What to Do When You’re in Love with an Unavailable Man

advice: relationship lauren gray

He’s perfect in every way! Except he’s totally unavailable. He’s busy. He’s inconsistent. He won’t commit.

This sucks. But I’ve got good news!

There is a way to create a loving relationship with this guy and I’m going to show you how.

I’ve been in your shoes and I understand him completely. In this post, you’ll get everything you need to charge forward with confidence knowing you’ll get all the love you’re looking for.

If I can get my unavailable man to fall for me with these tips, you can too.


Dear Lauren,

I’ve been hanging out with this guy for 4 months. He’s a fashion designer and writer so he’s always busy. Everything’s great when we spend time with each other. We do get intimate when we see each other and at other times we just hang out. About a month ago I asked him if we could ever be more than friends and he said he’s not going to answer that. What does that mean?!! I really like him and I don’t wanna lose him. In fact, I might be falling in love with him. Please help!

– Cerise


What His Silence Is Saying Loud and Clear


He didn’t answer you because an answer might mess with the status quo and he likes things the way they are now. Little responsibility, lots of fun. And you! He gets to have you!

By asking him to be more than friends, you ask him for a greater commitment. I know it doesn’t seem like much to you; after all, you’re already hanging out, you’re already intimate, all you want is to make it official and take the fun to the next level!

But to him, it’s enough to make him tongue-tied. He’s busy, he’s young, and he wants to have fun without the “drama that relationships inevitably bring.”

...Do I know these guys or what? ;-)

He’s not ready for a relationship but he’s not ready to let you go either.

Hence him awkwardly pleading the fifth.


How He Sees Your Future (Doom and Gloom!)


At this time, he doesn’t have a lot to give to a partner. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy who “uses” women and is totally selfish; it just means he has other priorities in life right now (like his career.)

He’s afraid that if he says yes to your proposal with the little he can offer, he will fail to live up to your relationship expectations. And he will fail to make you happy.

So, you see, he doesn’t not answer you because he doesn’t want you; he doesn’t answer you because he doesn’t want to LOSE you!

At this stage of the game, you’re excited to see him whenever he can make the time. The little he is able to give you is enough to satisfy and make you happy. He is a success. This is very important to a man.

But the moment the friendship evolves into something more romantic, the expectations on him evolve as well.

Suddenly you’re feeling sad and neglected when he doesn’t make time for you, rather than appreciating him for when he does.

The dynamics will grow tense and the innocent joy you felt with each other will drown in the overwhelming tides of expectations and disappointments.

He’s played the entire thing out in his head and all he can see is Doom and Gloom!

Of course, it doesn’t have to happen like this.


How I Got My Impossibly Busy Man to Fall Head Over Heels in Love with Me


11 years ago I was in a similar boat as you are today.

I met this great (if impossibly busy) guy and we became incredibly close very quickly.

The first time we hung out one-on-one was the second time we had ever met. We took a 4-hour road trip to my family’s ranch in Mendocino and stayed for three days. Just us. No one else.

...Talking through the night, sharing deep secrets and dreams, teasing each other silly, and laughing to the point where bodily fluids escaped. (FYI: Those were the ONLY fluids exchanged that weekend.) It was a magical connection.

We quickly realized we were soul mates of some kind.

It was just figuring out what KIND that took some trial and error.

We tried on the Romance Hat (cousin to Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat) and the moment it touched our heads it yelled out “Doom and Gloom!”

We both saw how it could potentially morph our perfect friendship into something ugly and unrecognizable. Neither of us wanted that so we changed hats and decided we would be “best friends” instead.

Sure we still wanted to jump each other’s bones, that part didn’t go away. We just decided it wasn’t as important as staying happy together.

With Doom and Gloom off the table, we were able to fall head over heels in love with each other, as very intimate, occasionally tongue-tonsil-playing best friends.

In fact, I was the first girl he ever said, “I love you” to.

All it took was a change of perspective to give me a happily ever after with this impossibly busy, independent, and unavailable man.


Customize Your Love


Love is a beautiful thing and I understand that you don’t want to throw it away.

You don’t have to!

Shift a few expectations, create a few boundaries and you can continue to fall in love with this man AND let him be who he needs to be at this time.

Be careful!

Sometimes when you’re close to him and he’s looking into your eyes like you’re the most wonderful person in the world, it’s easy to think, “Maybe he’s ready for a relationship now? Maybe he’s changed his mind!”

When it comes to relationships, NEVER fall for a tacit understanding. 

Keep the dialogue going and the unique personality of your relationship will emerge.

Who knows?!

In time, a week, a month, a year, he might find he does have a lot to give to someone and that someone might be you.

John Mayer sings, “Friends, Lovers or Nothing.” But I say, why limit yourself? I say yes to Love in whatever package it comes in.

This kind of open-hearted, self-aware, authentic evolution requires great communication skills and it’s not for everyone.

If you find you’re not capable of this kind of flexibility then I would say goodbye and farewell.

You don’t want it to turn into something where you resent him for not being what you want him to be.


This Is Mr. Right


Mr. Right is the guy who reciprocates your feelings and can give you the commitment you want.

One year after my adventure with my unavailable man (who moved to South America), I found my true romantic soulmate who committed to me wholeheartedly, holds me when I cry, and does all my dishes.

You’ll find your Mr. Right too. It’s just not this guy, right now.


With love,


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