How to Take Narcissism Out of Your Relationship

advice: dating advice: relationship john gray

Be honest: Is there a pattern in your relationships?

Do you notice that your partner tends to be more selfish while you are more giving?

Maybe you even relate to being an empath who attracts narcissists?

The truth is this kind of merry-go-round of unfulfilling relationships can make you lose trust in your partner(s) and yourself.

How can you ensure you break unhealthy patterns and instead create a healthy relationship dynamic that grows in love?

In this post, I’ll show you how to take narcissism out of your love story once and for all and start a new fulfilling dynamic today (even with the man you’re with!).

Hi John,

I learned that my relationship pattern is that of an empath who attracts narcissists. This pattern repeated itself in my last two relationships. I'm concerned about repeating this unhealthy pattern in my next relationship. I'd like to be able to trust myself to make a healthy decision next time around.

– Celia


Understanding the Pattern

I think if you understand this particular pattern of attracting “narcissists” in a new light, it will definitely help you from repeating it. And it's important that you understand this because otherwise, you can't trust yourself.

So many women — when they've had a few relationships fail — can't get involved again because they're afraid. They feel like they can't trust that it’s going to work out when really, they can't trust themselves to know the right person for themselves.

You can begin to trust yourself again when you understand this pattern in a new light and see a new way of interpreting the reality around you.

So let's look at this. An empath is a person who is able to go into other people and feel what they're feeling. You're an empath, so that already tells me your tendency is to go into them and not go into yourself or reveal so much of yourself. You're going to go right into that person.

Plus, you tend to attract men who you're considering to be narcissists.

Now, maybe some men are the actual psychological diagnosis of a narcissist, but there are narcissistic tendencies, and that's basically a man who's selfish.

Why Men Take Care of #1 First

Men have been trained throughout thousands of years that you've got to take care of yourself first if you're going to take care of your family. If you're going to be on a hunting trip to feed your family, you've got to protect yourself first, and then you can take care of them.

This tendency can be seen in airplane commercials. You know where they say, "Now, first put the mask on yourself, then put the mask on your children." Well, that's a tendency that's very strong inside of men because how can I help you if I can't first help myself? This means men tend to not be as aware of the inner feelings of somebody else.

They tend to be more aware of:

  • Okay, what do I need to do?
  • What's going on inside of me?
  • Where is the danger?

So, that's kind of this emergency mode that's very common in men.

Sometimes you see that a man's very passive and if there's a big problem, he comes to life because he’s more outward-directed. He's not going to be so aware of what you're feeling. He's more aware of himself and his own needs and his own goals.

What This Attraction Is Teaching You

So when you're attracted to that kind of man, you have to realize that he's teaching you something:

...rather than be there completely for another person.

Now, I know that's very challenging because as a woman, you have the hormones that can help you to take care of a child, which means they consume your awareness of what does the child need now? What does the child need here? We have to have regular food. What are we going to make for dinner? You’re thinking about all of these things.

And as an empath, it's even greater. You're going to be going into him when really the foundation of a romantic relationship — which inspires commitment, which inspires growth and transformation so that we truly can grow in love and experience lasting passion — is all about making sure that he’s going into you: that you're more on your feminine side.

When that happens, you’re able to look inside and share how you feel and explore your feelings, and not go so much into him, but invite him into you.

Are You Encouraging His Selfishness?

You actually feed that narcissistic tendency by being there for him when really the bottom line is to learn how to let him be there for you.

And when you do that, you help him develop his empathetic muscle to be able to go into you!

This will help you to get more in your relationship, sustain the attraction, and literally bring out the best potential inside of a man by simply coming back to more of the feminine side of you — which is the more receptive side of you — the part of you that wants good communication, romance, attention, affection, and connection. This is the feminine side of you.

The Role of Hormones

In my recent book, Beyond Mars and Venus, I even talk about the hormones that go along with your female side versus your male side.

For men, when they’re thinking about, "Okay, what do I have to do to get to my goal? What's absolutely necessary and the most efficient way to get there?" he's producing testosterone — and a woman would be producing testosterone at that point as well.

Men need 10 to 20 times more testosterone than women to feel good. For women to feel good, they need higher estrogen levels than a man.

One of the ways to increase estrogen is to be in touch with your feelings, communicate them, and share how you feel. Share your emotions.

In a sense, open up and let somebody hear who you are.

There'll be a tendency to want to make sure you're doing what he wants, to be a people pleaser, as opposed to seeing him learn the joy and the positive experience of pleasing you.

It doesn't happen overnight, but these relationships can be an opportunity for you to strengthen your ability to take responsibility for getting what you want and learning how to communicate your wishes and needs in a way that a man can hear and respond to.

I know this may seem like a tall order.

These are new relationship skills, and I encourage you to take our free course that will improve your relationship skills. Within three days, you'll have a whole new way of relating to men, and instead of caring for them, you’ll be teaching them how to care for you. Then, you'll be able to have successful relationships that feel fulfilling for both of you.


Grow in love,



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