Is a Fear of Intimacy Behind Your Failed Relationships?

advice: dating advice: relationship john gray

Do you find yourself hopping from one man to another without developing that real connection? Is casual sex the norm?

You're far from alone.

But if you feel like you're missing out on meaningful relationships and you want something more, stick around.

A fear of intimacy and revealing your inner self is at the core and in this post, I'll give you 3 practical steps to overcome your fear, stop this pattern for good, and finally experience the love you're truly craving.

Hi John,

The biggest struggle for me is I have sex too soon, get into casual relationships, and don't have the patience and skills to build a loving relationship. It stays on the casual side. I feel I have a fear of commitment and being vulnerable. Please help.

– Janice


Your Fear of Intimacy Says This


Well, you're right. You do have a fear of intimacy, a fear of being vulnerable, a fear of revealing yourself, and I have a lot of help for you.

This is a question that's coming up a lot from the younger generation. Gen Z kids who are about 18 to 26, have a lot of casual relationships, a lot of sex, and a lot of sex pictures. There is a lack of ability to reveal other parts of yourself, so you just stay physical.

To compound it, insecurity in women tends to boil down to: What can I do to impress the guy?

For the last million years, if you show a guy a naked body, he's going to be attracted to you — but it won't last because it's only physical.

So you've already become aware that you're having too much sex, but it's not enough intimacy. As a woman, you need to feel safe. You need to produce the hormone oxytocin, which allows estrogen levels to go up to where you can actually enjoy sex more. It's a whole new experience.

  • But how can you reach this new height of intimacy, connection, and lasting love?
  • How can you create the safety you need to truly open up and benefit from those feel-good hormones?
  • How can you go from casual sex to a deeply fulfilling relationship that grows over time?

You need to get mentally naked and emotionally naked before you get physically naked. Let me explain…


Get Mentally Naked First


What does it mean to be mentally naked with somebody?

When you go on a date with a guy, there's a tendency to want to get to know him because wouldn’t it feel good if he wanted to get to know you? So your tendency is to give what you want to receive.

Also, if you're afraid to reveal what's going on inside of you, there's a tendency to want to get into him as opposed to letting him into you.

Ironically, one of the reasons why casual sex has become so common today is because it's a way of avoiding real intimacy.

Intimacy = really seeing into you, seeing how you feel, seeing who you are...
...and then seeing if he's still turned on to you!

That’s the fear of intimacy.

There was a funny show I once saw about an older woman who was very much wanting to have sex with a younger man. He would start talking and she would put out her hand and say, "Don't speak, don't speak." If he started to talk, she would lose all of her sexual attraction for him because her sexual attraction was just fantasy.

If you're going to have sex with somebody, let it be reality. Reality means not a fantasy, but literally making sure a guy gets to know YOU.

The problem is many of us are stuck in a people-pleaser role.

When you're on a date, and you're trying to figure out the “right” answer or say the “right” thing so they like you or agree with you, that's the people pleaser inside of you. The more you're a people pleaser, the more you're trying to fulfill the expectations of others rather than discovering who you are.

Discovering who you are is a beautiful process in a relationship where you feel safe to express who you are.

In the dating scene, there's this idea that everybody should be thinking the same and that to like someone, to be romantically involved with someone, we need to be like them. That's actually a friendship.

Physical attraction comes when you are different from someone, when you have a different point of view. Attraction can open when you're free to express a different point of view, and you're not requiring the other person to think the same way. You're not trying to change their mind, and when they try to change yours, you don't get defensive about it. You give them what they need to relax and make them feel like they don't have to change your point of view.

So how would that look? It would be a conversation that comes up and you express something and then he has a different point of view.

Him: "Well, you shouldn't think that way and this is the case."

He'll give you facts and figures and now he wants to argue with you.

You: "Well, that makes sense. I haven't thought of it that way. That's really interesting."

You don't have to agree but this puts him at ease.

