The Most Common Mistakes Women Make When Trying to Get a Guy to Commit

advice: relationship lauren gray

You’re ready to take the next step in your relationship, whether that’s saying I love you, getting engaged, moving in together, being exclusive, setting the date…But he just won’t commit!

He’s dragging his feet and this, my friend, calls for an intervention.

We need to change the approach to get a different result. STAT.

In this post, I’m going to share with you the most common mistakes women make when trying to get a guy to commit AND give you the tools to get him to forget his resistance and hurry up and commit to you.

Let’s not waste another minute, shall we? Dive in!

Dear Lauren,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. He tells me he loves me like he’s never loved any girl, but he just can’t commit and he doesn’t know why. It’s so confusing…for both of us!

I’m very clingy, a bit insecure too, and sometimes I check his phone or try to mother him, but he says that’s not the problem. That the problem is him, and he doesn’t know when he’ll get over it. I tried ultimatums but they don’t work. I love this man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I accused him of wanting to keep me around because of sex, and he suggested we stop having sex to prove to me that that isn’t what he wants. What’s going on?

– Erika


How NOT to Get a Guy to Commit to You


I say this with love:

You’ve got to cool it with the tests and the ultimatums!

This is out of control.


In your question alone I counted 6 major red flags:


He might say you’re not the problem, and he may be blind to the fact that you are because he loves you so much, but I will tell you straight that your actions are driving him away!

No matter how amazing the guy is, this behavior will push him away.


You’re Doing Things in the Wrong Order


You do not need to be perfect in order to be worthy of love.

It’s okay to make mistakes.

And it’s natural for a relationship to bring you face to face with all your insecurities.

This can be an extremely healing experience where you confront and process old fears so that you can move on from them.

In this way, a relationship can actually support you to step into your full potential.

Or, if left unchecked, these insecurities can suck the life and love out of a relationship.

Here’s how:


When we feel insecure in a relationship, we often have thoughts like:

  • “I’m not good enough.”
  • “I’m not beautiful enough.”
  • “Any minute now he’s going to find out that I’m not as perfect as he thinks and he’ll leave me for someone who is.”

These thoughts and fears are natural.


BUT when we’re not consciously processing, self-reflecting, and learning the lessons we’re being confronted with, our subconscious minds take over.

Subconsciously, we try to sabotage the relationship by doing things we think will turn off our partners. This way, we can test our partners’ love. 

If he can deal with all the snooping, mothering, accusations, ultimatums, and tantrums, then he’ll prove that he really loves you no matter what.

If he continues to come back to you, you can, in theory, “trust” in his love.

If you can trust in his love, then you can believe that you are “good enough,” “beautiful enough,” and “perfect enough” to deserve his love.

This is the subconscious logic that’s driving your actions.


This is so wrong. And it doesn’t work for two reasons:

1. Eventually, you throw too much at him and it suffocates the love he had for you.

If you’re working so hard to prove that he doesn’t, in fact, love you, and you aren’t, in fact, good enough, then you’ll eventually get exactly what you’re looking for.


2. It’s “solving” your problem completely out of order, which means you’ll always get a backward result.

    You don’t wait for a relationship to work and prove itself to you in order for you to feel worthy of love. You need to do the work and self-exploration it takes to feel worthy of love in order to make a relationship work.

That’s how you get a guy to commit.


How to Become More Confident


It’s okay that you’re insecure right now.

The truth is, you could be the strongest woman at the gym or the smartest woman in the office, but where a romantic interest is concerned, you’re reduced to an insecure girl.

Welcome to the club of some really great people! It happens.

It happens because you know what is good form at the gym, you know “the ropes” at the office, but you don’t know enough about relationships to be confident.

All you have to do to overcome your insecurity is get educated! Knowledge is power and it will transform your confidence.

We have a FREE 4-day program just for you and it will give you a crash course in relationship know-how. Not only will this help you immediately feel better, but it will also support your man to commit to you.


Why Men Drag Their Commitment Feet


Your insecurity can lend you a unique insight into your man’s fear of commitment.

Men drag their commitment feet because they’re afraid to let their sweetheart down.

A greater commitment means greater responsibility and a bigger chance that he’ll mess everything up and cause you pain.

This fear is a powerful thing and it often causes a man to dig in his heels on the way to the aisle.

Your man doesn’t want to cause you pain. He wants to make you happy. When you constantly “test” his love and give him ultimatums he can’t fulfill, you’re sending him the message that he can’t make you happy.

A man will not commit to a woman he feels he cannot successfully help make happy.


(Drumroll Please….) How to Get a Guy to Commit to You!


If you want to get a guy to commit to you, you have to build trust. He needs to be able to trust that he can make you happy.

All you have to do to build this trust is acknowledge him for all the little things he does for you.

Turn your strategy on its head.

Instead of setting him up for failure with ultimatums and tests, make an effort to set him up for success! Ask for what you want and then appreciate him when he delivers.

This will encourage him and show him that he can make you happy. Once he feels confident in this, he will take the next step toward commitment.


A Final Word on Ultimatums


I know you care for this man and don’t want to be cruel — so don’t be.

Relationships can easily slip into a play for power and it will eventually corrode any love that was originally there.

Before this blog post, ultimatums and tests were the only tools in your toolbox for getting what you want. But now you have new tools and I encourage you to use them.

Where petty power struggles fail, love will always prevail.

Use your insecurities to lend you compassion instead of suspicion and you will find you and your prince charming on a walk down the aisle.


With love,


Sign up here to get our best tips delivered straight to your inbox.

We hate SPAM. We will never sell your information, for any reason.