determining whether you have chemistry with someone enough to want to build a relationship with that person.

Some women worry that if they kiss on the first date, men will think they’re easy. At the same time, many women feel that if they don’t kiss on the first date, men will think they are not interested when they are.

This blog explains how to slow down your date when they want to kiss on the first date, and you are not ready.

Watch my video to learn how you can move at your own pace on a first date and still create intimacy and interest for a second date.


Dear John,

Why do guys want to kiss on the first date?

When I ask the guys, they tell me they want to know if we have chemistry. I would rather have the first kiss come naturally.

Is that wrong?


– Lindsay

This is an area where men and women often show their differences.

If a man wants to kiss you, then he is already feeling chemistry. A man is usually attracted to a woman’s physical appearance first, and it often takes physical intimacy, like a kiss, for him to open up and become mentally attracted to her.

Most men need to feel physical chemistry before moving on to mental chemistry.

But most women need to feel mental chemistry — and emotional chemistry — before moving on to physical chemistry.

She may feel a physical attraction slowly or it might happen very suddenly. Quite often, it happens when he gives her a kiss. That one little gesture of affection can suddenly make it clear to her that he is more special.

Many of the traditional dating rituals between men and women are really just opportunities for a woman to assess her feelings for a man.

When a man asks her out, plans a date, compliments her, or even gives her a kiss, it allows her to gradually experience different levels of chemistry.

This is the dance of dating.


How to Say No to a Kiss


When a woman is attracted to a man but doesn’t want to be physically intimate with him yet, the best approach is to be clear and definite.

Being vague doesn’t work.

If he leans in to give a kiss, she can turn her cheek to receive the kiss and then tell him, “I'm not ready, but I want to see you again.”

Just as a man needs to be respectful of a woman’s boundaries, a woman also needs to consider the messages she is giving.

When a woman says, “I don’t know. Maybe we should wait,” many men think it is okay to keep advancing until they get a clear no.

However, when a woman says no or stops a man from giving her a kiss, it can be misinterpreted as: “I am not interested and will never be.”

If she means, “Don’t do that again tonight,” then she needs to say that with words.

If he doesn’t respect that first no, then she needs to immediately get up and leave.

She can be polite and clear about setting that boundary by saying: “I really like you, but I am not ready for this much now.” Then she should leave the room — or at least move away from him.


How to Move Slow


Some women are closed to the process of dating because they feel under pressure to be fully sexual before they are ready.

Men expect sex because it seems as if everyone else is getting it. It is everywhere in our media and society — and there are many women who freely give it.

Other women don’t realize that there are alternatives.

When a woman becomes sexual before she is ready, then she has stopped being receptive and becomes accommodating. Instead of allowing a man to please her, she tries to please him.

This compromises her position because if she is not open at all, a man may become frustrated as well.

There is a middle ground here.

The anticipation of more is what keeps a man interested and attracted to a woman.

So when a woman gracefully establishes her limits and stands up for what feels right to her, she actually remains most attractive to him. This also gives her time to become more mentally and emotionally intimate with him.

In fact, the more receptive and responsive she becomes, the more attractive she will be to the kind of man who will want to marry her.


Grow in love,


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