He has no need to try to change you because, ultimately, deep down inside, we're all looking for validation. We're all looking for love. We don't have to agree with each other. We don't have to have one point of view to feel like everything's okay.

Instead, you give someone the love they need.

Men particularly need messages that what they say “makes sense.” “It's a good idea.” “That's brilliant!”

And with that foundation you can say:

”But I just have a different point of view.” 

Then, fully express this different point of view!

As you do it, do it in such a way where you're not trying to change his point of view, or have a better point of view, or the “right” point of view.

Then you begin to experience something that most couples have a difficult time with: feeling at ease and comfortable with different points of view. Let go of this idea that if you're actually going to be in a serious relationship, your partner has to think just like you because it's the differences that create attraction.

Harmony comes from similar values where you both care about certain things. You could be a Republican and him a Democrat, but you both care about politics, for example. Or you could have different religions, but you both care about spirituality. Or you basically have different sports that you like, but you both are very physically active.

So you share a little bit of this, share a little bit about that, and you see the good in your partner rather than demanding that you be the same. As you begin to open up in that way, you'll find a natural attraction.

It's a different feeling where you just feel safe to express whoever you are and whatever you think, and your fear of intimacy starts to go away.

That's the first level of safety.

Ready for the next?


Get Emotionally Naked


The second level of necessary safety to overcome your fear of intimacy is emotional safety.  This is where you get emotionally naked with him where you can share whatever you feel.

NOTE:  I suggest that you don't share what you feel about that person if it’s negative. See, that's always a touchy subject because people get defensive. They can feel like you're trying to change them, or you're rejecting them, or something about him isn’t good enough.

So on a date, rather than say what you feel about him, tell him what you feel about other things in your life. Bring your emotions into it.

For example, if you've got a job in an office, you could say things like: 

  • “I’m frustrated about this person."
  • ‘I’m not getting paid enough.”
  • “I didn't get this opportunity.”
  • “It’s really a grind."
  • “They're expecting me to do too much.”

It's good to share those emotional situations.

Emotions like frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, fear, rejection and feeling hurt reveal that emotional part of you that you wouldn't normally share with everybody in the workplace. Those are things that are deeper inside of you — and that's what intimacy is.

Intimacy = Into me see. See me for who I am.

When men see into women and women don't go looking into men, this heightens the romance, attraction, and connection. His masculinity actually increases as he penetrates you and you feel safer and safer to open up.

But this is another important skill: Whenever you show emotions to a man, if he's not versed in these MarsVenus communication skills, he's going to immediately say: 

  • You shouldn't feel that way.”
  • “You should do this.”
  • “You shouldn't do that.”
  • “You should probably quit that job.”
  • “Why would you even put up with that? You deserve better.”

 And that would just shut you down.

So at those times when you're opening up emotionally, be sure to let him know: “You don't have to say anything. I'm just processing this out loud, and I really appreciate that you're just listening because it helps me sort it out, and then I'll feel really good.”

Now you've got a foundation of how to communicate and open up your heart, open up your feelings, and you'll see if he's the right guy. He'll be more turned on to you as a result, and you'll be more turned on to him — and that's no longer casual. That's going to be a passionate lovemaking experience and lay the groundwork for a fulfilling and deep relationship.

That's what sex is ideally: something to open our hearts and create more love.


Your Path to Fulfilling Relationships


When you get mentally naked first, it makes you feel safe enough to then get emotionally naked next. At that point, you’re in a place where you can get physically naked with him.

Rather than:

  • Rushing into sex
  • People pleasing your way into sameness
  • Following old patterns that keep you stuck in casual

…you will have overcome your fear of intimacy and begin to have extraordinary sex that moves you deeper and deeper into more fulfilling love.

Stopping the pattern of having sex too soon is a BIG piece of this puzzle. Learning MarsVenus communication skills to build a healthy relationship is next on your path to fulfilling relationships. Get a running start with our FREE course: How to Get Everything You Want in Relationships.


Grow in love,


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