What to Do If You Never Feel Sexual Attraction for Men You’re Compatible With

advice: dating john gray

Are you having a hard time finding a partner that you’re both compatible with AND feel strong sexual attraction for?

Well, you’re not the only one!

I hear this a lot from women who say they’re never attracted to “nice guys” or that the guys they do have strong sexual attraction for turn out to be a total disaster.

The good news is that there are ways to find and grow in love with your dream match and have it all!

In this post, I’m going to share how sexual attraction works differently for men and women and why that is at the center of this issue, what you can do differently to change the pattern and how to get the sex you want with the man you want using the “Polarity” approach.

“Hi John, I have a hard time finding a partner that I’m both sexually attracted to and compatible with. There’s usually someone around showing interest, but I’m either not attracted to them, or I’m not compatible with them.”

- Alexis

Alexis, you’re not alone. I often hear from women that they’re either not attracted to the many nice men they meet, or they’re getting involved with guys where they do feel strong sexual attraction only to be disappointed down the line.


Either these men:


It can be so frustrating and make you wonder: “What is going on?

Well, the first thing you need to keep in mind is that attraction works differently for men and women.


Attraction Works Differently for Men and Women


One of the big differences between men and women is where the energy of sexual attraction begins for each of them.

For men, it all starts “down south” as pure sexual attraction. As they get to know a woman, the energy from that sexual center rises up into the man’s heart where they can start to feel love. Given enough time, that energy rises into his head where he can then begin to respect her.

Generally speaking, sexual attraction for a woman works in reverse and starts in her mind. A woman meets a man and thinks: “Oh, I’m interested in him. He’s interesting.” At first, there’s typically no sexual attraction. But as a man shows an interest in her and that he wants to get to know her better, that consideration and care will open her heart. Once her heart is open, then a woman begins to feel the sexual attraction.

But if a woman expects her attraction cycle to work the same as a man’s (thanks to media and movies that’s the expectation), then she can get frustrated and give up too soon.


Move Slow to Stop Wasting Time


What I typically recommend for women is to go a little slower with it than feels natural to them.

When women are struggling to find a partner that they’re both compatible with AND sexually attracted to, the problem is that they’re making sexual attraction their #1 requirement to be with a man and give him the time of day. But because of these differences between men and women, that is counterproductive.

For a relationship to work, women need to feel safe with a man, and they typically will feel safe when they know that the man is serious about them. But how can you know? Well, it’s simple: When he shows more interest in you than you do in him. That is the guideline to know that he’s serious enough about you to meet your needs. And sometimes, that takes time.

Usually, if you get excited right away over a man, it’s because you are fantasizing about getting what you need. 

If that fantasy comes up, it’s generally with a guy who’s not available, not the right guy, or not compatible with you.

Often what I see with women is that when they’re with a man that they are not compatible with, there’s a belief that they have to give more in order to get love from him (such as affection, interest, or even desire to have sex with you).

Know that whenever you feel like: “Oh, I need to earn a man’s love!” that this will create excitement and can generate feelings of sexual attraction. It will also be a disaster.

You shouldn’t have to seek to earn his love; he should seek to earn yours. 

When it comes to a man who is compatible, in the beginning, you may not feel any sexual attraction. Try to go slow with it and give it a chance. That’s how you stop wasting your time on doomed relationships and create the love of your life.


The Key to Healthy Sexual Attraction Is: Polarity


Sometimes, when you’re dating someone who is highly compatible, it can feel boring.

Think about it: If you’re in a relationship with a guy who is more “evolved,” he’s going to be more sensitive. We might say that his female qualities have increased. But that will also be the man who will be more compatible with you because he’ll be more understanding of you!

Today, women are more independent (masculine energy), and men tend to be more sensitive (feminine energy). 

This may allow for higher compatibility, but the problem is there won’t be enough polarity to create that electric attraction you’re looking for.

Sexual attraction between men and women works just like a magnet with their masculine and feminine energies. You need those opposites to create magnetism. So when a man consciously makes an effort to do something to come back to his masculine side — nurturing those masculine hormones — and a woman makes a conscious effort to do something to come back to her feminine side — lighting up those feminine hormones — this “polarity” creates sexual attraction. That is the whole key.

Our modern lifestyle may not naturally keep us in balance with our masculine and feminine energies. But the good news is that there are tools you can use to actually increase polarity!

I wrote about these tools in my book Beyond Mars and Venus, which I highly recommend reading and checking out.

You can use these tools to practice improving sexual attraction as you build a relationship and grow in love with men who are more “evolved” and, therefore, compatible with you.

You may not feel that intense sexual attraction at first but remember: Go slow and give it a chance because that’s how you can get hot sex and a healthy relationship.


Grow in love,


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